Lisa spends ninety percent of the following day shifting uncomfortably in her seat for a multitude of reasons.
Most of them are Jennie.
She'd always wondered, growing up, if people felt different after. She wondered if the people around her would know what had happened. She realizes now that the only differences she feels are held within herself. She's the only person here who knows what happened last night on a boring Wednesday evening. She's the only person here who knows what happened this morning. A blush covers her cheeks as she realizes that she'd happily shout it from the rooftops because the only difference is the giddy happiness that she feels. The only physical marker that anything has changed is the ridiculous satisfaction that oozes through her body, and the fact that everything from her eyebrows downward hurts in one way or another.
She doesn't think she's ever walked more awkwardly.
"So I just shared the most uncomfortable silence with our neighbors," Jennie says when she finds her in the library that lunchtime. "They totally know."
Lisa lets her silent pride radiate through her body as she goes through her school notes. "We weren't exactly quiet, Jennie."
Jennie's half-smirk and sudden lapse into silence is everything. Lisa watches as her eyes glaze over before she snaps out of her reverie and swallows thickly.
"Rosie and Jisoo totally guessed, too."
"Jennie, you're wearing a winter scarf inside."
"And whose fault is that?" she says, tugging the fabric away from her neck to reveal the purple bruises that paint Jennie's neck.
Lisa smirks at her across the table and gathers her things back into her bag. Jennie gets up when she gets up and it feels so ridiculously domestic that Jennie reaches for her hand and starts walking with her towards her next class.
"There's a party tonight," Jennie whispers as they slow to a stop outside the classroom. Lisa instinctively pulls Jennie until their bellies press. "D'you want to go? Your class finishes at four, right?"
Lisa breathes unsteadily at the way sure arms fit around her waist and hold her close.
"And yours at six?" Jennie nods and Lisa swallows because, now that she's this close, Lisa can smell her.
She can smell her and feel her and those things remind her of how Jennie tastes and moves and it's a little overwhelming. She feels her entire body become sluggish with it.
"We could go to the party," Lisa whispers coyly, fingers tugging at the buttons of another of her button downs that Jennie stole that morning. Lisa glances up at her over the top of her glasses and smirks at the sudden, knowing change in Jennie's expression. "Or we could not go."
Jennie swallows and the corners of her mouth quirk up. A hand finds Lisa's hip and disappears beneath her sweater and the button down underneath. She tugs imperceptibly and Lisa wraps her other arm around Jennie's shoulders to bring her closer. She's sure that everyone is watching, but it's like nobody else exists. She doesn't care about anything other than the way that Jennie's eyes are dark and hazy, that she licks her lips and struggles. Lisa loves the effect she has on her. She innocently lets their foreheads rest together and allows her brow to raise in question.
"Fuck the party," Jennie growls out under her breath. "Let's make our neighbors hate us some more."
Lisa giggles and leans in to kiss her without thinking. It's innocent and slow and maybe inappropriate considering the amount of people that are congregated around them. Jennie doesn't seem to care and pulls away with a sigh that has Lisa remembering how carefully she'd found Jennie watching her sleep that morning.
"Love you," she whispers against her lips.
Jennie still looks surprised but mumbles it back anyway. She almost doesn't let Lisa let go when the last class starts filtering out of the classroom.
She doesn't move until Lisa's safely inside.
//
They don't actually have sex.
Jennie comes back to their room at six-fifteen to find Lisa wrapped in comfy pajamas, clutching her tummy and pouting. She knows exactly what's wrong and she coos out an "oh, baby" before collapsing onto the bed and wrapping her up tight.
Lisa looks weirdly shocked at the affection and falters in her arms before sinking into them happily. She whimpers against Jennie's throat, apologizing for things she can't control, and complaining about hating being a woman. Jennie just falls more in love with her. She pushes Lisa's hair from her eyes, kisses her forehead, and sighs hopelessly.
It takes Lisa a long time to release Jennie long enough that she can get changed and settle in behind her. She offers to warm her up leftover pizza first but Lisa shakes her head and burrows down into the soft nest she's built herself with every blanket and pillow in the room. Jennie puts on her favorite TV show, rubs her belly until it stops hurting, and nuzzles her neck.
Lisa falls asleep early and Jennie gets another overwhelming rush of love at the sight of her. She's never wanted to do this for anyone else. She's never wanted to be this close to anyone. She's never felt this way about anyone, and the rush of emotion she gets doesn't make sense until she wakes up in the middle of the night with a familiar sensation and an ache in her hips.
Lisa turns to her in confusion when she crawls back into bed after going to the bathroom. Jennie kisses her cheek and huffs into the back of her neck.
"You okay?" Lisa mumbles sleepily, grabbing Jennie's hand and pulling it around her waist.
Jennie shakes her head and sighs. "We've synced up," is all she says.
Lisa turns in her arms and clicks her tongue sympathetically. Their limbs tangle around each other and Jennie loves the comfort of Lisa's hand pressing against her tummy. It's so familiar and delicate and she never even knew she needed it.
"Baby," Lisa hums against her ear.
