There was nothing that could ruin this euphoria she felt. He was the perfect first boyfriend. The perfect boyfriend.
Boyfriends / They think you're so easy / They take you for granted / They don't know / They're just misunderstanding you / You're back at it again
It started out just as any other relationship did. They met in college. He lived in the same dorm as her and their circles of friends intersected every so often. He told funny jokes that made her giggle from afar. When he heard that giggle and he answered with a sweet smile, she was done for. But for her entire life, she was never the girl boys flirted with; that was always her friends who knew way better how boys operated than she did. It was hard to believe anyone would even look her way when her whole life was spent being looked over.
But that smile...
How could she not hope?
It took some time, but she realized he was smiling at her. He was flirting with her. Her heart was a mess. Her poor friend was subject to so many questions. Questions she felt should have been answered back in elementary school let alone high school. There were so many things she didn't know how to do. Like how do you hold a guy's hand? How do you kiss one? What do you feed it?
When he finally asked her out on a date, he gave her hand a squeeze as they walked back from her class—where he met her after his class let out.
"You're a natural," he said softly in her ear. He could sense her distrust in herself. The anxiety about the situation rolled off her in waves. His hand squeezed hers and he smiled kindly at her.
"I've always been a fast learner," she joked but he didn't miss the blush that covered her cheeks.
"That doesn't surprise me," he said to her.
She confided in her friend that she was terrified. "What twenty-year old doesn't know how to kiss?" She asked her as they got her ready for their first official date.
"If you're really that nervous, I'll show you," she joked. She rolled her eyes.
"Give me one more week and I'll take you up on that," she muttered.
"Look," her friend was looking at her in the mirror. "If he's worthy of you, he's not going to give one care in the world," she said knowingly. "Remember that please. He's got to be worthy of you," she reminded him. "No matter how dreamy he is or how much you like him, I honestly don't care; if he doesn't treat you well, I will literally murder him," it sounded like a promise. She felt she had no choice but to believe her best friend.
"I feel like I won't be good enough."
"Girl," she shook her head. "You're going to be way better."
She wished she believed that was true.
She really wished she believed it when it was true.
*
They talked about their families and their hometown friends. He told her about his plans when he graduated at the end of the next year, and he asked her how much longer she had before she would be off to her next adventure. He was one year ahead of her, but she was a year ahead of all her friends who arrived at the same time. He decided she was much too smart for him but he didn't care. He told her he loved her giggle and he held her hand while they waited for the waiter to cash out their check. It was warm and natural. She didn't feel awkward.
Because the spring weather was just arriving, they walked back to their dorm taking an extra lap around campus. They held hands, told jokes, chatted more and more until her feet were sore and she reminded him she had a test the next morning.
He walked her right to her room and smiled sheepishly at her. "Would it be alright if I kissed you?" He asked. She nodded eagerly and enjoyed the foreign feel of lips on hers. It was better than she imagined, and she hoped she was as fast a learner as he said she was when they held hands.
It was the perfect first date.
*
He was undeniably sweet. He would walk her to and from class when he wasn't actively in class or halfway across campus. On long days she would find a coffee outside her room with a note. When she was at work at the bookstore, he may have meandered in more than necessary to chat with her while she organized the shelves and helped people find their books. On date nights—almost every Saturday—he treated her to a movie and dinner. As an active member of his fraternity, she was at every fancy event looking stunning and garnering the attention of all his friends.
Since she had a car on campus, she was able to drive him to the grocery store to help him stock his apartment with friends. She helped him clean it and do his laundry. She didn't blink twice doing these things. She wanted to. He would rub her neck while she studied and was sure to give her a whole bunch of kisses when she was stressed and tired before she'd fall asleep watching a movie he picked out on the couch.
Like he said, she was a natural.
"I told you, you would be the best," her friend reminded her. "I knew you would be," she smirked. But she still felt a sense of uneasiness. Thinking about finals had made her uneasy to begin with; the new relationship just added to it. She spent a lot of time studying and he didn't resent her for it, but she sensed his annoyance at her lack of time for him. She balanced as best she could but there were times, she had to say no.
When she worried about those times, she usually made it up to him by making homemade brownies or chocolate chip muffins. Enough for his whole frat. Once the guys were on her side, there was no stopping her. He had no choice but to adore her and he very much did. "You're the best, angel," he told her and kissed her forehead as she ironed his shirt for a formal gathering.
As they moved out of their dorm, she worried about the summer apart from him for such an extended time, but she managed to rationalize it: she would be there for her summer course, she would tutor the days she had class, the weekends were theirs.
And it went perfectly. The summer was beautiful. Her skin was tanned, and her heart was full. It was everything she dreamed about and more.
