I promise happier times are in order you guys :,)
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THURSDAY, MAY 1, 1969
On Death and Dying, a book recently published by a psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Alexandria had come across the book in the library a few days after her miscarriage and found that it outlined five supposed stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Generally not the one to find psychiatry books terribly interesting, Alexandria had actually found a bit of comfort in the book. She could feel herself going through these stages as she grieved the loss of her second baby, and after a long few weeks, she was feeling surprisingly at peace with the whole ordeal. She blamed that, in part, on Kübler-Ross's book.
She still had awful flashbacks to that day. She still thought about how it felt to sit on that toilet with that tiny, tiny baby in her hands below her. At only eleven weeks, the Harrisons' second baby already resembled a baby.
After the chaos subsided and they had a moment to themselves, the doctor brought in whatever was salvaged. It was in a small, plastic cup with a lid, the same ones that they took urine samples in. You could see the baby's head, the little triangle that was a nose, and its arms were tucked against its chest along with its legs. It was jarring, and it really only made Alexandria feel worse. She cried over it for a long time, right up to the moment that the doctor told her her time with her baby was up.
During the little bit of time they had with their child, Alexandria and George named it Riley, and since then, they'd gotten two little rocks to put in their garden as a small memorial for themselves.
Even though she was feeling at peace with what had happened to her, though, she was still a tad broken on the inside. She felt empty now that her pregnancy had ended so abruptly. Even almost a month later, she was still a little on the heavier side. Her breasts were still enlarged, and her stomach still had a little bulge in it. She figured that was just bloating by now, though.
Her pregnancy symptoms were gone. She was no longer ill, she didn't ache as much as she had, whatever foods she had had aversions to she could now eat. It was as if it never even happened.
But it had.
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It was raining, and much to Alexandria's dismay, her menstrual cycles had already made another appearance. Her stomach was cramping, and every time she saw the blood, she thought she may very well lose it. It made her dizzy to look out. Sometimes, it felt like she'd bloody pass out whenever she saw it. She was irritated with it already. Doctors told her that it would take weeks for her cycles to start up again, weeks more than reality dictated. Nothing could ever be normal with her. Nothing.
Alexandria sat at the kitchen table, looking out at the gloomy weather with a dismayed look on her face. George came and sat next to her, pushing a cup of coffee in front of her.
"Morning," George greeted, taking a sip of his own coffee. He could already tell that something was off about Alexandria. She was a lot gloomier today than she had been for the past few weeks. He reached over and rubbed his hand along her back. "Feeling a little down today?" he asked gently.
Alexandria turned and nodded. "A little," she answered. "My period decided to surprise me this morning," she said. George's heart hurt at that, and he didn't know what to say. "It hurts a lot," she said. "And every time I see the blood...I feel physically ill, George, like I'm gonna puke."
George reached over and took her hand, squeezing it tight. "I'm sorry, Alex," he said quietly.
Alexandria looked over at him and smiled. "It's fine," she said, putting on a strong face, and George smiled back. "But, it's making me think now. Are we gonna...try this again, you know?" Ever since the miscarriage, Alexandria and George had gone back to avoiding the possibility of pregnancy. They hadn't discussed trying again, and they weren't really ready before now. For the past few days, though, they'd both had it on their minds. It was just a matter of time before they began discussing it again.
George looked a bit dejected. He didn't have his thoughts together immediately, so he took a sip of his coffee to give him time to gather them. "Well," he said. Then, he paused. How did he put this? "I don't think we're gonna have much luck on our own, Alex," he said gently. Alexandria bit her lip because her throat tightened upon hearing those words. It sounded like he was losing faith, and what if he did? She nodded stiffly. "Now, don't get me wrong, I wanna keep tryin'...but I think we need to talk to a doctor about ways we can be more successful."
Alexandria kept on nodding because if she were to open her mouth, she'd surely start crying. She understood, of course. What her husband was suggesting made perfect sense, but it still made her feel like a bit of a failure. Then, she straightened her back, blinked away her tears, and took a deep breath so she could speak clearly. "I'm goin' to see my gynecologist tomorrow," she said. "I can talk to her about what we could do to help."
George nodded. He scooted his chair over and wrapped an arm around her waist, placing his hand on her thigh. "I know how you feel," he said in a whisper, leaning his head close to her. "Don't feel the way you do, all right?"