Jennie chokes back the need to cry and buries herself deeper into Lisa's warm body.
//
They're sprawled over Lisa's bed doing homework when Jennie asks her what her Spring Break plans are.
Lisa looks up from her class reading only to glance pointedly back down at it again until Jennie understands. She gives a roll of her eyes and before Lisa can do anything about it, Jennie's grabbing a wad of papers from her backpack and presenting her with a packet of information and an airline flight reservation.
The sight of it makes Lisa start to panic. She tried to argue with her but Jennie pretty much pins her flailing limbs to the bed and tells her they're going to Texas whether she likes it or not. She explains how Rosie and Sehun have family who own a beach house in South Padre Island and that everyone's going.
Lisa feels like she's intruding until Rosie corners her in the library one day to make sure she's coming.
Lisa does a lot of research and knows that she's in for a week of parties and alcohol. It makes her weirdly anxious but not so much when she remembers that Jennie will be there.
Jennie "helps her pack" by removing half the pants in her suitcase. She drags Lisa into Boston after school one afternoon and takes her to Macy's so that she can buy a bathing suit. She looks really disappointed when Lisa picks up the boring one-piece and pouts until Lisa looks at the bikinis. Lisa still buys a cute one piece but Jennie buys more bikinis than necessary. Lisa doesn't realize what she's done until she packs them inside Lisa's suitcase instead of her own.
She forgets to mention to Jennie that she's never been on a plane before until they're at the airport.
Everyone is here, ready to fly down together and Lisa takes Jennie's hand and squeezes it tight. Her feet tap nervously against the floor and she eyes the environment around her. Jennie already has her sunglasses on and she pushes them atop her head when she sees the discomfort on Lisa's face.
"You've never been on a plane before," she states without Lisa having to tell her. Lisa gives her an anxious look but Jennie kisses her cheeks and mumbles soothing words to her until they board. Lisa argues that she doesn't want the window seat but Jennie makes her. She strokes the back of her knuckles and Lisa's anxious right up until they lift off the earth. It's amazing and Lisa only breaks out of her wondered daze when she hears Jennie giggling beside her. Her blue eyes are glassy when Lisa looks at her. She frowns in confusion until Jennie grabs her cheeks and kisses her messily. "Your face," she whispers in explanation. "Just, your face. You look so happy."
Texas is hotter than she ever knew anywhere could be and she's glad for the airport air conditioning. Jennie looks at her knowingly when she starts tugging on the fabric of her too-thick jeans as they make the drive to the Park family's house. It's huge and they waste no time getting ready to head to the beach. Jennie drags Lisa to a bedroom at the top of the house and strips her of her clothes before Lisa can argue. She comes quietly three times before Jennie climbs off of her and searches through their suitcases. She tosses one of the bikinis at Lisa and Lisa doesn't argue. She puts it on before pulling a button down on over the top of it.
The boys and Jisoo all whistle when they see her and Lisa rolls her eyes while Jennie puts a protective arm around her. Their walk to the beach is short but Lisa notices how many college students there are around them as they make their way there.
The beach is sure to be a huge party as soon as the sun sets and Lisa enjoys the feel of the warm sand on her feet. Sehun sets everyone up underneath a huge umbrella and hands them each a beer. There's music playing everywhere, different songs merging into one, and Jennie tugs her down onto a towel so that they can lie side by side while the boys run into the water. Jennie smothers her in sunscreen and they lay on their fronts next to each other until Rosie tells them that it's time to party.
The entire stretch of the beach turns into a huge party and Jennie keeps a protective arm around her at all times, especially when random guys start talking to her. Jennie drunkenly shuts them all down as Lisa looks on appreciatively. She takes every drink that Jennie offers her and they end up stumbling back to the house before the others to have sex in Rosie's uncle's pool. They're caught by Jung kook and Rosie (who look like they were coming to do the same thing) and disappear upstairs giggling.
They wake up late and have brunch before heading back down to the beach to repeat their actions all over again. It's more fun than Lisa was prepared for, especially when Jennie is unable to keep her hands off of her. She actually feels like part of the group, like she actually has friends, and it's not until Irene calls her on their fifth day that she notices. It's also her first dose of reality in too long.
"Hey do you want to meet up in the city tomorrow?" Irene asks expectantly and Lisa suddenly feels guilty for not telling the closest thing to a sister she has that she was travelling across the country. Her stomach fills with discomfort and worry and she steadies herself before she answers.
"Um," she says glancing down at Jennie lazily napping on her chest while the others play volleyball. "I'm in Texas."
Irene's quiet on the other end of the line for a long time. When she speaks, her voice sounds strange. "As in Texas-Texas?"
Lisa busies herself stroking Jennie's hair back from her neck so she can trace lazy patterns there. "I came with my roommate and her friends."
Irene doesn't say anything in what feels like forever. The line is quiet for a long time before she gives a soft little chuckle and sighs. Lisa hears the disappointment clearer than she hears anything else. "Well have fun, Kid."
She hangs up a few moments later and Lisa toys with the clasp of the necklace around Jennie's neck for a few moments before she hears someone laugh beside her. She turns to find Jisoo sitting across from her. She still makes her feel weirdly nervous and anxious and Lisa steels herself for whatever's coming.
