[RORY]
I stared at my bedroom ceiling, forcefully lacing my fingers together on my stomach. I'd just set my phone on the nightstand and wanted it to stay there but the impulse was too strong as I reached over, giving in and grabbing it.
I'd spent the first few minutes of my morning on the phone with Finn - a pleasant way to wake up, given his innate capacity to be wildly charming at any point of the day. While he'd quietly rambled on about how well their shows in Denmark had been, my stupid brain was stuck on our blurry conversation from a few nights prior. I'd bitten the bullet and brought up Keira, but still had no concrete answers. Finn was blissfully ignorant to the churning waters in my head, hanging up with pleasantries and a promise to check in when he had some time.
I hated myself for comparing every little thing to Max, having spent many a morning on the phone with him while he was on tour, as well. I knew better than to pit them against each other - the list of differences was a long one, far more than that of similarities. That said, it was easy to feel a bit of deja vu - remembering how my heart warmed hearing his voice before anyone else's, and remembering how cold the bucket of water felt when I learned many of those mornings, he had actually been laying beside someone else.
I shamelessly opened Instagram, knowing very well I was about to ruin my mood for at least the day. I hadn't indulged myself yet but was finally giving into the little voice in the back of my mind, searching Keira's full name - thanks to Jack, for conveniently letting her last name slip. I found her profile pretty quickly, given that it was verified, immediately regretting it. While there was nothing overtly screaming I've fucked the guy you like, there were plenty of posts of White Noise. The rational part of my brain reminded me that it was how she made a living - she was a photographer. The irrational part of my brain picked up on the fact that a lot of photos posted in the galleries were of Finn - on stage, backstage, on the bus. I didn't see anything that confirmed my suspicions, so I dug deeper.
When I transitioned to her tagged photos, I felt my stomach do a flip. All of the photos - she was quite the party girl, always looking a solid 10 out of 10. But those didn't bother me nearly as much as the single one that appeared near the top. I clicked on it, seeing a group of people at a party, seated on a couch. There were a handful of faces I didn't recognize, besides Jack squeezing in from the back. My eyes weren't on him though, settled on Finn squeezed in between two guys - and Keira positioned conveniently on his right thigh, seated as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
I studied every aspect of their positioning, her tongue playfully out, her palm pressed against his other thigh in balance, his fingers holding her in place, wrapped around her hip. Finn's eyebrows were raised and mouth was slightly agape in a pose, but I wouldn't allow myself to be happy he wasn't smiling. I was too busy doing math, seeing that the date it was posted was just before July 4 - just before Cal's pool party, when I'd noticed the hickies on his neck. I knew I could be drawing conclusions, but I didn't care, shutting my phone off and returning my gaze to the ceiling.
"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, not expecting the heavy weight on my chest. I needed to get up, simultaneously hating that the hurt was self induced but that I'd also allowed myself to already have become so invested in him, that I cared so much. "Stupid. So fucking stupid."
I pulled myself out of bed, even though the sun was barely up. I vaguely remembered Em saying her and Bryce were planning to go on a quick hike before work, feeling the familiar need to tone my body. I felt absolutely pathetic as I quickly changed and brushed my teeth, practicing my reasoning knowing fully well Em would be trying to read between the lines.
I wasn't sure what the hell was going on with me, feeling the need to cry for the first time in months. I fought it, dragging myself to the kitchen and making coffee. When Bryce and Em emerged from the bedroom, half awake but dressed for the hike, I forced a smile and handed them their own respective mugs of fuel.
"Morning."
"An interesting plot twist," Bryce was wide awake, regardless of the fact it was just barely 6am. "Excited for you to join us, Rory."
Em eyed me curiously, a hesitant smile. "You feeling okay?"
"Fantastic," I responded, not intending to sound as monotonous as I did. "I was just up, I figured I'd tag along."
The view was beautiful as we hiked to the top of Temescal Canyon, overlooking the ocean as the sun took its time joining us. Regardless, I was huffing and puffing, feeling so lost in my own mind for various reasons. We reached the summit and took in the scenic view, Bryce making some Lion King reference as a joke. I loathed myself for not having more self control, feeling the tears prickling my eyes before I could stop them.
