"Why did he allow us to get split up?"
As I pace the room, the words leave my mouth in a painful mumble. My legs burn, but I can't stay still, can't rest, can't stop. I barely could get myself to take a shower and change clothes. Sitting in a chair, Sam looks up, tired and weary of my questions.
"Callista-" He starts, but I shake my head.
"That wasn't a part of the plan. Why didn't he tell me the whole plan? He didn't even tell me he thought Shona had killed Jones' decoy. Why didn't he tell me? We worked for days on the plan. We worked on it together! We were supposed to trust each other to keep each other safe! I could have kept him safe if we'd never split up!"
I'm breathing heavily now, trying to get enough air as my eyes burn.
"She wouldn't have been able to go after us both at once. Even if she had enhanced speed, we could have—both of us would have had our pistols trained on her. She wouldn't have been able to hurt us, hurt him."
"This wasn't your fault."
I glare at him because that doesn't make the pain stop. It doesn't make it go away. It's just wasted words, wasted breath to tell me something I know but can't completely accept. "Stop saying that! We were supposed to have each other's backs, and now Tom is in surgery and nearly bled to death because of me! I never should have agreed to split up. That wasn't a part of the plan! I knew that. I had a bad feeling about it, but I did it anyway.
"What if I had stayed in the caves and didn't come until Tom called? What if I hadn't been able to distract Shona-"
"But you did," He interrupts. "You got to him in time. You carried him through those caves. You saved him."
My shoulders shake as my vision blurs. "He lost a lot of blood. I don't..."
I can't find words. I can't get out what I so badly need to say because I don't know what I need to say. It's so jumbled and chaotic and I hate it!
I hate it!
I grit my teeth and scream through them as my palms press into my eyes.
My chest heaves. Why does it hurt so much to breathe?
I don't know when Sam got up or walked towards me, but the second he wraps his arms around me, everything freezes. The silence that follows is agonizingly maddening.
I break.
"I can't let another one of my best friends die because of me," I sob, dropping my hands. "I couldn't take it."
"What do you mean?" Sam asks as he leads me to sit on one of the cots, holding onto me tightly as he does so.
I can't bring myself to say it outloud. But their names appear in my mind.
Wesley was my best friend, and he died because of my shitty aim. Caleb was my best friend, and I shot him, and then I blew up the Comansys flotilla with him on it.
And Peter—how many times has he almost died because of me? How many times has he actually died because of me? Over and over again.
How am I going to tell him about this?
Just the thought makes want to curl into a ball and die. This wasn't supposed to happen!
I can't speak about failing my friends, but I can't stop the other words that tumble from my mouth. "Shona chose Tom because he was infected with nanites. But she also chose to have him go with her because I told her that he and Janine were the two most important people on our team whenever she tried to talk to me about my importance. She did it because I told her. If I'd let her keep thinking I was important, maybe she would have wanted me to come with her."
"Seeing how Tom had a different plan, I doubt he would have let that happen," Sam replies, and I look at him with bleary eyes.
"He would have not wanted us to split up. Then this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't be nearly dead from blood loss!"
Sam frowns at me. "He's not going to die, Callista. He's going to be okay."
I want to believe that. It was just a flesh wound, a shot just below the knee, so close to the kneecap but not hitting the bone. I'm sure if it had been an inch higher, getting him out of there would have been even harder.
But there's a little whisper I hear that tells me how flesh wounds can turn into something worse. And everything with us somehow gets worse, goes wrong. Why would that be any different?
Sam rocks me back and forth in his arms as if that will do anything to calm the storm raging inside of me. It's a whirlwind of guilt, anger, and fear. It mounts and mounts and leaves a ringing, shirking sound in my mind that can't seem to make its way past my lips. The only things I can produce are more tears and the occasional whimper or sob.
I still cling to him like my life depends on it, fingers grubbing his shirt and leaving wrinkled fabric in its wake. His touch keeps me sane, as sane as I can be.
