Jungkook woke up feeling the shittiest today. He had a dream that she came to see him, but only to let him know that she's leaving him. It was so heart-breaking that he had to force his hands to stop reaching for the phone and call her up, just to make sure that it was simply nonsense!
He kept himself busy on purpose, even if there's nothing more than the usual happening in his day. Whenever he had a little time to sit back and rests, he would be on his feet again to find something else to bother himself with. Unfortunately, there's only so much he can do on a normal Wednesday so when the thought of her consumed him again, he started drinking a little early.
How long is he going to keep this up? Hell, he doesn't even know! In his mind, he had taken the decision to retreat. He didn't exactly plan when he was going to come back out. Or if he'll ever get to come back out.
There's a lot on his mind. At first, he was only angry at her for the uncalled provocation in front of her friends. When Jimin came to visit, he decided to also add the fact that she hadn't been the most forthcoming girlfriend onto the plate. And by 7pm today, he's angry over the possibility that she'll break up with him – even if the idea was totally made up in his sleep!
"Boss, just an update," Nancy walks in after 2 knocks on his office door. "The VIP Room 3 was just booked for a marriage proposal,"
Wow...there are people who thinks proposing in a club is really a good idea?? Well, it's good for my business so why should I complain? "Good. Do they need anything?" He tried to focus the slight dizziness that's been disrupting his brain cells.
"Not much. The boyfriend and his friends will reach around ten-thirty to decorate the room. They asked if they can hang the 'Will You Marry Me?' banner on the wall and I told them yes but only with a clear tape,"
Ahh yes. A guest once hanged some things with a thick double-tape and it pissed Jungkook off so much trying to remove the damn sticky glues on his wall!
"Inform Joseph when he gets in then, tell him to be on standby and monitor whatever they put in the room,"
"Got it,"
"Any calls from my –"
"Yes," He didn't miss the eye-rolls from the girl, even in his inebriated state. "Two times since I got in. I told her you're not in, just as you asked me to,"
"Thanks," He looks back down nonchalantly to dismiss Nancy. Smiling sheepishly at his desktop screen, he briefly wonders if he's a bad guy for being like this.
To hear this while he's drowned in tipsiness made him feel good. Lisa has been trying to get in touch with him desperately and in these moments, he'd pat himself for sulking. He'd even hold himself back – replying to a whole bunch of her daily texts with a just an 'okay' to keep her going.
She updated him on where she's heading to, reminded him to eat when it's time, and even sent him unnecessary pictures of what she's doing. It's so unlike her to be this proactive but it got his heart smiling for a while. Perhaps that's the reason of his prolonged 'brooding'. It's probably childish to think so, but he truly enjoyed her recent attention. Go ahead. Keep it coming so I know how far you're willing to go for me.
"You know...it's my birthday tomorrow,"
Oh, she's still here? "Is it? Happy birthday then,"
"Thanks...and since I'm working on the eve of my birthday, can I celebrate it here?"
"While you're on the job?" What is she on about? No one drinks on the job except myself – everyone knows this! "Take the day off tomorrow then,"
"I don't want to. I'd have nothing to do anyway so I'm fine to work. Just one drink...on you. Please?"
"Nonsense," His laugh was a little exaggerated. "Let me call Soyeon, see if she's available tomorrow –"
"Boss, she's in Daegu with her parents. She uploaded a picture on Instagram this evening –"
"You're friends with her on Instagram?"
"I'm friends with everyone on Instagram!" Nancy laughed as if it was the most ridiculous question. "Except you, of course. You still haven't approved of my Follow request,"
It wasn't personal. Jungkook rarely opens any of his social media applications, especially since he got into a relationship with Lisa. It's funny how he tends to imitate her habits, now he realized. His girlfriend hadn't been the most active user online!
"Consider it my birthday gift then," He gave a charming smile as he opened the app on his phone. He was about to tap on his notifications but was distracted when he saw that there's a Story, published by his girlfriend. She posted something...wow...
A beautiful, still image of the evening's sunset by Han River is accompanied with a mug, filled with what he assumed is beer. The little writings on the yellow hues captioned a simple 'Miss being elsewhere'.
What is this? Did she purposely posted this to let me know that she's giving up? That she's running again? She wanted to be somewhere else...fuck - I can never do enough, can I?!
"You know what, let's get that drink," The ache in his head has now traveled to his chest. Everything inside of him screams angrily at Lisa.
I fell for you when all you wanted was to run! Everything that I've done...only to be back here again - what kind of fuckery is this??
