Word count: 3119
Read time: about 10 minutes
Originally adapted from Tumblr
For: crimson_simp11 :)) I know it's not the Danny X Reader I promised, but I'm working on that too!!
TW for: suicide/self-harm or intrusive thought themes in this story. This is intended to be 14+. Hope you enjoy :)) please let me know if you'd like to see more, I had an amazing time writing this.
Chapter 1
Danny walked across the sweeping fields of dark blue flowers he didn't recognize. They all had a soft sheen in the starlight that only seemed to grow stronger as it got darker, making them seem as if they were breathing softly in the wind. The night air was cool on his face, making him feel more alive than ever as he walked through the grass.
Distantly, a voice called to him, muffled and slighted by the water-like sky. It was faint and distant; like the cool splash of water on your cheek after you've just gotten out of bed, distant with residual sleep.
He turned towards the voice, still straining to catch the sound with his ears.
Although he could not see anything, he could sense something. A warm presence, gentle and familiar, surrounded him and drew him towards the direction he thought would lead him astray, somewhere in his mind. He followed the feeling with only a slight bit or hesitance for where he was going until he saw a familiar small farmhouse set in the distance. As soon as the sight of the house reached his eyes, he knew there was no turning back.
"M-mom---" He shouted, breaking into a run. he recognized the old house; he would recognize it anywhere though he hadn't lived there in years. the ground began to give beneath, heaving like a desperate gasp for air. Danny desperately tried to keep up, keeping his mind focused on the soft singing that grew clearer with every step.
"Hey!! It---it's me!!"
Finally, a figure appeared in front of the door, blocking his path.
It was a man with light brown hair slicked tightly behind his ears, a slightly graying mustache to match. He wore a casual black button-down and a pair of brown shoes that looked like they had been haphazardly discarded for years.
"Oh, there you are." The man avoided looking at Danny, who's small frail body was also dressed in funeral attire. "Let's get this over with," He grunted, still refusing to meet Danny's gaze.
The scene had changed; a church with chipping blue paint; a horde of well-dressed children leering at Danny, pointing at his eyepatch, which he hadn't bothered to attempt to hide with his hair.
His dress shoes crunched on the gravel.
"hey--- look it's one-eye!!"
"cyclops!"
"freak!!"
"Shut up--- shut up, shut up----" Danny shook his head. He looked up; they were gone. it was just an empty lawn in front of a peeling blue church that heaved and groaned with the wind blowing through its' many breaches.
He ran to the nearest open window of the dilapidated structure.
The man was nowhere in sight. "Hey!" he cried, slamming his fist against the glass as hard as his tiny body would allow him. He felt tears sting the corners of his eyes. he'd made if. He'd found her, she was there-! But everyone else was seated. Why was he outside, shouldn't he be in the cathedral too, sitting with the rest of his family--
"Stop."
a commanding yet frail voice shook Danny to his core.
He turned to the woman now seated next to him in the freezing church. She smiled sadly at him. She was sitting cross-legged in her loose blue nightdress, her very favorite dress- "Why do you mourn me, son?...." She scowled, digging her nails into her own throat, drawing blood. Her face turned ashen, her nails turned into a rough rope--- She began to choke out her words, spitting up blood- "You were the reason of my death you useless! worthless!---"
Chapter 2
He awoke gasping and sweating, sweat soaking his skin and clinging to his shirt uncomfortably. His heart hammered in his chest and he struggled to take a deep breath.
"Mama--" He shouted into uncomfortable darkness.
Years rolled down his face as he rushed to turn on the light and run to the bathroom.
He dry heaved over the toilet, certain if nothing else came up he would bring his own self-hatred to the surface.
When he finally stood he leaned against the wall, his arms crossed protectively over his midsection. It took everything he had to stay upright and not collapse again.
In the mirror above the sink, he was met with a sight he hadn't seen in decades. His normally pale face was blotchy and red from crying; eyes rimmed with tears and hair disheveled from running his hands through it.
A shaky sigh left his lips. "I don't know how long I can go like this."
His eyes were wide and staring in shock. His hands were clenched, his fingernails cutting crescent shapes into his palm. It had been a long time since he'd let himself become vulnerable enough to have another nightmare about his past..
He took one shaky breath and closed his eyes.
The image was burned into his memory. He couldn't forget. Not even when he tried.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It was all my fault, I ruined everything Mama.."
His eyes were sunken in and puffy from exhaustion; but worst of all, he was shaking, physically shaking. He couldn't let anyone see him like this: weak, small.. helpless. He was open to any attack, broken as he was. Tears rolled down his cheeks as his trembling fingers attempted to scrub off the puffiness of his face.
How pathetic, sobbing like a child over nightmares caused by someone who wasn't there anymore. Who wasn't even there to begin with.
He didn't deserve to cry over someone he hardly remembered. Someone who was barely more than a figment of his imagination.
