Sometimes, loving someone makes you feel like losing yourself. The efforts, hard works, comforts, waiting times, even your dreams with him are not worth it in the end, it makes you regret things you should have done instead.
This time, I'll focus on myself, making the most out of what I can do.
That time when Chris approached us and said "So, kayo na ba?"
Khael answered "YES", I was shocked at what he answered and I just walked away.
Susundan ako ni Mikhael but Chris stopped him and said "Let's leave her alone for a while"
That day was so painful for me, I just went home and locked myself in my room for the whole day
I can hear mom calling me many times and even knocked at my door repeatedly but I just want to sleep, be lonely and forget everything.
Hindi namamalayan ang oras, gabi na pala, it was 6:45 PM, I went out my room and asked mama if I can go out for a while
"Ma, punta lang ako kina Darlene"
I left the house at 7:00, I called Darlene kung nasaan siya
"Bes, nasaan ka? Can we have a date 😊?"
"Sure bes, minsan lang to ee, where to go?"
"Kahit saan basta kasama ka" with laughing emoji at the end.
So I met with Darlene sa plaza, we bought foods and drinks and just sat down there and talked.
"Kamusta ka bes? Are you okay na?" she said.
"I admit hindi, mahirap paring tanggapin, even though never kami nagkaroon ng relationship but I know we loved each other back then, hindi ko alam kung hanggang ngayon"
"Maybe you should let him go, it's been 5 years already, andami nang nangyare sa mga buhay natin, nakayanan mo nga during those days na wala siya, hindi mo siya nakikita at nakakasama"
"Yes I know bes, pero hindi lang yung about kay Chris ang concern ko, I'm also confused about how I feel with Khael now, I was happy na bumalik si Chris pero bakit parang meron at meron paring dahilan para hindi kami magkaroon ng happy ending, iniisip ko nga baka hindi nga talaga kami para sa isa't isa, what if si Khael talaga bes, nagbulag-bulagan lang ako?"
"I saw how sincere si Khael sayo, but the fact na binalikan ka ni Chris at dinedeny nya mga issues, what if hindi talaga totoo at talagang he fixed himself first bago ka niya balikan?"
"Hindi ko na alam bes, magulo na talaga ang isip ko ngayon"
"Please choose yourself this time, while everything is uncertain, at least be sure about yourself, about how you feel, about your future plans, about your future life"
"I think you're right! This time, it will be ME"
Darlene and I talked more about life and our future plans, we're already 22 and we're old enough to worry about love, we must worry about life.
I was a private teacher near our place, it's been 2 years already since I employed there, at first, I plan to teach in a private school for three years but since I want to achieve my plans earlier and as soon as possible, I resigned and seek opportunity in the government.
I took the risk and began improving myself, I took a lot of lessons, different workshops and trainings for professional and self-development.
I enrolled in different classes that can add points to my application.
I made myself busy night and day just to be the person I really want to be, to be a professional teacher, meet more people, students, learnings and opportunities.
For three months I earned some points for my application and I ranked 11th in the Registry of Qualified Applicants for Teachers Division-wide.
Those times that I kept myself busy, I felt that I am myself, it was who I am, hardworking woman with a dream.
Sabi nga nila "Your taste in people will change when you learn to love yourself"
So as I start to love myself and improve every day, I suddenly forgot about Chris or Khael. I can say that I already moved on during those times.
I'm glad I did.
I'm glad I chose myself above all.
Not until one Sunday, I attended a high mass, there was an event that day, it was a celebration of the Vocation Month and a lot of people from different provinces attended the holy mass.
I went there alone, and I made sure to offer a Thanksgiving prayer for passing the RQA.
Usually kasi kapag nagsisimba kami, always kami umuupo doon sa center row para kitang kita namin yung presider or yung pari, in that way, mas naiintidihan namin yung gospel and homily.
I knelt down for a while and prayed, I prayed a lot about my family, my career, about everything that bothers me.
