April 2017, Haarlem - Helsinki
Unfortunately the days went by pretty fast and today I'm leaving from Netherlands. At least I managed to spend the whole day yesterday with Kristy because she didn't have any lessons like today but this doesn't mean that I will miss her less now.
I will have to say goodbye for some months till I will manage to visit her again. I hope I will find fast some free time and visit her even the next month if I can but this seems impossible. Now that I saw her and we spend time together here I will miss her even more than I did in the first two months but time goes by really fast, it really flies away so soon I will be here again with her.
My mood isn't really good since yesterday and unfortunately I can tell the same for her. She seems sad and so am I
If only I could stay some days more, but then it would be even more harder to return back in Finland. When you get used on something or a situation it's hard to say goodbye and the more you get used to it the harder it is when you have to leave.
"It's gonna be okay babe" we are now sitting in the balcony. Our chairs the closer they could be and her head was on my chest.
My flight is in the afternoon and now it's morning, a cloudy morning so we have some time to stay here and spend as much time as we have left.
Aleksi has some classes for probably two hours and he will be back in the noon.
What I realized all those days that I stayed here is that Aleksi is a great guy, even if I'm not one hundred percent sure. I could never trust someone this easily.
Of course I will need more time to trust him completely but for now he really seems like a good person and I'm happy for this and this will also calm me a bit.
Knowing that Kristy is safe while I'm away will keep some of my thoughts quiet and I won't be this worried.
"Why can't you stay some more days?" She looked up at me and I could see that her smile was missing again.
Her beautiful smile, one of the reasons that I fell for her, one of the reasons why i love her.
A reason why my heart is full, why I feel safe in this world. The reason why I believed that I also deserve some love.
The reason why I also felt that i still could have feelings for someone even after Johanna did to me.
She made me believe in love after thinking that this feeling doesn't even exist
"I wish I could" I sighed and looked away
Only if things would be much easier.
Why can't her studies be only for six months? Than nine?
Would she want this though? I don't even know and sometimes I feel so selfish that I wish that her studies could even finish yesterday so she could be with me.
Why isn't she wishing the same about my work? She could ask me to forget about my band and move here with her but she didn't and I don't think that she even thought about this.
I just love her too much and it is hard to stay away from her all those months but it has to go like this.
She decided to get in this university and I supported her choice and still do, I just find it hard to copy with it.
"When will you come again?" She asked me after some minutes of silence went by
"Maybe June or July if everything goes according to plan" I looked at her " I wish I could come earlier"
We're only in the end of April and June and July sound way too long.
Even if it's only one or two months away it sounds like we need so much time to get to them.
"I don't want to let you go" she wrapped on of her arms around me and buried her face in the crook of my neck
She's making everything harder.
It's so difficult to leave but seeing her like this makes me feel even worse.
I also don't want to leave or I don't want to leave her here but my life is there, in that small apartment in Helsinki and her life now is in that house in Haarlem.
Soon she will be back, I know but this period of time is one of the toughest I've went through my life till today and I'm sure it will become even worse in the following months.
"I need you" she lifted her face and the were already tears forming in her eyes.
Only if she knew how much I actually need her in my life. How much she affects my mood, my whole life.
She's my therapy, she's my light in this dark world.
I need her with me, I need her close to me.
I need to feel that she's there, be sure that I actually have someone to comfort me.
I need to show her my love, I need to show to someone my feelings and she's the one that has to see them.
She created them and now most of time I'm left alone thinking about them. Half of my heart away from me, being in her hug feeling the happiest but that half that is left with me turning blacker as time goes by.
But she is always there to bring life it it. To give the light that it needs and bring it to life, even if she actually isn't here but in the other side of a phone call.
"Please Kristy don't do this" I held her face and wiped the tears away before they managed to roll down her cheeks.
It's breaking me that I have to leave her but seeing this in that state is destroying me.
We spend all the time that we had left in the balcony. My things already packed and my suitcase placed in the living room.
Aleksi offered to drive us in the airport since Kristy wouldn't stay at home even if we both knew that it would be harder to leave if she came there.