Yet, here he was, convincing himself that she was still here, still hating him. That maybe one day he would wake up and find that she was actually holding his hand, that she had forgiven him for being a failure and would be singing him a lullaby like all the other kids got.
Or better yet, that he was never a failure at all. His parents would still be together. they'd be happy. She never would have died.. never, if not for him. It was all his fault. He was the problem; but that was a mistake 36 years too late. Now he was just the adult embodiment of his fears and weaknesses.
Danny found out the hard way that there was no such thing as forgiveness in such a cruel world.
Chapter 3
Finally finding the strength to collect himself, Danny got dressed and ready for work. He agreed last-minute to working a long shift; he was glad for the distraction. Sure, the distraction came in the form of patients who bat and hit at him and his nurses, but he found that easier to deal with than his own mind.
He worked his usual morning shift, then stopped in the "lunch break" they had at 7 for the night-shift workers to get a coffee to calm his nerves.
After he'd finished his drink, he decided to leave. The streets were quiet this early and he had a full schedule to fill up the rest of his day. After he got a cup of hot, caffeinated tea in hand he felt confident enough to put on his usual chatty air, playing off his abnormal silence as morning grumpiness to those who asked.
He was well-respected in the hospital, and was regarded as one of the kindest psychiatrists in the area by many of his patients.
He hummed, singing a simple classical piece to himself while he walked around the 4th floor.
He stopped in front of his office, taking his green plastic cup from his mouth. His eyebrows furrowed in concern. His door was ajar. It should have been locked, he always locked it before leaving.
...Unless..was he deceiving himself? He was of course off of his game today, but when was the last time he'd made a mistake like this?
"Who's in here?" He called.
To his shock, footsteps met his ears although he received no true reply.
He swung the door the rest of the way open with a bang.
"HEY--- WHO'S IN--- Oh. It's just you." An older woman in a medical gown looked up at him with shock, dropping the papers she was collecting off of his desk.
"S-sir?" She asked in a frail voice. "What are you doing in this office?"
"Hilda, this is my office. You must go back to your room now," He said in a firm tone.
"Oh, no sir, this isn't your office!! I'm I'm assistant here, it's Mr.shepa... huh. Are you sure it's your office?" She looked up at Danny with a confused expression, not seeming to recognize the office anymore.
"Yes Hilda, it's my office. You haven't worked for Mr. Shepard in a long time. Let's go back to your room now, okay?" Danny said tenderly. She was a long-term patient of his, although her dementia had taken most of her memories of him anyway.
"Oh dear.. I'm sorry." She looked tearfully at the doctor, seemingly to once again lose herself and the tears stopped. "Oh...What are we doing again?"
"Just walking to your room."
"Ok."
...
"Dr. Dickens-- Oh! Hello there!" A young girl wearing scrubs appeared from around a corner, her eyes bright as she held up an old blue notebook. She smiled brightly.
"Hiya." He smiled back warmly, returning the wave she gave him. She seemed like a nice girl; certainly much more cheerful than his old friend.
"Are you here the doctor taking care of Hilda Daubin today?" She asked, looking up at him with curious eyes.
"Yeah, I am."
"Oh that's wonderful! She's my great aunt. I'm here to visit her, but I can't find her new room."
"Oh! Yes the hospital's rearrangement has been quite the shuffle for all of us.. just today I found your aunt in my office!" He laughed. "Well, she's in her room right now. I'll show you where it is."
"Thanks."
They walked side by side, chatting idly about their days.
Danny had only known her by her relation to Hilda, but they had never personally met.
He listened to her, letting her ramble with an occasional mumble of agreeance or polite shock as they walked the long colorful halls. He was willing to listen to anything she wanted to talk about, as he didn't have many aqaintences, much less friends. He thought perhaps it might be good for them both, to get to know each other better.
It's a lovely place you got here. It seems a bit crowded with these people coming in and all." She nodded toward the large crowd of visitors standing in the aptly named waiting room, talking to each other with varying levels of excitement and anticipation.The wait was always longer to see patients in the psychiatric ward, much to the staff's chagrin.
She stopped suddenly, breaking Danny back out of his thoughts. "Here's Auntie's room. Thanks again Doctor." She smiled cheerily before turning away.
"Not a problem. Have a nice evening." He waved goodbye before starting his way back toward the entrance of the hall that led to the ER, waiting for an incoming patient from the local *crisis relief teams.
He turned around briefly after he'd gotten far enough, checking on his new patient. She was sitting quietly on the bed reading the book he'd given her, still silent. She hadn't spoken a word to him nor any other staff since she came, self-admitting herself for intrusive thoughts. She reminded him a lot of Rachel. Oh, how he missed Rachel...
Although he had been lucky enough to escape the burning ruins of Gray's horrible experiment, no one else had, in one way or another. Cathy, Eddie, and Gray all died that day, their charred remains broadcasted being wheeled out of the rubble in body bags, although he was certain at that temperature there wasn't much for them to collect anyway. Danny himself had not been the luckiest, sustaining many brutal injuries...but.. he was alive. Alive in some ways, but mentally? He was barely surviving.