Soft footsteps meet my ears, and my head snaps up to see Jody in the doorway. Her eyes are red-rimmed, her small frame shaking with thinly veiled sorrow and poorly hidden rage.
"I'm so-" I start, but she cuts me off.
"Don't," She says, and my mouth clicks shut. "It's not you I'm mad at."
I nod, a bitter taste in my mouth. "Shona."
Her jaw clenches just at her name. "I'm going to kill her and every one of those bloody skincoats."
Her violent words shake the room. Sam fidgets but doesn't let me go. From his face, I think he'd rather die than let me go.
"How's Tom?" He asks, and Four shakes her head.
"Still in surgery. I..." She takes in a shaky inhale. "I think there's been a complication. No one's really said anythin', obviously, but I don't think it should be takin' this long."
She wipes her face hastily before looking at me. "And how are you, Five?"
"Wishing it had been me instead. And I'm not saying that for sympathy. You can be mad at me, you know. I wouldn't blame you."
"You're blaming yourself enough for the both of us," She replies casually, and I laugh. It's dry and lacks humor.
"Guess you're right." It's another multiple moments before I speak up again. "He kept telling me to leave him while in the caves." I won't meet anyone's eye, although I can feel their gaze on me. "He genuinely thought we were going to die down there, or that he was, anyway."
"But he didn't. That's what matters, Callista," Sam says.
I swallow as more tears run down my face. My nose feels stuffy. "I know."
I wish I knew how to put it into words. I wish I knew how to tell them why it hurts so much, why the guilt is so overwhelming even when I wasn't the one who shot Tom, nor was I the one who suggested splitting up. But nothing really feels right in my head. The words don't make sense if I say them out loud.
But Tom... has been left behind before. I've seen his memories. I know about the mission that led to him being captured and put into an Algerian prison cell. Yet I don't know anything about what happened while he was in that prison. He's told Jody about it, of course, but all Peter and I know about are the nightmares and the words carved into his skin. Some have been covered by tattoos, but most aren't.
But the nightmares that he told Peter and me about when we have our little meetups because sleep won't come to us all had one theme: getting left behind to be taken by the enemy. Sometimes being taken means torture, like how he was tortured. Sometimes the nightmares ended with him being killed. But each one started with the team he trusted—sometimes his original team on that mission and sometimes a group of different runners from Abel—leaving him behind to get captured.
I'm not stupid. I know Tom was afraid in those caves, in the dark, in pain. He still tried to get me to leave him.
I'm sure being left to die at the hands of the skincoats, his worst nightmare coming true, would have been a death far worse than what Shona had tried to give him. He must have known this. He must have known the terror it would bring him in his final moments, yet he was willing to go through it because he thought it would give me a better chance of getting away.
It physically hurts to be on the receiving end of such brilliant selflessness.
God, please, I silently pray. Please don't let him die. You can save him. You can make him better. Please.
A Bible verse comes to mind, one I haven't read in a while. I honestly haven't read my Bible in a long minute since neither Sam nor I brought ours with us when we came here. We thought we'd be here no more than a few days. We didn't want to risk anything happening to them when they were so hard to find in the first place.
Still, I remember the verse clearly, the words painting across my mind like ink on a canvas.
"Ah Lord God! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee:"
-Jeremiah 32:17
I know in the long run, our lives are insignificant, gone within the blink of an eye in how God perceives time. That doesn't stop me from begging silently for God to spare Tom's life and give him more time, another blink of an eye in his perspective.
Please. Please, God. Don't let him die.
"Did you really plan this all out?" Jody asks, and my brown eyes snap to meet her green ones. "To question Shona?"
I lick my dry and cracked lips before I speak. "We... yeah. We planned on returning to where she met us, hoping it would make her open up to us more. But then Shona suggested we slit up. I didn't want to. I was scared it would be a-a trap or something. I thought Shona would try to run off and tell her dad about us questioning her or something, but Tom went along with it. Ordered me to stay in the caves.
