A/N: favourite bxb book?
I love Rage With Benefits or anything by 2WantLoveAnd2BeLoved.
L E O
Our eyes locked and I couldn't breathe, my breath caught in my throat and any words I had planned to say died on the tip of my tongue. Those greyish orbs with flecks of silver, that reminded me so much of dazzling stars on a clear dark night, so enchanting, exquisite and breathtakingly beautiful, had me completely captivated, locking me in place, leaving me entranced by the sheer beauty that was Emilio.
Because to me, if I had to describe perfection in one word, it would be Emilio, as he was everything that beautiful should be, he was like fine artwork, an angelic painting that I could admire endlessly.
As our gazes failed to part and the minutes drifted, neither of us spoke, the world around us stilled as our souls seemed to call for one another. We were simply too lost within the depths each other, that I couldn't- even if I wanted to, (which I didn't), will myself to break the silence.
My feelings felt heightened the longer our stares held, the low thud of my heart so loud that it reached my ears and I could feel it pulsing in my finger tips. It was more than anything I'd ever felt before and I knew he was just as lost as I was, we loved each other with a love that was so much more than just love. It was everything that could never be nothing. He understood me in a way that no one ever could, he loved the things about me that no one ever should.
He was mine, as I was his. And it terrified me.
"Welp," Atlas broke our trance as he clapped his hands together and hopped off the bed. I forgot he was here. "This freaky staring contest is making me feel a teeny weeny bit awkward. And as much as I love you guys, I really don't feel like being a third wheel."
Pouting, he turned to me, winking as he did, or well, blinking, "thanks for not dying, Le. I see you've got some," he gestured between Em and I, "issues to solve, so imma come back at a later date. Love you lots." Giving me no time to process and respond to his words, he gave me one last blink and a salute before leaving, the door clicking softly behind him.
Clearing my throat, awkwardly, which was silly because I've never felt awkward in Emilio's presence, I snuck a glance at my best friend, or, more than friend? "So..."
"So..." he looked at me, trying and failing to offer a smile, his eyes brimming with tears, "Le, amore." He said, his voice choked with emotion, the tears he'd been trying to hold on to, now cascading down his freckled cheeks.
I'm not worth your tears, Emmy.
With the nickname rolling from his tongue so easily, my heart ached longingly in my chest and butterflies invaded my stomach in swarms.
I can't believe I missed his stupid pet names.
"Come here," I told him, opening my arms, feeling a desperate urge to hold him. Which shocked me for a moment and him too, as he stilled, as though he was processing my words. Less than five seconds later his body barrelled into mine, the warmth of his tears dripping into the crook of my neck as he held me tightly in his comforting embrace.
I've really missed this, I've really missed you.
"Please, never try and leave me again." He mumbled against me, goosebumps arising in ample amounts as his lips tenderly and unintentionally brushed against my skin with each word he spoke.
"I won't," I told him, hoping and praying that I could keep my word. Shivering slightly- which was strange, because I was warm, so warm, my own arms tightened around him as I buried my face in his raven curls, inhaling his sweet strawberry scented shampoo. "I'm sorry, Emmy, I'm so sorry."
He pulled back, his hands cupping my cheeks, his face millimetres from mine as he stared at me unblinking, grey eyes filled with so much love and not-so-subtle hints of heartbreak. "No, amore, I'm sorry. I knew something wasn't right, I shouldn't have let you leave that night. I just wish you could've opened up to me, Le. I wish you could've told me how you'd been feeling. I would've done anything to help you, to save you from yourself."
I wanted to, I tried to, so many times.
His words were so genuine, his eyes holding nothing but truth. Grey flickered from blue to pink as he stole a glance at my mouth. I stared at him, unsure and a little unsteady, I don't want to disappoint you.
"Em..."
"Can I kiss you?" He said, repeating those same words I'd spoken to him only twice before.
Please, "I don't know." I whispered, my own eyes locked to his mouth, you deserve so much more than me. "I can't give you what you want, Em. I can't give you what you deserve." I told him, my words laced with honesty whilst my lids met my waterline tightly.
"Stop, look at me." He commanded, placing his hand against my mouth, palm flat, silencing anything I had to say. His eyes bore into mine as I hesitantly cracked them open, he smiled at me, a mixture of sad and sweet.