He had been managing, somehow, in some dark corner of his mind that knew he had to live, for Rachel.
But then.. the news came. 6 months later, Rachel Gardener, the now 14-year old who had been residing in a mental health retreat... Had committed suicide.
Danny was broken. So, absolutely broken.
By some cruel twist of fate, he and Zack were the only ones surviving; Danny had watched his trials intently, sobbing on the day after the appeal when they had announced it was final; Zack was given the death penalty.
Even though it had been almost three months since that verdict, was reached, he was hoping it would be changed at the appeal.
But no.
It was just Danny.
Just Danny.
Just one person to shoulder all of the burden of that place.. he had played such a role. He recruited Gray's angels; he watched the beginning of this tragedy; and now he was forced to watch the dark result of his sins.
Oh god... He should never have brought her there.
never
never
Never!!!
But he did. And now Rachel was dead, all because because him. Everyone was dead because of him. His mother, his friends, everyone. He was all alone.
And now he had to face the music.
He collapsed to the hospital floor sobbing.
The patient looked up at him with a mild, continuous expression, before returning to her book as if nothing had happened.
Many of the staff members stared at him, watching as he picked himself up and pretended he was fine.
"S-sorry!!" He sniffled with a smile. "Just a bad fall."
His supervisor who had been in the adjacent room put a hand on his shoulder.
"You should go on home for today."
"it's not that serious, really! And what about all these patients--"
"Daniel." He said firmly. "Go home. Get some rest. If you have to take a couple days off I'll understand. I don't know what's wrong and it's none of my business, but you look like you need a break.
Danny nodded.
"Yessir."
Chapter 4
Danny sighed, flopping down on his sofa. It was pointless to resist the sleep his body oh-so-desired, but his mind was awake and running. He didn't want to have another nightmare, another terror that would inevitably consume his mind.
But.. he had no other choice.
With one arm under his pillow, his head laying over the back of the sofa, he started scrolling through his phone. The screen was cracked and the background color slightly faded, but it was his sole comfort in times like these.
His phone buzzed loudly, interrupting his peaceful moment.
Ah...another one. Another page to the hospital. Well, he'd just have to call in. He had rarely missed a day; it wouldn't hurt him.
He hadn't even gotten to the call button when his phone finally died.
"Uuh.." He got up, breaking his slight sleepiness.
He called the hospital from his home phone, letting them know he was missing this page and was calling in tomorrow too.
He groaned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Maybe... it was time for a change. Maybe it was time to uproot from this dull and colorless city and explore. Go somewhere new. Danny hadn't moved since Gray's experiment. In fact, aside from that, Danny had lived in the same area his whole life, every place he'd been within 3 hours of his hometown.
Even if he had lived in that same area his whole life, he was completely isolated from others. No real bonds, no real relationships..
He needed something new to take his mind off all the crap happening in his life, the constant anxiety, and the constant fear of being caught.. it wasnt as if he had stopped collecting eyes. If anything, he went looking for victims more furiously than ever, trying to fill the void that Rachel left.
He stood in front of the bathroom mirror, gazing at his reflection. His skin, despite its usual pale appearance, had a sickly tinge to it; it was as if all the colour had been drained from his normally tan skin tone. The skin above the bridge of his nose was discoloured, making his half-rimmed silver glasses pop out more prominently. The stubble covering his face had grown in uncomfortably, his hair looked duller and his lips more sunken than ever.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply, shaking his head.
He had so little hope left. All of this was too much to handle. He was too tired to think anymore. Tired to breathe. Tired to do anything really.
He hastily got to work on shaving until he looked just as clean-cut as he used to, just a year ago.
Yes, that was it, that was all he needed, was a little inspiration!!
He settled right then and there, packing a small duffle bag with a few essentials and loading his car with clothes and boxes of his "collection" as he called it. He jumped in, eagerly setting the car to drive. He was going to keep going and going and going until the day he found a reason to settle down. He wouldn't be getting his affairs in order. His plan was to simply, disappear. Let the world burn behind him, and all his sins and regrets with it.
He halted to a stop before he exited the apartment's gate.
Rolling down his window he shouted,
"Goodbye, everyone! Goodbye Gray, Goodbye Zack, Goodbye Cathy, Goodbye Eddie!! And..." He paused. "goodbye, Rachel." He added in a softer tone before speeding out onto the highway.
------
Well, that was chapters one through four!! Think I should continue? who knows where Danny will end up.. Hope you enjoyed it!! ---Kaori
*Crisis Relief Team: Crisis relief teams are organizations that you may be able to call in your area for several reasons, such as feeling like you are going to self harm or feel that another person is, or you or others are in danger from someone close to you (i.e, someone with a mental illness who becomes violent)