Alexandria nodded, reaching up to wipe at her eyes. "It's easier said than done," she answered, leaning her head against him. She took another deep breath, then sat back up and sipped at her coffee.
"You don't have to be strong all the time," George told her, placing his hand on the small of her back.
"I want to be strong," she answered.
"You don't have to be."
Alexandria took another sip of her coffee. Something tasted oddly familiar about it. Then, she cringed away from it and nearly gagged, her stomach churning. "Is that caramel?" she asked George.
George nodded. "I thought that's how you like it."
She stood up, pressing a hand to her suddenly unsettled stomach and trailing into the kitchen. George watched her as she poured the liquid into the kitchen sink. Neither of them said a word as they listened to it travel down the drain. It reminded her too much of her pregnancy. The caramel coffee was what she had enjoyed perhaps the most. She couldn't drink it now that her baby was gone. It brought back memories that she'd rather not look back on at the moment. It was still too fresh.
Once the last of the coffee was gone, she made her way to the bedroom to get ready for the day. George watched her until it was impossible to see her anymore, then he returned to his own coffee. He leaned his elbow against the table and peered at the coffee cup beside him. There was no doubt in his mind that they'd never speak of this again.
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FRIDAY, MAY 2, 1969
Alexandria's gynecologist, the same one she had had since she was first diagnosed with endometriosis, entered the room looking decidedly chipper. There was a lurch in Alexandria's stomach because she realized that she hadn't even informed her gynecologist, named Holly, of her miscarriage. Her appointments with this particular doctor had been scarce during her pregnancy because most of her appointments had been with her midwife.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Harrison. How are you today?"
Alexandria folded her hands in her lap awkwardly. "Well, I suppose I've got news," she said stiffly, awkwardly. Holly recognized the dread in Alexandria's face, and the smile on her face quickly faded. She couldn't think of anything to say, so she just beckoned Alexandria along with her eyes. "I had a miscarriage," she said, trying to sound strong even though the word alone made her want to cry until she vomited. "On the eleventh, so it was a couple weeks ago now."
Alexandria paused. Once again, Holly didn't know what to say, so she went on. "I've just started my period. Once again, it's awfully soon after the whole miscarrying part of this cruel journey."
"Well, how are you feeling now?" Holly asked, her voice more somber than before.
"Well, I think I've coped with this one much better than the last. Mentally, you know. It was bloody awful, 'specially since it was the day before we planned to tell George's parents the news. I was sad for a while, but I read this book by this psychiatrist...really helped me understand what I was feeling. I'm still upset, obviously, but I think I'm at peace with the whole thing. I've been meditating a lot with George. It's awfully calming." She paused. This sounded like something she needed to discuss with a damned therapist, not a gynecologist.
Holly nodded. "That's good," she answered softly.
"But, that doesn't matter here," Alexandria said when she realized that the woman in front of her specialized in lady bits, not mental health. "What I really need to be telling you is that we aren't givin' up yet." She gulped. "We really want this, you know, a family."
Holly smiled. She was glad that Alexandria was still hopeful. Usually, by this point, her patients were so burnt out that they gave up before they could get the thing they wanted the most, and that broke Holly's heart. Before Holly could offer any input, Alexandria went on. "But, before all that, I've got some requests and some questions."
"Requests?" Holly asked curiously.
"Yes, those come first," Alexandria responded. Holly opened her mouth to say something, but Alexandria cut in before she could get a word out. "I need you to tell me if you don't think it's gonna happen," she said. "I need you to tell me because I can't go on like this. I can't go on miscarryin' every damn baby that comes my way. I can't, and I need to know if you think that's going to be the result every time. I need you to tell me before I even go on with my questions." Alexandria stared at her doctor for a few seconds, and Holly could feel the pressure that had just be laid on her shoulders.
"Did they tell you why you miscarried?" she asked.
Alexandria shrugged. "They didn't have a real answer. Blamed it on endometriosis, of course. It all happened so fast, it's hard to even pinpoint when exactly it started."
"How did it happen?" Holly asked, and she could see a bit of life leave Alexandria's eyes. It tore her apart that she had to ask such questions, she knew that Alexandria was still in the process of grieving her loss, but she had to know exactly how it happened to answer the question that had been sprung upon her.
"Well, I was out with George, and I was feeling a little off. It didn't feel like anything to be worried about at first because I just felt a little—y'know—ropey, and pregnancy makes you feel that way sometimes.
