It has been six months since Charlie turned down the job offer in New York. It has been three months since the on-and-off between Charlie and Nicole became only off. It has been a month since Nicole moved on while she can't drain the feeling she has for Nicole. The 'I love you' that has never been said or told still overflows within her. She doesn't know what to do and now she drowns in it. It was quite a year. It was one thing after another. Her soul is tainted by the pain and exhaustion and she wants nothing more than to cleanse it.
So that is exactly what she does. A can of iced-cold soda in her hand takes the role of a cleanser and a bleacher under the shade of the fresh green trees acts as a resting place to cure her exhaustion. It is Saturday and it is Summer so this is one of the best ways she knows how to spend it; just let her mind fly through the sunny day. Blake is playing his little league game. He is practicing his swing in the on-deck circle; looking sharp and bigger than he was when the last season ended with granny in the audience. Their mom, Patricia, is sitting a few rolls in front of her; talking to other moms about everything that is not related to the game. Her step-dad, Billy, is leaning over the fence by the first-base coaching box with his eyes and his smile on his son. He looks like a typical little league dad but what separates him from the others is how he doesn't really care if Blake hits well or defenses well. All he cares about is Blake's happiness. It is a little over two months into the season and Blake has already gotten so much better. Although Blake makes baseball his priority for the summer, his birthday that is coming up seems to be catching up to knock the first place down its throne.
Charlie sips her soda and pauses a bit to feel the dark liquid travelling down her throat and spread the energy throughout her system. She adjusts the ball cap that is trying its very best to protect her long pixie cut she has had last week from showing itself to the summer weather. The warm breeze sends the leaves flying and blows a figure to land next to her. Before her eyes get to make their way to cure the curiosity, the scent has already touched her nose and her heart automatically goes wild.
"Hey." Nicole; with her long brunette hair tied up in a ponytail, greets with an awkward smile. She leaves just a tiny bit of space from Charlie; just enough space for a hand to rest, but somehow, it feels greater than that. It feels like Charlie has moved herself emotionally across the country and her presence is beyond absent.
"Hi." Charlie shoots an empty smile that cuts deeper than the one with the cruel meaning. She starts crossing her legs and hunching over as if she is trying to prepare herself from another wave of pain that comes in a form of an angel. It still hurts and she still doesn't know how to cope. She has trouble moving on like she always does and Nicole has been doing her very best to help her get through it. However, the ugly truth is Charlie doesn't need that kind of help. She still wakes up with the pain in her chest knowing that the love was there but it couldn't save them. They broke up with their hearts filled with love for one another.
"I've been calling you." Nicole starts hesitantly as she watches Charlie nodding along what she has said. She doesn't even look at her as she listens. It hurts her that they have become something far worse than strangers. It hurts her that everything they had seems to go to waste. But to go on in a relationship where there were constantly doubts is not exactly what she wants.
"Yeah." Charlie responds quietly with her eyes away from the one whom she should engage in the conversation with. She doesn't have that kind of nerve within her. She cannot look at Nicole without regretting of losing her; without regretting that she hadn't done enough to keep her. "I've been busy with... Hmm... the job and everything. Kind of forgot to call back. Sorry."
"Oh, right. The one in New Haven. That's great, Charlie." Nicole reaches over and closes the distance by a touch she lands on Charlie's arm. Immediately, Charlie sits up straight and pulls her arm away to join another on her chest. She clearly looks uncomfortable by Nicole's presence and she doesn't even try to hide it. Charlie still makes her expression a grand announcement and that scares her more than anything. Nicole sighs quietly and pulls her hand back next to her. "I meant to talk to you about Shawn."
"Shawn?" Charlie clears her throat and waves with her best pretended smile at Blake who is walking to the batting box. She doesn't mind talking to Nicole with a bit of the invisible distance between them but she doesn't want to talk to Nicole about the one who has replaced her.
