The taste of blood, which is life, is the same salty taste of tears, which is pain.
— Gabriela Mistral
✵
Him
He runs his hand over the grave and his eyes follow the movement. It's hot from the sun. He's crouching beside it for long now. The sun is burning his skin too but he pays no heed to it.
He sighs and looks up at the sky. It's the same sky everyday. The same sun for every new day. The same sky from the past. The same sun once rising over the kingdom of his father on this land. His gaze falls back down to the grave.
"Baba."
He fists the sand. It slips from between his fingers. He buries his fingers into it, as if trying to reach for what's buried beneath.
"At least he gave you a grave," he mumbles to the winds. "He's a good man, baba. I wish you never rebelled against him."
He removes his hand from the grave. It's covered in sand but he doesn't bother wiping it clean, staring out at the expanse of the deserted land before him. Nameless. Isolated. Where his father lies buried away from life.
"I forgive you. For the hundredth time, I forgive you." He puts his arms over his knees and lowers his forehead against them. "I still love you, baba. I pray each one of them forgive you too. May my Lord forgive you too."
Her
The sword is struck out of her hand for the fourth time. This time she doesn't even bother picking it up to continue her training. She's not usually this easy to be defeated, but her lack of enthusiasm today cannot be help. Azar must sense it too because he sheaths his sword.
"Let us continue this another time," he suggests.
Noura wordlessly goes to sit under the shade of a tree. Azar comes to offer her water and she thank him. He settles under the shade too a little away from her.
Her mind keeps slipping from the world around her to only one man-- to last night. It aches her to recall what had happened, but she cannot stop thinking about it. Sometimes, she thinks she understands him. Other times, he leaves her wondering if she has ever truly known him. The secrets of Adam she is kept in oblivion to could be many to count. Yet she chose him against all reasons, only for him to keep her an arm length away every time. Only for him not to trust her.
Noura swallows a lump in her throat and blinks as she feels her tears pushing through. She mindlessly picks at the grass and hushes her heart. Azar shifts beside her.
"Did you receive the general's letter, Noura khanum?" he asks her.
Noura only nods in reply.
"He wrote me one too," he tells her. "They've moved to Baghdad."
She nods again. Under normal circumstances, it is her making a conversation, not Azar. But if her guard is putting in an effort, he must have noticed something off with her. She tries to keep her composure but it only becomes more difficult at Azar's next statement.
"He asked me if you were happy."
She releases a shuddering breath and the first tear falls from her eyes. She tightens her jaw to keep herself together. Azar doesn't say anything anymore.
"I just," she sniffs and wipes away the tear, "I miss my family."
"Me too," he speaks in agreement, not addressing her distress out of politeness. "It can get lonely here."
She replies with another nod, sniffing again, a cry choking her but she doesn't let it past her throat.
"But you'll reunite with them soon, khanum."
"God willing." Noura looks at him. "You had to leave your home in Isfahan because of me. I'm sorry, Azar."
He shakes his head and offers her a small smile. "Don't be. Your mother always treated me like her own son. Your home was a home to me, and your family like my own. Being with her, you, Eskander agha, and Roya, is enough for for me."
Noura returns his smile weakly and looks down. "Thank you."
She closes her eyes as more tears well up behind her lids. When she opens them, they fall. A whimper escapes her and she covers her face. Azar doesn't question her and quietly stay by her side.
"I'm sorry," she repeats herself, feeling embarrassed, trying her best not to cry but failing miserably. Her body shakes with sobs as she tries to hold them in. Azar is looking down too in an attempt not to make her uncomfortable but also unable to leave her in the given state.
"Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry about."
"I..." Noura purses her lips, not knowing what excuse to give him. To assure him she's fine so he'll have good things to write to Eskander about. But nothing comes to her mind. So asks him directly instead, "Tell Eskander I'm fine so he wouldn't worry, please."
"You're a strong woman, Noura khanum, but you're a human too." Azar looks up at her again. "It's okay if you don't feel fine sometimes. But you know, I don't lie to the general. And even if I do, he'll still worry for you."
She smiles but doesn't say anything anymore. Azar doesn't either. She watches the sky change colors from brilliant blue to dusky gold. The wind blows cooler as the day dwindles towards its end. The palace is quiet. She's no more in the training grounds but sits alone on the balcony of her chamber. Twilight has kissed the sky now. It drags her down the memory lane to one fine evening in Isfahan.
It was before Eskander had left for the army. He had only entered the prime of his youth and she was living the last of her childhood. There were many pomegranate trees at the back of their house. He used to climb them for the fruits and she was always too afraid to do so. But that day they both had climbed the trees and sat on the wall of their house eating pomegranates.
