It's not Xie Lian's fault he knew exactly who was in front of him, as soon as he saw them.
It's really not his fault for calling them out on it either. He wasn't trying to be rude. But when you know someone well you learn their aura, and that will follow them no matter what they change.
So here he is, staring between Feng Xin and Mu Qing. "Your highness... are you going to say something?" Feng Xin asks slightly concerned.
"Sorry I just..." he trails off. Perhaps he'd been staring too long. It's not his fault. He's shocked and amazed and slightly confused. Maybe he should be concerned?
"Why would you volunteer to help me... you don't..." Xie Lian sighs frustrated. Are they here to mock him? It's not really Feng Xin's style and he can't see Mu Qing mocking him other than sarcastic comments that come from a sort of caring place?
Does Xie Lian even hold a place within them anymore? Great he just ascended again, Jun Wu called for his help, he has a huge debt to pay off, and now he's facing his ex friends who "volunteered".
Mu Qing is clearly fed up already huffing at the prince. "We don't what? Want to be here? Well tough we're here."
Feng Xin glares at the other. Xie Lian just laughs it off. "Ah my Qing you haven't changed." He giggles reaching for his tea. He feels more at ease now. "Anyway you two, I don't know what could have possibly possessed you to travel here with me of all people, but we are not as we once were. You have no obligation to... to..."
Xie Lian tilts his head. "Why are you looking at me like that?" The two generals gape looking angry in Mu Qing's case and shocked in Feng Xin's. "You know who we are?" Mu Qing asks almost offended.
Xie Lian scratches his cheek. "Ah is this about earlier when I asked who you were? Sorry I couldn't recognise you properly but it's not because I forgot you, it's just... ah it's been a while hasn't it." He says sounding much sadder than when he started his sentence.
Feng Xin sighs. "It has been a long time, but I think the question was, you recognised us even in this form." "Oooh." Xie Lian nods. "Of course, no matter what you look like I'll always be able to tell it's you. I know your aura too well."
Mu Qing stands up suddenly. "This was stupid. Why did I bother?" He asks before stomping off. The princes smile falls but Xie Lian doesn't try to stop him. "You won't stop him your highness?" Feng Xin asks. Xie Lian shakes his head. "What good will it do? He hates me. Besides when has begging him to stay ever worked before?" Feng Xin grows silent.
"Feng Xin, I won't ask you to leave again, but if you're here because you hold regret of some kind, rest assured I have no ill will against either of you. I hold no feelings of negativity."
The god smiles cheerfully. "I don't have the right to hold a grudge when it was all my fault." Feng Xin looks pale. Not expecting it. "Your fault? Why would you blame yourself?" Then adding. "What do you even blame on yourself?"
"What a loaded question to ask a stranger." Xie Lian looks to the side a soft smile that Feng Xin recognises as affection. The prince gestures to the partition and giggles. "Please come out, you'll make a scene Mu Qing." He asks gently. "You want to hear my answers yes? Come sit back down with us. I'll pour you tea."
Mu Qing appears from behind the wall the shorter god spoke too. Feng Xin looks impressed then looks to Mu Qing smirking. "Tamed by his highness, surely nothing has changed."
"Whatever." Mu Qing says grabbing the tea. Xie Lian blinks once. Twice. "Did he just roll his eyes at me?" Feng Xin nods. "He did." Xie Lian smiles sheepishly. "I see."
"Your highness I'm still curious what is it you blame yourself for?"
Xie lians face grows grim. "With such a loaded question, I wonder if you're ready for the truth." He muses sadly. Feng Xin frowns. "You called me a stranger, is that how you see us?" Xie Lian shakes his head. "Is it not how you want me to see you? So much happened since you were gone. So much time passed. It was all my fault of course."
He pauses sips his tea and look to Mu Qing. "I see you both as my most trusted friends. But I respect you may not see me like this." Then he looks down to the cup in his hands.
"But do you want to hear it?" He asks. "Will you listen if I say it all?" He emphasised.
The two older gods shared a look. "Tell us." Mu Qing demands. "What did you go through?" Xie Lian laughs again. "That's a separate question. I'll answer that after the list of things I blame myself for yes?"