"Hey - you okay?"
Em whispered in my ear, trying not to draw Bryce's attention. I scoffed, nodding as best as I possibly could and discretely wiping away the stray tear that had slipped out. I was thankful she didn't press or ask questions, simply rubbing my arm and letting me have my moment of weakness in peace.
By the time we'd gotten back down and reached Bryce's car, I'd pulled myself together enough to be angry - angry that I thought I even had a reason to be sad. Keeping Finn a safe distance away was challenging at best, impossible at worst, but I needed to try harder. I knew that him and Max were worlds apart, but I also wasn't trying to repeat history. Whatever had happened with Keira - or any other woman - and Finn was none of my business. We were friends. Friends.
I climbed in the backseat and grabbed my phone, sighing in defeat. Naturally, my dear friend had texted. While my mind could be somewhat controlled, my body could not - my heart warming as I looked at the picture Finn had sent. He had been out at the pubs and had clearly been stopped by a fan and their furry friend. I was positive he'd been the one to ask for a picture with the latter, bloodshot eyes as he knelt down on the ground and posed with the adorable Australian Shepherd.
Had to for you, know they're your favourite. A very good boy indeed.
I couldn't stop my smile, seeing he'd sent another text.
Talking about me, of course. :)
The picture was too much as I sighed, flipping my phone over and willing the aching in my chest away. Finn was making it very, very difficult to draw a line in the sand, unknowingly blowing it away with every little thing he did.
-
Work was busy and a very welcome distraction from the tangle of thoughts in my head. I'd had two deadlines that I just barely made, feeling simultaneously accomplished and mentally drained by the time the end of the day arrived. I was eager to get home - as promised, a small package was awaiting me. Finn had given me two conditions - that I opened it in private, and that I was on the phone with him when I did. I was on the edge of my seat in suspense but figured if he was kind enough to send something, I should be kind enough to fulfill his requests.
"It smells so good in here!" I shouted, furrowing my eyebrows as I opened the front door. I could hear Em's favorite playing - John Mayer, the sounds of easy guitar and genuine laughter filling the space. I walked around the corner, smiling seeing her and Bryce playfully dancing around the kitchen. "Hello hello, what's the occasion?"
"He got a C!"
"I got a C!"
Their giggles made sense as I noticed they'd nearly finished an entire bottle of champagne. I grinned, tossing my bag and the package down onto the counter and grabbing a wine glass for myself. Em was making her mom's classic carbonara recipe and I was pleased to see she'd set three bowls on the counter.
"We love average," I laughed, merely teasing Bryce - he was in the throes of med school and I'd learned from many a conversation with him that a C was usually higher than the class average. "Congrats, man."
They both finished their respective glasses, opting for white wine next. I chewed on my cheek, willing my pesky thoughts to go away as I grabbed a bottle of red. If it were up to me, I'd have a whiskey neat but that felt awfully sad to have alone. I couldn't help but picture what it would be like to have a certain fourth person in the room with us. I was sure he'd have one with me.
Dinner was incredible and for once, I didn't mind being the only sober one. Bryce's slurred rambles and Em's constant giggles were enough entertainment to fill the entire evening, pulling me out of my funk at least temporarily. Em and I both had tears of laughter streaming down our cheeks as Bryce recalled how the first and only time he'd ever gotten high, he'd made his friend drop him at the ER because he was convinced he was well on his way to death.
After we cleaned up, we headed into the living room to start a new series Em had heard about. Em and Bryce took the couch and I sat alone on the loveseat adjacent, ironically. The show wasn't exactly my cup of tea and while I was in a better mood than before, my mind was drifting.
"Cold?"
I watched Bryce tend to Em as she smiled with appreciation, draping a throw blanket over their laps and pulling her closer into his side. The empty space beside me suddenly felt very, very real. I wasn't one to usually care about third-wheeling - but I also hadn't had a specific person that I craved to be close to in a very, very long time.