"I already figured something was up well before then, so I started running back as quickly as possible before he told me to get up there. It's a good thing I did. I never would have made it otherwise." I rub my face. "I just don't understand why he decided to switch up the plan like that."
"Do you want the truth, Five?" Jody asks, and I look at her, brows knit together. What an odd question to ask. Still, I nod. "I don't think Tom was diverting from the plan at all. I think just like he hid what he suspected Shona of, he also planned on you two splitting up and you being alone—a backup if he needed it, but safe in the caves if he didn't."
I blink at her once, twice. "But-but why?! Why did he even bring me if he was just planning on leaving me in a cave?"
"You did go to him already planning on interrogating Shona," Sam says. "Maybe he thought you wouldn't be led into a trap if you were with him."
I grit my teeth. "It's because he still doesn't seem to think I'm careful enough with my own mortality. Stupid! I was a runner before Van Ark's experiments, you know. And it took years before they actually made me immortal in the first place."
"You can't blame him," Jody says. Her voice is gentle, eyebrows furrowing just a bit. "I mean, he made a promise-"
"Promise?" I interrupt. "He's mentioned that before, vaguely. What promise?"
Jody's big eyes blink in shock. "I—what?"
"What promise, Four?" I ask, my voice dangerously low.
Jody is mortified. "You really don't know?"
"I think I've made it abundantly clear that I don't." I glance over at Sam, and he holds his hands up in surrender before wrapping them around me again.
"Don't look at me," He says. "I'm just as confused as you. I mean, I know you've made some promises-"
"Yeah, you made one to Peter about bringing Janine back safely, no matter the cost," Jody says, and I gape at her in shock. How does she know about that?
"And she made one to Peter to find a way to save Tom after he got infected with the nanites," Sam adds, and I would smack him on the arm if my focus wasn't on the blonde in front of me.
I frown at her. "Who told you about my promise to Peter before we came here?"
"Tom did."
My frown deepens. "And how the hell did Tom figure that out?"
"Peter told him."
I choke. "W-why would he-"
"Peter knows that when you said you'd bring her back no matter the cost, you meant it, even if it ended up costing you your own life." Jody pinches the bridge of her nose, seeming annoyed that I've been oblivious to this this whole time. "Peter and Tom are close friends too, you know. So that's who he went to, told him about your promise, made him promise he would keep you from getting yourself killed. With how you've been immortal for so long, he was afraid you'd do something stupid and not realize you're in danger until it's too late.
"And even if you didn't, Peter was afraid you'd still get yourself killed trying to keep your word. Tom thought so too. Well, he thought at the very least you wouldn't actually understand that you can die now, so he promised Peter to keep you safe. He may make jokes that you aren't that close of friends, but Tom does consider you one. Peter too."
"That was a dumb mistake on Peter's part, thinking she'd die to keep her word. Callista's awful at keeping her promises," Sam says flatly, and his words would have stung if I wasn't reeling over what had just been told to me.
This entire time Tom's been worried and protecting me was because Peter made him swear to keep me alive because he was afraid I'd get myself killed trying to keep everyone else alive. Tom's been putting himself in harm's way all this time because he and Peter didn't think I would keep myself alive now that I'm mortal.
"Callista, are you alright?" Jody asks. "You've gone really pale."
I wriggle out of Sam's grasp, standing shakily. The air in the room is suddenly hot, suffocating.
"I-I need a minute." My words come out in a jumble of words as I race out the door, the world around me tilting and turning.
I know I can't get far, not with the skincoats still about, but I have to get out of here. Anywhere away from here. Just somewhere where I won't feel like the walls are closing in on me.
•
That somewhere ends up being the front porch of the medical center. I only get that far for two reasons. One: After running all day and then pacing around the med bay like a maniac for who knows how long, my legs give out on me the second I try to make a run for it. Two: Nicole, who has been violently guarding the door, not allowing a single person in or out for fear they might be a skincoat trying to get in to hurt one of our team, threatened to shoot me in the leg if I so much as took a single step off this porch.
