I stretched my feet out across the ratty old couch in the lobby downstairs, rubbing a hand down my face as if it'd wipe the anger and bitterness away with it.
I shouldn't have been surprised that Logan was still an asshole. In reality, Jesse kind of had been too, but because he was my brother I was obligated to look passed it, ignore it, even when it was flashing like a caution sign in my face. Logan just hadn't ever really been someone I'd wanted to open myself up to and let in, if he was anything like my brother, I wanted to keep my distance.
And I had succeeded in doing so until I stepped into that condo.
Now the very presence of Logan made me want to claw his eyes out. He had gotten close to all of Jesse's time and attention, two things my parents had tried so desperately to get from my brother my whole childhood. Yet, here he was, being a complete jackass to me, the only other person that had knew Jess as well as he did, completely ignoring the fact that my brother was six feet under right now.
"Hey."
I'd expected Adam to come down after me, or at the very least Collin, to try and talk me into coming back upstairs.
What I didn't expect was Logan to be standing a few feet away in a black NASA tank top with his hands deep in a pair of even darker basketball shorts, shifting back and forth as if he wanted no more than to be back in his room.
"Well, for a smart guy, Adam sure is an idiot." I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest and averting my eyes from the figure towering over me.
Logan rolled his eyes. "He was going to come down, so was Collin, but I figured I should be the one to come talk to you."
"You figured wrong." I snapped. "I don't want to talk to you."
The blue in his eyes almost seemed to lighten a little as he sat on top of my feet on the couch. My heart sunk a little at the action. It was something Jesse and I had gone back and forth doing our entire childhood until one of us caved and let the other sit.
"My comment was uncalled for, I'm sorry."
"It was misogynistic and disgusting." I replied, earning a confused look out of him.
Of course he didn't know what that meant.
"Misogna whatic?" He butchered the pronunciation so much that I almost laughed. Almost.
"It was sexist." I explained in simpler terms. "You're a sexist pig."
Rather than try and argue the fact, he stretched his arms behind his head, flexing extraordinarily toned biceps.
"If I am, then so was Jesse." Logan eventually said, "You know he wasn't this sweet, little innocent boy, right?"
I uncrossed my arms and glared. "I know, Logan. But you don't need to talk shit about him. He's not here to defend himself."
"Come on." He rose to his feet suddenly, as if a light bulb had just switched on in his head. "I want to show you something."
I eyed him wearily. "Why would I go anywhere with you, Logan?"
"Because it has to do with Jesse."
Of course that was all he had to say to get me on my feet and following him down a long hallway that led into a small gym. There was a few treadmills, a stair machine, and a weight rack with an assortment of dumbells in it. I considered grabbing one and chucking it at the back of Logan's head but ultimately decided I didn't want to lay on a cold cell ground.
"Did you bring me here so I can watch you work out?" I joked.
A quick smile crossed his face, but it faltered into a grimace not even a minute later as he unlocked another door across the room and held it open. I hesitated, not sure I wanted to see what awaited on the other side that would alter Logan's mood so fast.
I felt my eyebrows furrow in confusion as I stared at the pool in front of me. "You brought me down here to kill me."
Logan didn't look at me, but at the cabana on the other side of the pool as he spoke. "Tempting, but no. Come on."
I trudged along behind him, wary of his every step. I had the sneaking suspicion he was going to push me into the water. The cheap white plastic chair cricked and cracked when he sat in it, clearly on its last legs and ready to give out. I sat across from him, resting my elbows on the small, round glass table between us.
"So what am I doing here?" I questioned.
"Jesse used to come out here to think." Logan muttered. "Or to talk to me, or anyone, in private. It was a place he didn't have to worry about an ear listening in."
I gave him a quick side eye. "But you did listen in?"
"I did." He confessed. "But most of the time I was coming home from work and he'd be out here, alone, just staring into oblivion."
"What's the point of this, Logan?" I could feel irritation starting to bubble in my chest. "I don't really want to talk about Jesse right now."
"That. That is the point of this." He stated without emotion.
"What do you mean?"
"You're not grieving."
I looked away. "Who are you to tell me what I'm feeling?"
"You're bitter and angry. And very much in denial." Logan continued. "You're not going to get anywhere living like that."
"You don't know a fucking thing about me, Logan! You don't know how or what I'm feeling! You-"
He cut me off, still eerily calm in comparison to my voice raising.
"I know exactly how you feel, Em. Because I feel it too. I feel the hatred for him not taking anyone's feelings into consideration but his own. I feel hatred for him disappearing to a different country to get his head blown off. I feel hatred for him giving you the keys to this fucking apartment knowing the three of us are here." He snapped. "I feel bitter about it all. I'm still in denial too, Emily. Part of me expects him to walk through the door with a big fucking smile and an apology for this whole misunderstanding. But he's gone. He's not coming back. He made the decision he did. He sacrificed himself. And I hate him for it."
I tried to stand to walk away, but my legs were heavy, my arms had circled around myself as Logan stated all of my feelings aloud.
"Do you feel better?" I managed to whisper.
"Feel better about what?"
"People learn to grieve in different ways, Logan. If pushing all my actual emotions aside and pretending is my way of coping, then it's my way of coping. Just like you have your own way of coping." I was finally able to stand, avoiding his guilt ridden expression. "Please, for the love of God. Just keep your mouth shut and let me suffer in peace."
Without giving him even a second to respond, I let out a shaky breath and headed for the gym, hoping he'd finally take a hint and leave me alone.
*
My emotions must have been displayed clear on my face, because Collin and Adam didn't say a word when I walked back into the condo. Adam glanced up from where he sat sipping on a cup of coffee at the kitchen table, only to quickly look away and back down at the table top. Collin was glued to the TV again, but momentarily pried his eyes from it to look at me, frowned, then looked away.
"Logan's an ass." Collin finally said softly, eyes still trained on the screen. "And I know you'd rather do anything but stay in this place alone with him. Come to the Frat party with us tonight."
Adam's head snapped toward his roommate so quick I was sure he'd get whiplash. "Hell no."
"Hell yes." Collin grinned. "It'll break her in and get her into the school spirit. Regardless if she continues to live here or not, it's good for her to make some friends."
"Col." Adam shook his head. "It's not a good idea. Those things are literally a gateway to hookups and Emily-"
"And Emily what?" I asked, cutting him off midsentence.
He offered a small smile. "You just seem too. . . innocent I guess? Like I don't think you have any idea how college guys are. Definitely not the same as your little high schoolers. Plus, Jesse's reputation and shit."
Reputation? Jesse had a rep here too?
"Well, I for one thing Emily is an adult and should be able to make her own decisions." Collin stood and crossed the room to us, still smiling.
"You down?"
I looked to Adam, taking in his anxious expression, then to Collin and his look of excitement.
What harm could one party really do?
"I'm down."