There was nothing that could ruin this euphoria she felt. He was the perfect first boyfriend. The perfect boyfriend.
*
She wouldn't be able to pinpoint it. Sometime after the ten-month mark but before the one-year mark. It was different. At the end of the fall semester, she was able to chalk it up to his lack of planning to study for some of his more intense finals. Early in their relationship she found out quickly he didn't plan well.
That's where she was the best. "Thank you, angel," he said gratefully.
She did everything and more for him. He didn't expect her to. But he didn't stop her either. Sure, he did sweet things for her. He would buy her dinner when they went out to eat. He fixed things for her when she asked (but that meant she actually had to ask, which was rare). While he waited for her to ask, he never waited for her to do. She never waited for him to ask her. She volunteered readily. She helped with anything. Bending over backwards to appease his every need before he even knew he needed it.
"Thank you, angel," it was said as a mantra more than it was out of true thankfulness.
He adored her; at least she thought he did. On her toughest and most busy days she worried that he adored the stuff she did.
It didn't happen all at once. It was slow and gradual. The comfort of having her around all the time waiting on him hand and foot. He stopped doing the sweet things he did at the beginning of their relationship. He didn't walk her from class to class. He didn't meet her to walk her back to their dorm. He no longer got her a coffee after a long day, nor did he voluntarily offer to take her on cool dates and things. The neck rubs stopped. He wasn't around all the time.
She was just...there. She never missed a fraternity event he asked her to be at. If he needed a baked good, she was already in the kitchen. Laundry or grocery shopping, she was always there to help.
She was there all the time.
While he was exhausted from studying, she was going to dinner with her friend. Her eyes were just as tired, maybe even more so than his but he didn't notice...or he did but pretended not to.
Her best friend noticed, of course. They sat at the table where she had her first date almost a year ago. He would be graduating in a mere few weeks. Their relationship was going to change again. It made her nervous. Still feeling so new at the girlfriend thing, she worried about what she was doing and if it was enough. "Can I say something without you getting mad?" Her friend wondered. Her eyebrows together she glanced up at her friend as she asked the question. She nodded solemnly, sleepily. Pushing her straw around in her drink as she thought about the next final she needed to start studying for, the clothes she needed to iron for him, and the packing and cleaning they would have to do before he had to move out of his apartment by the end of the month. "Are you happy?" She asked.
She looked up from her drink and tilted her head. "Why would you ask that?"
She rolled her eyes. "Girl," she said softly. "You're exhausted. I haven't seen you smile in I don't know how long... and... I miss your laughter," she said quietly.
She thought about it for a moment because she realized it had been so long since she had laughed. Really laughed. Her stomach didn't feel tight from being short of breath from her own joke or one of his. She hadn't spent this quality time with her best friend in so long. "Y-yeah..." she said shaking her head. "Of course, I am," she said more confidently than she felt.
Her friend's eyes looked completely unsure. "I want to believe you so badly."
"But you don't?" She wondered. A voice in the back of her head was screaming but was unable to be heard by the idea of a boy actually loving her. In any form. Keep asking. Keep pressing. Let me out!
"No...because...I've seen you happy...and this isn't it."
She opened her mouth to respond but she was interrupted.
"Hi," the pair turned to the voice at the side of their table. He was looking right at her. Almost into her soul. It stole her breath a moment before she steadied her heart. "M'so sorry. I promise I never do this, but I... I can't take m'eyes off you," he said softly to her. He took a deep breath with a sheepish grin on his lips. He was looking at her again with these stunning eyes. "You're...you're in m'horrible eight in the morning math class and you're...you're brilliant," he said. "I... jus' wanted to say hi and... this is my number. You don't have to use it...but you're beautiful and brilliant and... okay, m'gonna go now," he said shyly and turned on his heel before he could be rejected.
After a beat of silence her friend sipped her drink and eyed her suspiciously. She smirked impishly at her. "Well..." she chuckled. "There's the happiness I knew you had in you." She snorted looking over the white napkin with the scrawly writing on it. "What's it say? Who is that?" She wondered.
"Uh..." she shook her head and tried to picture anyone in that early morning class. She was the only one awake and sat in the front like a goody-two-shoes. She didn't know anybody except the professor. "Harry," she said reading the scribbly napkin.
"Harry, hmm..." she hummed appreciatively. "Harry had very nice eyes...and nice fingers."
"You listened to what he said and had time to notice his fingers?" She wondered with a laugh.
She smiled at the sound of the laughter. "Girl...if you do it right, that should be like the third thing you notice."
That sent her into a fit of giggles that made her wonder if she really was happy.