In the whole drive she had her head on my shoulder and she kept our hands connected no matter what happened
Even when we were waiting for my flight she still didn't leave my side and even if I told her to leave because I could wait alone she didn't move a centimetre and didn't say anything to respond on this.
"It's time Kristy" I said and slowly got up when I heard them calling about my flight.
She was lost in her thoughts while we were sitting before that's why I had to shake her a bit.
"Hopefully I will see you soon" I said to Aleksi And shaked his hand
"Hope the same and have a safe flight Joel" he pat my shoulder and I thanked him
He's a nice guy after all and I really hope to see him soon too. We shared interesting conversations while I stayed with them
"Come on" I opened my arms and pulled her to a tight hug
"I don't want you to be sad Kristy please" I held her face and shaked her softly
"It's not easy to do you know" she said dramatically and I tried to laugh to show her that it's going to be okay
"I know but do it for me" i looked at her
"For us?" I tried to smile again but she pulled me for a long kiss
I don't even know if I'm going to miss my flight with all of this but it's the last thing I'm worried about.
"Please stay safe" she also held my face and kept our foreheads connected
"I will and you please be careful and take care" I kissed her again "and don't worry about your studies, I'm sure you will succeed" I kissed her forehead this time and softly moved away.
She was walking away while she still kept turning her head behind every step she took.
That's why I also started to walk away and decided that it was better if I didn't turn behind.
The flight seemed faster that it actually was. I'm glad that I also managed to have the window seat so I could look outside and this way my mind could fly away.
Niko couldn't come to pick me up from the airport since he was actually in Oulu helping Joonas pack this things because he was moving soon in Helsinki, so I took a taxi when I arrived in Finland.
Soon I was back in my apartment.
I was going up the stairs when I saw the door of the apartment that was in the same floor as mine opened and people were going up and down carrying things.
Seems like the people that live here are moving out. Let's see when will a new neighbor come.
I smiled at the man that was going down the stairs with a box in his arms and went inside my house.
I let my suitcase in my bedroom and went directly in the bathroom to take a shower so I could calm my nerves and muscles.
I didn't stay too long under the hot water even if it seemed like one year passed but the twenty minutes that I stayed were enough for me to relax.
I put on some clothes and went in the kitchen to cook something. I hadn't ate something for hours and I was starving.
I checked everything and realized that I need to go in the market soon because the only thing I could make now was some pasta, so I put some water to boil and took my phone
"Hey I'm back, how is packing going?" I send this message to Niko and then after adding some salt in the water and putting the pasta in the water I called Kristy.
"Hey" after some rings she answered the call
"Hello" I looked in my screen
She was sitting in the desk of her bedroom, maybe she was doing a assignment or she was studying about her following classes
"How was the flight?" She sounded like she closed her laptop and then looked directly in the camera "are you okay?"
"It was good" I said and turned around to check the pasta "I could be better but okay" I tried to laugh like I made a joke "what about you? Are you fine?" I asked because I'm still worried about the state that she was when I left
She wasn't fine and she showed it. I want to make sure that now she's feeling better
"Better than before but still missing you" she got her phone and got up.
She walked in her bed and sat there
She got used to me like I got with waking up next to her those last days so now it's not easy to live apart again but soon we will get used to it even if we know it's not the same as if she was here.
"What are you doing?" She asked when I turned around again to check if the pasta was ready
"Not the best chef but I'm cooking" I moved aside to show her and laughed.
This also caused her to chuckle and it brought a feeling of joy in my heart
"Can you believe that I also miss seeing the mess you made in the kitchen after trying to cook?" She said and her smile dropped again.
"Especially when we created this mess together"
We spend more than two hours talking till I decided to close the call because she seemed tired and tomorrow she had to wake up early and even if I traveled today I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep but she needs to get some rest so she won't be a walking zombie tomorrow instead of me that I'm sure that I will be exactly this thing.
Going to bed alone after sleeping with her for so many days seems so strange and it feels so different and the bed feels so cold and empty without her.
*Author's note
Finally after one week I found motivation and time to write a new chapter.
Also after some chapters
(probably 2 or 3)
we are getting some drama. Get ready for it
Enjoy 🖤