I hated how easy it was to picture Finn next to me. I could feel his warm breath tickling my ear, whispering a joke that he couldn't keep in while trying not to be rude and talk over the show. I could feel his body leaned back between my legs, laying on me with the back of his head resting on my stomach. I could feel my fingers playing with his curls while his rubbed my knee mindlessly. I could feel his back shaking as he laughed, glancing back at me to see if I found the same parts funny. It all felt so real, but it wasn't.
What was real, however, was the vibration coming from the couch next to me. I glanced down to see my phone lighting up. As if he'd sensed he was top of mind, he was calling me. I quietly excused myself, slipping into the kitchen to retrieve the package as I answered my phone and padded to my room.
I didn't bother saying hello, accustomed to talking to him so many times throughout the day.
"Isn't it crazy early for you?"
"6am," he grunted, his voice thick with sleep. I knew he was somewhere in Sweden and I felt guilty, feeling like he was only getting up so early for me. Thankfully, he read my mind. "We've got an early flight, don't worry."
"Okay good," I hummed, exhaling a pent-up breath. I sat on the edge of my bed, holding the package nervously. "This was cruel. You know I hate surprises and waiting and you somehow gave me both."
He laughed lightly, the comforting sound transitioning into a yawn. "I sincerely apologize. I'm a bit nervous for you to open it..."
"Now I'm really on the edge of my seat," I admitted truthfully, shaking it. It gave absolutely nothing away. "Can I open it now?"
"Yeah. Yeah," he hesitated, the nerves clear in his voice. "Can you like, talk me through it though? As you open it?"
"What the hell is in here?" I laughed, fueling his own. "Is it a bomb?"
"It's not a bomb, no. But I do feel it needs a bit of an explanation or I'll seem like a right bellend."
I couldn't wait any longer, opening it as Finn rambled on the other end. The minute I saw what was inside, my cheeks flushed like never before, my heart rate picking up. While I had a few of my own, it felt very different to have someone send you something so intimate.
"I'm...I'm away a lot? And I just thought, I thought maybe if I picked something and sent it to you, it's like I'm there?" He was stumbling over his words, taking my silence as a bad thing. "We just talked about, you know, the phone. I thought maybe it could be like, our thing."
"No, I. Thank you," I was blushing so hard, cringing at my response. While part of me liked to believe that he was being completely honest, that it was our thing, that he'd never done this before... part of me wondered if anyone else had ever received a package like that from him. "Sorry, I'm being so awkward."
"I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries..." he spoke quietly, clearly worried. "The distance can just be a lot, on anyone. I just want to be sure you're, uh. I'm an idiot."
The more he backtracked, the more I found the entire situation endearing and funny. We were both acting like awkward teenagers when in reality, we were adults who had an intimate relationship and he was only trying to be close to me when it wasn't physically possible. I smiled, wishing he could see me so the tension would ease.
"Shut up," I laughed, feeling hesitantly confident. "Do you have a little time?"
While I felt out of my comfort zone initially, I had to give it to Finn - he had a way of pushing my boundaries in the best of ways, making me feel sexy and empowered without even trying. Max treated sex like a task that he needed to check off his to-do list daily, never too concerned about whether I was enjoying myself. Finn was slowly pulling me out of my shell, constantly checking in to make sure I was comfortable, no matter what we were doing.
I lay in bed after with the phone pressed to my ear, somehow feeling even closer to him though he couldn't be further away. His breathing evened out on the other line as I giggled, unable to stop myself. He slowly started laughing too, the pair of us a complete dazed mess. I bit down on my lip, feeling content but also in shock about what we'd just done.
"I miss you."
The words fell from my lips and suddenly sobered me up, metaphorically. I hadn't meant to bring the mood down and felt a bit embarrassed, but he jumped in quickly.
"I miss you so bad, baby."
The use of the word was new and I scolded myself for clinging to it, trying to find meaning when there probably wasn't any. He called me babe in casual conversation frequently, but the swapping out of a single letter meant more to me than I assumed he knew. When we finally hung up, I was no less confused than I'd been all day but far more relaxed, drifting into a comfortable sleep.