"We're your friends, too," Jisoo says after a few moments. Lisa's mouth drops open to explain when she realizes what Jisoo's talking about. She hushes when Jisoo holds up at hand and points down at the girl lying on her chest. "And she most definitely is not just your roommate."
The words leave Lisa feeling odd for the rest of their trip and it isn't until the night before their flight back to school that she says anything. Jennie leads her down to the now-quiet beach and kisses her in the dark. They lie on a towel in sand with a blanket thrown over them and stare up at the stars. Jennie tells Lisa about constellations she could never see growing up in New York. She tells her ridiculous stories and Lisa can't help the words that drive helplessly up her throat.
"What are we?" she asks abruptly and Jennie looks at her in shocked confusion.
Her eyebrow raises and she lets out a laugh before propping herself up on an elbow and looking down at her.
"My friends have referred to you as my girlfriend for a week straight and now you want to know what we are?" she asks around a fond smile.
Lisa's cheeks burn and she's happy when Jennie leans down to kiss them softly.
"Girlfriend can mean anything," Lisa grumps out uselessly as Jennie starts laughing again.
She lowers herself and tugs Lisa until they're on their sides facing each other. Their hands find each other between their bodies and Jennie sweeps back sweaty curls from Lisa's face with gentle fingers. She kisses her slowly and purposely until Lisa thinks she can feel every atom of her being.
"You're my girlfriend," Jennie whispers softly. "But you're also more than that. You're so much more than that, you know? It's hard to explain but for the sake of other people, you're my girlfriend. Is that okay?"
Lisa nods and curls into her. She kisses her gently and loves the way that Jennie's hands feel. She loves the way that Jennie's nose strokes against hers and the way that their hands clasp together between the beating of their hearts. Jennie is so much more than her girlfriend, too. There aren't words for the way that Jennie makes her feel but she's pretty sure that with each kiss she comes closer to being able to explain.
"I wish we could stay here forever," she whispers unexpectedly. "Just you and me."
Jennie's eyes flash with something and Lisa moves in closer until their foreheads press together. She closes her eyes and an arm wraps around her waist. Jennie holds her so tightly that, for a moment, Lisa thinks they might transform into one person.
Jung kook finds them there sleeping early the next morning.
They almost miss their flight.
//
"Have you asked her yet?" her mom asks on a phone call between classes one day.
Jennie really doesn't have the time for this.
"No, mom," she sighs impatiently, looking for one of her books. "I haven't. And I won't. She's probably going to have her own plans."
Her mom hums in amusement. "Doesn't mean that she won't want to change those plans to be with you."
Her mom is probably right but that doesn't mean that Jennie's willing to ask her. She still wants Lisa to make her own decisions and choices. She wants her to still be able to do the things that she wants to do. Just because they're together doesn't mean that they become one entity.
"I don't want to pressure her," she says and her mother sounds unamused and annoyed. "She'll have her own plans, I'm sure of it."
"I want to meet her."
Jennie laughs. "You've already met her. You loved her. You called her the sweetest thing ever."
"That was before I knew that you were in love with her."
It sounds so much more serious coming from her mother's mouth and it makes her ache in this weird way that she doesn't understand. She knows it's serious but now that her mom's said it out loud, she feels strange. She feels overwhelmed. She knows that Lisa would too, because Jennie can tell that the idea of families scares her. She knows that the thought of going to the Park family's beach house scared the crap out of her. Lisa doesn't let Jennie hear when she's on the phone to Irene. She knows that Lisa becomes weird every time she hears Jennie talking to her mom on the phone.
Lisa gets this weird, faraway look sometimes that Jennie doesn't know how to read. She's stopped taking her mother's calls when Lisa's in the room and it's not something she knows how to talk about with her. She doesn't know how to tell Lisa that families aren't scary because they are. They're probably one of the scariest things in the world. Jennie's family fucked her up a long time ago.
The only feelings Lisa has left behind from her family are ones of abandonment. Lisa has Irene but Jennie doesn't understand their relationship. She knows that Lisa respects and cares for Irene but something about them seems strained. Lisa looks concerned every time Irene's name comes up on her Caller ID.
Jennie knows it all unsettles her and that's why she knows she'll never do what her mother is asking of her.
She wants Jennie to invite Lisa back to California for the summer but how does Jennie convince her to willingly involve herself in something that will make her feel so unsafe?
"Mom..." she sighs and she scratches her forehead. "I can't do that. I just can't, okay?"
Her mother sighs and agrees.
It doesn't stop Jennie from wanting it more than anything else.
//
"You have a girlfriend?" Irene asks incredulously like such a thing could never happen.
Lisa's been avoiding this conversation since they got back from Texas. It's been weeks but she still wishes she'd managed to last longer. She's still not ready.
She ignores Irene's tone. "Her name is Jennie."
"The roommate?" Irene shuffles around at the other end of the line. "You're gonna have to tell me how that happened."
Lisa swallows thickly and scrubs a hand over her face. "It just kind of did."