"Don't belittle me by telling me what I want, Leo. And don't tell me what you think I deserve. I want you, it's always been you, it will always be you. What makes you think you're so undeserving of me? You've been my best friend our whole lives, amore, I know you, I love you for who you are, and I'll take it all, the good with the bad."
But what if there's more bad than good?
I unlatched my arm from his waist, pulling his hand from my mouth before interwinding my fingers with his, "I can't be affectionate with you, I can't hug you for too long without it feeling suffocating, I can't—"
"I don't care!" He yelled, bringing his free hand to caress my cheek, his eyes filled with desperation as he plead with me to just let him in. Pressing his forehead to mine, our eyes maintained that tension filled contact as his voice dropped lower, filled with so much emotion and pain that I could've cried.
"I don't care, Leo. I don't care about touch, I don't care about affection, I don't care if the only intimacy we have is holding hands or soft kisses. It's enough, you are enough. I want you, only you. And I'll wait forever and a day if a part of you wants me to. If some small part of you feels the same, then, please, fucking please just let me love you."
I'll always want you.
But we can't.
Shaking my head, I pull myself from his touch, "I can't do this, Emmy."
Some days, when I want to try and put the pieces back together and find out who I am again, who I used to be. I think of the day I found him: Emilio. He's my solace, my light in the darkness, the colour when I'm lost in the endless shades of grey. He's my safety, my sanctuary.
But I love him too much to burden him with the baggage I hold. I'd bring him pain rather than the fairy tale love story he deserves. I'm like Hades, killing everything that I come into contact with, just like I'm slowly killing myself. And I can't bear the thought of dullness in Em's eyes if my demons called to him. If you love someone enough, then you'd let them go. An act of selflessness when all I've ever been is selfish, maybe I'm growing, or maybe I'm a paradox and that's an excuse for me to isolate myself once again.
"Why?" He asked softly, his eyes holding no anger or rage. Regardless of who it was aimed to, it was still strange to me when no aggression followed my dismissal, a trait I had Marco to thank for and one I was unsure would ever leave. I knew Emilio would never act how he did, but for some reason that small flicker of doubt was always there. "Why can't you do this, amore?"
The vibrations of his softened voice soothed my inner turmoil, I found my eyes closing as I allowed myself to bask in the short moment of tranquility he unknowingly provided.
"I've already told you why," I opened my eyes, blue meeting sorrow filled grey. "The letter," I whispered, my voice almost hesitant. "I told you everything."
His lips pressed to a thin line and his eyes remained soft, but I could see the small specks of silver dulling. And it killed me.
"Do you love me, Leo?"
So much.
"Of course I do." I say in an instant. Reaching out, I lay my palm flat against his cheek, brushing my thumb along the freckles of his apples, "you know I do."
"Sometimes," Emilio leaned into my touch, his legs criss crossed just like mine, our knees brushing together as he inched closer. His eyes shone under the fluorescent lights, the reflexion only highlighting the water that filled in the crevices. His tears today seemed to be never ending, and I wanted to hold him, to whisper all the words he wanted to hear, but I couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to him if I did.
"Sometimes?"
"Sometimes, I do know. But others, like right here, right in this very moment... I just don't know." He said, his warm tears gliding along the edge of my thumb.
Bringing my other hand to his face, I wiped away each and every tear that fell with the pads of my thumbs.
Placing a tender kiss on his flushed cheek, feeling the saltiness of his tears on the tip of my tongue, I pulled him into a hug and whispered, "there's a lot of things to doubt about me, Emmy. But my love for you is never one of them."
He clung to me like a koala, his face buried in my neck, whilst his raven curls brushed against my jaw. I tightened my hold and ran my fingers down his spine. Whilst he didn't deserve someone as damaged as me, he did deserve to know that my feelings for him are and always will be true.
"Loving you," inhaling shakily, I paused. My fingers stopping in their motions as I gripped his hips, gently pulling his body from mine. My hands found their way to his cheeks, whilst my forehead rested against his. Our eyes locked in place, his holding mine and the contact made my heart stutter in my chest, and my palms grew slick with sweat. The tension and feelings so overwhelming, so consuming, that I paused.
