"I look like an idiot right now, don't I?" the guy asked, turning an embarrassing situation into a joke.
But for me, it was no laughing matter, and a million thoughts started buzzing in my head. Who is he? How does he know me? His reaction speaks louder than any words. Does he know something? I ran away to another city not to keep reliving my past, but to begin a new and peaceful life. And now this person stresses me out.
"I am sorry, Jessica has never had roommates, and now you are here... So... I'm Alex Farrel," he said and held out his hand to me with a friendly smile.
He was very handsome. He had short dark hair brushed back, sky-blue eyes that radiated warmth, a determined chin, and slightly plush lips, as if after a long kiss. The icing on the cake was a small mole on his left cheek. Yet, despite his friendly gesture, I moved closer to Jessica and looked at her.
The blond first frowned, then smiled. She touched my shoulder and gave a nod to show that there was no danger.
"Alana..." I stammered, clearing my throat, "Alana Moore." Staring at his hand, I didn't shake it and looked up at his face.
"Alex, what did you want?" Jessica's voice interrupted our staring contest.
"Not much, really. I just wanted to let you know that Player's arriving today, and we thought to go somewhere and celebrate," he said, glancing at me again, "but I guess you've already made plans with your new roomie, and you're not in the mood, so... Ok... I'm gone." Without another word, Alex turned around and left the room.
A stony silence remained. Every fiber in my being told me I was being examined. Quietly, Jess got down on her knees at my feet and asked me to look at her.
"Lana," she started with a serious face, "the training for my future as a lawyer doesn't just involve legally protecting a woman's rights. I'm also required to provide psychological counseling. So far, they have gone into little depth on this subject, and I've mostly taught myself. But what I've seen so far alarms me..."
Could she really read me that easily?
"Why? I won't be any trouble, I promise. I will be as quiet as a mouse..."
"I don't know why, but something about you attracts me. I've never had friends among girls. My best friends were guys. You've met one of them. I'd really love to have more in common with you than the little that usually passes between roommates. Do you believe me?" Jessica covered my hands with hers and silently waited for an answer.
What could I tell her? That I have also never had friends, among neither girls nor guys? That at school I was a lonely nerd no one wanted to talk to? And that the senior year turned out to be a living hell? The words made a lump in my throat, and I could not breathe. Sniffling, shivering lips, and hateful tears.
All I could do was nod.
"May I ask you a question? I won't pressure you if you don't want to open up."
A nod...
"Has someone sexually abused you?" she whispered, squeezing my hands in sympathy.
A nod... Slowly, too slow...
"May I hug you?"
And the dam burst. She put her arms around me as I sobbed on her shoulder, pouring out my soul without saying a word.
Some minutes later, I was warm in her arms and relaxed. Soft and cozy, as if I were in front of a fireplace, wrapped in a blanket, holding a hot drink. She also smelled good. I don't why, but I suddenly remembered a moment from one of my therapy sessions.
***
"How do you feel, Alana?" asked a woman dressed in a doctor's white gown; she was sitting in front of me and making some notes.
"I'm better," I grinned. "Last night I slept calmly for the first time. No nightmares," I said as I looked through the window and enjoyed how nature was blossoming outside. Spring is a beautiful season.
"That's a good sign. What did you feel when you woke up?"
"Relief..." For the first time in months, I really smiled. "It's true, I feel like some heavy boulder inside my heart has just disappeared."
"What about our assignment? Have you been able to talk to any stranger and ask them a question: what time it is, or for instance, or how to get to a certain street?"
"No... It's still difficult, but I'm working on it," came my answer. I shifted my eyes to my clenched fists, and my good mood evaporated.
"You said you went to work out. What exactly do you do at the gym? Tell me about your feelings."
"I dance. I go every day. It's like I'm in another world, ruled by love, where there isn't any evil or violence. The energy of my body fills my life with bright colors. I hear the music and I forget everything. For the moment, this is my escape..." I said, my voice tapering off. I felt miserable: some of these conversations turned my soul inside out, reminding me of my worthlessness. Admittedly, they were also often very helpful.
"What about communication? Is there anyone else in the gym except you?"
"I'm not yet ready to meet new people, and I've had no one but my parents. I rent a room for a certain time, come and go when there is no one else there."
"Alana, allow me to give you some advice. You can decide whether you will take it or not, it's all up to you, of course. Start a social media page, or start a blog; tell people what's on your mind and the world will hear you. As for friends - you are still very young. Eventually, you'll get there: you will meet people for whom you'll be much more than an empty shell. They'll accept you with all your baggage and they'll help you in your hour of need. You'll recognize it when it happens: your souls will connect from the first time you meet."
A light stroke on my back brought me back to the present. Jessica sat there absorbed in thought, giving me time to come to my senses. Could this be the meeting that doctor Spense had told me about? I feel incredible compassion from this girl. Her shining warmth gets right inside my heart, driving out the darkness that had settled there.
She beams with light just like Amanda... I want it to be true... Please don't betray my hopes, Jessica Milton...
"Thank you," I whimpered in a voice not like my own, looking up at her. "I'm trying to live like before. I can talk, laugh, argue, fight..." I smiled at my thoughts. "There's just one thing - I haven't learned to control what I feel when I think about that day, and I cannot engage with the opposite sex."