Irene hums and Lisa wishes she could tell her how Jennie Kim walked into her Minorities in Cinema class one day and turned her world completely upside down without Lisa even knowing it. She wishes she could tell her how Jennie wouldn't stop talking as much as Lisa ignored her. She wishes she could tell Irene—the only person she knows who would truly understand—that she knew in an instant that Jennie was different. Blue eyes looked at Lisa and that was it. Jennie was different and her soul knew it. It terrified her and she heard all the things Irene told her growing up inside her head and knew that she couldn't let it happen. She knew what Jennie would do, so she scared her away instead.
"So, it's not serious?" Irene asks, and words catch in Lisa's throat.
Because as much as she knows that Irene won't understand, she also knows that Irene would think she's crazy because people like Jennie don't exist. People like Jennie are something that kids like them were taught to believe in to make the dark days better. People like Jennie are what lifers like Lisa and Irene soon learned were nothing but fairy tales to keep them from losing hope.
Except they do exist and Lisa has no idea how insane she'd sound trying to explain that to Irene.
Irene is nearly thirty and she still lives the same lonely existence that Lisa had always assumed she'd have herself. Irene got herself a good job and a nice apartment and she didn't depend on anyone to get it. Irene wanted Lisa to do the same, told her that she was risking everything by going to college. She regurgitated the same things that the social workers had done and told her that what Lisa wanted was a pipe dream. Lisa had tried anyway. She'd proved them all wrong, but she'd almost lost Irene in the process. But she knows that Irene loves her, that she's looking out for her because she wants her to stay safe and to depend on nobody but herself because that's how they survive.
Irene will remind her that the way she feels about Jennie threatens everything.
"No, it's not serious," she utters instead of telling the truth. It kills her and Irene moves the conversation onto other things that Lisa can barely concentrate on.
She still feels unsettled by it when she gets back from class and Jennie finds her, sprawled out on her bed. She curls around Lisa's body and kisses her like she's been doing it every day of her existence. She kisses her like she wants to do it every day of the future. It leaves Lisa breathless and, as Jennie starts stripping the clothes from their bodies, she wishes she had the words for this.
She wishes she could explain Jennie.
//
"So I'm thinking maybe we go to Portland," Rosie says, slipping into the seat across from her in the library. Jennie looks up from her notes to frown. "This summer. Last year we went to Nawlins' and this year we should go laugh at all the hipsters. What do you think?"
Jennie shakes her head noncommittally and looks down at her notebook.
"C'mon, Kim," Rosie says before she audibly rolls her eyes. "Lemme guess. You've gotta ask the girlfriend."
Jennie looks up and frowns. "I don't, actually," she says softly. "I don't know what Lisa's plans for the summer are yet, but Marcus has a friend who owns a gallery back home who's running art classes for kids. He's asked me if I want to help out."
Rosie gives her a look and settles back into her chair. Jennie averts her gaze back down to her notebook when Rosie's glare starts making her feel uncomfortable.
"Jennie, we've literally got like three weeks left of semester," she states in disbelief.
Jennie looks up at her and nods. "Yep."
"Three weeks and you haven't talked to Lisa about what you're both going to be doing this summer?" Rosie says softly. "You've made no plans to how you're going to see each other and spend time together?"
"Do I need to?"
Rosie laughs. "Jennie, Jung kook and I have had our summer plans pretty much set in stone since January when he got his internship. Are you really just going to wave goodbye to Lisa on the last day of semester and wing it?"
Jennie shifts uncomfortably in her chair and opens her mouth to speak before shaking her head.
"Lisa has no plans," Rosie reminds her. "She was telling us last weekend how she wishes she could afford to travel or something." Rosie leans forward and tries to catch her gaze. "Has this got something to do with your mom? Are things with her bad again?" she asks. "Does Lisa not want to meet her? Or is it your dad or—"
Jennie looks up at her in annoyance and shakes her head. "Rosie. Leave it alone."
"Jennie."
She shakes her head and feels the same panic she gets when she speaks to her mom rising up her chest. "Leave it alone. It's fine."
Rosie stares at her for a long while before scoffing and walking away.
Once she's gone, Jennie buries her face in her hands.
She doesn't know what to do.
//
The closer the end of semester gets, the clearer it becomes what Lisa's waiting for.
Irene calls her every other day asking her if she knows what her summer plans are and if she needs picking up but Lisa tells her she doesn't know every single time. She's pretty sure that Irene's getting annoyed but she doesn't care. She just needs to wait a little longer before she makes her choice.
She only has eighteen days left.
She loves how being preoccupied with thoughts of Jennie somehow makes her more focused on schoolwork. She feels like she could kick the asses of all her finals with her eyes closed. She's pretty sure that all the people around her know that too because she works like a demon. She'll pretty much do anything to take her mind off the fact that her girlfriend hasn't talked to her about summer plans yet.
"Lisa," Jisoo says flopping down into the chair beside her in Lisa's quiet, secret corner of the Library. Rosie trails behind her and drops into the seat opposite. "Can you try and convince Jennie that coming to Portland with us for the weekend is a good idea?"