The sky back then was as it appears now, with strokes of pink and orange against the blue canvas. When she was scared of climbing up the tree, he had helped her to overcome that fear. When she had complained how her pomegranate was sour, he had given her his own which was sweet. Maybe that's why Eskander had become an irreplaceable part of her life. It wasn't the change of feelings which took place later on. It was the shoes of her father he had filled for her which Noura could never let go of.
A knock at the door puts a stop to her musings. She grants them permission to come in and Tamara appears beside her.
"Sayidati, should I lay out the table for dinner?"
"No, I'm not hungry. I'll only take a glass of milk."
Tamara stalls by the divan Noura is sitting on. She looks up at her handmaiden.
"Something is the matter, Tamara?"
She fidgets with her fingers, eyes flicking around before finding her and tipping her head slightly. "Yes. There's something I need to tell you."
Noura lifts an inquisitive eyebrow. "What is it?"
"I found it out from Daud, sayidati." She licks her lips nervously. "Apparently you aren't supposed to know this because the Ameer doesn't want to worry you. But you might want to know after what happened that night. I think it's best you do."
"Tell me then." Noura sits up attentively.
"But don't tell the Ameer, sayidati. He'll be upset with Daud and Daud will be upset with me."
"I won't," Noura assures her. "Now tell me, Tamara."
Tamara tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, taking a moment to ponder over her words before spilling the secret, "Someone wants to kill Ameer Adam. And that someone is not Khalifa Sulaiman."
Noura stares at Tamara for a long minute, letting her words seep in. After receiving the note it was clear to her this was one of the things Adam was hiding from her, but hearing Tamara say it somehow is a swords twisting in her chest. As if there was a frail hope of his life being in no danger. As if a noose wasn't already around his neck.
"Daud said that the Ameer has been receiving threats," Tamara continues, "but that there hasn't been any real attack on his life so far. Maybe only warnings to scare him off and keep him away from the throne. And it started way before you came to this palace. That's why the Ameer didn't want to bring you here."
"How do they know it's not the Khalifa?" Noura stands up from the divan, searching her eyes for more. "Who else wants his life and what for?"
"I don't know. But he made a truce with the Khalifa, so I assume it cannot be him." Tamara lowers her gaze. "I told you this because I thought you might be able to do something for him if a need arises. So I didn't want to keep this information to myself and let you be in ignorance."
"You did good." Noura squeezes her arm and smiles gratefully. "Thank you, Tamara."
She nods and smiles back. "It's my duty towards the Ameer, sayidati." She glances at the door, then looks back at Noura. "There's something else too," she adds in a hurry.
Noura tilts her head curiously. "Yes?"
"Syed Daryush is a member of the royal council. But Daud said that he doesn't really support Ameer Adam as a ruler. The lesser support the Ameer has from members of the council, the greater are his chances of losing power in the future."
"Is it so?"
"Yes, sayidati." Tamara gives her a meaningful look. "They want to find a weakness of syed Daryush so they can--"
The doors to the chamber open and Tamara snaps shut her mouth. Noura looks through the balcony doors inside and finds Adam stepping into the chamber. After two night and two days of disappearing on her with sparing her only a moment of his time during which he slapped her past to her face, he's back to her. Noura inhales deeply to simmer down her wrath before granting permission to her handmaiden to leave.
"We'll speak about it another time."
Tamara tips her head and disappears.
She turns away from the balcony doors and walks towards the handrail. The sky has lost all its shades and blended into dark blue. The stars are littered across the magnificence of the universe before her. For a flicker of a second, everything else loses significance against the vastness her gaze collides with.
She hears him coming behind her as his footsteps close in. Then she hears him stop and the footsteps fade away. She doesn't feel his presence close to her. But she doesn't turn around to see him either. Instead, she leans forward on the handrail.
"Noura?"
His voice is a spell that wraps itself around her throat. The way he says her name. It's only a trick and a trap. It only adds to her anger how he can weaken her. She grinds her teeth.
"Will you not even look at me now?"
Noura closes her eyes, letting her nerves settle, taking her time, before releasing her breath. She turns to look at him.
He's in a tunic and his hair is tied as usual. His cloak is still draped around him. Noura stares straight at him and notices the weariness on his face, as if like her, his nights have been sleepless and his days tiring. Yet she doesn't linger on the fact and crosses her arms.
"What does it change when I look at you, sayidi?"
"Noura." He takes a step forward. "I apologize for last night. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm deeply sorry."
