I hated myself. I hated my father. I hated everything.
Why now? Why was everything falling apart now?
The shell I had tried to hard to crawl out of, was now my prison. I didn't anyone get close, I was numb, worse, I was indifferent. I was as cold as my name or heritage suggested.
It was suffocating. And it didn't help that I just constantly wanted to be alone.
Phoenix is backwards on her bed, saying, "So after dinner I was thinking we could watch that new—"
"Not now Phoenix." I snapped. I didn't mean to, or just came out. She looked visibly hurt, so she got up and left our dorm without a word.
I was so rude and mean, and she didn't deserve it, but I didn't even have the energy to apologize.
The secrets were eating me alive, and I couldn't even visit my father as he was battling cancer. Only his closest friends knew.
It affected me so badly. I didn't go out on the weekends to the Hard Deck with everyone, instead, I stayed in and studied.
I was determined to prove myself. To not mess up. Not when I was so close and everything in my life was getting worse.
Hangman even tried to pry me out of my state, but he could barely get so much as a backhanded compliment from me. But I noticed that they were trying. I wondered when they were going to give up.
❅
Today at Top Gun, we were doing air strike practice.
I hadn't slept all night, instead, all my mistakes and regrets came to haunt me that night.
Shaking my head to stop myself from too much thinking, because too much thinking led to feeling.
And I couldn't afford that right now.
Being numb is what kept me even on the ground and in the air.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
I squeezed my central flight stick three times, and taxied my plane down the runway, ready to escape to the one place I didn't face any of my problems.
"Base Control to Eagle 1?"
"This is Avalanche. Eagle 1 requesting to take off."
"Request granted. Runway 4 is open."
"Copy that." I said, a small smile making its way to my face.
I flipped on my systems on, and I started down the long runway.
Faster and faster, until I held my stick back and I started skirting over the air.
I pulled up further, and I felt the hard pressure of gravity landing on me. If one thing was worth it, this was one of those things.
Our classes were getting progressively harder, and today's was all about precision.
My forte.
We all had to fly an electronic course, and then hit our target at the end. The course itself was easy, but the shot was after a sharp curve in the imaginary canyon, and you'd miss it if you blinked.
I never missed a single one, I hit the target every single time. Hangman missed one, securing his second place position. Natasha was doing well, but her WSO was still having trouble adjusting to her flying and we were weeks into the course. It frustrated her and she would rant to me about it. Well, used to rant to me about it.
Rooster really didn't talk to me, but then again, I didn't make an effort to. I always wondered if he blamed my father or Maverick for Goose's death.
We hung out a few times as children, and I knew Carole could never hold a grudge against anybody, she was too sweet. But when Maverick pulled Bradley's papers he changed. I couldn't read him anymore like how I used to when we were kids. It didn't really bother me though. I didn't have any sort of an attachment towards him.
I was thinking too much— I had to get out of my own head.
"Mustang, this is Avalanche requesting flyby." Hopefully I could land so I could leave early and get a break.
I don't know when I was going to snap.
"Negative. Pattern is full." Base came in.
I was angry and impatient and everything felt like too much. My breaths started to quicken and I hurry and turn off my radio. Nobody could know.
To avoid a panic attack in the air, I swing around for another lap around the base.
I was going faster and faster, the wind whistling past my canopy, and my breath was too loud in my ears.
I pushed my stick faster and faster into the Grey Zone, until a large boom shook my plane.
I just broke the sound barrier.
It thrilled me, and a small wave of adrenaline washed over me.
But when it left, all I was left with was another anxiety filled problem.
I just did a sonic boom, over a naval base, unauthorized.
I was going to get in trouble with Commander Metcalf. Great, just another thing to add to the pile of Zoe Kazansky's life / dumpster fire.
At least I didn't buzz the tower. My father would kill me if he found out I did that.
Eventually, base control let me land, and I was in a worse mood than I had previously been in.
I taxied to my parking spot, and popped the canopy, and slid down my ladder.
I ripped off my helmet, and my hair whisped around me in a mess.
I was about to kick my plane when Hangman came down from his F-18.
He jogged over, "Avalanche, did you just break the sound barrier?"
"You heard that?" I say nonchalantly.
"Everyone on base did, let alone San Diego. What were you thinking?!?" Hangman sounded concerned.
"I wasn't, okay?"
Jake shakes his head, "You're going to get into trouble."
"I'm pretty sure I already know that. Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"You okay?"
"I'm fine." I start pulling off my gear, and I walk away to avoid this conversation and to get inside.
"You sure? Because you've been off." He states matter of factly.
I scoff, once again earning him a hard glare, "I'm not off, Hangman, I'm doing the best anyone's ever seen."
He frustratingly replies, "I know that. But your so..."
"Cold?" I offer, "It's literally my call sign. Move on Jake."
Hangman follows me, trying to make sure I'm okay. I know he'd never do it if anyone in our class was watching. From my point of view, there were two Hangman's. The one I saw at Top Gun with his friends, and the one he was alone with me.
"Numb. It's so bad, Phoenix has been complaining to Omega about it." He finishes.
I drop dead in my tracks, not bothering to turn around. "Really?" My voice falters.
"You didn't hear that from me." Hangman says.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." Hangman looks to the skies, and watches as one of our classmates lands. "If you ever need anything, I'm here for you as a friend."
"Is that what we're are now?"
I could feel his smirk, "Unless you want to—"
I turn around in a millisecond, "Hangman I was kidding."
"So was I." Hangman says quickly, "There's the Zoe we all know and love. See ya." He waves in the air.
"Bye Hangman."
I now owed the one, the only, Jake Seresin.
❅
I dropped my gear bag in my dorm room with a large sigh. I had just come back Commander Metcalf's office for the stunt I had pulled earlier, and then Admiral Hates who was in charge of the whole operation.
I was lucky that it didn't go on my permanent record, or worse, getting a court martial.
I didn't get in as much trouble as I think I deserved, but they probably saved me because I was top of my class, and more importantly, I was Iceman's daughter. They probably knew about my fathers condition too.
I try to make eye contact with Phoenix, but she's ignoring me. And after what I said earlier this week, I deserve it.
"Phoenix, can we talk?"
"Sure." She says gruffly, but doesn't close the book she's readying from or even meet my eyes.
It's the most she's interacted in the last week with me, so I try my luck.
"I'm sorry."
Natasha looks up in surprise, closing her book without marking it.
"I shouldn't have an excuse for snapping at you earlier today. What I did was..." I pause to find the right word, "wrong. I know I've been off, and thanks for still trying with me."
"Are you—- are you okay?" Phoenix asks. She knows I never apologize— even when I'm wrong.
I want to lie, and tell her I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm about to explode under the amount of pressure I'm under, and I don't know how much more I can take.
"No. No I'm not." I rasp. "My father has cancer. That's why I fainted in the office. He's dying, and there's nothing I can do about it." Tears start trickling down my cheeks, and I probably look so pathetic wiping them away.
"Zoe..."
"He's dying. What am I going to do? He's my dad, Tasha, he can't die. He's Iceman."
Phoenix hops off her bunk, and engulfs me in a hug, and my knees buckle to the ground. "Zoe, it's going to be okay."
No it isn't. I want to scream at her. But I don't. She's the closest thing I've had to a best friend, and I can't mess that up. Not when everything else is falling apart.
I don't know how long she holds me and tells me it'll be alright, and I can't help wondering how different it would feel if it was Hangman comforting me instead.
❅