Pressure was applied on her hands while the steady beeping sounded behind her hospital bed. Nothing but pain plagued the inner thoughts of her mind as she laid there practically lifeless. Olivia forced her tired eyelids to flip upward, barely meeting the white ceiling above the four white walls that surrounded her. Her frame felt sore and achy as the pulse in her head pounded, with the throbbing of her blood cutting against her skull. Then she remembered, the accident, the car flipping over, and the unavoidable pain she felt as her head was smashed against the glass and her door. Spencer calling her name while the black fog crept over her. Fear. Blackness. Darkness. The shadow of death haunting her.
"Spencer," she croaked slowly shifting her head in his direction trying to wiggle her hand. Agony pierced through her veins from the simplicity of this moment.
"Spencer?" she called for him once more, not completely confident he could hear her. Sudden movement appeared.
"Olivia?" He sighed.
"Baby-"
His voice cracks under the pressure as she widened her eyes to find him. She was hollow filled in with confusion. Fear replaced her emptiness while the puzzle in her head about what transpired began to spiral. Her eyelids wouldn't budge, so she took every ounce of strength she had left to push them open. White lights blurred her eyes as she held them up steady.
"Where is she?" Spencer maneuvered to the side, pressing his finger down on the panic button.
"Try to calm down, okay? How do you feel, are you in any pain?" She looked down to her flat stomach.
"Tell me where she is"
Her eyes closed as the anxiety and pain collided. She tried curling herself up to block out whatever lines of truth coming her way. Before she could work through the pain happening in her body, his hand went to her shoulder for comfort.
"Be careful, don't hurt yourself. Try to relax" she forced herself to look at him.
"Just tell me she's okay" His brown eyes filled up with water, with the tremble of his lips mashing together.
"I..." An tear falls.
"They tried" She shook her head impulsively as her breathing accelerated and the monitor beeped louder and faster. She found it very hard to breathe right now. She just knew, he was lying, had to be lying, she wasn't an goner.
"No!" Her heart ceased to exist, beeping of the monitor be damned.
"No!" She repeated as Spencer took her by the hand. Pounding from her head intensified.
"She...she' can't...." Olivia hiccupped.
"They tried their best, Liv. All they could do was done" He tried to explain.
"She was strong, just like you" Her stream of tears dripped like rain droplets on an cloudy Sunday.
"Baby" He cupped her face with his palms.
"I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm.... truly and very sorry. I begged them to help her, to save her. I even asked God to take me so you could keep her. It didn't happen"
Her chest heaved as deep sobs from the pit of her soul raked through her body. She could care less about the pain, she wanted to revel in it and how real it was. Her baby girl was gone, she was supposed to keep her out of harm's way and couldn't. Kept her alive this whole time, and now she's gone.
"No! Please....no" she begged. Spencer wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight against his chest, allowing her emotions to unravel.
"Shhh, it's okay" He tried to calm her, planting soft kisses to her hair.
"Olivia" She heard Kianna's voice. Spencer loosened his grip as her best friend walked over to the other side.
"I'm not sure what to say to you right now, other then I love you"
"She didn't stand an chance here. I can't handle this, Ki, this is too much" Her voice full of anguish.
"I know" Kianna wiped the tears from Liv's cheek.
"It's not fair, I can't believe this" She looked over to Spencer, the strong man that looked like he was truly falling apart at the seams. Hair disheveled, scruff from his goatee turning into an full beard, cuts on his face in the healing stage.
"How long?" She choked on her own words. Spencer's lip quivered as another released down the shape of his face. His eyes blinked over to Kianna. Kianna looked down, squeezing her friends hand.
"Four days" she sniffled.
"You underwent surgery. They said that you ruptured your spleen, so they had her removed. You fought hard for her love" Kianna's tears produced rapidly.
"She wasn't able to hold on"
Olivia's tears sped up some more and kept coming without pause. She lost her brother two years ago, and she believed she'd never recover from that, or be able to rival from that pain, until now. Jordan's death was an gentle kiss across her skin compared to the knife slicing through her chest right now. There was not enough words to express how empty she feels. She looked out her window, wishing to slip back into the darkness. In the darkness, she had her daughter, she had Spencer, everything she wanted, but in the light, she had nothing.
"Olivia?" Spencer says, but she refused to look his way. Few moments later, an nurse walked in.
"Hi, sweetheart" The nurse bid her best at not trying to be so jolly. Her eyes took in the scene of family and friends shedding tears around her bedside.
"I came to check you over and give you some medication for the pain, alright?"
"Sure whatever" she replied. She had zero strength for any emotions. She was broken. Yet again, someone she loved was taken from her. She was robbed of the family she never knew she wanted to have. The nurse checked her vitals, typing words into an small computer, then injected liquid into her IV.
"Okay, that should help with your headache pain" Her hand gently squeezed Olivia's arm.
"Your family's been at your bedside this whole time. Get your rest, sweetie. Doctors will be in soon now that you're awake" Kianna's red-rimmed eyes latched onto Olivia's.
"I get you're hurting, both of you are" She peered at Spencer.
"But I just..." stumbling through her sentence.
"Listen, if you need me, whatever it may be, I'll be here" Olivia's eyes shut closed.
"She's gone"
"Yes, she is gone and no it's not fair. It's terrible, and it's an tragedy for you both, but what isn't an tragedy is losing all three of you. You're here, Spencer's here and now is the time for you to lean on each other. You have to grieve and understand that you have people around you that love you and will come to your aide at any point for whatever you may need" An pained sob escaped her lips.
"Give me my daughter! Bring her back! That's what I need right now. Give me back my child! Can you help with that? Hmm?"
