Valerie
It's been a while since I've been in Chicago. I'm sure I don't have a job now that I've been gone and beside Patrick I didn't think anyone would really miss me either. I made sure of it. But I did need to go home for a little while. Clean up the kitchen and take care of bills. So I try to sneak back up to my place without anyone noticing.
I've been staying in a motel back in my hometown. I don't know why I keep going back there, I don't have many memories of the place. But the few memories I do have are nice. And this way I can watch over Keith from afar, make sure he's sticking to what he said he would do.
It was really late so I move as quiet as I can. But as I get to my door I see someone sitting outside of it. They were in all black with their head resting on their knees. As I get closer I see familiar blonde hair and I freeze.
My hope was that he forgot about me. That he moved on once he realized I was gone. It's only been a week but that's a lifetime for people like us who relied on each other heavily when it comes to our emotions. But I see I wasn't gone long enough. I was hoping for a clean break but seeing him like that... there was shards of glass all around me and no matter where I step, I'm going to get cut.
I try to turn and walk away but I hear him get up. "Valerie! Valerie" he calls out and I stop. The way he says my name gets me every time.
I slowly turn around and see Patrick quickly coming towards me. I wanted more than anything to run away. To keep running and never look back. But my feet knew I needed to stay and so I did.
"I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you. I can't tell if I'm pissed off or relieved. I practiced what I would say when I saw you again over and over again in my head but I forgot it all. You always make me confused but this... this more than my heart can handle. It's been a week Valerie and you haven't been home, you haven't been at work. Your phone has been off and your car is gone. I have been sitting outside of your door praying you would come home never knowing if you would. Just praying that these past seven months would be enough to bring you back.
And you didn't even let me know if you were okay. You couldn't even give me the peace of mind. I didn't know a thing and was left only with thoughts of what could have been. We have been through so much together. You were a piece of my life I didn't know how to live without. And you left me.
Why" he sniffles.
I feel a warm tear hit my cold face as I shake my head. What I was trying to do was right, I believe that. But how I did it was wrong and I hurt him. I never... I never wanted to hurt him. God I would do anything to make sure he would never feel pain from my doing.
"I thought that if I left you wouldn't care" I whisper.
"Bull shit! Bull fucking shit! You know that's not true. That's some sorry ass answer you and I both don't believe. Try again" he demands.
"I know you cared... but I thought I could make it so you wouldn't. So that eventually once you stopped being upset with me you would forget about me. It worked for my dad. Out of sight out of mind. I wanted you to look into the future no longer worried about me, without you having to explain what I mean to you to your friends or family when neither of us know what's going on" I say.
A small gasp passes his lips and I could tell that he truly thought I didn't know. All the times he had to stick up for me. When he had to explain why he keeps me around when we are so different. He didn't think I couldn't see that I did not fit in with his life. Like a puzzle piece that has a million sides never truly meant to fit in anywhere. Especially not the kind of life he lived.
"It's okay, Patrick. The way I feel is not your fault. You see me that way I prayed someone would someday. I always hoped that someone would accept me for all that I am. And you did. But I never wanted anything after that. I can't expect others to see me through the same eyes. You can't make others see what you see. I can't be selfish, expect you to change the way you lived to stick with me. Is that what I want? Sure. But I'm a fool to think I can live a NHL life happily, or make you happy accustomed to the life I lead" I defend.
"So you thought you could leave me? That the memories we shared would just up and disappear? Val that's insane. What my friends say doesn't matter to me, you are what matters to me. What do they know about us? I get wanting to protect me, I've been trying to do the same for you. But prevention and protection is not the same. If you thought you could leave and I would forget about you, you're wrong. God sometimes you're all that I can think about. If you left me I would walk around every day remembering what it was like when you were by my side. Look over my shoulder hoping to see you there next to me. How warm you made me feel even when I was walking in your shadow.
I've felt nothing but cold since you left. Been making up scenarios in my head that would justify you leaving me like that. But no matter what happened in my head you always came back to me. Because I wanted you to" he explains.
"You can truly look me in the eyes and tell me that having me around isn't hard for you? Because I know it is" I defend.
"So what!? What's the point of a easy life anyways? It's not for you to decide when something is too hard for me to handle. To me you're worth every petty argument, every long winded explanation about things that every person should know. You're stubborn and know too much for your own good but that's what I like most about you. All the times I couldn't understand you if my life depended on it was one wonderful adventure to figure it out after another.
Understanding you has been some of the best parts of my entire life. And I never want to stop" he explains.
I just stand there trying to figure him out. All I wanted was for him to be happy, and I know being with me makes him happy but it also makes him sad. He wants to fix what will always be broken. No matter what he does or how hard he tries I will be broken. And sitting here letting him believe he can change me is a death sentence. There's no point.
But he doesn't care. He will keep trying and I don't want him to lose himself in me. He means so much to so many. Even if he means everything to me I can't sit here and let him get pulled into everything that is wrong with me. I want him to be free.
"Patrick" my voice cracks. He steps towards me as he cups my cheek. I couldn't look into those eyes god knows I will break. "I'm sorry" I whisper.
"Sorry for what" he asks softly.
"For hurting you" I sniffle.
"It's okay. You know why" he asks.
"No" I admit.
"Because Valerie,
I love you."
And in that moment time stops. All the sounds of the other apartments and the honking from outside cease to exist, it was straight silence. It felt like the whole world got cold and started to go dark. Everything but Patrick.
"I think you knew that I loved you all along. That's the real reason you left. Thought that you could get away before I got too far in. But you were too late, I'm not letting you go" he promises.
I didn't know what to say, what to do. I didn't know how I felt. Rather I did but was too scared to confess.
"Patrick I- I never wanted to lose you. But I wanted to let you go. Be free. Let you chose what to do with your life instead of being worried about me" I cry.
"If you want me to choose, then I choose you. And I choose you every time" he says pulling me closer.
I rest my hand on top of his that was sitting on my cheek. My fingers intertwine with his causing my heart to beat out of my chest. I thought that after what I did he would hate me. And now he's standing here telling me not to leave because he loves me.
"I don't know what to do" I whisper.
"I chose you. Now you get to choose. What would you like, Val" he questions.
The spit gets caught in my throat as I struggle to get it out. But eventually it comes. "I want to continue to learn how to be loved. And how to keep loving as well" I say softly.
Before I could end my sentence his lips were on mine. My arms wrap around his neck as his hands fall to my waist. He stands tall nearly pulling me off of the ground. But our lips stay together until they could be together no more.
"Stay" he begs.
"I'm yours" I promise.