It's been almost a month of my carefree life. At university, I immersed myself in study, made new interesting acquaintances, and at home I enjoyed an atmosphere of peace and quiet. Sometimes after class I would meet with the guys, and we would have fun in the cafe, where they listened with interest to me going on about my goings-on.
I felt alive with them and saw everyone in a special light. Jessica and I became very close, especially after I had opened up, and I treated her like a sister. Alex became a kind of knight to me, who constantly came to my rescue, and I couldn't even dream of having such a good friend. As for Norton, everything was much more complicated... His gaze gave me goosebumps, his voice excited my soul, filling it with new feelings, but these feelings were so alien to me, and his random touches caused neither pain nor fear. I wanted to be with him all the time, but sometimes his behavior scared me, or, rather, his impudence did. But I was no fool, and I had even learned to talk back over the last month. As they say, if you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas...
One day, he met me after class and suggested we take a walk in the warm sun. Nothing out of the ordinary – simple behavior from a guy that didn't get stressed out. What happened on campus triggered some wonderful memories, although I was "hurt" again that day.
***
"Watch where you're going, you jerk!" Mike shouted in anger at the retreating cyclist.
The guy wanted to stop and apologize for almost knocking me down, but Norton's aggressive posture made him keep his distance. Holding my fragile body in his arms, he could not catch his breath. Everything happened so fast, he barely saved me from the impact.
I felt a sharp pain in my ankle when I took an uncertain step to the side. Looked like someone sprained something, and who else could be such a chronic loser? Norton, noticing my reaction, picked me up without a word and carried me to the nearest bench. Taking off my shoe, he looked at the injury.
"Nice damn walk..." the brunette boy whispered, and looked at me with his blue eyes. "I have a first aid kit in my car. You urgently need to ice this."
The comicality of this situation and his serious tone dissolved the awkwardness of that moment. I didn't know why, but I laughed uncontrollably. I remembered our first meeting, when I had wished for the ground to swallow me, but at that moment, I couldn't help smiling.
Thinking the shock caused this, Norton paused, giving me an opportunity to calm down, and when I took a deep breath, he asked if everything was fine with me.
"After giving me medical help, aren't you going to tell me 'Go where you want'?"
"You have a wonderful memory, Miss Moore," he said, as his face lit up with a charming smile. "But I'm afraid you won't take a step without me."
Mike picked me up again, carried me to the parking and, after icing my ankle, he wanted to take me home.
"There's no need." I wasn't ready to expose my temporary home. "I have an extra class in an hour, so I'll go back to school."
"And how will you get home after class? I won't be able to pick you up: in a few hours I'm flying out with my father on a business trip."
"Mike, do you even go to classes? How have you not been expelled yet?"
But his lopsided grin was the only answer I got...
Norton disappeared for a week for family reasons again. All the time we were together, he tried to talk to me, but every time something prevented that. Although I should have apologized for what I had said...
My temporary shelter, as Jess promised, was still a well-kept secret, which thrilled me. But eventually, I would have to tell my friends about it. When my parents found out about Mark, they were ready to take me back to New York, and it took a lot of effort to convince them that everything was fine.
The school day drew to its end, and I left the building to go towards my apartment, but my honey blonde called out to me.
"Hi, Lana," girl said urgently. She looked around, as if someone was following us, but that feeling hadn't left since the hospital discharged me.
"Hello to you, too..." But before I could finish, Jessica grabbed my elbow and dragged me towards the parking. We got into her car, and I observed my friend's reaction.
She nervously peered at every inch of the street, then started the car and drove off campus. We drove in complete silence. I held my tongue, giving her chance to explain herself first. We stopped on some deserted street, and if I didn't know that innocent girl, I would have thought I was going to be killed.
"I'm sorry," Milton sighed. "I've been feeling an unfamiliar set of eyes over my shoulder all day today. Alana, we need to talk. Let's go to a café. We can have a snack at the same time."
"Let's go to my place. I'll feed you myself..."
When Jess walked into my cozy apartment, she couldn't believe that I rented it for next to nothing. However, she didn't find out who my benefactor was. I prepared a big lunch, and we sat down by the fireplace for a serious conversation.
"I have information about Mark, and I think you should know it."
"But I'm not sure I want to..." A wave of disgust washed me over me from head to toe.
"I'm afraid it's inevitable you'll run into him again, because he not only studies here, he also lives in Boston. By the way, his university is quite close to your medical school. It feels like everything's rigged."
He couldn't have known I was going to Harvard. My parents wouldn't have had enough money to pay for my education; they took out a loan to make my dream come true.
"Alana, may I ask a question?" After an affirmative nod, she continued. "Why's he free? Why didn't you file a police report?"
"We've been through hell because of Wood's family. At first, they tried bribing us, but my parents were above it. Then they bent the law and, despite hard evidence, Mark got only a suspended sentence..." I stopped fidgeting. One thing bothered me and I wanted to find out once and for all. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure. You can ask me absolutely anything."
"How do Farrell and you know this freak? Does Mike know him too?"
"We've all known each other since childhood. Distance doesn't matter if your parents are business partners. Family get-togethers, social evenings, and indeed any events – we all had to attend," Jess sighed heavily, staring off into space. "The adults are friends with each other, and the children are enemies... Funny, isn't it?"
I couldn't talk calmly about him. My discomfort grew, and I had to calm myself down urgently. I went to get a notebook and a pen, and returned to my friend. I opened on a blank page, chose a number between five and ten, and began to write numbers from one to nine in a column, continuing to write it until I told myself to stop.
"Tell me about your specialty. I wonder, why did a young and beautiful girl choose this profession?" I asked a question without getting distracted.