Jungkook paces around in exasperation as he waited for Nancy to come back with the drink - anything at all to cure his heavy, broken heart. When she came back, he didn't even wait for any words to be said. All he needs as he downed the burning liquid is to remove the pain in every parts of his body. The parts that she had touched. His head is spinning with betrayal and regret - thinking that maybe Jimin was right. Maybe he's been hiding for too long -
"You looked really stressed," Nancy frowned and pouted. She bravely took the steps forward reached for his hand. "You should sit," She guided him to the chair and for some reason, Jungkook's beginning to see his girlfriend.
He shuts his eyes as fear sank in. Is she leaving me? When? If I go back to how it was, would she stay?
"Shh...just relax..." It's his love who was muttering these sweet assurance to him, telling him to not overthink anything. "You must be going through a tough time..." It's his girlfriend who then soothes the tension on his shoulders and down to his chest, pleading his worries down. "You always push me away...you should give me a chance," How he wished for the doll-face to appear - giving him her usual smile in between her addictive kisses...
But the girl who's now sitting on his lap looks nothing like her.
"Stop," Jungkook gasped out, taking Nancy's arms away from him.
These add-ons of charms and seductions isn't welcomed at all. He almost fell into it too before his mind could finally work sanely! This is wrong...what am I doing??
"Come on, just one kiss! A birthday kiss," Still sitting on top of him, Nancy is trying to get into his space – rubbing her palms over his chest and pouting as if it helps on changing his mind.
"Are you out of your mind?? I have a girlfriend!"
"A girlfriend who you didn't even wanna talk to. Come on...I'll treat you better –"
"Nancy," He held her wrist tightly and away from him. His eyes are blazing with anger – both towards her and himself. This girl have been harassing him every chance she gets and if she doesn't get it before, she'll get it now. "You've really crossed the line now. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave nicely...or I'll have you thrown out. Your pick,"
The girl finally pulled her hands back after a few seconds of contemplating and a few more, she stood and walked out, slamming the door behind her. Jungkook took a few deep breaths over what just happened.
...
You're allowed to be angry...to feel hurt or broken. You're allowed to feel whatever you need to...stay with yourself for as long as you need to. I know what I've done is wrong...too wrong, and I can't just sit and act like I haven't hurt you in the worst way I possibly could cus I had.
Lisa felt like her heart is bursting wide open with all these words chanting in her mind - memorizing what she was going to say once she gets to him. She had been weighing on the possibilities that 'the talk' could wait for tomorrow...but it simply can't. Crying over Jennie's shoulder had caused her more anxiety than ever and she needed to resolve this before she goes even crazier than she already has!
The revelation had brought her anxious heart and panicked feet to Wild Venus. She had been told that Jungkook was not at work in all of her calls to the club today but she figured she needed to take her chances. It wasn't something that she can hold in – she needed to let him know!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for a lot of things that I did or didn't do. You're the most wonderful, amazing guy to me and I'm sorry if I hadn't shown you enough of how important you are to me because you are, Jungkook...you are so important to me and I love you. I'm so in love with you. I hate that I can't talk to you or see you. I hate the thought of not being with you.
He needed to know a lot of things, mainly that she regretted what she did that evening. That she trusted his decision in not telling her about his mother. That she had resigned from work and planned to return to Thailand. He needed to know that she loves him and that she's been loving him for quite some time but hadn't realized it. And because of him, her stay back at home will not be for long.
She planned the many ways to beg for his forgiveness, just to end this agony of not hearing from him. She had spent every second of every day with only guilt and self-beating while all the while, she wished she was next to him instead.
Unlike when she looked for him the first time before, this time, she knew her way around better. Bumping into the security guard outside, she asked giddily if Jungkook was there and to her luck, he said yes! Lisa had practically hopped towards the entrance and since the bouncers already knew her face, she continued with the determined purpose towards his office.
But her impatient glee of realization halted every inch of reasons and sounds, the moment she opened the door. Jungkook was sitting back with his eyes closed - relished by the slithering touch of a female from his shoulders...down to his chest. Panic struck a record hit so Lisa immediately shuts the door.
Her mind went completely blank as her feet took motion. The heavily-thumping bass was all she could hear as she walked back out of the club and straight to the streets, not minding the vague callings from the earlier guard. From there, she walked without a compass in thoughts...not rain or shine could have woken the draught state of her mind.
It wasn't until she was pulled back by the arm so harshly that Lisa had returned to reality. The gush of wind and dusts brushed too close against her skin and the sound of a heavy-something passed - dissipated within seconds.
"Are you alright, miss?? You should watch where you're crossing - that bus almost hit you!"