She reasoned that putting myself in danger would help no one, looking pissed off at me and just about everyone else.
So I've just been sitting here on the porch, watching the rain as it pours. It's nothing too serious, not nearly stormy enough to reflect my mood, but I can smell it in the air.
"Are you going to finally get off your knees?" Nicole asks, brow raised.
"Are you going to finally stop nagging me if I do?" I snark back, and she narrows her eyes at me.
"Look, Singer, I get that you're upset-"
"No, you don't get it. You don't get it at all," I snap, whipping my gaze around to glare daggers at her. She doesn't flinch, but the slight twitch in her expression tells me my outburst shocked her. "When one of your best friends gets horribly injured and you have to drag him through a bunch of caves and nearly die in the process, then you can say you get it."
"You do remember I almost died around a month ago."
I scowl. "Yeah, you. Not someone you cared about. Not someone you wish you could trade places with because you feel like it should have been you."
Her face hardens. "While I'm sure things aren't looking great right now, we don't have time for your stupid guilt complex to take over and have you blaming yourself and wishing you were the one that got hurt. That's not going to do anything but make you feel bad. And honestly, your pity party is doing nothing but annoying me. I did have some sympathy for you earlier today, but it's rapidly fading the more and more you decide to be a bitch."
A mocking laugh rumbles in my chest. "I'm the bitch?"
"You're being one right now. People get shot, Singer. That's just the way things are now. Has been for years. People get hurt, and sometimes those people are the people you care about. It hurts. It's not fun. It does a number on your mental health. But you can't just go hysterical every time it happens because it will not get you anywhere."
She sighs, her shoulders slumping slightly. "Commander De Luca is your friend. You care about him. And I know you've had to see many people you care about get hurt or die. It's natural to be upset, but getting mad at everyone else or letting yourself spiral into thinking it's all your fault isn't going to do anything but make you feel worse. You need to stop freaking yourself out about him and focus on what you learned about the enemy."
My blood burns under my skin as I think about her. "Shona."
She tricked all of us, getting us to believe she was on our side and wanted to stop all this. How stupid we were, not once thinking it could have been her when the evidence showed it could have been her or her father.
How often has this happened? How often have we trusted someone only for them to lie to us, betray us? I grit my teeth, anger burning inside me like a roaring fire as I think about her words—what she said about Ellie, how she had the control box and was the one making Janine sick this whole time.
I know Jody said she was going to kill her. I won't steal that opportunity away from her, but that doesn't mean I won't shoot her in the leg first as repayment for what she did to Tom and what she put us through in those caves.
"She'd make a good Torrencer; I'll give her that," Nicole mutters, lips pinching. "Did very well in the role she was trying to convince us she was. She knew not to play as a coward, but rather someone with too much confidence and not enough experience, something believable. And she knew when you and the Commander were onto something. Not her, but something. And she knew she couldn't really lie her way out of it, so she singled out the weakest link and tried to eliminate him. She must have figured you wouldn't make it in time."
"She figured I was in on Tom's plan on thinking she was working for her dad, asking her those questions," I say in realization. "She thought I'd listen to him exactly."
She clicks her tongue. "Smart. And I think I understand why she didn't kill him or have her little skincoat friends kill him when he fell in that rock fall. If they'd have taken the time to kill him, even if you didn't get there on time, I don't doubt you would have gone after them. And I remember how you are to people who hurt the people you care about." She chuckles. "Commander De Luca was actually on the receiving end of that once when you partially blamed him for when Sam 'died.' I helped you figure out where to find him, remember? And I wasn't around when Milo's twin got bitten, but I was told what you did to that bandit."
She picks at her nails, shrugs. "And I remember what you did for Wes and me while in America. I was never supposed to know, but I was also never supposed to be a Torrencer. I'm not saying that the skincoats knew what you were like, but we have been telling quite a few stories about our grand adventures. It's no secret that you're always right in the middle of them. If they'd killed him then, you would have chased them down, and I imagine you would have had much better aim in the light of day than in a dark cave."
