Kabanata 42
Chocolate
Magkasalikop ang kamay namin ni Ico habang nagbo-board ng eroplano patungong Hawaii. Ayon sa kaniya, naghihintay na raw doon ang cruise ship kung saan idadaos ang kasal nina Chamuel at Anastacia. Ico processed everything for me, including my VISA.
Hindi na ako nagtanong kung magkano ang binayad niya para mapadali ang prosesong iyon. Mukhang magkaka-altapresyon na nga ako iniisip pa lang ang utang ko sa kaniya. Nag-apply naman na ako ng loan para mabayaran iyon. Komplikado kasi kapag pinagsama ang relasyon at pera... At mas lalong komplikado kasi 'flings' ang press release namin ngayon.
"Good morning, Ma'am and Sir. Welcome aboard!"
Ngiting-ngiti ang flight attendant nang i-welcome niya kami papasok sa eroplano. Kitang-kita ko ang pagpula ng pisngi niya habang tinitignan si Ico. Napanguso ako at mas lalong dumikit sa kaniya. Naalala ko ang koala moments ni Annie kay Levi.
Sinulyapan ako ni Ico at nginitian. It's one of his Colgate commercial smile. Nakakasilaw.
"Excited for Hawaii?" he asked softly.
Tumango at tumingkayad ako upang mahalikan ang kaniyang pisngi. "Only because I'm with you." I smiled back.
Tumaas ang kilay niya bago nagpakawala ng marahang halakhak. He looked so amused. Umismid lamang ako. Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad sa aisle.
"I like you like this."
"What?"
"Territorial," he said, still with that amused grin.
Umupo na kami sa seat namin. We were flying first class. Hindi na ako nagulat. Mas magugulat pa siguro ako pag nakita kong umupo ang mamahaling pwet ni Ico sa economy seat. This man's air screamed luxury and everything shiny and squeaky clean. Pwede nga sigurong mag-perform ng surgery sa office desk niya, e. Oras-oras ba naman iyong i-sanitize?
"I'm not territorial," giit ko. "I just know when someone wants what's mine."
"Oh, I know the feeling, alright." He licked his lower lip and stifled a smile. "Damn. I can't wait until you're officially mine."
"Ico..." Binuntong-hininga ko ang stress sa isyung ito.
He started planting soft kisses on my neck. Mukhang hobby niya nang halikan ang leeg ko kapag nagpapapansin siya.
"I can't stop imagining it. Sunny Vega. Mine. Wrapped around my fingers. Willingly succumbs to my kisses. Fuck. It's already driving me crazy."
"Love is not about ownership..."
"It is. Just not the toxic kind. Toxic ownership aims to control and dominate. But my ownership?" Pinagsalikop niya ang mga palad namin at marahang hinaplos ang aking pisngi. "You know how I treat my belongings. I treasure them. I showcase them. I keep them away from harm."
Lumipad ang utak ko sa mga bagay na pagmamay-ari ni Ico. Naalala ko iyong Raptor niya. Sobrang tagal na sa kaniya pero hanggang ngayon malinis at umaandar pa rin. His clothes... they are always neat and ironed into crisp. Iyong summer house. Kahit gasgas wala kang makikita. Maingat talaga siya sa mga bagay na pagmamay-ari niya. Kahit sa katawan niya. He treats it like his temple.
"Did that change your mind?" he probed.
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Akala ko maghihintay ka?"
"Just pushing my luck." He smiled. "Mahirap nang magselos at sabihan na wala naman akong karapatan."
Naitikom ko ang aking labi. Tahimik kami habang umaangat sa himpapawid ang eroplano. Ako lang ba ang hindi nakakaintindi sa obsession niya sa isyung ito? Labels are just labels. Ang importante naman ay masaya kami. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Do I see Ico in my future? Sa ngayon, hindi. Marami akong kailangan munang ayusin at wala sa isip ko ang magkathang-isip tungkol sa kung ikakasal ba kami, kung magkakaanak ba kami, kung kami ba sa huli. Right now, I live in the present. Iniisip ko ang projects ko sa kompanya, ang kalusugan ni Minerva, ang mga utang na dapat kong bayaran.
I mean, I didn't enter this arrangement for it to end in flames. But I also didn't enter it as an oath to the Universe... na ito na. Ito na ang huling relasyon ko sa buong buhay ko. Bahagya akong nakaramdam ng takot. Ico was so sure about me. Maybe because he had already established his life. Ready na siyang magsettle down. Samantalang ako, nag-uumpisa pa lang mabuhay.