Then after a second, I heard the bell ringing repeatedly which means the mass was about to start.
"All rise" the commentator said
As I was staring at the altar, the priests, sacristans and other religious are already walking towards the altar.
Dahil nga nasa center ako, kitang kita ko yung mga magproprocession.
I remembered that day when I watch the men walk papuntang altar, one of them was so familiar, he was wearing long white gown holding a golden stick with candles on top of it.
Hindi ko makalimutan yung kanyang mukhang sobrang liwanag dahil sa hawak hawak niyang kandila, tila ba ako'y nabighani at nagulat.
He was walking seriously and reverently while focusing on the altar.
He was about to pass beside me, nakatitig lang ako sa kanya then biglang hindi ko namalayan, nabitawan ko yung aking purse at lumagpas siya outside the seats, dahil sa hiya, I was just standing there, hindi ko alam kung ipipick up ko na ba or later nalang?
Tinginan ang mga tao sa tabi at likuran ko kaya wala akong choice kundi puntahan at pulutan yung bag.
As I pick up the back on the floor, dali dali akong tumayo at bibilisan sanang bumalik sa aking upuan nang biglang....
Khael and I bumped into each other, We became the center of destruction, nasira ko yung procession nila, even the candle he was holding ay nahulog.
The rest of the men continued walking but Khael stopped, dropped the candle and help me stand.
He grabbed my shoulders and escorted my on my seat then he continued walking towards the altar.
I know napaka dramatic ng eksenang yung but it really happened, it was so embarrassing.
Is that what we call destiny or just a coincidence?
Tila ba ginamit ng tadhana yung bag na yun para magtagpo muli ang aming mga landas.
After the mass, I was looking for him, we met again in a very rare instance. But I'm glad he became a religious person.
I saw him walk towards the convent with three other men, I don't know how to approach him so I just waved my hand as a sign of goodbye dahil nga uuwi na sana ako.
He saw me, he talked to his friends and he came to me.
Sobrang kinakabahan ako, I don't know what to say, hindi ako alam kung paano ulit ako haharap sa kanya after ko siya binusted.
As he walks slowly towards me, parang nakikita ko yung future husband ko, someone whom I can really rely on, he became such a good comfort when I'm hurt, he never asked me to love him back, he never begged me to give him a single chance, he just asked for a minute, a dance and a small attention.
That's him, Khael.
In my thoughts, I will not avoid him, this time hindi ko na pipigilan ang sarili ko.
"Hai, mukhang magpapari kana ha?" I said sabay tumawa ng mahina.
"Nasa process palang ako Aika"
"Oh that's good! So how are you?"
"I'm getting better, I'm getting over you"
Why does it felt like, I'm about to lose someone again? Huli na din ba ang lahat for the two of us?
Bakit ba kasi kung kelan huli na ang lahat, tsaka ko marerealize na mahal ko na pala yung tao? This will be the second time but I hope it's not over yet.
Bigla ko nalang nasabi yung "Don't" I have to be brave for my feelings.
"What do you mean, don't?"
"Uhmmm, please don't get over me, we're not over yet, are we?"
"If you need someone to talk to, you can just talk to me anytime but please don't make me feel like we're more than that"
"Kahit kailan talaga ako parin yung inaalala mo Mikhael, I'm not talking to you because I need someone to talk to, I just missed you😊"
"How about Chris?"
"Noong isinayaw mo ako during our reunion, you told me to only think and look at you kapag magkasama tayo, but now, why bring up that name?"
He then suddenly closed his eyes and told me
"I'm about to do something Aika, I'm sorry"
"What is it?"
"Magpapari na ako"
Upon hearing that, I just smiled at him and said....
"Go on, if it's God's will for you, then don't refuse, give your heart to it, I'll support you like how you've been there for me throughout the years"
In my heart it was a bit painful
He then said goodbye and asked me a favor.