Lauren slammed the front door behind her, throwing her keys on the counter and collapsing onto one of the stools in the kitchen. She couldn't believe that had just happened. All she wanted to do was be able to hold Camila in her arms and comfort her, but she'd been forced to leave the hospital and come back during 'visiting hours.'
The tears hadn't stopped since the moment she got back to her car. This was all her fault. She should've noticed something was up. What if Camila had actually followed through? Lauren shuddered at the thought and another sob racked through her body.
Eventually she pried herself up from the counter and slowly made her way upstairs. All she wanted to do was lie in bed and forget about everything that was happening. She was just about to turn into her bedroom when she noticed one of the doors across the hall was cracked open. It belonged to one of the trashed bedrooms that they had never gotten around to cleaning up.
Cautiously, Lauren took a few steps forwards and pushed the door the rest of the way open. What she saw made her feel physically sick.
In the middle of the room sat a collection of pill bottles. Every single bottle that had been stored in their medicine cabinet was now piled up on the floor. A few had been opened, and different sized pills were scattered about the floor. Lauren's legs grew weak and she dropped to her knees on the floor.
How could Camila do this? Lauren's hands covered her mouth and she gasped for air through sobs. She couldn't remember ever crying this hard in her life. Her chest ached and she felt as if all the air had been sucked out of her lungs. If this hurt so badly, how would she have felt if she had actually found Camila... dead? Another sob escaped her lips as soon as the thought crossed her mind.
A sheet of paper caught her eye a few feet away, and she scrambled towards it, grabbing it and holding it out in front of her. She was desperate for some sort of explanation... maybe this was all some sort of sick, twisted joke. Maybe the camera men from Punk'd were waiting in the other room to come in and surprise her.
But that wasn't the case.
Lauren's heart dropped the minute she saw the paper. She barley recognized Camila's handwriting. It was shaky and nearly illegible. Tears spotted the paper and caused the ink to bleed. The green eyed girl wiped her eyes and held the letter close to her face.
Hey.
If you're reading this, I'm dead. God, don't hate me. Please. I tried as hard as I could. I really did. I just couldn't.
Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. You're going to blame yourselves but there was nothing you could've done. This is my problem and I've made the decision to end it on my own. You'd only prolong my suffering by trying to help. I love you so much. Please don't ever doubt that.
Sofi. I love you. You're my butterfly princess forever and always, okay? And just because I became this messed up doesn't mean you have to. Pick flowers, hug people, love yourself. Don't do what I did. I love you. I'm always your sister.
Dinah, Mani, Ally, I don't blame you if you hate me. I really don't. I've been the biggest bitch to you and I have no explanation for why. This isn't your fault, so please don't think it is. I love you so much, thank you for trying to help me. Even though I'm dead, your effort meant so much to me. Take care of Lauren for me, I beg of you.
Lauren. I am so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if this hurts you... if I've hurt you in any way. I've been putting off writing to you because I don't want to realize that I'll be leaving you today. I love you more than you will ever, ever know, and I've probably made it this far because of you. Thank you. Thank you for showing me love when no one else would. Thank you for not giving up on me. You showed me unconditional love and eternal friendship in so many ways. You were always there for me. To laugh, to cry, and everything inbetween. You've shown me the better parts of myself that I never knew existed.
I've never told you this but honestly the moment I saw you I knew we would be together for a long time. I'm sorry I have to end it this early. You're so contagious — and somehow you let me get close to you, which was the best thing that ever happened to me. In these last few days, talking to you has proven to be the only thing that can put a smile on my face. I'm sorry for leaving you. I know it's selfish but I think it's something we all knew would happen eventually.
Look out for me. Maybe I'll come back as a bird. Maybe that's why I feel so lost here, because maybe I was meant to fly and I've been grounded. Maybe that's why whenever I stand on the edge of a cliff I have to stop myself from jumping.
I'm so sorry. I really tried to stay just because of you but it was too hard. There's so much more I could tell you but I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you. You've been my saving grace this past year. I love y—
The last few lines of the letter were nearly impossible to read. Camila's writing was cut off and there was a large pencil scratch that extended from the last letter, as if she had abruptly decided to stop writing.
Lauren didn't know how painful this would be. But suddenly, she was filled with anger. Rage, even. How could Camila be so selfish? Did she have a clue how many people she would hurt by doing this? Lauren's grip on the paper tightened and suddenly she cracked. Her hands tore endlessly at the note, ripping it to shreds and crumpling it in her fists.
She stood up, screaming and kicking the pill bottles in the middle of the room. They went flying, some popped open and scattered even more pills across the floor. Lauren turned to the wall and her fist flew easily through the drywall, sending pain searing up her arm. She whimpered and fell to her knees, pressing her fists against the wall and pounding against it endlessly. No matter what she did, she couldn't alleviate the pain she felt inside from coming so close to losing Camila.