"Well, it started to get worse and I told him that we needed to go home, so we were heading that way when I started cramping. After that, it happened a lot like the first time. I fainted, the bleeding started after I got to the hospital and they'd monitored me a few times. The heartbeat just got fainter every time they checked.
"I got these weird pains a lot, the doctor called 'em contractions, which struck me as bizarre considering that happens during labor. I didn't even know you could go through labor so early. I thought that it just kind of came out..." She paused. "But then, it felt like I had to push, and somethin' came out.
"That somethin' was our baby," Alexandria finished in nearly a whisper, her heart so heavy that it felt like it was affecting her lungs. "We got to see it for a while. They couldn't tell the gender, but we named it Riley." Alexandria smiled reminiscently. "I'm so glad we got to see it for a while."
Holly smiled along with her patient. She was also glad that Alexandria had gotten to see the baby. That seemed to be therapeutic for her. "Did they do any sort of testing at the hospital?" Holly asked. "To find out what the cause was?"
Alexandria shook her head gravely. "I asked 'em...repeatedly. They just kept dismissing it. One of them even told me that it didn't matter because it wouldn't change anything!" She scoffed. "That seems rather unprofessional to me." She sniffled just a bit and tried to hide it.
Holly shook her head in disbelief. "That is rather unprofessional," she agreed. "If they didn't do anything like that, there's no way we can know for sure," she added. Alexandria reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose. She saw that one coming.
"So, let's just blame it on the endometriosis, then," Alexandria said. "Clearly, my case is pretty grueling, so will it even be possible for me to have a baby at this point?" she asked, once again giving her doctor that look that seemed to slowly apply a bit of pressure to her shoulders.
"Yes, it's possible," Holly said, though Alexandria sensed a bit of hesitation in her voice. "But, I don't think it's going to happen on its own."
"And what do you mean by that?" Alexandria asked, sounding a touch unsettled.
"There are things we can do medically to help you conceive," she said. "Granted, we have very limited options...but there are still options."
Alexandria nodded. "Options like...what?"
Holly drew in a deep breath before responding. "Well, the one that is most likely to be successful...we can perform a laparoscopy. It'll allow us to remove endometrial deposits, ovarian cysts, or scarred tissue. On top of that, it could also maybe see if there's something else that could be causing these problems."
Alexandria nodded again, though her stomach churned at the idea of undergoing this surgery for a second time. The first had been hellish enough. "I feel like there has to be a catch," she said.
"Generally, you'll have to conceive within six months of the procedure. After that, its effects start to wear off."
Alexandria paused to think. Well, it hadn't taken her and George very long with this last conception. Did she think they could seamlessly manage the feat a second time?
"Would that be something you're interested in trying?" Holly asked when she received no response from Alexandria.
"Well, I've definitely got to talk to George before setting anything in stone," she said. Holly nodded. "But, at this point, I'm unbelievably desperate. I'll try absolutely anything, really."
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Alexandria sipped on a glass of scotch mixed perfectly with some Coke. The concoction had kept her calm on dozens of flights over the years, and she'd eventually grown quite fond of it. She still hadn't smoked a single cigarette since the end of January, though. Much like caramel coffee reminded her of how much she enjoyed the drink during her short-lived pregnancy, the memory of how much she hated the smell of cigarettes also reminded her of her pregnancy.
She'd done a lot of thinking over the past few hours, the past few hours that she had spent holed up in Kinfauns all alone. George was in the studio today, and judging by the fact that it was nearing the early evening and he still wasn't home, it must have been a productive and interesting session.
She'd thought about having laparoscopy again, she'd even made a list of all the pros and cons of the procedure to present to George when he got home. She spent a bit of her afternoon going back in time. She thought back to the first time she had the procedure done. She was miserable for quite a while afterward, and when her periods started again, she remembered how awful they were. She felt queasy at how willing she was to put herself through that much pain again, but then she thought of how it could end by next year. If all went well, this laparoscopy would end with her getting to know a child, a perfect product of her and George. If all went well, she'd experience the greatest kind of love known to man.
So, the longer she thought, the more hellbent she was on getting this procedure done. The pros certainly outweighed the cons—she'd take a couple weeks of pain for a lifetime of happiness any day—and she was positive that George would agree with her by the end of the night. If she didn't have more than two brain cells left over after her first glass of scotch and Coke, she'd have called Holly up that very evening to schedule the surgery.