She didn't mean to stare at the young stranger. She must've looked ghostly insane for this unintentional behaviour too, seeing as how the girl had screened her from head to toe weirdly before walking away. Lisa's eyes began roaming around her night. Where am I? Why am I here? The bits and pieces finally started patching in and...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. Jungkook...you are so important to me and I love you.
She felt her heart breaks into a million little pieces. A tear fell down her cheeks uninvitedly and more followed seconds after. I'm so in love with you...how could I be so stupid? I'm always the last to understand...always too late! With unbearable pain coursing through her body, she started running.
She recollected the storms inside with each fast steps...from the field of wildflowers to losing her precious aunt. How she held back her words in every flipped events and on her failed wedding. The air of disappointments from everyone who stood in front of her and the tears...shameful tears of her mother - there's really nowhere to run!
A long time ago, she stepped into this role. She grew to accommodate, just as how they wanted her to. She kept any hurt to herself, just like her mother wanted her to. Convenience made her stayed for far too long with her ex-fiance who continuously took advantage of her peace, she realized that now. It wasn't love...it sure didn't hurt as much as this!
Carrying forward the relentless attacking of wounds and pain, Lisa began slowing down. Her tired breaths and blistered chest are now chanting a different verse.
I lost myself because of my undeniable purpose of holding onto people. I lost my friends because I can no longer hold them back from showing their true colors. I lost my fiance because I made-believe the magic in our horizon...and now I lost my love because try as I might, I'm still just the same girl from home!
By the time she nestled herself in the apartment, Lisa broke down for the third time. Her painful sobs sounded louder in the quiet darkness and she felt lost by her own desolate heart. How she wished she could turn the hours back to that night. Or maybe...to the first time she met him. Yes, she would've done everything differently.
The club owner on a chaotic bachelorette's night caught her in a magnetic trance. The Jeon Jungkook she got to know at her best friend's wedding was charmingly unforgettable. He's been taking her elsewhere - into his own beautiful, made-up world and she enjoyed every second of it. Yet now...where is she now?
With heaving chest, she wiped her tears and switched the lights back on. There was no use as the waters kept flowing out like there's no end. Lisa hurriedly took out another brown box - folding and taping it aggressively. When it's done, she grabs everything on her desk and shoves it in - not even slightly concerned that she might break anything.
More than just isolation, she felt suffocated. The thought of Jungkook moving on and not wanting her anymore has her howling in this four walls. She could practically feel the floor cracking as time drags her feet around. I'll cry forever for losing him but not here. No...I'm not welcomed here. It's time to go!
A rapid stream of determination wanders deep in her heart and mind - clouding every peace and dreams of how she wanted her life to be. In her sorry attempts at recovery, she always ended up sinking him down. The only right she can do now is to let him breathe again.
The shiny, gold pendant she held halted her actions. The key necklace that he had gifted her as a late birthday present is just a lifeless subject but the way she stares at it is as if it's speaking with all the possibilities she could never have. With her own weight as her only ally, she sank to her knees - crying hard for the fourth time.
...
Coming back at the wee hours of the morning, Jungkook headed straight to his backyard with a bottle of beer he took from the fridge. He spent longer than necessary to sit, with his eyes roaming around the wildflowers in his so-called 'park'.
She always loved it here...A forest of oblivion. She wanted to be around them so she could be free from expectations.
It's funny how Lisa never considered herself as a beautiful, blooming flower, but it's all he'd ever seen her being. Jimin was right all along...maybe I had been putting her on a pedestal all this while. What else can I do to learn a flower? I pick it, put it in a vase or on dirt...I could draw it - none of these things can provide me any more than just what she appears to be. I stood beside her and tended to her beauty but whenever she wilts away, I then perceived her as this unrecognizable being.
It's wrong...deep down, I do know her. I know that she had spent most of her life sipping mists from the air, provided by those who watered it. Her heart must've been like the petals, growing farther and farther apart by the heavy, saturated need to attend to those 'expectations'. For some reason, Jungkook recalled his mother's words to him while they were walking by a rose bush when he was 14.
'You'd waste a life trying to understand how some flowers thrive while some don't. But when you find one that really makes you stop, smile and give gratitude for its beauty. You may never see the same one again.'
He misses the woman. She would have a lot of encouragements in times like these. She would have loved Lisa too. Fuck - I miss her so much!! He's been feeling like shit since Nancy walked out of his office. The subconscious guilt for what could have happened. He never worried much whenever he starts drinking for the sole reason that he's not easily subdued.
But that Story...damn it - she's the only one who could bring the worst out of me! Should I tell her? No...she'll end us and I - I can't do this! I can't hide anymore!
Jungkook took out his phone to call Lisa but stopped when he realized the darkness around him. She's probably still asleep. I should wait...maybe when she sends her 'good morning' text, we can start all over again. We'll put the past behind us...including what happened last night. She doesn't have to know. I can't let her know.