Lauren stayed in that room with her forehead pressed against the wall for what felt like ages. Eventually, her sobs calmed down and her anger was replaced with worry. What were they doing to Camila? Was she okay? What was going to happen? Just as Lauren pulled herself up to her feet, she heard her phone buzzing from downstairs. Desperately wanting some sort of relief, she sprinted down the stairs and grabbed her phone, holding it close to her ear and wiping the tears from her face.
"H-hello?" she rasped, biting her lip and anxiously running a hand through her hair.
"Lauren Jauregui?"
"That's me, yeah," Lauren breathed, sitting down and trying not to beg for some sort of answers.
"I'm calling about your friend Camila, yes? You were listed as her roommate," the woman on the other line of the phone began. "She's being transferred to a facility in Missouri that specifically handles her disorder."
Lauren's heart dropped into her stomach and her hands began to shake. "What... what? You're lying, right?" she bit her lip and shook her head. "Is she there? Can I talk to her?"
There was silence on the other line and muffled talking. "Camila would rather not have contact with anyone at the moment."
"You're telling me I can't even come visit?" Lauren clenched her fists. Why didn't Camila want to talk to her? Lauren's heart was racing a thousand miles per minute.
"At this time, no," the woman on the line said firmly. "The rehabilitation center has an open bed and she's being taken there in the morning, during their admittance hours."
"This is bullshit," Lauren muttered under her breath, planting her feet firmly in the ground.
"We will give you a call once she's completely admitted into the center. Otherwise, we ask that you don't try and contact her, or anyone in her family for the time being. She has t—,"
"Yeah, whatever," Lauren grumbled, not bothering to wait for the woman to finish before hanging up. She immediately dialed Dinah's number and took a deep breath.
"Wha...?" Dinah mumbled. Lauren could tell she had just woken up.
"Dinah," Lauren breathed, suddenly feeling another wave of panic wash over her. "Dinah... Dinah, C-camila... I-I..."
She heard shuffling on the other end of the line. "Laur, what's going on?" Dinah's voice was raspy from just having woken up.
"Camila... she... she had pills a-and she left a note and... and then," Lauren took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "They're s-sending her away... Dinah... I need you," the green eyed girl slammed one of her fists into the counter.
"Wait, what?" Dinah's voice grew panicked. "Is she okay? Is she hurt?" There was shuffling on the other line for a minute or so before Lauren recognized the sound of a car engine starting. "I'm on my way, okay? Talk to me."
"She's... I don't know, she came in my room and told me she needed to go to the hospital... I don't think she... I don't know, Dinah, I don't know," Lauren's breathing grew rapid and she heard Dinah's car accelerate.
"Hey, hey, calm down, okay? She's safe now, right? Focus on that," Dinah attempted to calm her distraught bandmate. Minutes later, Lauren heard a car screech outside her house and rushed footsteps burst through the front door.
"I let her down, Di," Lauren's voice cracked when she saw the Polynesian girl in the entrance of the kitchen. Another round of sobs took over and Dinah quickly ran over and wrapped her arms around the older girl.
"This is not your fault, Lauren Jauregui, do you understand?" Dinah said firmly, staring Lauren straight in the eyes to try and get her point across. "You did everything you could, okay? But in the end, Camila has to be the one making her own decisions, okay?" The Polynesian girl's eyes filled with tears and Lauren nodded slowly.
"I don't understand it either, Laur," Dinah sighed, leading them over to the couch and sitting down.
"She doesn't even want to talk to me," Lauren wiped her eyes and laid her head back so she was staring up at the ceiling. "I'm so... fucking... confused."
"I don't blame you," Dinah bit her lip and gazed out the window as the sun began to come up. Lauren must've been up all night. "Here, Laur," she stood up and tossed the girl a blanket. "Try and get some sleep, okay? I'll call the other girls and we can try to make sense of this when you wake up."
Lauren was too exhausted to protest, and she curled up into a ball under the small blanket Dinah had tossed her, burying her head in the pillow. The tears continued to flow freely, and she began to wonder if they would ever stop.
How could Camila do this to her?
—
a/n: why is this so painful to write why do i do this to myself
hey but this should serve as a good reminder - please don't hurt yourselves because somewhere, you are the camila to someone's lauren, and you saw just how much camila's suffering is hurting lauren aswell. be nice to your minds, be nice to your bodies. being a human is so cool and i wouldn't want to see anyone take that for granted.
also, fun fact, part of camila's note is taken from an actual suicide note that has personally affected me. i incorporated it to make it seem a bit more real.
thank you so much for reading, omg. chapter 20?!? that's insane. weak started out as a one shot and somehow we ended up here. thank you endlessly for your continued support. ily all.
oh, and i also got an ask.fm (@lenajfc), so ask me stuff!!
- lena (@lenajfc on twitter, txrches on tumblr)