I was Ico's last piece of the puzzle. Meanwhile, I still had so much to figure out.
"A penny for your thoughts?" Ico asked during the flight.
Inilingan ko siya. "Wala naman akong iniisip na malalim. Just thinking about Hawaii and how I would fit in with your elite circle."
"They would love you."
"Sana nga." I smiled to assure him I was fine. "Ayos lang bang mawala ka sa ospital ng ilang araw? Iyong mga pasyente mo?"
"It's just a couple of days. Marami namang magagaling na surgeon sa BMC maliban sa akin."
"Kamusta na pala si Dr. Raj? 'Di na ako nakarinig mula sa kaniya."
"He's in Manila now. Why are you curious? Miss him?"
Hinalikan niya ulit ang leeg ko. One thing I realized about Ico is he's very touchy. Ewan ko. Siguro naghahanap siya ng assurance galing sa mga reaksyon ko. Sumibol ang isang mapait na pakiramdam sa kaloob-looban ko dahil sa kaisipang iyon.
This is so unfair to him.
Kailangan ko na talagang makapagdesisyon tungkol sa label namin. I didn't want him to sleep at night, wondering if he has a place in my life. Meron naman... Pero hindi ko rin alam kung hanggang kailan. Naguguluhan din ako. Maybe I should just surrender? I didn't care enough about labels like he did. Maybe I should just give it to him para tapos na ang problema.
Ano bang dapat basehan dito? Feelings? I have feelings for him... but feelings are always subject to change.
"Nagtanong lang, miss na agad?" sinubukan kong magtunog nagbibiro. My thoughts were eating my sanity.
"Sorry. I was just kidding." Hinalikan niya ang kamay kong nakasalikop sa kaniya. Our eyes locked. "Did I sound like a psycho jealous fling?"
"Ico... huwag ka nang magselos. Sino bang kasama ko ngayon? 'Di ba ikaw? Sino bang inuuwian ko gabi-gabi? Katabi ko matulog gabi-gabi? 'Di ba ikaw? I've never had anyone after you. Walang-wala ang concern ko kay Dr. Raj kumpara sa pagka-miss ko sa 'yo."
He sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I said I'll be patient, but I guess this is just a tender spot for me."
"You are the only man in my life." Hinalikan ko siya sa pisngi at matamis na nginitian. "If you want to be all over me like a rash, okay lang naman 'yon sa 'kin. But just for this trip, okay? We have to somewhat establish boundaries after we go back to La Fortuna. I think it will help me decide what I want."
"Boundaries like what?"
"No sex? For us to know if this is just lust or more than that."
A shadow casted over his eyes. "This is more than lust," he said with conviction.
"You don't know that. Let's just take it slow, okay? Wala naman tayong hinahabol na deadline."
"So after Hawaii... No more physical intimacy?"
"Maybe holding hands? Hug? Just not sex."
He nodded indulgently. "Alright. I should make the most of this trip, then? What if you can no longer walk straight after this?" Humalakhak siya.
Naghahamon ko siyang tinitigan. "It's okay. May wheelchair naman."
We burst out laughing. Pakiramdam ko ito iyong hindi namin gaanong naranasan limang taon na ang nakalipas. Ang dami kasing nangyayari noon. He was uptight. I was secretly mortified of the future. Kaya kahit palagi kaming magkasama, parang may kulang. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko mas may kalayaan na kaming pakinggan at damayan ang isa't-isa.
Noong maka-board na ng cruise ship ay iginiya kami ng isang cabin crew patungo sa aming cabin. Abala si Ico sa katawagan niya kaya ako iyong nakikinig sa mga pinagsasabi ng cabin crew. Marami raw na leisure activities dito. Casino, swimming pool, boutiques. Parang syudad talaga.
"If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, Miss." The cabin crew smiled.
He wasn't Filipino. He had blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. Namangha ako roon.
"Thank you. I will surely do that." Matamis ko siyang nginitian.
"If you also have a certain preference in food, I can tell the chefs and deliver it to you."
Tinanguan ko siya. Suddenly, Ico who was busy with his call put down his phone. Sinulyapan niya ako at saka nilapitan upang hawakan sa bewang. Hinigit niya ako palapit sa kaniya at hinalikan sa sentido.
"Nice try, pal," he told the cabin crew.