...
Her eyes felt swollen. By 4pm the very next day, Lisa hadn't slept for even a second. The entire morning had been spent by packing all of her stuff. 3 luggage and 3 big boxes, that's all she collected in her 2 years away from home.
Once she had gotten herself decent enough to walk out of the apartment, she headed straight to Jennie's house. 3 hours were spent crying over what she had witnessed the night before and pulling herself back together. She lost count on how many times she had said her goodbyes as it never felt real enough. Jennie cried too, although she was more optimistic that Lisa will one day return.
She then called Jisoo at work, informing the other 'unnie' of her departure. She received a lot of reminders from this one that it reminds her of her own mother! Eat something before you board the plane. Call me once you reach. Don't skip your meals. Call if you need any help at all. Don't forget me. Don't forget to call. Don't forget to breathe - the list felt endless!
She called Chaeyoung once she reached the airport. Lisa had to endure the crying mess over the phone but she kept her heart strong as she apologized profusely. She finally explained that she wasn't sure if Jimin was at home if she were to visit and thankfully, the friend understood what she meant.
"I'll keep the key where you left it so you know you can always come back."
It was heart-wrenching to leave her friends like this. She remembers how quiet her phone was when she left home. She never expected to feel this important for leaving a place that she never even planned to stay.
...
Jungkook's been having mixed feelings throughout the day. He woke up a little late - 3.24pm to be exact, thanks to the many liquors consumed from the night till morning! The first thing he did was checking his phone for any texts from Lisa. None.
He was worried, of course, but decided to freshen up before figuring out his to-do list for the day. In the shower, he collected a few ideas. He could call her up and ask her out. He'll pick her up and they'll go for a walk - maybe have something to eat first because he's famished! He'll spend the whole day with her to make up for the lost time and by tonight, he'll make sure they're okay again.
But when he stepped out of the bathroom, his phone rang. His brother - in all of his excitement - told him that his mother woke up from her afternoon nap with her memory in place. It took him a few seconds to digest and when he did, Jungkook sped up his feet to return back home.
The last time she 'came back' was a year and 8 months ago, and it only lasted for 2 hours or so. He can't risks driving for 4 hours and thankfully, there's a flight from Incheon Airport to get him there sooner. Not more than 10 minutes and he's out the door. On his way to the airport, he tried calling Lisa but her phone was switched off.
"Hi baby, it's me. I'm rushing back to Busan now and will probably come back tomorrow. I wanna see you...I really need to see you. I'm sorry for not replying before, I really miss you. I uh...I'm almost at the airport now. I'll call you later yeah? I love you." He left the voice message nonetheless.
As he parked his car and ran into the foyer, his thoughts were focused solely on his mother. He hoped he could make it in time. The downside of living states away from his family was always this - that he might not be able to attend when it permits, but he can't dwell on it too much since both his father and brother assured that 'it's what eomma would've wanted'.
A lot of exciting memories came into his mind as he got on the escalator, printing his boarding ticket and passing through the security checkpoint - particularly of when he was little and always clinging onto his mother. Everyone would cringe at how much of a mama's boy he was...and maybe up until now.
Jogging towards his gate, he only stopped for a quick second when he spotted someone from the opposite wing from where he was standing - over the international flights departure. With her back facing him, her hair and figure looked familiar...almost identical even, to his girlfriend. But it's too far away for him to even be sure and there's no way that she'll be there so he continued marching his feet forward.
The plane ride took one hour and as he was seated next to an old man, Jungkook tried to release the amount of giddiness in his chest - making small talks and whatnot. The gentleman was on a visit to Seoul for a couple of days, he learned, to deliver some newly-bought clothes for his daughter. A doctor, who seemingly was too busy with her work that she couldn't find the time to go shopping...or have a dating life.
It was nice hearing these type of real-life stories from a complete stranger. He must've thought it was nice of Jungkook to listen too since by the time they landed, the old man even offered to introduce him to the daughter! Jungkook politely denied, of course - noting to the elder that he already have a special someone to propose to.
He made it home in time. While his father sat peacefully in the living room, his brother led him to the kitchen. There she was - over the counter, baking like it's just another day when he stepped in. Jungkook got a little teary-eyed when his mother called for his name. He hadn't heard that voice calling for him in almost 2 years.
The family had a meal together for the first time in a long time, and Jungkook felt sublimely happy. The only thing that could top this moment off is if she's here with me, he thought. Closer towards sundown, he sat beside his mother - updating her on his work and life. He knew that she'll get agitated soon enough and she'll leave them again, and the melancholic feeling started kicking in.