"I told you about him." Nicole doesn't want to retell the whole thing. Although Charlie tries her very best to act like she doesn't know whom she is talking about, she knows Charlie knows exactly whom she is talking about.
"You did?"
"Charlie..."
"Right. I guess you did." Charlie puts her fake smile on briefly and still doesn't turn to face Nicole. Nicole is too nice of a person to just give someone a cold shoulder just to seek a peace of mind; however, Charlie is not that nice of a person. She will do whatever it takes to make sure she survives this; even though she has to kill someone she loves so dearly. "I probably forgot."
"He is probably coming to the school picnic with me next week." Nicole explains. What happened between them hurt her and she could imagine that it hurt Charlie just as much. She tries to put bandages all over the wound but the more she tries the more Charlie resists. Charlie doesn't want any bandages. She wants to look at the wound as long as it takes for them to magically fade away.
"That's ball." Charlie whispers.
"Excuse me? Balls?" Nicole questions what she has heard and gets a little offended. Charlie's resistance is getting out of hand. She goes on another rampage and Nicole is the main target.
Charlie springs up on her feet and makes sure what she has said is louder and catching the attention of the man in black by the home plate. "That's not strike. That's ball. That's a walk."
Charlie doesn't waste any more time to explain what she has said. She flees from the invisible confinement where Nicole is an acting guard and enters the unnecessary battlefield. Nicole watches Charlie take her steady steps down the bleacher to the game that is paused by her objection. Since they talked and concluded that Nicole would no longer be introduced as Charlie's girlfriend, everything; even a sigh from an ant, has been holding its priority. Charlie would jump into something else as soon as she gets a chance; just to get away from Nicole.
"Mr. Umpire." Charlie takes the steps past her mom with politeness leaking through her grips. "Sir, are you blind?"
"Charlotte." Patricia sighs. She has taken notice for a little while now that her daughter is in such a weird phrase of her life. She hasn't exactly become a rebellious-teen adult but whatever she has become, it is not entirely new. This breakup has taken such a huge toll on Charlie; bigger than the one she had had with Mia. As a mom, she is beyond worried and she wants to have her hand in putting colors in Charlie's world again. But she knows she can't do that for her. She knows it has to be on Charlie's terms or else it will get far worse.
"The ball could have hit the backstop if the catcher didn't reach and catch it." Charlie is stopped by the chest-high fence as she tries to explain what she saw to the home plate umpire who is surrounded by other umpires, the coach and a few players. "That's a walk."
"Charlotte." Billy reaches her and gently taps her arm to calm her down. He didn't know it but after a while and a few introductions, he recognizes the storm. She is bothered by something or by someone to be exact and she is taking it out on something else entirely. He knows that everyone and everything will be knocked over if he just stands by and watch. "I believe they are sorting things out."
Charlie doesn't stop. She hears what Billy has said but she refuses to back down. She starts walking towards the gate that leads into the field and in time, she reaches the group like a parent who is overinvested in their kid's future college scholarship. "It wasn't even close to the strike zone. I mean if you're in a hurry and going to give out strikes even they are not even strikes, then why are you here?"
Blake, with the baseball bat in his hand and helmet on his head, leaps cheerfully to Charlie's side and pulls the hem of Charlie's white t-shirt to get her attention. "It's alright, Charlie."
"Go sit with your team at the dugout, buddy." Charlie switches back to be such a gentle and adoring sister when she talks to Blake. She makes sure he wears his helmet properly and pats his shoulder to let him know that his words are heard and not ignored. "Drink some juice mom got for you."
"The ball was not in the strike zone..." The umpire starts.
"No, it was not." Charlie quickly hands her soft side to Blake and has him carry it away as she is about to start the fight that is not even hers. "So you're not blind."
The umpire sighs and turns to Charlie. "Charlotte, you need to calm down or I'll ask you to leave the field."
"It was his first at-bat. He'll get another chance." The opposing-team coach says casually with his arms crossed. "I mean he said himself that it is fine."