Lisa frowns. "This weekend?"
Jisoo looks at her like she's a dumbass. It's not unfamiliar and Lisa's becoming accustomed to the fondness in it. "No," she says. "The first weekend of summer, before Jennie heads back to Cali."
It's the first that Lisa's heard of Jennie heading back to California this summer and she tries not to let that show on her face as she attempts to find something to say. Rosie and Jisoo both study her carefully.
"You don't have plans with her that weekend, do you?" Jisoo asks when she just keeps staring at them.
It's Rosie that takes pity on her and states the obvious.
"You didn't know about California, did you?"
Lisa plasters on a smile as she quickly shakes her head. Her eyes start to water and her skin feels kind of prickly. She recaps her pen before leaning back in her chair and scrubbing her hands over her face.
"Parents stuff?" Jisoo frowns over to Rosie who gives an almost imperceptible nod.
"I think so," she whispers. She turns to Lisa when those words catch her attention. "Jennie was weird when I talked to her about it. She probably doesn't want you to meet her family when yours is probably all perfect and shit..."
Lisa does a double take. The words sink in her gut and laughs mirthlessly as a million things go through her head. "Did Jennie tell you that?"
Rosie frowns. "What?"
"That my family is perfect?"
Rosie's mouth drops open and she looks trapped for a second before shaking her head. "No, I just... I just assumed because..."
For the first time in her life, Lisa ignores the ache in her chest and pushes forward. Usually she'd shrug this moment off, tell Rosie to mind her own business, but Rosie is her friend. Jisoo is her friend. She thinks, one day, she'll be able to trust them and the first step to doing that is being honest.
"Rosie," she sighs as bravely as she can. Her eyes close and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "I don't have a family. I grew up in the system."
Jisoo's face falls and softens, while Rosie just looks shocked and guilty. Lisa's surprised when Rosie doesn't even leave a beat before she reaches over and squeezes her hand.
"I didn't—" she starts before her face sets in recognition and she lowers her tone. "Does Jennie know?" Lisa gives her a soft nod and before she knows it Rosie's on her feet and heading for the exit. "That dumbass!"
Lisa turns to Jisoo in confusion. "Was it something I said?"
Jisoo slumps back into her chair and folds her arms over themselves. She rolls her eyes and laughs and Lisa doesn't understand until Jisoo sighs.
"Your girlfriend's an overprotective dumbass," is all she has to say and Lisa's still not entirely sure what's going on.
She's quiet for a long time and it almost becomes uncomfortable until Lisa feels Jisoo kick the leg of her chair.
"You should talk about yourself more," she says shyly and shrugs. "It's nice."
Lisa grins.
//
"Tell me that you not asking Lisa to come home with you doesn't have anything to do with her not having a family," Rosie demands as she comes into Jennie's room like an angry elephant.
Jennie frowns at her words. "Who told you—"
"She did!" Rosie shouts. "Now tell me the truth!"
It takes her a while but soon Jennie grits her jaw and sighs reluctantly. The words she's been holding inside of herself for weeks break free and she hates every single one of them.
"People scare her," she explains. "Families scare her. They scare her and I don't want her to feel obligated to like... open herself up to a summer of discomfort because of me. She should be able to do what she wants to do."
Rosie stares at her for a really long time before she laughs right in her face. She laughs at her until her face falls and she slaps Jennie around the head.
"Dumbass!" she shouts and Jennie's too shocked to do anything other than cower. "You don't want to scare her but you're going abandon her?! Are you a fucking MORON?!"
"I'm not..." Jennie tries to argue.
"Dumbass!" Rosie shouts in her face. "You haven't even told her about California! Are you trying to scare her?! What the fuck possessed you to think that doing this was a better idea than just giving her a fucking choice, Kim?"
Jennie opens her mouth to argue but then frowns when she realizes that Rosie's right.
"But, by all means," Rosie scoffs. "Abandon the girl who has probably spent her whole life being left by everyone she knows. What do I know?"
She gives Jennie a swift flick to the forehead and moves towards the door.
"She loves you, Jennie," she says, softer now. "She loves you. Anyone can see that she loves you. And—honestly, Kim—she's way too good for a dumbass like you. She's totally smart and funny and could probably end up dating a lawyer or a senator or something but she wants you. You should probably make a conscious effort to not fuck it up. She's good for you."
Jennie smirks at her friend's words, and is about to mention how Rosie's standing up for the same person she used to believe was a know-it-all Robot, before she thinks better of it and nods instead.
"I know," she whispers.
Rosie rolls her eyes before smiling. "She's in the library."
Jennie bites her lip and reaches for her bag.
//
Irene calls her again shortly after Jisoo leaves to go find one of her "special friends".
Lisa knows that the only "special friend" Jisoo has is Sehun. It wasn't hard to figure out after spending enough time with them. She's pretty sure that both Rosie and Jennie know but there's no way she's opening up that can of worms. God knows what would happen.
"Any news on what your summer plans are yet?" Irene asks and she sounds rushed.