"Now you have me - your personal lawyer and therapist!" A sincere smile broke down the last barrier between us and convinced me we will become real friends.
I trust her...
"Tell me about Alex. How long have you been friends?" I made myself comfortable on the couch. I wanted to know more about the young man who surely had a crush on my new roommate. "He behaved weirdly. I felt a bit like a museum piece."
"You're right. That doesn't sound like him," she replied. I felt her appraising look. "I think he liked you and that's why he got flustered."
No one could like me; someone gave me an obvious hint about that some time ago.
"What about you? Do you like him?"
"Alex is a good guy, but we've been friends since we were kids. By the way, Farrel is a veritable angel and he wouldn't hurt a fly. You can trust him with your life. I know that for sure," she said shyly as a blush suffused her cheeks, giving her away.
"So, you like him," I smiled, "And who is the other one?"
"There's one more brat in our small group. He's supposed to arrive soon. We all entered Harvard on the wishes of our parents. They both study business, and I study law. You can say it's a small family," Jessica said, smiling dreamily.
"Alex called him 'Player'. Is that a nickname or is he some kind of sportsman?"
"No, we gave him this nickname, because his life is one continuous gamble. He gets his kicks from pursuing his goals. He's relentless."
This description sent an icy shiver running down my spine. In my experience, almost all rich people fit this description. Everyone except Jessica. She inspires confidence.
"But," Milton hastened to defend the stranger, "he's aggressive only to those he doesn't like. If the person gains his trust, he'll do anything to make them happy, no matter the cost."
Again, a chill shot down my spine, as if I had already known this guy.
While I arranged my things and made myself comfortable, Jessica told me about her childhood, and why she chose this profession. She also told me about the other buildings on the campus, what the students there do and like. She shared where I could have a nice snack and an excellent coffee after classes. Her voice was very pleasant; I could listen to it forever.
"Jessica, since you know everything around here, I hope you'll have some time to give me a tour of the campus? I'm curious where the medical school is and I'm afraid to oversleep on the first day of classes."
We had a long walk around the campus. We laughed, we had fun and ate ice cream. The range of emotions I felt was beyond description. This was all new to me: I have never had friends, long phone conversations, discussions about guys. No cinema, no shopping. I was like a recluse, a lone cat that no one wanted to talk to.
Milton talked without a pause about campus life; she showed me the schools, the stadium, the library, shops, and recreation areas. She looked very motivated, but a hint of sadness in her eyes gave her away.
"What happened to you?" I asked when we sat down to rest. "Don't lie to me. I can see it and feel it. Will you tell me?"
"Someone stood me up, and I don't know what to do now." She paused and then continued: "Apart from classes, I also have my dance group. There's gonna be a big event in a couple of days in a famous nightclub; there's a lot of money at stake."
"And what exactly is the problem? If it's moral support you need, well, I'm already your hardcore fan."
She smiled, but that did not cut it.
"One girl left the group recently. She went over to our competitors. That really hurt the fighting spirit of the other girls, and now there's a piece missing."
"Which style you are working in? Maybe I could help?" Oh my God, I could not believe I offered... Who made me talk?
"Do you dance?" Jess's eyes glowed with interest.
"I dance as long as I can remember myself, and then..." I stopped short but then continued: "The last five months I've kept myself busy - studies, gym..." Again my thoughts went in the wrong direction. Come on! Get a grip! "I have my own YouTube channel. You can look for 'Baby Lemoore' and subscribe," I said with a forced smile, but she didn't even notice it. She just laughed loudly. So I continued: "I'm familiar with many styles, and some I'm quite good at, like dancehall. I love reggaeton and some street styles, like locking and hip-hop."
"That's your new nickname, Baby Lemoore!" the blond laughed through her tears, then clapped her hands. "Ok then, I want to see you in action. You won't refuse my little request?" Jessica pouted her lips and fluttered her eyelids. What a fox... "There's no one around, so don't worry. Remember, I'm here for you!"
The girl stood in front of me, took out her cell, and started a rhythmic song by J Balvin - Mi Gente.
"Seriously? Right here? You're crazy!" I could not stop laughing! It was so cool to have a friend that shared my interests. "Ok, just a second." I took out my phone and went live on Instagram. "Hi, everyone! Today the live stream is spontaneous, and those who get to see it - consider yourself fortunate! Right now I am at the Harvard campus where I am going to audition for the coolest dance group ever!" I realized I did not know the name of the group! "Jess, what's the group's name?" I asked my backstage partner. "Guys, it's 'HOT SKIES', and if you haven't heard of it before then, believe me, soon it's gonna explode your world! So, let's start!" I gave my phone to Jessica and started an improvised show.
In the end, we marked my audition with a bottle of excellent red wine, celebrating the good mood we had put our audience in. But the weather had its own laws, and our wonderful walk ended in wet hair, sticky clothes, and drenched sneakers.
Having reached our lodgings, we realized we were dripping wet. We looked quite funny: satisfied, giggling; we stumbled into the building with a bottle of wine. There was already a crowd of people gathered, looking to hang out together. I guessed they had already made up a lot of things about me, but in reality, I was shy. It was all Jessica and her influence!
We passed calmly by curious eyes when Alex suddenly caught my blond at the stairs. I swore to her that the bottle of wine would wait until she returned and went to our room. A familiar scent slowed my pace.
It must be some hallucination. I hope it's just a feeling...