"He is just a kid. He doesn't know what he—" Charlie is about to yell out of frustration that is building by what she sees as a bunch of idiots when her arm is pulled; not hard enough to cause her pain but powerful enough to get her to fly along. It is her mom.
"Breathe." Patricia gets herself in front of Charlie as she places both hands on her daughter's shoulders; to save her from the thing she is about to say and to keep her from joining the group again. "Go take a walk. Come back when you realize how unnecessary this is."
"Mom." Charlie whines. "Blake's batting average will drop."
"I don't think Blake cares." Patricia throws the truth right at her daughter with her eyes fixing on hers so that her message is properly heard. Then, she looks over Charlie's shoulder and hopes that her bad decision will at least get Charlie to see how absurd she is. "Nicole, can you please walk with Charlie for a bit?"
Nicole doesn't respond right away. She waits to see the direction and the speed of the wind that Charlie is forming over her head. She knows how destructive it can be and she doesn't want to be the victim of this. However, she doesn't want Blake to be the innocent victim either. "Sure, Mrs. Hale."
"Billy will take care of this." Patricia ensures Charlie of the matter she has been trying to resolve. "Go."
Charlie sighs and unwillingly turns around towards the gate where Nicole stands by to fulfill her new assignment. Charlie doesn't pause or slow down her steps once she passes Nicole at the gate. She doesn't even glance at her or wait to see if Nicole traces her trail.
Charlie starts lighting a cigarette when they get to the parking lots that is filled with no one before stopping her steps by Nicole's car. Nicole's eyes catch the sight of the white smoke that is blown out by the girl who is still hiding her green eyes from her. Over the moon used to be one among many that can describe the feeling of being together but now, the moon looks so dim and feels so blue. Now, everything they shared feels like some sort of a fever dream and they wake up to a bad cold that refuses to go away; no matter how they try to treat it. It is bothering and suffering.
"Are you mad at me?" Nicole asks whispery to hide the crack in her voice and to fight the lump in her throat. She has never asked her this but with the constant madness Charlie has pulled in her presence, she has to.
Charlie finally turns around to enter the chat she has been trying to avoid. She takes her deep breath and takes the smoke deep in her lungs before landing her sight on the girl who kept her sane. "I'm... I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad at you?"
"I don't know." Nicole crosses her arms on her casual buttoned-down shirt that is tucked into her jeans. They had plans for the summer. They should be having fun together but now they are just having a battle royal with one another. "You just seem so mad."
"It's just that... the umpire is blind –"
"We both know it's not about that." Nicole tries to keep her voice down low so that Charlie wouldn't turn hers up.
"So..." Charlie rests her hand on the trunk of Nicole's car while letting another lead cigarette between her fingers to her lips. "... basically, we both know it's about your so-amazing-new boyfriend who you've made it very clear that he is a lot better than me."
"He is not my boyfriend." Nicole argues quietly although Charlie has triggered the right spot for her to be offended. "And I've never said he is better than you. I would never compare you to anyone."
"Then, why do you keep rubbing it on my face? I get it. You've moved on. Jesus, Nicole, have mercy on me. I'm already feeling like I'm dying. I don't need you to constantly stab me with whatever you want to do with him."
"I..." Nicole starts and then pauses. She doesn't pause because Charlie's words hurt her. She pauses and lets her eyes wander the ground in attempt to seek the reason why Charlie gets that perception. She thought that keeping Charlie in the loop would lessen the tension between them or give Charlie the opportunity to avoid them if their paths would cross. She is dead wrong and her well intention has been killing Charlie slowly but surely. "I'm not rubbing it on your face. I just thought--"
"You don't need my permission to go on a date with a guy or take him to a picnic." Charlie starts to breathe a bit faster as her heart seems to be in a rush that she can feel it through her skin. It is uncomfortable enough for her to throw her cigarette away and step on it to kill the light. She clears her throat and hopes the strange feeling in her chest will fade away. "I don't care what you do. I don't have a reason to and I don't want a reason to."