"No you're not, my Ameer." She takes a step forward too. "You never are. Because if you were, we wouldn't be running in this circle of madness. Where you keep secrets from me. Where you keep leaving me. And despite me trying for you, I keep getting punished at your hands."
"Noura--"
She lifts her palms to shush him before her hands fall to her side. Noura takes another step towards him,finding her chance to release the leash on her tongue.
"You once said how the circus of love pleased me so much to be doing to you what I did. If you were my puppet. Maybe I should've asked you that instead. Because the puppet had always been me. Still am."
"Don't," he scolds gently, his eyes becoming both gloomy and darker. He closes the remaining gap between them and holds her arms. "Stop, please. Let us talk it out and settle the resentment."
But she smirks instead. "Why, doesn't this circus of love please you to be doing what you're doing to me, sayidi?"
"I'd be cursed if I willingly make you suffer, hayati." His hands lifts to her face and he caresses her jaw. "It's difficult for me to save you and not break you in the process. But I try for you. Wallahi I try so bad for you. Understand me, Noura."
"You want me to understand you without your words, but by your silence. You want me to understand you from a distance." She sighs and carefully brushes away his hand from her face. "Then you complained when I wanted to be in Isfahan all those months before. And you complain when I wish to be in Baghdad now. I thought any place is better with you. But any place is better where you don't leave me to cry alone. Yet you take me away from everyone else, then leave me to cry alone. And when I yearn to be with those who care, you take the dagger and twist it in my heart."
Speechless, he can only look at her. Noura feels her tears welling up once more, but she smiles against them and fixes his eyes.
"The man you despise so much, sayidi, he became part of my life long before I knew you. I grew up with him. He was there when no one else was. When my father passed away. When I had ugly days. When my childhood turned colorless. And then in my youth when there was no man to rely on, I could rely on him."
"Noura--"
She puts her palm over his mouth, glaring at him. "I will speak, and you will only listen." She removes her hand and he presses his lips together. "I chose you over that man. I chose you over Eskander." Her tears push through and she doesn't fight to hold them back. "You think I couldn't accept him for who he was, sayidi, when I accepted you for who you were? Or that I couldn't fight for him when I could fight for you? When I waited so long for him but couldn't be patient anymore when I had patiently waited for you?" She closes her eyes and sniffs, her voice carrying a tremble as she continues to speak, "But you want more, despite knowing that I've loved you unlike him-- unlike anyone. You want him to die for me."
She chuckles at the absurdity of the thought, and more tears fall at the horror of it. Noura moves away from him, not knowing anymore if her voice sounds like a laugh or a cry.
"You thought, Ameer Adam, that this woman I've married has no one against me. A dead father. An uncle faraway. And a so called brother who I could easily disregard by bringing their past to her face. So that's what you do." She shrugs in dismay. "You wonder you're a prince, what can a mere woman do against you."
"Noura." This time, her name is a growl, a warning she disregards and steps away some more from him until her back hits the handrail.
"He might not be my father's blood, but he carries his reflection in his eyes." She sniffs again and wipes away her tears. "I see the same adoration in his eyes for me which once my baba would carry for me. He's dear to me. Always will be. So if you want to kill him, kill me before him."
"Enough!" he roars and latches onto her arm, tugging her towards himself. "Enough, Noura."
She swallows thickly and looks up at him, not cowering away in fear at the uproar in his orbs. It's frightening, almost destructive, but it's so raw she's sure it'll sear him to death if she touches another nerve. Yet she dares to do so.
"Why? I'm not a slave from the harem of your palace. You haven't bought me. You don't own me. I'm a free woman. I can still leave you." She grins up at him in irony upon finding his own features coloring in horror and disbelief as she throws him into the fire to burn-- the same fire he let her burn into every time. "I might not be able to do anything against you over whatever you chose to do to me, but you can still lose me, sayidi. And you'll have only yourself to blame."
There is nothing more he offers her but silence. This time, Noura caresses his jaw, tracing it down to his jugular vein.
"Does it hurt?" she asks in a whisper.
"What do you think?" he replies, quietly begging her to stop.
She lets out a short laugh and pushes him away, walking into the chamber and leaving him on the balcony as she calls out to him.
"I think it might hurt more. Because I don't forgive you, Ameer Adam."
✵
Not me writing a tragic chapter on my birthday and making Noura cry through it and Adam burning in the process.
We might have some revelations/confessions coming up in the next chapter. In Adam's pov. I'm on my summer break so I really hope to be motivated to write more often. Wish me luck.
✵