The two nod. Xie Lian take in a breath. "There's the obvious ones, you both leaving, my parents death, Wu- his death." He says. "Then the more large scale ones. "The fall of my kingdom, the birth of white no face, the human face disease." He laughs to himself, a very painful sound. "Of course there are many others the deaths of kings, ruining peoples lives, watching people I love leave, not being able to say the right thing, not being able to do the right thing."
Xie Lian sighs looking out the window. "I blame myself fully for not being what everyone wanted me to be. I blame myself for not living up to their expectations. I blame myself for not saving the common people. That's why you two left is it not. You watched your crown prince fall until he could no longer and I was nothing like I should have been. I didn't live up to "god" or "crown prince" and it was painful to watch I'm sure."
Then he turns back to the two. They both hold complicated faces. "Ah, was I wrong? Am I too much? I don't say this because I pity myself, I say it because I believe it's true."
The two stay unmoving. It's quiet. Too much so. Then frowning at the silence. "I don't think you're ready to know what I went through. Again I don't say that because I don't trust you, but I don't want you to think of me differently. I'm sure the image of me is already ruined in your head, most likely by my own doing, but my past since you left, and just slightly before Feng Xin left is nothing but nasty, painful and bloody."
Feng Xin manages to gain his voice, after finally processing the speech. "Before I left?" Xie Lian nods. Feng Xin looks upset. "You were very strange before that argument. We never argue, yet you seemed so distant, it was like you'd been zapped of your life force." He pauses looking away. "I err," he coughs. "I didn't like it, you scared me."
Xie Lian chokes. That statement hit a bit too close to home. "Your highness? Are you okay? Sorry did I say-" Xie Lian cut him off. "No no! I'm fine, just surprised. I'm sorry about that. You're not too far wrong actually but-"
Mu Qing who had been very silent speaks up. It's quite and slow at first but builds up. "I know you don't hate us- or me specifically." He says. Xie Lian looks at him. "When I-" he coughs. "Pointed my sword at you, something in your eyes broke. It was painful to watch knowing I was the cause, but now. When you look at me your eyes are kind. They speak of battles but gently wind, yet..." he glances to Feng Xin. "Don't they look, just, so tired?"
"I don't hate either of you!" Xie Lian says exasperated. "I really don't, at first maybe I did but it never lasted longer than a month or so. I don't hate you. Either of you, do you understand?" He questions.
The two generals nod. "Good." He says. "But there are parts of my life you no nothing about. 800 years is a long time. And I was alone, mostly." He says smiling through any discomfort he felt. "There are things I can't tell you, I can't tell them to anyone. But if you want to know something, you can ask me one question each." He looks at them, it's true what Mu Qing said. Xie Lian looks exhausted. "I don't have the energy or stability to talk you through my messy 800 years so please allow me to answer just one question each." He asks.
"Who wants to ask first?"
Feng Xin and Mu Qing look to each other. "One question each?" Mu Qing muses. Feng Xin nods. "I know what mine is." He says. "That day you told me to leave. What actually happened? Because that... it wasn't you what happened to you?"
Xie Lian sighs. He's expected that. "Well as you know you thought I was loosing it because I kept seeing white no face everywhere. But I couldn't leave it so I went to pursue him. I told you I was going to cultivate." Xie Lian scratches his cheek. "Sorry for lying but you didn't believe me so I hade to come up with something." He says.
"While I was "cultivating" white no face fought with me several times he... " the god shook his head. "One thing lead to another and I woke up restrained to the alter of my own temple." Xie Lian grimaced squeezing his eyes closed. He can still feel it. See it. Hear it. It's always there. Behind tired eyes ready to emerge and torment.
"Your highness?" Feng Xin says much softer than his shouting voice. Xie Lian snaps back with a gasp. "Sorry, sorry. White no face had me tied to my alter and he had gathered desperate people and taken them to me. He handed them his sword or well my sword." The princes hands move to gently protect his torso. "I was stabbed 100 times and left in a puddle..."
Xie Lian can't bare to look up. "Do you... do you remember when Mu Qing begged me to tell you the cure to the disease?" He whispers. "It's true white no face told me...but the answer." He says shaking. "Those people only stabbed me because they wanted to survive. I was only killed 100 times so they could survive. There's a reason the soldiers didn't get the disease. There's a reason... there's always a reason..." he says deflated. "After I had stitch myself together I couldn't bare it. I was, I was so broken." He admits with a painful laugh.