Lisa swallows and what Jisoo said still weighs heavy on her mind. She can't help but think that maybe she doesn't need to talk more about herself but more about everyone else. She needs to tell more people about her mom, and Irene, and the little brother she's desperate to meet. She needs to tell more people about Jennie. She needs to tell Jennie about Jennie and all about how she feels about her.
"I have no idea yet," she whispers.
Irene scoffs and lets out an annoyed laugh. "Lisa, I need to know if you're going to need picking up because I have work and schedules and—"
"I'm waiting to see if Jennie will invite me home with her," she admits quietly. Irene's words trail off and her apparent anger disappears over the line as Lisa's panic rises up instead. "I'm waiting to see if she wants me to meet her mom and just..."
Irene sighs. "Lisa, you said it isn't serious," she mumbles and Lisa can hear the disappointment. "What are you doing?"
Lisa tries to fight the usual shame and guilt she would normally feel at disappointing the only person who stuck around this long. She always reminds herself that Irene's been looking out for her longer than her own mother ever bothered to. She owes Irene a lot but she owes herself more. She owes herself a chance to actually become part of something. She owes herself a chance to see if she can actually forge something real.
Jennie's the most real thing she's ever had.
"I lied," she whispers softly and swallows. "It's serious. It's completely serious. It's the most serious thing I've ever had, Irene. She's—she's so damn beautiful and kind and—" The tears come quicker than she expected. "She's smart but she knows what she wants. She was a Biology major when I first met her but she changed to Art History because that's what she loves. She doodles on napkins and she draws landscapes on my back with her fingers when she thinks I'm sleeping. I can always feel her tracing out the shapes of trees."
When Lisa laughs, Irene sighs, and it forces her to power through.
"She has an Ansel Adams picture as her phone background and her camera roll is full of pictures of trees and—and of me while I'm sleeping..." Her voice is cracked and timid but she keeps going anyway. "She hates reading and documentaries and people being mad at her. She loves warm, milky coffee and ridiculously sugary sodas. And rum. She fucking loves rum and morning sex and cuddling."
"Lisa..."
Lisa closes her eyes and grits her jaw because she needs to get this out. "I'm pretty sure that she'd happily spend the rest of her life napping and eating pizza. She picks the weirdest toppings too. And she never wears pants unless she has to but—but—"
She scrubs her hands over her face and lets her feet anxious tap the floor.
"Irene, I love her," she explains at last. It feels good to tell someone who isn't the girl in question. "I'm absolutely in love with her and maybe you think that's naïve of me. Maybe you think that I'm being stupid but I will absolutely risk her making a fool out of me, just for the chance that she might just love me instead. And I think she will because I spent so long trying to scare her away and she just... nothing worked and she took care of me instead. And it's been... three months, Irene. It's been three months and she still kisses me awake every morning. And maybe one day she'll stop but I don't care. I really don't care. It hurts more to fight it and be lonely."
Irene is quiet for a long time before she lets out a sigh. Except it's soft and giving and she chuckles at the end.
"Lisa, I've been dating the same guy for three years," she admits softly.
Lisa almost falls off her chair in surprise. "What?"
Irene giggles. "I didn't know how to tell you," she whispers. "I spent so many years telling you to keep yourself safe and to trust no one... that love wasn't worth it. That it kills us. I didn't know how to tell you how wrong I was. I always get everything so wrong." She sighs. "I'm happy for you, Kid. I really am. And I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Lisa smiles. "Thanks."
"I have to go," she chuckles. "Call me soon?"
"Yeah," Lisa sighs and for the first time, she knows that she will.
Irene hangs up and Lisa can't stop the smile that works its way across her face. She smiles until something moves out the corner of her eye and she spins around to find messy blonde hair and familiar, glassy blue eyes looking back at her. Jennie looks at her so softly that Lisa knows right away that she probably heard more than Lisa ever wanted her to. She knows Jennie did when she doesn't say anything and just steps up behind her, tilting her head backwards until she can kiss her deeply.
"What else do I like?" she murmurs against Lisa's mouth.
Lisa sucks the taste of Jennie from her lips and sighs.
"Me," is all she can think to whisper.
Jennie gives her a wide, loving smile before she starts stroking Lisa's cheeks.
"No," she hums as she nudges their noses together. "I love you."
Lisa whispers the words back and Jennie moves closer when she tugs on her elbow. Lisa pulls her into her lap and Jennie's arms wrap around her shoulders to hold her tight.
"I know this might be a little late notice," she whispers as Lisa presses soft kisses against her cheeks. "But do you think you'd like to spend the summer with me in California?"
She looks nervous and Lisa keeps kissing her face as she talks.
"I'm going to teach kids how to paint but we could also spend some time on the beach and like, you can read books and stuff." She tangles her hand in Lisa's hair and Lisa smiles that she's using books as a way to convince her. She wishes Jennie knew that she doesn't need any convincing at all but she lets her speak anyway. "I could show you what proper Mexican food tastes like, and you can meet my mom for real. Maybe—maybe visit my dad with me, too. I could tell you all about him."
Lisa drags her in for a messy kiss that she struggles to keep going because she's smiling too much. Jennie pulls back and giggles at her, thumb sweeping over her bottom lip and the shape of grin. She looks at Lisa expectantly and, when Lisa nods, she just giggles harder.