Hilaw na ngumisi iyong cabin crew bago miserableng lumabas na ng cabin. The warmth of Ico's touch spread like wildfire in my stomach. It felt like his subtle way of saying 'mine.' Ibinalik niya na ngayon ang cellphone sa tenga at nagpatuloy sa pakikipag-usap sa katawagan niya. Pinagmasdan ko siya.
Sobrang guwapo niya talaga. Everything about him was put together. Walang ni isang hibla ng buhok niya ang out of place. His lips were full and pouty. His skin was like silk. Daig pa ni Ico ang babae pagdating sa pagiging makinis, e. He was freshly shaved. Literally no dots or flaw on his face.
And his body... Diyos na mahabagin. Once you get a taste of him, you really keep on wanting more. Pasalamat talaga ako at mahilig siyang mag workout dahil abot langit iyong stamina niya. Pati ako nakaabot din ng langit dahil doon. He looked prissy, but damn, boy was he insatiable in bed.
When he ended the call, he gave me an amused look. "Stop eye-fucking me."
Napakurap-kurap ako. "H-huh? 'Di kaya!"
Hinigit niya ako paharap sa kaniya at saka malambot na hinalikan. Hinawakan niya ang panga ko upang ianggulo iyon sa posisyong gusto niya. He teased my tongue with his. My nipple pinched, and it was like there was something heavy in between my legs. Nang kumalas siya sa halik ay biglang nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko. He held me in place by spanning my waist.
"You are insatiable, Sunny Vega."
Nagsimula akong mag-ayos ilang oras bago ang kasal nina Chamuel at Anastacia. The wedding was extravagant. Naalala ko iyong panaginip ko. I wanted something simple and serene. A basic beach wedding. Hindi gaano karaming bisita. Hindi gaano kagarang gown.
I thought about my wedding, but I did not obsess over who I would get married to. It could be Ico... Hopefully. Pero sa ngayon, wala muna iyon sa isip ko. It felt like a leap too far. Baka madismaya lang ako.
"Ico, can you zip me up?" malambing kong tanong nang makalabas sa bathroom. Doon ko kasi ginawa ang makeup ko.
Bahagyang napatalon si Ico nang makita ako. Nakatalikod ako sa kaniya at nakalingon, nanghihingi ng tulong. It was a simple sky blue chiffon dress with assymetrical hemline and spaghetti strap. Basic lang 'yong dress at 'di masyadong agaw-pansin.
Naglakad patungo sa akin si Ico. Sinubukan ko pa ring i-zip up iyong dress kahit nariyan na siya sa likod ko. Medyo sa may ibabang spine kasi nagsisimula iyong zipper. Ico pulled the zipper up, making a faint zipping sound. He was so slow... pati paghinga ko ay bumagal.
I glanced at his eyes and saw how dark it has become. "Stop eye-fucking me," I teased.
He smiled without humor and gave my bare back a faint kiss. His kisses slowly spread to the other side. Nasa balikat ko na siya ngayon. Pakiramdam ko ay kinakausap niya ako gamit ang mga mabababaw niyang halik.
'Please be mine, Sunny.'
'See how much I adore you?'
'This is how I am going to worship you.'
My nipple pinched, and it seemed like electricity was running through my veins instead of blood. Is my theory right? Is this only lust? Imbes na isipin iyon ay nag-isip na lang ako ng itatanong kay Ico.
"Uh... Did you ever imagine yourself getting married? Kahit noong bata ka pa."
He hugged me from behind. Dumampi ang pisngi niya sa akin. "Hmm. I think I did."
"With who?"
"I had a dream girl."
Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong umirap. "Let me guess... Matangkad, mature-looking, very elegant, and probably a woman in STEM."
"You are a woman in STEM."
"Yes. But I think she's more on the medical industry? Maybe a doctor like you or a pharmacist..."
"I can't really say. I remember always dreaming about getting married and starting a family with a gentle, loving woman, though. Maybe someone tamed, iyong hindi sakit sa ulo. She's understanding, compassionate, and honest."
"Lucky bitch," I barked.
Humalakhak siya kaya napangiti ako. He kissed my cheek, as if apologizing for having his dream girl. 'Di niya naman kasalanan 'yon. I had a dream guy as well, maybe when I was sixteen. Gusto ko iyong hindi masyadong mahirap abutin. Someone low-key. Marunong magkumpuni ng mga sirang gamit para hindi ako laging naii-stress kapag may sirang gamit sa bahay.
"You asked. I answered."
"Salamat sa pagsagot."