"You were so concerned for me but I couldn't handle it. I thought will he stab me too? Do I tell him? Will he parade me around so others can live?" Xie Lian curls in on himself. "I'm so ashamed I thought that. I know you'd never, even if it was you only survival method I'd have to knock you out before you'd stab me. And I know you'd never tell others too. But my mind was smashed and I- I don't know. I couldn't bare you seeing me. So..."
Feng Xin and Mu Qing are very silent. And it eats away at Xie Lian. So much so that eventually he shakes with silent sobs. "I'm sorry." He says. "I'm so so sorry."
Surprisingly it's Mu Qing that answers. "Don't apologise to us." He says. "We all made mistakes. I should known the cure wouldn't have been pleasant. I should have helped you fight white no face, we should have stayed together." He says.
Feng Xin swallows. "I-" he breaks off. "He really was following you? I should have believed you." He says angrily. "I shouldn't have doubted you! Your my prince I should believe you!" He shouts. "Feng Xin." Xie Lian says gently.
"No!" The general shouts. "No I should have done something! When I saw you I should have pressed further. I shouldn't have left you! You must have been stuck looking after yourself and your parents for so long it must have been so painful."
Xie Lian winces. "A-actually it was just me mostly." He says softly. Mu Qing hears him. "What do you mean? Don't tell me you abandoned your parents?" He asks accusingly. Xie lians eyes widen. Tears gather in the corners and the god can't seem to blink them away.
"Idiot!" Feng Xin scolds finally calming down. "Don't listen to him, I'm sure you didn't leav-"
"They killed themselves-" Xie Lian blurts. "I also tired but I-" He then slaps a hand over his mouth realising what the hell he's just let slip. "I'm sorry!" He yells standing up knocking into the table. The tea goes spilling. "Oh gosh I'm so sorry I- I-" Xie Lian shuts up sprinting out the shop into the street.
He can't believe himself. How stupid. How insensitive. How mortifying.
The god keeps running wiping at his tears furiously. "Stupid stupid stupid." He chants. In true bad luck Xie Lian has run into the forest and trips over. He tumbles to the floor laughing through tears. "I hate this!" He yells hitting the forest floor. "I hate this!" He adds for good measure. Then rolling onto his back he breaths heavily.
Through blurry eyes he spots a glow of white flickering around above him. Sniffing he wipes his sleeve over his eyes and blinks.
There above him is a tiny silver butterfly. Xie Lian watches mesmerised by it. "Are you tired?" The god asks sitting up and extending a finger to the delicate creature. "I'm tired too." He admits as the butterfly lands. He coos at the glow. "You're very cute, pretty- no gorgeous." He mumbles. "Do you have friends? Are you lost little one?" He asks.
The butterfly seems to flapp it's wings lazily. "You are? Shall I accompany you back home? I'd love to see more of you." He says letting a smile grace his lips again. "Who do you work for? I can sense the evil on you but you're just so precious I can't imagine you as evil. Is it the ghost groom? I was sent here to capture them you know." He says walking in the direction he thinks the butterfly wants to go.
"Or is it someone else's? Either way anyone who can create such beauty can't be all that bad. At least they know how to treasure something so wonderful." Xie Lian continues to babble to the butterfly walking around the forest without tripping again. "You know you give me such good luck little one. How about you ditch your master and stay with me?" He teases. "I get very lonely."
The butterfly flaps it's wings dashing around Xie lians face. "Oh?" He says giggling. "Is that a yes?" There's movement from behind him and the god turns around expecting to see the two other gods. Instead there stands a tall man. Dressed head to toe in red and black. Large silver jewellery and an eyepatch. He's surrounded by more of the gorgeous glowing butterflies.
"If Gege is lonely, and has taken a fancy to my butterflies, how about he accompanies me home and he can have them all."
Xie Lian feels a pull in his chest. 'Go to him.' It says. Xie Lian doesn't know why he decided then and their that he liked this man. But with what little sanity he had left he stretches out a hand for the man. "Sure."