"Yeah?"
Lisa nods and bites her lip. "Yeah. Yeah, Jennie."
"You're sure? You don't have to—"
Lisa's hand finds the back of her neck and she hushes her with a long, deep kiss. Jennie looks dazed and beautiful when they pull back. She clutches at Lisa's shirt and her shoulders and smiles softly when Lisa pushes the hair from her eyes.
"I want to be where you are," Lisa tells her. "Always."
Jennie traces the outline of the tattoo at the back of her neck.
"Me too," she whispers. "Me too."
//
They've been in Venice Beach for a week and a half when Lisa wakes her up in the middle of the night and takes her by the hand.
Jennie still feels shaky because that morning they'd visited her father's grave. Lisa had held her hand the entire time but Jennie had been on the edge of sobbing since she'd made Jennie stop at a florist so she could buy a bunch of white peonies. She'd waited for Jennie to give her the okay before she'd laid them on the ground and that's all it had taken before Jennie was sobbing. She'd sat on the ground before him and Lisa had wrapped her arms and her legs around her as she listened to Jennie talk about her dad and her mom and all the shit that had happened after.
She'd told Lisa how her dad would have loved her because she's smart and almost as nerdy as he was. Lisa had giggled when she'd told her they would have been crossword buddies.
"I am so in love with you," she'd whispered against Lisa's cheek. Everything had gone quiet and Lisa did nothing more than kiss her in response.
Jennie had napped most of the afternoon, falling asleep and waking up to the feel of Lisa stroking the back of her neck, even as she slept herself. Jennie was yet again struck with the thought that she didn't belong anywhere that wasn't with Lisa, that she'd go anywhere Lisa went.
That's why she lets Lisa lead her all the way down to the beach. She's bleary eyed but she helps Lisa to lay down one blanket before they curl together atop it and pull another over them like they had in Texas. Lisa stares up at the night sky, at the hundreds of stars, and says nothing for a long time.
Jennie's sure that this is all they're going to do until Lisa turns to her and nuzzles her head softly into her shoulder.
"Do you believe in soulmates?" she whispers and Jennie barely hears her over the roar of the ocean before them.
She turns her head to the side and nods so that she knows Lisa can feel it.
Lisa grabs desperately at her bicep and Jennie cups her elbow to anchor her and remind her that she's safe. She's sure that she feels Lisa's breath hitch against her neck and she turns to soothe her with forehead kisses. Her other arm wraps around Lisa's shoulders and she tangles her fingers in Lisa's curls.
"I think you're mine," Lisa whimpers brokenly and Jennie doesn't understand until she shuffles down to her eye level. Lisa's green eyes are bright with tears and happiness but also fear. She shakes her head and Jennie frowns. "I think you're my soulmate."
Jennie lets all the breath get sucked out of her and it feels like getting caught on a wave and being pulled under.
"Before I met you..." Lisa continues and Jennie can do little more than listen. "Before I met you, it felt like I was just shouting into a void, like I was waiting for the universe to swallow me up." Jennie frowns and Lisa seems to relax when they turn on their sides to face each other. "Wherever I went, it felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, waiting for someone to notice... to pay attention... to just save me."
She smiles and Jennie shuffles closer until their noses press together.
"And then you showed up, and it felt like you dropped out of the sky," she giggles and her fingers find Jennie's cheek. "You turned around one day and looked at me and everything inside of me went quiet. You looked at me and it was like my heart and my mind and my entire soul was at peace. I saw you and I knew who you really were and it terrified me for so long because I didn't think I'd ever find you. I didn't want to give you that power but it was like the universe wanted me to. It wanted me to love you and it did everything to make sure that I did."
Tears rush down her cheeks and Jennie doesn't know what to do because she doesn't think she's ever seen Lisa cry before. She wipes her fingers over Lisa's cheeks and shakes her head because she needs to see her smile again.
"And I tried to fight all of it," Lisa chokes. "I wanted to feel safe but the truth is that the first time I ever felt safe in my entire life is when you looked at me and said—and said—'Hi, my name's Jennie—'"
"'I love your shirt'." Jennie strokes her hair back from her face. "'Do you mind if I sit here?'"
Lisa's eyes widen. "You remember."
Jennie smiles. "Of course I remember, I replayed that moment over in my head for weeks once you shot me down wondering what I'd done wrong."
Lisa's bottom lip trembles. "I was so scared."
Jennie strokes her thumb over it until it stops. "You didn't need to be," she whispers. "I felt it, too. I knew it, too. I fought it, too. It doesn't change the fact that I loved you from the minute I met you, that the scowls you gave me that first year were always the highlight of my day."
Lisa laughs and Jennie feels her entire soul relax at the sound.
"I wish I could go back, sometimes," Lisa soon softens and she sighs. "I wish I'd never been scared. Because then I never would have been mean enough to make you go back to your friends and loathe me enough to make them tease me." Jennie clicks her tongue and shakes her head but Lisa smiles coyly. "I used to plan what I would have said, you know?"