"Shona knew exactly how long to hold out before letting her secret out," I mumble, the words making my heart sink. How stupid we were, playing right into her hand.
"Yeah..." Nicole drags out the word. "But there is one good thing to the obscene amount of talking she seemed to do while you and De Luca were down there. She was expecting you two to die. Or really, for De Luca to die, and you to become... I guess a V-Type vessel or something. I don't know." She waves her hand. "Anyway, the point is, while some of the stuff she told us isn't exactly usable, like the knowledge that she had the Colonel's control box, she does prove the theory that the silver mud is what keeps people human. We already saw that it's helping me a little. Now we just have to figure out how it's really supposed to be used to keep everyone from becoming V-Type.
"Shona said that this happens 'come this season,' so this must happen every year. But if so, then we would have had a V-Type problem way longer than just when you found Loki's version in the mainland caves. The people here have a way of stopping it. We just need to figure out what they do and replicate it."
"But we don't know how to do that," I reply.
"Not yet." She pauses and thinks. "Now that Shona's let her mask slip, it will keep slipping. She'll give us something to work with."
I snort. "I don't think Shona even has the mask anymore. She became an entirely different person after she told us what she was. I think she's taken the mask and thrown it off a cliff into the sea. She was mocking us as we were running."
Nicole's eyes widen in interest. "So she was cocky?"
"Yeah."
A grin spreads across her face. "Even better. People who are cocky and think they've won let more things slip because they think they're guaranteed the victory. And since this is the first time Shona's even shown her true power, we know this isn't her being cocky in the way someone who has all the cards and isn't about to show them is. She showed that by telling you so much in the caves."
I stare at Nicole. "You think she's going to be her own downfall?"
"I think she will give us more than she thinks she will. And we'll bring her downfall."
The door to the center opens, and both of us turn to look at Jody as she walks out. Her eyes meet mine, and I feel the blood drain from my face when I see the tears on hers.
"Four?" I ask. I wish I had the strength to push myself up to my feet, but I can do nothing but stare up at her helplessly from where I am on my knees.
"How's the Commander?" Nicole asks, getting Jody to look at her for a quick moment.
"He's... he's alive," She says, and I feel my heart sink lower in my chest because alive does not mean okay. "But his leg... Shona had cave water flood in when he and Callista were in the caves, yeah? Since his wound wasn't wrapped properly, and the water was dirty, and Tom's immune system was already weak because of the nanites..."
Her voice breaks, and my stomach lurches.
"It got infected so quickly, and they had to take it. The wound was too close to the knee. There was no way to get that area of his leg without messing with the knee bone, which would have made things worse... so it was taken off too. The doctors said it was better for him to lose part of his leg than his life."
Jody looks like she's about to start crying again, and Nicole is watching her with eyes wide in shock. I try to say something, anything, but the words are stuck in my throat. My chest burns like I've been stabbed with a hot knife, and the hand holding it is twisting.
"He's still out of it, heavy sedatives and pain killers. He's alive, but... he's obviously not going to be able to do much at the moment." She wipes her face with her hands before looking at me, her anguish morphing into a blistering rage. "We're going to stop her. Shona won't get away with this!"
Her anger is contagious because I can feel my cheeks turning red from my building wrath. "No, she won't."
I don't care if I have to tear this entire island apart, be it sand, dirt, or fungus-infested rock. I don't care if I have to go hand to hand with every skincoat at once and tear them apart with my bare hands. I don't care what it takes. I'm taking Shona and everyone who follows the red god down.
And it will end in blood and screams.
"May God have mercy on Shona and the skincoats," I say, meeting Jody's furious stare, "because we won't."
A/N: Poor Tom. Can't seem to catch a break. Also maybe it's just me, but I absolutely love Nicole for calling out Callista out because like I love my main girl but she needs called out sometimes because she's too dramatic with constantly blaming herself. A horrible flaw honestly.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day!