"Okay." Nicole nods slowly. That's all she can do after being shot by the word that cuts through her skin and leaves more pain than a papercut. "Alright. I'm sorry."
Nicole takes her quick steps past Charlie to get to the driver side of her car and as she passes her by, she can feel it; that coldness from Charlie that makes the summer sun find defeat. There is nothing more between them and somehow, it hurts more and more each day without any ends. Nicole gets into the car. She takes a quick second to chase out the misery and wipe the mysterious tears that make their escape. Through the side-view mirror, she can see how Charlie is still grounded to the ground. She steals a quick glance before taking her slow steps away from her car. This is worse. This is worse than the day they broke up.
"I will have to apologize, right?" Charlie mumbles as she has her both hands on a pint of Irish beer on the bar counter. This is a bar in New Haven she has taken no time to be a regular after starting a new job in town. It is an Irish bar that feels and smells like the one she loves so much in New York city. The wooden counter and stools are mostly occupied but not the ones next to her. The TV is playing some soccer game but no one pays attention to. The food and drinks are being served restlessly. And Charlie is practically talking to herself when the one she has shot the question at is busy pouring drinks at another side of the bar.
"What?" Sophia finally takes her attention to the one whom she has become such a good friend with. They don't really hang out elsewhere but the amount of time they have spent together at this family-owned bar is grand enough for their friendship to form. "Are you talking about that girl named Nicole again?"
"No." Charlie lies without trying to cover it.
"She has been the only thing you talk about since we met. I've never met her but I could easily point her out from the crowds, Charlie." Sophia takes her spot across from Charlie and rests her both hands on the counter to mark her territory. She is not a tall girl but her strength and her independence are high enough to compensate everything. She pours herself a glass of juice that will refresh her tiring self in the busy night like this. "If she can move on, so can you. I don't understand why you make it seem so impossible. Just sleep with someone already."
"I don't do hookups." Charlie announces her stance and shakes her head; hoping it will help emphasize her denial of the suggestion and hoping it will help scare off her regret of the things she said to Nicole.
"Well, guess what? You're in a bar on Saturday night. You do now." Sophia turns around to the beer tap before getting back to Charlie with two pints of Guinness. Charlie looks at the pints that land before her with furrowed brows and foggy mind. The amount of alcohol that is swimming in her veins has surpassed the level where she can comprehend things easily. Still, her hands find both pints as if they are her most beloved belongings. "Take these and your weird sad vibe to that booth over there."
Charlie looks over her shoulder to where Sophia shoots her sight at. A booth behind her is occupied by a girl and her bottle of Bud Light. She is alone and seems to mind only her own business.
"She seems as miserable as you are. So go introduce yourself. Combine your miseries together and sleep with her." Sophia wipes the fresh old cloth on the bar counter in front of Charlie as she explains. "And brag it to Nicole or whatever."
"There is a chance in the hookups that you will randomly run into each other after and be... so awkward. I don't do good with awkwardness."
"You've seen her before?" Sophia gestures towards the girl at the booth who doesn't seem to notice that she has become a topic of their discussion. "The chance is as slim as my patience of constantly having to listen to you babbling about this Nicole person. Don't just sit around and wait for her to come back. If she was going to, she would be already."
Charlie steals a quick glance over her shoulder and turns back to the owner. "Do I have to pay for these?"
"If you come back and talk about Nicole again, then yes. But if you go over there and talk to her and have a great time like you're supposed to, then no."
Charlie shrugs before getting up on her feet. She doesn't mind having a conversation with a total stranger. She doesn't mind wasting her night with the meaningless conversation. The sex part is what she isn't exactly sure of. The angel on her left shoulder keeps talking her out of it while the devil on her right smirks with all the reasons why she should.
Sophia watches Charlie sloppily find her ground before extending her hand out. "Give me your key."