Jennie smiles. "And what would you have said?"
Lisa bites her lip. "Well, I would have smiled. I wanted to smile. I wanted to tell you that I got my shirt from a thrift store in Williamsburg." Jennie grins and strokes her cheek. "I would have told you that my favorite movie is Some Like It Hot, with Marilyn Monroe."
Jennie nods. "I know that."
Lisa shifts closer at the reminder. Jennie knows everything now. It makes everything less scary.
"I would have told you thank you when you told me I had pretty eyes," Lisa whispers around a shy smile. "Remembering you saying that made me smile for weeks." Jennie pushes Lisa's hair back from her face and her tongue pokes through her teeth as she smiles. She sobers when Lisa's smile slowly falls into one of reverence and respect. "I would have never made you feel bad that you were taking classes outside of your chosen area of study. I would have told you that I actually thought it was awesome that you wanted to take the class because you were actually interested in it. A lot of people in that class were only there because they were made to be there, but you weren't. You were interested and I would never have belittled that if I'd have known what came after."
Jennie sweeps her thumb over Lisa's cheek and looks at her carefully. She looks so small.
"I would have told you that I would have loved to have gone to that party with you, but only if we could have gone out for coffee first," she whispers and there's a half-smile on her face. "I wanted to talk to you more about how you think Alfred Hitchcock sucks."
Jennie snorts. "He does suck. He really sucks."
Lisa eliminates all the space between them with a sigh and leans in until their lips are practically touching. After all these months, Jennie's breath still hitches when they're this close.
"I think I would have liked to kiss you, too," she whispers, seconds before she does just that. It's quick and barely a peck but when she pulls back, Jennie is overwhelmed and breathless.
She clutches at Lisa and keeps her close, shakes her head at her words, and hates the idea of things happening that way. She loves the way they fell in love like they did. She loves the way that they got to see every single broken and beautiful piece of each other and got to put each other back together stronger. She loves that they hurt each other and still managed to fall in love anyway.
She feels that love so strongly that she frowns and wraps herself around this person who she never wants to be without.
"But it had to happen like this," she whispers and Lisa looks at her curiously. "We had to hurt each other. We had to call each other out and we had to do everything this way or it wouldn't be like this. If you'd never said what you did that day, I probably would still have been a bio major and dropped out. I probably would have treated you like I treated everyone else. I would have never earned your trust and everything would have gone wrong. It wouldn't have worked. Everything had to happen this way or we wouldn't be here right now."
Lisa holds her face and presses their foreheads together.
"You saved me, Lisa," Jennie whispers. "You put everything into perspective. You made everything worth it."
Lisa sighs. "So did you."
Jennie smiles and when they kiss, it feels like more. It feels better and whole and Jennie pulls away knowing, somehow, that she'll be kissing Lisa like this for the rest of her days. This unexpected person in her arms is the other half of her entire life.
Jennie smiles and they kiss until the sun starts rising over the horizon. They kiss until it starts to warm their cheeks and the first signs of morning start to sound around them. Jennie leads her all the way back to the house, slipping quietly past Rosa, her mother, and Marcus, until they fall back into the nest that's become Jennie's bed.
"Thank you for loving me," Lisa whispers as they curl around each other beneath the covers. "Thank you for seeing me."
Jennie's hands find her face and she cups it in her palms as she brings it closer. Lisa is so sleepy and at peace and it makes her happy. It makes her calm and she knows that she needs nothing more than this to be content.
"You're so very welcome," she whispers against Lisa's brow.
Lisa sighs in exhaustion. Jennie drifts off to sleep to the sound of her sure, steady breathing.
//
A few weeks later, Jennie receives her new residency assignment.
Lisa does, too.
They look at their single room designations and can't help but feel sad and disappointed and just a little bit sentimental.
Jennie kisses Lisa's forehead and reaches for the phone.
It doesn't take much persuading for the university to let them switch to a double.
//
A few weeks after that, they drive back to school together in Jennie's car.
It's full of Lisa's books, empty In-N-Out bags, crappy pop music mixes, and the combined bags of all their things.
Lisa goes to the residency office to get their keys and, when she bounds happily back to the car, Jennie frowns at her in amusement.
"You'll never guess what?" she says and then shoves the room assignment notice under Jennie's nose.
Jennie looks at it and frowns for a moment before she realizes what she's looking at.
"Hey, that's our old room," she says before smirking up at Lisa.
Lisa smirks.
"The universe loves us."
Jennie kisses her against the hood of the car and can't help but agree.
//
The get back to their room and unpack their things and it feels like nothing's changed.
Lisa falls into her nest of pillows and reaches up to habitually stroke the back of Jennie's neck when she falls in beside her.
It feels like the summer never happened. It feels like no time has passed at all and that they didn't just spend the last three months teaching kids how to paint during the day and quietly making love in Jennie's king bed every night. If they closed their eyes, they could pretend it was still May.
Jennie presses a kiss to Lisa's neck and Lisa feels her words mumbled against her skin.
"Home," she whispers.
Lisa sighs. "Yeah."
In each other's arms, they always will be.