I paused and just stared at him, examined and admired him and all his beauty. All his imperfections that I couldn't help but deem as nothing less than perfect. The way one stray curl rested between our foreheads, the way his nose twitched as his impatience rose, how his eyes dilated the longer he stared at me, as though I was every drug he'd ever craved. And suddenly, the words came easy.
"Loving you almost makes me forget how much I hate myself. When I fall, I start digging deeper into this depression like a miner in a cave, searching for treasure, searching for any gleam of diamonds as reassurance that I'm going the right way. Each time I do, each time I look, I come up empty handed. So I take a breath, I close my eyes and think of you."
Our noses brush as Emilio's hands tighten on my hips, holding me as though he's holding onto every word. "I imagine your smile and how the beauty mark on the left of your lips falls into the dimple that appears. And with that smile in mind, I think of how your eyes light up brighter than any star I've ever seen. And when I finally build up the courage to open my eyes, I'm no longer lost, realisation sets in and I can breathe easy."
Emilio's hands move from my hips to my cheeks, I pull my gaze from his and take in his features. His eyes are puffy and red, whilst his lips remain damp from the ample amount of times his tongue has nervously brushed them. "What did you realise?" He whispers, his mouth so close to mine, that maybe, if I just- no.
I lift my eyes to his and smile, a genuine smile that I've never shared with anyone but him. "I realised that my search was pointless," I say, pausing and gulping as he bites his bottom lip.
"Why?" He asks softly, his voice trembling and only then do I know why he's biting his lip. The moisture of his tears hit my own, our faces so close that they fall to my apples and I sigh, willing my own not to fall. "Why was your search pointless, amore?"
"It was pointless because I had that diamond all along." I close my eyes, willing the knots in my stomach to loosen. "You're my diamond, Emmy. You're my solace, my light and I love you with every fibre of my being. Please, never doubt that, no matter what. I meant it when I signed forever yours, Emilio."
A sob broke from him and all the breath in my chest leaves as he pulls away from me.
"This isn't fair, Leo!" He yells, his lips trembling, cheeks damp, body shaking.
I stare at him wide eyed, unsure of what I've done to upset him so much. "Em—"
"No!" He pushes from the bed and paces the room, his hands gripping his curls tightly. And I feel my chest ache, I never want to be the cause of his anguish. "You don't get to do this, you don't get to say all of that shit to me, you don't get to wipe my tears, you don't get to look at me like that, you don't get to smile at me like that, you don't get to make me feel like this!"
I uncross my legs, laying them flat against the sheets as I stare at him, my mouth gaping. "Em, I—"
"Shut up, Leo!" He holds his hand up, effectively silencing my next words.
"You don't get to do all of that and then tell me that I can't be with you, that I can't fucking love you!"
Oh.
"Em, I've told you—"
"Yeah, you've told me. And let me tell you this, it's bullshit, Leo, fucking bullshit! I love you and I'll never stop loving you because you deem yourself as unworthy or undeserving of my love. You're beautiful, you're more than beautiful. But I don't love you for your looks, I love you for who you are, I love you for being you, for being Leo."
He pauses, his voice filled with so much passion, so much hope, so much longing. His zealous eyes meet mine, a fire burning in the depths of his greys, sparkling like a shooting star in the night sky.
"I love you for your words, I love how every sentence you speak sounds like a poem." He takes a step closer to the bed, a look of determination taking over his sharp gestures.
"I love you for your kindness and how you're always putting others above yourself. It's so selfless, so admirable, yet so infuriating all at once. I love you for your passion for art, how you can convey all your feelings into a portrait and how you can make a speechless canvas speak a thousand words." He climbs onto the bed, straddling me as his knees brush against my hips.
He holds my face in his palms, his eyes soft yet begging, pleading for me to listen. And I do, I hang on to every word like they're my lifeline. The velocity of my heart against my chest mixed with Emilio's words leaves me breathless and I can't stop my tears as they fall.
"You're special, Leo. You're so fucking special and it kills me that you can't see it." He brushes my tears like I'd done his. "The next time I tell you you're special, I want you to do something for me."
I nod slowly, with how he's making me feel, I think I'd do anything he asked right now.