"Hmm. But my dream girl isn't the one I'm with at my friend's wedding. Ikaw ang kasama ko. So I guesss, it's safe to say that between you two, you are the lucky bitch," he said gently but teasingly.
Hindi ako nakasagot. He was right. I was one hell of a lucky bitch.
Chamuel and Anastacia's wedding was nice and sentimental. Mukhang may malalim na nakaraan ang pamilya nila kaya hindi sila agad tinanggap ng taong-bayan ng La Fortuna. Minsan ang epal din talaga ng mga tao sa amin, e. It's suffocating. Minsan napapaisip ako kung paano kaya kung hindi na lang ako sa La Fortuna pinanganak...
Should I start investigating my ancestry line? Hindi naman ako umaasa ng mala-Aurora Casagrande na plot twist sa buhay. I just wanted clarity about where I came from. Si Levi kaya may kakilalang imbestigador? But I think the Ysaguirres would help me better with this predicament. Nandito si Atlas Ysaguirre sa cruise ship, e. Maybe I should start with him.
"Kamusta ang pagdo-doktor, Ico?" tanong ni Yuki.
"I'm shocked he hasn't killed anyone yet," insulto ni Atlas.
Nasa isang round table ako kasama sina Monty, Yuki, Priamos, Atlas, at Iowa. Natatandaan ko si Iowa dahil siya iyong sinuportahan ko sa Mr. and Ms. LFU noong college. Ang ganda niya talaga. Pinong-pino ang galaw niya at para siyang diyosa. Mukhang may problema nga lang sila ni Atlas. Ramdam namin ang tensiyon sa pagitan nila, e.
Ico scoffed. "Shut your miserable ass up, Atlas."
Nagpatuloy sila sa pag-uusap. Tumatawa ako kapag nagjo-joke si Monty. Kinuwento niya kung gaano ka-sakit sa ulo si Ico noong bata pa sila.
"Ico was a freak. Our Mom used to give us this premium chocolate from Europe during Christmas. Our household's very weird about eating sweets. Bawal kami sa kahit anong dessert o junk food. 'Your body is a temple' and shit. Well fuck. Mine was probably a nipa hut."
Nagtawanan kami. Nakabusangot si Ico pero nangingiti rin naman. I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Nilingon niya ako sa mapupungay na mga mata. He started caressing my hair as Monty continued with his story.
"So ayun na nga. Mom would give us this chocolate, so I would eat it right away — like any normal human being would. But Ico? He would keep it in his room. Araw-araw ko siyang binibisita, tinatanong kung nakain niya na ba 'yung chocolate. Hindi pa raw. It was driving me absolutely insane. He's fucking mental."
Kuryoso kong tinignan si Ico. "Talagang ginawa mo 'yun? Bakit?"
"I wanted to savor it."
"I was so frustrated. Our parents had to beg him to eat the chocolate for my fucking peace of mind!"
"How did it taste when you finally had it?" Iowa asked innocently. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagtuwid ng upo ni Atlas.
Ico let out a gruff chuckle. "It was delicious. Definitely worth the wait."
Ilang sandali kaming nag-usap nang tumayo si Iowa upang i-excuse ang kaniyang sarili. A few minutes after that, Atlas followed. Sinundan ko ng tingin si Atlas. My vision was suddenly blocked by Ico. His brows were furrowed.
"Kanina mo pa tinitignan si Atlas," akusa niya.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. "Wala... May itatanong lang sana ako sa kaniya."
"You can tell me. I'll deliver the message to him."
"'Wag na. 'Di naman 'yon ganoon ka-importante."
He frowned. Hinila niya iyong upuan ko para mapalapit ako lalo sa kaniya. He coddled me in his arms like a baby. Kanina nga ay napuna pa kami ni Anastacia na mukhang kami pa raw ang magho-honeymoon sa sobrang pagdikit sa akin ni Ico.
"Did you like his hair?" he asked.
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Kanino?"
"Atlas."
"Ah. Iyong man bun niya? Ayos lang. Bagay sa kaniya."
Atlas was Ico's opposite. Medyo rough around the edges kasi si Atlas. Meanwhile, Ico was all straight lines. Guwapo rin naman si Atlas pero pakiramdam ko, parang hindi ako magiging safe sa piling niya. He looked dangerous. Ico was perfect for me. Only he could tame my wildness and serve my desires.
"You are better off with me," he said, solemnly swearing.
"Alam ko," tanging nasabi ko.