After she had decided on her own to have the surgery, she began to think about other things she had discussed with Holly. She thought about Holly's reaction when she informed her that the doctors at the hospital had refused to run any tests on her to figure out why she had miscarried. She'd begged them to, for probably hours after she'd passed the fetus, and they'd brushed her aside every time she suggested it. She'd assumed that maybe there simply was no test they could run that would given them a definitive answer, and even then she thought a hypothetical answer was better than nothing, but judging by her reaction to Alexandria's tellings, Holly seemed to think that they could have found a reason had they ran those tests.
So by the middle of her second glass of scotch and Coke, Alexandria was pissed off at those doctors. She'd do anything in the world to never go back to that hospital, to those doctors. She wasn't sure how she'd ever go back there. She wasn't sure how she'd ever see a room that looked remotely similar to the one she had spent those four awful days in just last month.
With a thousand thoughts swarming her head, it was a wonder that she managed to doze off. George found her curled up in a ball on the couch when he finally made it home at almost seven-thirty that evening. When he realized that she was sleeping, he tried to keep quiet, no matter how much he wanted to wake her up and bombard her with questions about her doctor's appointment. Instead, he pulled a throw blanket from behind her on the couch and laid it over top of her. She was wearing a dress, and it looked like she had to be freezing. On a side table beside her was her abandoned glass of scotch and Coke, which George gladly took to help her finish it off. Once he had the glass in his hands, he sat down beside her head and waited.
At some point, he began to brush his fingers through her hair. He loved the way it felt, he always had. It wasn't long after this that Alexandria's eyes finally opened again. She had a piercing pain in the back of her head because her body had already grown unused to the amount of alcohol she had consumed since coming home, and she could feel George's fingers as they traveled through her hair. For a few moments, she didn't even want to move. Her brain had slowed its thoughts down as she slept, but soon, the thoughts began to buzz once again and she moved.
She shifted her body slightly so that she could rest her head in George's lap, and she shrugged the blanket he had given her closer around her shoulder. George jumped in surprise when she started moving so suddenly, but then he smiled. "It appears you've been getting wasted without me. I thought I wrote it into my vows that you weren't allowed to do that anymore," he quipped, pushing her hair behind her shoulder so it wasn't in her face.
Alexandria smiled. "Well, aren't you just the cheekiest of the lot?" she responded. "I missed you today. Been thinking about a lot of things. You know how awful it is to think when you're sober. Thought I'd spruce things up just a little bit." She sighed and closed her eyes again. George resumed brushing her hair with his hands as he finished off the glass of scotch and Coke in his hand. He leaned forward to place it on the coffee table, and upon seeing it, Alexandria frowned. "That was mine," she said.
"Shouldn't have left it unattended, huh?"
"I guess not."
They both fell into silence. Alexandria tried to take a moment to gather her thoughts. There was so much to be discussed after her appointment, but she didn't even know where in the hell to begin. George seemed to read her mind. "Is there a whole lot to discuss?" he asked.
"Yes, there is," Alexandria responded. "I'm trying to figure out where to start."
"Take your time, then," George said.
"I will," she answered.
"We're rubbish at these conversations, aren't we?"
"Absolutely." Alexandria paused. "Okay, so I asked her if she thought it was a bad idea to keep trying," she said finally.
"And?' George answered anxiously. "Does she think it is?"
"No, she doesn't," Alexandria answered with a vague smile.
George let out a sigh in relief. "You don't know how great it is to hear that," he said.
"Well, don't get all bubbly yet," she said. "Because I haven't finished."
George gulped. "Go on, then," he said sheepishly.
"She says that these miscarriages are like a sign, a sign that we probably aren't going to get what we want on our own."
"And what does that mean?" George asked.
"Well, she gave a suggestion that may help us in our endeavors. I'm not entirely sure you're going to like it, though."
"Well, what is it?"
"She suggested I get another laparoscopy," Alexandria answered. Before George could even think to protest the idea, Alexandria started speaking again. "She says that it may help us find out if there may be something else causing the miscarriages, and she said that it can be used to remove endometrial tissue, scarred tissue, or ovarian cysts if they find some of those. Having these sorts of things done is in our best interest, she says.
"Before you say anything, I just want to say that I'm really considering it," Alexandria finished with a sigh. "I'm desperate at this point, George. I'm willing to try anything."
