Journal,
I think Carson may be cheating on me.
Yesterday afternoon, I stumbled upon a phone conversation I knew I was not supposed to hear. I had just finished making Enzo his lunch; I placed him in front of the television with his sandwich and juice box. I had only stepped away for a moment, but when you leave an almost four year old by himself, these things are unpredictable. He squeezed his juice too hard and ended up getting it all over the carpet.
I cleaned him up, told him it was fine, and then I walked down the hall to Carson's office to grab extra cleaning supplies, as I had gone through the ones under the kitchen sink earlier this morning during my cleaning.
That's when I heard it.
Though, I am not one hundred percent sure that what I heard was an affair. For starters, I couldn't hear the voice on the other side of the line; the caller could have just as easily been a man, rather than a woman.
But the conversation made me believe that it may be the truth.
They started off by talking about meeting plans; according to my husband, they had met up at least five times over the last few months – each time being closer and closer together than the last. Carson began to talk about a plan they had.
It wasn't super clear that the plan had to do with leaving me and cheating, but what else could it be? He did nothing else. His entire life was here; if this plan of his was completely off the mark from what I assume it is, it would make no sense. To uproot his own life, as well as Enzo's?—it seemed like too much work for a man like him.
At this point, I was certain that I should turn around and leave him be; a good wife doesn't snoop on her husband's private phone calls. But as I was turning to leave, I heard him say something that made my stomach churn.
Carson would never be father of the year; he cared for Enzo, but not as much as I wanted him to. Now, it almost made sense to me. He began to talk to this person about him – speaking of his age, his mannerisms – a whole bunch of things, including his medical diagnosis.
I wanted to barge into the room and demand to understand what the hell he was planning to do with my son, but I knew that if I did that, I would get no answers. All I could have received was a beating; Enzo was already getting suspicious of my bruises; I don't want him to realize the situation further than that. I don't want him to think his father is a bad person because he's violent.
So, I stood there and listened instead.
After a few seconds, the conversation changed and he and his caller began to talk about other people. They mentioned a child without a name, and then they mentioned another one named Harrison. For a moment, I thought he may be on the phone with his brother – Harrison was his child, making Enzo and him cousins. I've only met him once or twice, and each time, I didn't want to see him again. He was a creepy kid.
The fact that my husband was talking about the two of them in the same sentence made me really rethink the conversation.
But, that was all the information I got.
I was getting so nosey that I didn't realize how much I was inching up to the door. I walked into it too much, making it open with a small squeak. Carson turned fast, and hung up as well; he demanded an explanation. Lucky for me, I've gotten so used to being an actress for him, that I knew how to get myself out from under his terror.
It's late now; Enzo and Carson are both in bed. I have been confused all day about what I overheard, so I took it to this journal as I cannot formulate my thoughts out loud or to anyone else.
I just want my son to be okay.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Part of me wants to protect Enzo – to let him know of the horrible man that created him, but I don't want to take away his perfect family image. A child as young as him does not need to reap the downfalls of a broken marriage.
I've got to go now – Carson woke up.
He's screaming my name, telling me to get back in our bed with him. I know what he wants, but I don't want to go anywhere near him. Not after all of this.
Nadine.
Edit: Wow, I haven't touched this entry in months.
Reading it over, I know that my suspicions were stupid; they were derived from motherly panic over our only child. Phone calls like that one never happened again, I never saw Harrison, or his brother, and there has been no weird involvement with Enzo; it was like I thought – I was overthinking and that's why it made no sense.
Since then, Carson has gotten better. We do more things together as a family.
We go out.
We go on trips.
Hell, our intimacy has even gotten better.
And he hasn't laid a hand on me.
I'm pregnant again; twins!! I remember never wanting to have more kids with him being the person he was, but since this change has happened, I couldn't be happier. When things are good between us, they're really good.
I am thankful for my family, and I am evermore elated.
Nadine.