Charlie complies almost instantly. She digs her car key from her denim shorts and hands it over without kicking or screaming. Then, she goes. With pints of beer in her hands, she carefully sets out her excursion to the destination where the dark hair girl claims as her own. "Hello."
The dark hair girl looks up from her blue-labeled bottle of beer and fixes her green eyes on the unannounced visitor. She is hesitated. "Hi."
"This is... a complimentary from Sophia... the owner over there." Charlie places one of the pints down next to her bottle. "She also banished me here. So would you mind if I sit here?"
"I'm sorry. What?" The dark hair girl chuckles nervously and politely; enough to make sure that she will not come out too aggressive to this girl in a ball cap who seems very much like a harmless one. Then, she pokes around Charlie to the bar counter where Sophia pretends to wipe the counter while her eyes sneak the sight of the two. "Hmm. I guess."
Charlie smiles as she slides into the booth across from the dark hair girl. "What is your name?"
"Emilia. With the E." Emilia strokes her shoulder-length hair back casually and exposes the confusion that is still lingering on the wrinkle between her eyebrows. "Yours?"
"Charlie... with the C." It is not Charlie's intention but somehow the cunning smile of hers makes an appearance along with the mockery she has made.
Emilia can't help but secretly shine her smile along with the dimples that fail to catch Charlie's attention. It is practically nothing more than a conversation starter but it is something she has yet to hear from others. "Is that from Charlotte?"
Charlie raises her eyebrows while sipping the free beer that she is more than willing to pay for. "That is from Charlotte. Yes."
"You're a regular?" Emilia pushes her empty bottle to the side and holds her new pint of beer with two hands as if it is her morning coffee and it could keep her soul warmer after the blizzard she has encountered. "Since you know the owner and everything."
Charlie turns to the bar counter where Sophia is no longer looking at them and the stool she sat on is now taken by a half of a couple who seems to enjoy their date night. "You can say that."
Emilia nods and keeps her eyes on the beer in front of her. She doesn't even try to read Charlie's intention or try to read Charlie at all. It doesn't really matter to her as she believes whatever this is, it will last just as long as the neon lights on the ceiling of this bar. "It's a great bar."
"It is." Charlie leans back to rest her tiring back while her eyes are on the girl in front of her. She quietly observes her; from her hair to her eyes and from her furrowed brows to her smile. That's when Charlie notices the dimples on her cheeks. She notices them as she gets the polite smile from her to kill the awkwardness that is about to swallow them in silence. "Why are you here... alone on this wonderful colorful Saturday night?"
Emilia tilts her head and responds with the equally cunning smile that it almost feels like she is mocking her. "Why are you here... alone on this wonderful colorful Saturday night?"
Charlie chuckles and leans in to make the table her arms rest. She didn't think much of it at first but now she is intrigued of all the thing Emilia has to say. "To meet someone like you, I suppose."
Emilia smiles along with the chuckle at the cheesy line from Charlie. "Is that the best you can do?"
"That is not working?" Charlie watches Emilia take a second to taste the beer in her mouth as she tucks one side of her hair behind her ear; showing off her piercings.
Emilia looks at Charlie who also looks at her so attentively as if she is about to tell her all the answers to the secret of the universe. She whispers. "No."
"Aw." Charlie exclaims playfully and acts so disappointed. "Too bad."
"Why did the owner send you here anyway?" Emilia asks bluntly as she gestures towards Sophia who occasionally casts her eyes towards the pair; just to check on Charlie. "Is she playing a matchmaker?"
"What? No." Charlie says with incredibly low voice that makes her denial sound even more suspicious. Then, she holds up her hand when the bowl of nuts is pushed across the table. "No, thanks. I don't eat them."
Emilia immediately feels so alarmed by the statement. Her eyes go wide as if she has just handed the stranger a deadly poison before covering the small bowl with her hand. "Are you allergic?"