"You know I hate the idea of you having any sort of surgical procedure done," George began. "But, if you really want this, then I don't wanna be the one that stands in the way."
"George, this could really help us," Alexandria said. She pivoted her head so that she was staring straight up at his face. He tilted his head down to look at her. "It really could," she added just for emphasis.
"Is there a catch, other than you having to actually have the procedure done?" George asked her.
"Well, there is one thing. I dunno if you'd call it a catch or not, but Holly says that we'd likely have to conceive within six months. The effects of this surgery do wear off eventually when all that was removed begins to come back."
George nodded. Well, that didn't sound so bad, did it? "Well, if it'll help us and you really want to, then I think you should do it," he said finally.
Alexandria smiled and sat up. She placed a kiss against his lips and threaded both of her arms around one of his. She leaned her head against his shoulder. "What else did you discuss?" he asked her.
"I told her what happened specifically," Alexandria said. "She sounded a bit flabbergasted when I told her that the doctors refused to run any tests. I was thinkin' about all that while I was waiting for you to get home, actually."
"What about it?" George asked.
"Well, I've got so many bad memories of hospitals now," she said. "Just looking at one makes me feel anxious." She paused. "Got to thinking about how things used to be done."
George cocked an eyebrow. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
"I don't think I want to have my baby in a hospital, George," she said. "I think I'd rather be somewhere where I feel more comfortable. Like at home with you and a handful of people I trust."
"Alex, that's preposterous," George said with a sigh. "You've already had so many problems in this department. You need to have this baby in a hospital. What if something were to go wrong?"
"I'd have a midwife there," Alexandria responded, blissfully unaware of the horrified look on her husband's face. "And we've got phones, y'know, in case anything really goes wrong."
"I can't tell if you're being serious or not."
"George, your mum birthed all four of you at home! If anything, we can haul her down here to help." Alexandria scoffed. "I don't want to be in the damned hospital. It makes me sick and worried. The very thought makes me want to cry, actually." She sniffled. "Which I might," she added.
George sighed. "Christ, Alex, how much did you drink?" he asked her.
"N-not that much," she answered pitifully. She turned and wrapped her arms around his slender body, putting her head back on his shoulder. "I just hate the idea of being in the care of the same people who refused to help me find out why in the hell I keep miscarryin' all my babies. If they don't care about how the dead ones died, then I don't want 'em carin' for my living ones."
George turned his head to try and get a glimpse of her. Then, he reached forward and wiped her eyes. "All right, don't cry," he said.
"Just promise me you'll at least consider it."
"Well, yeah, I'll think about it."
"And while you're thinking about it, remember that it's what I want, all right?"
"All right," he responded. "I'll take all that into account."
"Good," she answered. She lifted her head to smile at him. Her smile was absolutely infectious, and before she even said anything, George was already smiling with her. "You've always been considerate like that. It's one of the things I love most about you. Have I ever said that?"
"Well," he said, reaching up to twirl a bit of her hair through his fingers. "I'm sure you've said it at some point. Say, what is it that you love the most about me?"
Alexandria raised an eyebrow. "How about you answer that question first, George," she said, angling her body toward him.
"Don't have just one thing," George responded, mirroring her actions so that they were both facing each other.
"Then, name a few."
"Well, I've always been drawn to your looks," he said. "From the time I was a small lad running around on the playground with you, I've always thought you were very pretty. I also love your personality; you're so creative, thoughtful, and affectionate. Your mind is also incredible; you're so smart, a trait I unfortunately wasn't blessed with." He smirked and she rolled her eyes. Then, he leaned forward to steal a kiss from her lips. "And I love the way you love me," he said finally. "You love me better than I could ever have asked for...and I rather love that about you...love."
"You just said the word 'love' so many times," Alexandria quipped, leaning forward to kiss him again. No matter how many times they kissed, the feeling of his lips against hers always gave her a thrill. She felt it in the tips of her fingers and in her belly. She loved the way his lips felt, the way they tasted.
"So, now it's your turn," George said, reaching forward and threading his fingers through hers. "What is it you love most about me?"
"How sweet you are to me," she said. "Well, and to everyone else...but mostly to me," she whispered with a silly grin. "I just love everything about you, actually," she corrected herself. "Everything."
"I love you," George said with a grin.
"I love you too," Alexandria answered, her heart swelling in joy, a joy that seemed so scarce these days.
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