"No matter how untrue you think it feels, I want you to believe me, please believe me. You trust me, right?" I nod, I do. "So you trust that I would never lie to you, amore. Ignore the voices, ignore the tightness in your chest, ignore it all and think of me, think of what I've said and believe me. Believe me because it's true."
Gulping, I sniffle and whisper, "okay," my voice hoarse.
"And, Le? Can you do one more thing for me?"
I look into his fiery gaze and melt. "Yeah?"
He pressed his forehead to mine, his fingers tightening, the tips resting under my ears.
"Let me love you? Please, just let me fucking love you."
You can love me, please just love me.
I wipe my tears on the scratchy blue, licking my lips nervously, I nod slowly. "You asked me a question earlier."
Grinning, he nods. "I did."
I can hear his heart hammering in his chest, his subtle yet sharp intakes of breath fanning across my lips. With eyes locked and hearts stole, I whisper to him, "Kiss me, Emmy."
Our lips met and my mind clears, all the negative thoughts and voices disperse into the darkened edges of my mind as the light Emilio brings blinds them. And for that I'm thankful, even if it's only for a moment, just a moment, because there's no other time than now, that I'd like to be clear minded and lightheaded all at once.
I'm consumed by the taste of him, the subtle hints of spearmint and lemonade resting on his tongue as he brushes it against mine, his movements tender and sweet, but the passion is there, the love is there.
Our love. Him and I.
My hands rest on his hips, my fingers gripping him so tightly, afraid that if I let go he'd disappear and I don't want that to happen. For once in my life, I want to prolong this moment for as long as I can.
I want this feeling to last forever.
Emilio holds me just as tight, one hand on my cheek whilst the other weaves through my curls, gripping them softly. His kiss pours to me every toe curling emotion that he feels, his lips speak to mine, wordlessly. I sigh in content and I can feel him smiling against me, a smile that I can't help but return it.
And with that, we simply loose ourselves in each other.
***
"Why don't we get some fresh air? You've been cooped up in this room for too long, you really are in need of some vitamin D. And by that, I don't mean my d—"
I coughed loudly, cutting off his next words as I snuggled my face deeper into him.
He'd held me like this since our kiss ended, my head on his chest, his fingers brushing my curls, his free hand resting against my spine. And it felt right, and I didn't know how much I longed to be trapped in his embrace.
Surprisingly, there was no heavy weight on my chest, no ants crawling on my skin. I wasn't suffocating like I thought I would be, I could breathe and for once, it was almost effortless.
Almost.
"I'm not allowed to leave the room, Em. Plus, I'm hooked up to these machines." I tilted my head to stare at him, sighing as his greys lit up with mischief. "I don't like that look."
"I can get a wheelchair, we can put the IV bag on your lap, and those," he pointed to the machine with his thumb, "have wheels."
Trying my hardest to hide my amusement, I rolled my eyes at him. "Dad won't be happy."
His fingers stilled in my hair, he took a short intake of breath before cocking his head to the side, staring at me softly with a content smile on his lips. "You called me, Dad." He smirked, using his hand to wipe away a fake tear. "That makes me so happy, but do you know what would make me happier, amore? How about we add a D and a Y on to that?"
Groaning, I smacked his chest with my hand. "For fuck sake, Em." I laughed as he pouted, "I'm talking about Zac, not you."
Gasping, he stared at me wide eyed. "You called him daddy instead of me! How could you!" He paused, his mouth pouting further. "Wait, you called Zac daddy before I could?"
"Em, shut the fuck up." I groaned, pulling myself into a sitting position before turning to face him, my narrowed eyes. "I did not call him daddy, you sick freak. I called him Dad."
"I'm only joking, Le." He smiled, a full cheek aching grin. "I'm so happy for Zac, and you. I know you've wanted to call him Dad for years."
"Yeah, he was really happy." I said softly, my lips curving before I could stop them.
"So," Em cleared his throat, effectively pulling me from my trance. "We breaking out of here or what?"
***
"This is such a bad idea."
"Oh calm down, Le." Atlas grinned at me, well, his eyes did. His smile was hidden behind his hospital mask and his figure was drowning in the scrubs he'd stolen from one of the locker rooms. "Now, I've got the wheelchair, so c'mere, shimmy along the bed and I'll lift you into it."
Fuck no.
