"It's not what you think Henry! I swear!" I did not want to fight with him when I barely got to talk to him lately. But he looked so pissed. I've seen that look on his face two times. The first was when he met Liam for the first time and they almost came to blows. The second was when I didn't tell him that I went to dinner with Liam and he confronted me about it in my dorm. I was so sick of having the same fight over and over again.
"What the fuck is he doing there Em?" I jumped up out of bed and started pacing the room because of my nerves. I was terrified of losing Henry and it felt like our relationship was barely holding on at the moment. It wouldn't take much to break us. I needed to make him understand he had nothing to worry about.
"He walked me home last night so I didn't have to walk by myself in the middle of the night. Jane went to Bill's. We decided to hang out and we watched some Netflix. We fell asleep. That is all! It was completely innocent. I promise you Henry. Nothing happened." He scoffed like he couldn't believe what I just said. This was going to be bad.
"So you guys hung out. Just the two of you at your place alone. In the middle of the night. Fuck Em! You don't see anything wrong with that?" He raised his voice at me and I felt horrible. He was right. It was inappropriate. I knew it was wrong when it was happening and I did nothing to stop it.
"I'm sorry Henry. I didn't want to be alone and Liam was fighting with his girlfriend. We were just keeping each other company. We used to stay up all night watching Netflix freshman year and it was nice to hang out like old times."
He turned away from the camera and I could tell he was battling with his thoughts. I couldn't blame him for feeling this way about me spending time with Liam. This wasn't supposed to be so hard. We found our way back to each other and everything was still messed up. It felt like the universe was sending us a message. That thought was too sad to dwell on. I couldn't give up on us again. I promised Henry I wouldn't.
"Em, I can't do this right now. I was in the studio for 12 hours yesterday, we have another long day of recording today, and a big meeting tomorrow with a record company rep. That's what I called to tell you. It might be the break we've been hoping for. And if everything goes well and they offer us a recording contract...." He looked terrified. I felt my stomach bottom out. He didn't need to finish his sentence. I knew what he was trying to tell me. If they got offered a record deal tomorrow, he wouldn't be coming back.
Neither one of us spoke. What was there to say? I didn't think our relationship could survive a separation like that. And I would never ask him to give up his dream for us. I could never be that selfish. I was angry. I was sad. I was frustrated. We made promises to each other. Henry broke the silence first.
"I'm so sorry Em." I hated those words. They felt final. Almost like a goodbye. I had to turn the phone away from my face to hide what I was feeling. I took a couple deep breaths to calm the storm inside me. When I looked back at my phone, Henry still looked terrified. I couldn't let this be the end of us. If there was the smallest chance of this relationship working out, I had to fight for it. So I went back to being the fully-supportive girlfriend I had been for the last few weeks. With tears in my eyes, I smiled at the screen because there was a part of me that was really happy for him.
"That's so great Henry. You're living your dream. I'm so proud of you." My voice cracked at the end as I felt a million different emotions. Timing seemed to be our enemy. It just never worked out in our favor. Henry frowned and just stared at me through the screen. I didn't know what he was looking for.
"Please don't do that Em." He was whispering at this point. "I know you have been pretending to be ok for a while now and you don't have to do that for me anymore. You get to feel any way you want about this. Yell at me if you need to. Just please be real with me. This is fucked up! I know that! And how can I even be mad at you about last night. It's my fault you are alone. I'm your boyfriend. I should be there for you and I'm not."
I was scared to break down the wall I had put up the last few weeks. If I started to let all of my emotions out, it was going to be bad. And I don't know if I would have the strength to stop. I had to pretend to be fine for my own protection.
"Henry, I don't want to get into this right now. When you get your offer tomorrow, we can have a conversation about our future. Right now, it doesn't matter." I somehow got that out without crying. I was getting better at this.
"It does matter. How you feel matters to me. Please talk to me baby!" Him pleading with me almost broke me. I almost let it all out. But the sound of my front door opening stopped me. I didn't want anyone to overhear such an important conversation.
"We can talk tomorrow. I promise. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out for you." I really did want Henry to succeed. He deserved it. For a second, it looked like he was going to keep pushing me to spill my guts but something in my face must have caused him to take pity on me.
"Ok, Em. I'll drop it for now. But just know this isn't going to work if you keep your feelings all bottled up inside. And I love you too much for it not to work. I told you before...whatever it takes. I'm not giving up on us."