we were in the car on our way home. i was in my own world staring out the window. "you okay?" i snapped out of my trance. "yeah, i'm good." i widened my eyes and then quickly faced her to smile hoping she didn't see.
"i saw that bozo, whats up talk to me. I'm here for you." she placed her hand on my knee and moved her thumb in a comforting motion. "i don't really know, i'm just sad." she looked concerned. "have i done anything to upset you?" i furrowed my eyebrows. "noooo. i promise you. you know when you just feel like shit but you don't know why you feel like shit?" she nodded. "well yeah thats how i feel. i promise you it has nothing to do with you. you've made me feel a lot better." i smiled. "is there anything i can do to help?" i shook my head no.
as we were driving home i ended up falling asleep. we pulled up to the house but i wanted to pretend to sleep to see what she would do. "gabbyyyyyy wake upppp." i held back a smile. she signed. "shes so fucking cuteee." i felt an arm underneath my leg and one behind my back as she carried me into bed.
as she placed me down i couldn't contain my laughter anymore. i burst out laughing and billie looked at me and laughed her ass off too. "your lazy ass really made me carry you in from the car." i nodded with a cheesy grin. "thankyouuuu." she kissed me on my head and then walked to her room. "goodnight billieee." i said sarcastically. "night baby, sleep well."
i got dressed into my pyjamas and got in bed. i lay there for 15 minutes with my eyes closed but couldn't sleep. i just felt so alone. i remembered that i had brought my emergency box. it had alot of pills and blades. i opened them up and was about to take them when i thought of billie in the other room who would have to wake up to me dead. i couldn't do it to her.
i decided to reach out for the first time in my life. i got out of bed and walked towards billies room. i knocked. "come in, is everything okay?" i shook my head no. she patted the space next to her. i got in her bed and faced her.
"whats up baby?" i burst into tears and hid my face under the comforter. "gab come back up." i came back up. "i'm sorry." she looked concerned. "baby what are you sorry for?" shitttt. do i tell her? "um i don't really know how to say this." i took a deep breath. i couldn't even get my words out to tell her what was wrong. "can we talk tomorrow?" she nodded. "can i sleep in your room please? i don't want to be on my own." she smiled. "of course cutie. i love you. goodnight" she lay down flat. i put my head on her chest and she put her arm around me.
we both drifted to sleep.