"Atlas," Emilio snorted, giving our friend an amused look. "You have no stamina, I'll lift him."
Offended, Atlas placed his hand against his blue scrub covered chest. "Leo's tiny and I'll have you know that I'm full of stamina, very much so."
"I'm not tiny. We're the same height! And we're maybe around the same weight." I lied, whilst we were the same height, more or less, I was much slender than Atlas, which was strange, he'd always been the thinnest of us all.
"Mhm, sure." Emilio rolled his eyes at us both and pushed Atlas to the side, lifting me from the bed, he gently placed me in the wheelchair Atlas had stolen from some poor soul.
"Manhandling is not nice, Em." Ati huffed, "oh, I'll get the machines and this little pouch." He reached for my IV bag, "I really want to squeeze it," he looked at us, blue eyes wide and innocent, "do you think it'll pop if I do?"
Oh, Ati.
"Atlas, no." Emilio rushed towards him, pulling the bag from his hands. "You push Leo, I'll get the machines." He told him, dropping the IV bag on my lap.
Atlas grinned, bouncing on his heels like a sugar filled toddler. "How 'bout some real life Mario Kart, Le?"
"This is a hospital, Ati." I told him, giving Emilio a hard look. Involving Atlas in our escape plan was not his smartest idea. "Plus, we're undercover, remember? If you start wheeling me down the corridor like a maniac, they're going to know somethings up."
Sighing loudly, he nodded with a pout on his lips. "Fineeeee."
"Right," Emilio opened the door and glanced down the hallway. "Coast is clear, let's go."
***
"I can't believe that actually worked." I laughed. We'd somehow managed to escape the hospital and reach the patient garden, without so much as a strange look. "Did you remind Ati to change?"
Emilio nodded, "I did, but I don't think he will. He said something about Grey's and wondered back inside." As realisation set in, his eyes went wide and he turned to me with a look of nervousness. "You don't think he'll try and play doctor, do you?"
"What are you talking about? It's Atlas, of course he will." I ran a hand down my face. "I told you we shouldn't have involved him."
"I'll text Ace and ask him to find him."
I nodded at him, that was a good idea. Ace wouldn't question why Atlas was dressed as a surgical intern, we've all learned by now not to question why Atlas does anything.
Whilst Emilio text my brother, I turned my gaze to the trees. There weren't many leaves left, the weather simply too cold and windy for them to stay attached.
"Ace is gonna find him." I could hear a glint of hesitation in Emilio's voice and instantly, I knew I didn't like where this conversation was heading. "Can we talk about it?"
"About what?"
I could feel his eyes narrowing into the side of my face, "don't play dumb, Le."
"Sorry," I turned to him, he deserved answers. "What do you want to know?"
"Mostly, why? Was it just because of him?"
I thought for a moment, I knew he was referring to Marco, but the question made my stomach churn painfully. There's was so much more I had to tell him, and I could only hope that he wouldn't be disgusted or ashamed of me when I do.
"No, it wasn't just because of him. I could handle Marco, he wasn't the reason I chose to do what I did. He was part of it, a big part." I paused, digging my nails deeply into my palms, I heaved a heavy breath. "It was them that I couldn't handle, can't handle."
"The voices?" Em asked, and I wasn't surprised, I knew he'd worked out that something was wrong with me. They all heard me talking with them that night.
Gulping, I nodded. "Yeah, they're loud and I don't like the things they say. I can't handle talking about them right now though, is that okay?"
Emilio frowned, his eyes glancing to my hands. Gently, he gripped my hand in his, effectively pulling my nails from my skin, a low tut leaving him as he pressed a tender kiss to the crimson stained indents.
"You never need to ask if it's okay, Le. This is happening to you, it's your business. I'll never be angry if you're not ready to share. I'll wait until you want me to know."
Nodding, my eyes glanced to the ground. "I don't want to die, Emmy. I never wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop and I couldn't find any other way out."
His hand gripped mine harder, not painfully, but more comforting.
"I'm scared of what comes next, Em."
"What do you mean?"
"With Marc... they all know and—"
Emilio gripped my jaw with his hand, "you don't need to worry about him, amore. I'll protect you, your brothers will too. And the police know, don't they?"