Spencer released her other hand walking towards the door. His back turned away with his shoulders shaking. She watched him fall apart. His hand braced on the window sill, wiping his face with the other. He didn't let her see him, but she knew all he was doing was trying to keep it together, while failing at it miserably. Kianna choked on the sob she was holding.
"I...I can't, I wish I could"
"Just as I thought" Olivia turned, looking away.
"I'm tired, I wanna go to sleep" Kianna nods, kissing her forehead.
"Okay, love. Rest while you can, we can talk more later. I love you" Olivia drew in an shaky breath.
"I know" Kianna turned, walking to Spencer, gripping his arm. She spoke low enough so only he could hear what she was whispering, and he nodded. Her eyes glanced back to Olivia one more time before slipping out the door. Spencer's came towards Olivia with an pained look in his eyes. Once an few moments of silence come and go, Olivia whispers,
"Why did this have to happen to us? Why?"
"I don't know, and I'm sorry that I can't answer that question for you" She closed her eyes letting everything settle in.
"Did you get to see her?"
"We don't have to discuss this right now" He spoke hesitantly, with sadness lacing his tone, and she could care less.
"Tell me! I need to know! I-I need!"
She became hysterical. She had been out for days while him and everyone else had time to process this. She just learned she lost her baby. She needed to know what happened. Did she get hurt? Was there anything she could've done? As she moved to sit up, an stabbing sensation hit her side. She sucked in a breath closing her eyes.
"Alright" He pushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ear.
"I'll tell you, but just stay calm, please" She agrees with an nod, slowly relaxing herself.
"I have to know, Spencer"
"I saw her. I held her. Held her in my palm and cried. She's beautiful and tiny, I told her how much I love her, and how much you do too" he tells her. Her eyes closed choking back tears, as they slipped past her eyelashes falling down her cheek.
"I can't. I'm sorry I just can't. I really thought I could, but I can't" She stopped him. His body slumped, leaning against the side of the bed.
"Okay" Resignation settled between the couple.
"We don't gotta do this right now. Once you've had your rest, we'll take it from there"
Only there was nowhere left to go. They were going to have to find an way to be childless parents, get through the days. She'd have to look at her empty stomach every day for the rest of her life knowing she's gone.
"Love" Mrs. James had been talking at her for what felt like an hour. She mentioned "talking at" because she hadn't been responding. She couldn't talk when she felt dead on the inside.
"We're going to have to make arrangements soon"
"Okay so make them, just pick whatever I don't care" she beseeched, wanting her to go away. Kianna shared an look with her, and Spencer stared out the window. That morning, the chaplain came to talk to them about losing an child and the importance of grieving. As if Olivia didn't know enough about it to relate. He urged them to name her, spend time with her before allowing themselves to be free and let her go. Then the doctor had explained there were no policies regarding infants, and they had to just let their wants be known. After both had left, Spencer spoke as she sat there crying and listening, wishing she could soothe his pain. He was in agony, while she was knee deep in her own pain. She didn't have the right words. She held his hand while she spoke of their baby and all that she meant to him. He told her how scared he had been about her not being able to come out of this. That he was going to lose Olivia too. His pain was palpable while sharing his guilt and remorse. Sure, it wasn't his fault, but she stilled, failing to get the words out. It's not that she didn't believe him, it was just she was struggling to breathe. She wanted everyone to leave her alone right now, every single one of them.
"Pick what you want, like I said, I don't care" she tried for an calm tone, but by the way everyone's eyes grew, she had failed at that.
"Have you decided if you wanna see her?" Kianna brought up the subject again.
"We're not going to do anything until you've made up your mind on that, Liv. Once its done, we can't undo it"
"No" Her head turned away from them, touching her stomach.
"I'm not ready yet" Spencer's hand touched her shoulder.
"We are grateful for your help" He says to them.
"Let's let Olivia get some rest, and I'll let ya'll know if she changes her mind about an burial"
They bid their goodbyes giving her space. Few more minutes passed without either of them saying an word. She's struggling with an myriad of things, in physical pain and an broken heart, utterly and completely shredded apart. Sleeping she dreams of her, awaken she thinks and cries for her. Everybody offered sympathy and support, but none of them could mend the hole in her heart.
"I'm not tryna push" Spencer voices, breaking the silence.
"I know that"
"If you...want me there with you when you see her, I can be. I'll give you anything you need, Liv. Anything"
Her eyes softened at his effort. He was trying, both of them were. No secrets in how hard this was for him. Tear-streaked facial expression, puffy eyes, constant worry evident in his vision. He was swimming in the same pool of grief that she had resided in, barely treading water, slowly sinking below. She's gone back and forth on what she should do, but deep down she already knew.
"I wanna see her"
"You want me to go with you?" Her head turned slowly at him.
"I don't wanna ask you to, I know it's selfish, but I...don't think I can do it alone" She says with her voice shaken. Spencer rushed forward, wrapping her in his embrace. She didn't care that she was physically in pain from his touch, she wanted him to never let go. Right now, she could breathe an little.
"You won't have to" She allowed herself to wallow in this comfort, his comfort, clinging to him, to them, and the ache that would bind them together for an lifetime. They pressed their foreheads together after sharing tears and their sorrows with one another. After collecting themselves, Spencer called on the nurse. She explained the process to them, letting her know what to expect. There's no real way to prepare for something like this. How do you prepare to say goodbye to your child? You don't. You can't. If life were that easy. She never held her, never heard her cry, tie her shoes on her first day of school, still she loved her. She named her through her heart, carried her in her belly, gave everything she could. Now, the only thing left was, goodbye.
Spelivia angst era has commenced and it will be around for an while. Light up those comments and share your thoughts. Hard chapter, I know. Love each of you! Until next time!