"I'm happy that my son is happy," She said, referring to his accomplishment that is Wild Venus.
"Eomma..." He held his sobs in, reaching for her hand and brought it close to his cheek. "I really miss you a lot,"
"Hush, I'm always here, aren't I?"
"Yes..." No, not really.
"Now tell me, have you not find a beautiful girl in your busy life at all?" His mother smiles cheekily.
"Aishh..." Jungkook almost choked in suppressing his awkwardness. He didn't feel like this when he brought Sana back home before, even if his mother was in a world of her own back then. "Eomma -"
"You have, don't you? I know that look on you..." She points a finger and laughs like a child. "For how long? Does she know about me?"
"Would you like me to tell her about you?"
"Yes - oh Gook...there's no shame in admitting -"
"I'm not ashamed, eomma," He sighed. "I just didn't wanna talk about it as if it's my position to tell. You're the one who's sick -"
"Yes, but you're the one dealing with it,"
Jungkook froze, at loss of his mother's gentle gaze.
"Gook-ah...when I go, I don't feel anything. Appa said I get confused most mornings - who I am, where I am, bits and pieces came and went but it's hardly what I'd call sick. But you...it must've been hard for you to see me like that,"
"I'm fine, eomma. I remember everything about you so you don't have to worry -"
"This is your life now, Gook. You have me in your memory and I can't ask for a better life than having my children remember me. But I'd also like my children to look at me now and say, yes...that's also my eomma,"
Jungkook stares down to the floor. Right then, it dawned on him of how in-denial he'd been. He carried his mother like a badge of honor, but he hadn't been completely truthful about her condition. She is fine...it's always the same answer. But that's not really the case, isn't it? Otherwise, he wouldn't have ran with his life to come back here, just to make it in time.
"You can tell her, my eomma doesn't have much memories to hold on to. My eomma can't even tell which world she wakes up in, most of the time. But she also doesn't have any regrets in her life - she has two beautiful sons to keep her in their hearts. Two sons who misses her a lot even when she's here. Tell her that if one day you ended up becoming me, you'd like it if she remembers you the same way as well. And if she's the right person for you...Gook-ah...I'll be so happy for you,"
He can't help but tearing up over what his mother just said. He never looked at his situation this way before but at the back of his mind, he knew there's always a small chance that one of them might inherit the same disease. And there I was, telling Lisa that it wasn't my story to tell!
When his mother's sundowning finally passed on, Jungkook decided to just head back to Seoul. He wanted nothing more than to see Lisa and clearing up the air between them. He had let days passing by with no efforts at all, despite her guilt-driven actions. I'll take the leap, even if it's pity. Even if she runs, I want her to still remember me.
Her phone was still switched off when he reached Seoul and it was then that he realized...there wasn't any texts from her at all today. Not her usual 'good morning', nor those unnecessary updates - why is that? Had she given up? Shit -
At least once or twice in your life, you'd be hit with a feeling so heart-wrenchingly tensed that you'd mistake it for a panic-attack. Jungkook's been there before. It was when her mother went missing after leaving the house for the supermarket. Both him and his brother wandered - searching for some clues to where she might be and in all throughout the 3 hours, he was feeling the same.
With the same anxiety, he drove straight to her apartment. In sweats, he relentlessly knocked on the door, rang the doorbell, and called out her name. He waited 15 minutes before he thought of calling Jimin to talk to Chaeyoung. He ignored the many 'I don't wanna talk to him!' in the background - telling himself that the other issues can wait until he's seen Lisa. But the patience was cut short when,
"Jennie told me that Lisa saw you last night with some girl,"
His heart began tripling up its speed. She...she came...she saw me!
"Where is she? I need to talk to her, please!"
"Why would you care? You know, you could've just told her that it's over. She tried really hard to tell you -"
"It wasn't over and I'm not discussing this with you! Just tell me where she is, please!"
"Jungkook-ssi, I know what she instigated that evening was wrong...she knew that it was wrong too, trust me. She blamed herself for all of it, you need to understand this. She's not the kind of person who'd hurt anyone - not on purpose! So for her to go to that length...it meant something, no matter what you chose the believe. She's almost like a sister to me and I want her to get better, feel better. Now I know you felt hurt or disrespected...but you should've just been honest if you claim that you really know her. What's done is done and I think...I think you should just let her go,"
"No!! Please...Chaeyoung, please...just tell me where she is. I need to see her, I need to explain! Please, there's no one - it's a misunderstanding! It's only her so please..." He waited, counting the seconds as if his life depends on it. It felt like forever.
"She's not here. She flew back home this evening."
...