"They do." I nodded, cursing myself for feeling the way that I do. "That's not what I meant though."
"I'm confused."
My hands grew sweaty and my lips began to tremble. Pulling myself from Em's grip, I stared at the trees once more. "For the past two years, all I've known is him and how he made me feel."
I could hear Emilio suck in a harsh breathe, "did... did you love him?" He asks and I could hear the pain in his voice.
"No." I said instantly, I don't know how I can make him understand. "At the start, when... when I thought he was helping me, when I thought he was genuine, that he was my friend... I hoped that one day I could love him." I paused, my tongue felt heavy and I hated how the words sounded. "I'm sorry, I'm not making sense. I don't really understand why I feel like this."
"It's okay, Le, take your time." Em said softly, his hand brushing against my shoulder. "Tell me what you're thinking and we'll try and work it out together, okay?"
"He didn't lie when he said he'd make me feel something. But what he made me feel wasn't love, it was no where close. Two universes apart. He terrified me, even when I thought we were friends, he still scared me. But..."
Emilio took my hand once more, interlocking our fingers together. "But?"
"But scared wasn't all I felt," I admitted, swallowing back a sob. "There were times that he made me feel wanted when no one else ever did. And I'm fucking terrified, Emmy." I closed my eyes, praying that he wouldn't feel as disgusted by my own thoughts as I do.
"I made you feel unwanted?" Emilio asked, no trace of disgust in his tone, just pure devastation.
"You didn't, it was my own fucked up kind that made me feel that way, Em. That and some family stuff." I snuck a glance at him, "you're not disgusted with me, are you?"
Alarmed, Emilio's eyes widened. "What?!" He all but gasped, "Le, amore." He brought his hand to my cheek. "I could never be disgusted with you. He manipulated you, he isolated you, it's not your fault. None of this has ever been your fault." He pressed his lips to my cheek, a gentle tender kiss of reassurance. "Is that why you were terrified? We're you scared that I'd judge you?"
"Mhm..."
"That's not all though, is it?" He asked, his eyes soft and patient.
"I'm terrified that I'll miss him." My face turned cold as I let out a humourless chuckle. "How pathetic is that? I'm scared that I'll kiss the guy who's been terrorising me for years? God, why am I like this?"
"You're not pathetic, Leo. How you feel, it's understandable. Marco made you feel like his possession for so long, that somewhere along the way, you lost a bit of yourself." His hand tilted my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. "You'll get past this, Le. And all the wounds he left, physical, emotional... they'll heal. It won't be instantly and it might never be fully, but you'll reach a point that you'll feel free."
I absorbed Emilio's words and I couldn't help but smile at him. Why did I ever worry that he'd hate me? Leaning forward, my gaze sought his lips before I glanced at his eyes, looking for any indication of refusal. When I found none, I pressed my lips to his.
It was short and sweet, an unspoken thank you that Em accepted gracefully.
Pulling back, he grinned at me, a grin so big I couldn't help but return it.
I really fucking love you.
I lay my head on his shoulder and glanced back to the trees with a content smile resting on my lips.
***
"Amore?" Emilio spoke up after a short ten minute silence.
"Hm?"
"Why do you always do that?"
Confused, I turned to him. "Do what?"
"Look at the trees. You do it in the car a lot and when Jack and Lil were in the hospital, you always looked at those trees from the window." He nodded towards the oak tree.
"The leaves, they remind me of myself." I clicked my tongue lightly, shaking my head. "Sorry, that sounds stupid."
Em shuffled closer to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he hummed, "I doubt that it's stupid. Tell me more."
"Because, like the leaves, I wasn't given a choice. I never chose to fall, yet, I always do."
"And like the leaves, you'll regrow." Emilio added, his eyes never leaving the trees. "You might fall down a lot, Le, but you always find your feet again and on those days that you can't, you'll always have someone there to help you stand." He turned his eyes to me, an unspoken promise in his gaze. "You'll always have me to help you stand."
"Forever?"
He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Sempre e per sempre."
Genuinely, I smiled, "sempre e per sempre."
***
End of chapter 40
My heart is crying. I just love Eleo.
Thoughts? M sorry if it's not fluffy enough, I'm cold af 💀
What do we wanna see in the next few chapters?
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Lots of love x