"I'm not. I'm just not a big fan of the taste." Charlie explains and finds herself enjoy being in this meaningless conversation.
"You miss out the crunchiness then." Emilia throws one in her mouth. "Pine nuts go very well with meatballs."
"Pine nuts and meatballs?" Charlie is already grossed out by the picture of the dish she has on her mind. She tries to hide her disgusted expression behind her sip of beer but that doesn't seem to get away from Emilia's sight. "Some chefs out there are crying."
"Don't judge it if you haven't tried it." Emilia wipes her hands together and smiles politely at the girl. "Anyway, about that... I'm not interested."
"Oh." Charlie immediately feels like she has just troubled Emilia so terribly that she can't get up and leave fast enough. "I'm... I can leave."
"I don't mind your company though." Emilia reaches out to touch Charlie's hand before she slides out of the booth with that pint of beer that is half finished. "I mean I just want to make it clear that... if you expect more than that, I'm not really up for it."
"More than that?" Charlie tilts her head and puts on her sneaky smile. "What could possibly be more than this?"
Emilia narrows her eyes and for the first time, she tries to read between the lines Charlie has left unsaid. "How drunk are you?"
"How drunk are you?" Charlie plays Emilia's game and suddenly, her mind stays focus on one place and that is not someone else; it is this someone in front of her.
"Not enough."
"Fortunately, we're in the right place."
Charlie turns out to be a terrific distraction Emilia doesn't know she needs. She has appeared, a little dipsy, out of the blue and said all the things that should and shouldn't be said. She doesn't even try to be cool or try to impress her with anything. She is just there with her smile that looks a bit too cunning and her distance that feels a bit too comfortable. They talk about everything and nothing excluding anything too personal until the music from the classic-looking jukebox is the only noise in the background. Sophia has to walk up to the pair to let them know that they are closing and offers to get them a cab. That's when Emilia reveals something a little bit too personal. She mentions that she lives around here; not close enough for a non-sweating walk but still. Charlie immediately offers to walk her and Emilia immediately accepts the offer.
They keep distance while they walk. Charlie looks at her feet and glances over at Emilia's to try her very best not to outpace her. Emilia looks at Charlie's head that bends down to her feet and finally notices that Charlie's ears get all blushed by the amount of alcohol she has consumed; which is from her opinion, it is a little too much. It takes them 15 minutes to the apartment building on the two-lane road. Charlie pauses her steps when Emilia does and looks up to the 9-story building.
"This is me." Emilia says to get Charlie's attention back from admiring the red-brick building that possesses nothing special or unique.
"Well..." Charlie pulls her hand out of her denim shorts and extends it Emilia's way. "Nice to meet you, Emilia with the E."
"You too, Charlie with the C." Emilia shakes that hand and as soon as her hand touches Charlie's, a thought runs into her mind. It is the kind of thought that might need a moment to think it through but Emilia doesn't have that much time. Besides, Charlie is already too drunk to remember anything when she wakes up and Emilia is already too bumped to regret this in the morning. So, she pulls. She pulls Charlie in and gets her close enough for her lips to touch hers. Then, she pulls away. "Is this alright?"
Charlie purses her lips to get a better taste of what has touched them and lets herself fly into the unknown. She looks at Emilia who covers her hesitance under her green eyes that shine a bit too dim. "I mean... if you expect more than this... more than a kiss."
"Yes?"
"I'm really up for it."
"But it'll not go further than this."
"Sure." Charlie's finger already hooks on Emilia's belt loop as she leans in.
"We'll not meet again and we'll forget all about this in the morning."
"I don't even live around here."
"So we're on the same page."
"Yes." Charlie presses her lips on Emilia's and feels the grip on her t-shirt that grants her no permission to pull out or away. Maybe Sophia is right. Maybe this is something she wants in order to feel something more than what Nicole has left her. Maybe this is the firework in the rain that feasts her eyes and brightens her soul. Maybe this will cleanse everything.