Jessica began her story from the events of her childhood when, looking at her friends' families, she realized what evil was in some of them. However, she could not take her attention away from my scribbling. When I finished writing down the numbers, I began crossing out the pairs that added up to ten. My friend did not stop me, instead she stopped her narration and patiently waited for me to finish. The first column, the second, the third... and so on until some numbers, which I could do nothing with, were left.
Sighing, I pursed my lips and put down my pen. I felt better. The feeling of anxiety was gone.
"Will you tell me about it?" Without lifting my head, I saw Jessica staring at me with a curiosity.
"This method helps me cope with my emotions when I can't concentrate on my breathing. I simply forget about everything. Sorry... I didn't want you to feel ignored."
"Lana, I have friends at the BARCC. This is the chief center for rape victims not only in Massachusetts, but also in the entire New England region. I don't know why you weren't sent there immediately, but I can help you now. Not even a year has passed, and I understand your reaction to Mark, but it's very difficult to deal with it yourself, even though you are at the healing stage. I'm insanely afraid that you're taking a step forward and then two steps back."
"Everything was fine before I met him. I hoped I could overcome my fears, but the nightmares returned, and I constantly feel afraid and helplessness when I'm alone. But it's less acute now than in the spring." For some reason, I could not raise my head, instead looking at the pen lying next to me.
"Some moments of second-stage behavior can sometimes occur again, but less often and with less intensity." Jess mused for a moment, but after a brief pause asked: "Didn't I say that I study psychology on my own? I'd like to put some of it into practice, if you'll let me."
"What, like hypnosis?" A smile appeared on my face. Everything is so calm and easy around this girl.
"It's just a method called time-limited writing. I want to make sure that your emotional state is stable. But I repeat, only with your permission, no other way."
"Only the second year, and it's like a professional specialist is sitting in front of me." The charming blonde's laughter complemented the warm, friendly atmosphere. She checked her watch, and I opened my notebook again.
I knew this method. Sometimes Dr. Spence used it to check whether my mental state was improving.
***
"Today we'll do an exercise that will help you break through the barrier of criticism and lack of self-esteem that blocks the stream of your feelings.
You'll have ten minutes, and during this time you'll need to write sentences starting with the pronoun I. Put to paper whatever you think is necessary, and I ask you to write down absolutely everything that comes to mind. These thoughts have tremendous energy. Usually, people disagree with them, discuss or censor them, but we will make a few rules that will help these thoughts emerge with no criticism:
- Do not cross out or change the written text, and more so, do not make any judgments. Let everything remain as it is.
- The process must be continuous. Write for all ten minutes, and even if it seems that everything you wanted to say has already been said, then just keep writing "I..., I..., I..." until something comes to mind.
- The very first thoughts have the greatest significance. Don't ignore them, but write them down! Even if they seem strange and ridiculous, or maybe deeply personal. Even if it's true or not true at all. I don't have to know about it, just give them a way out!
These rules will allow you to feel free during the writing process. So, are you ready to begin? Get started...
And now finish the thought you started and put the pen down... How do you feel?"
Sitting on the soft, light carpet by the burning fireplace, I went through the same method of getting skeletons from the depths of my soul, but with Jessica Milton, my friend.
At that time, the exercise was much easier. There was no longer the negation of myself as a person and there was no feeling of worthlessness. Apparently, communication with good people was good for me.
"I want to know one more thing," she said, taking my piece of paper in her hands. She looked into my eyes with concern. "How do you perceive the word 'no' when you hear or pronounce it?"
"Now it's only a negative answer that does not cause any emotions, which, if we were to talk about my past..."
"Mark! No! Please don't! No!!! Don't touch me! Nooo!!!" It's time to accept the fact that it happened...
"Don't come closer!!! Don't touch me! Mom, mommy, help!!! No!!!" I went through rehabilitation the hard way at the hospital...
"Alana, you need to shout and say 'no' with your whole body, not letting me over this line to your side. Fight with me, but say a negative word at least ten or even fifteen times..." Dr. Spence, I will always thank you for our sessions for the rest of my life...
"Jess!" I just realized my secret already did not belong only to me... "I beg you, don't tell the guys anything. They don't have to know what happened to me."
"Alana," she said soothingly, "you decide to whom and when to open up, but I want to warn you: avoiding parties, to which Mike will surely want to drag you, or being afraid of walking in public places may arouse suspicion and many questions. And I won't say anything about your reaction to Mark at all, because he won't miss the chance to 'bump' into you again."
"What should I do?" I whispered, breathing out and realizing the hopelessness of this situation.
"Fight the fear and learn to look into the eyes of your nightmare. Living in constant terror and turning around at every rustle is worse than hell... Running into Wood cannot be avoided. Understand this perfectly well; whether it's a party or a simple exit from the university building, where he can easily wait for you..."
"I'll try my best to control myself... But please, stay close to me..." I glanced anxiously at the blonde, but she just sat silently next to me.
"I promise." She gave me a warm hug, and I silently put on an invisible seal cementing our friendship once and for all.
The time we spent talking about the test results flew by and it was even in the company of a nice person. It seemed we had just got there recently, but it was already late evening. Jessica got a lot of calls from Alex persuading her to pick her up and, at the same time, to find out where my new home was. But it was all in vain.
That day was terribly hard, and it was good that the following one was a day off. After taking a shower and changing into a comfy top and some shorts, I made a couple of sandwiches and sat down to the Spanish TV series Black Lagoon, which I could not finish since school.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, which terrified me. I wasn't expecting any visitors, especially so late.
Going to the door and not daring to open it, I stood and waited. What was I waiting for? I didn't know...
And if it's Mark? God, where could I run to then?
While I was thinking and biting my nails, the knock came again, but this time more insistently.