Chris: Last time on Total Drama... The final five took a simple footrace to stanky new heights. [chuckles] Nasty. Ha ha. With Jasmine and Shawn show-mancing it up, Sky and Y/N was forced to partner with their cabbage-eating nemesis, Sugar, which was actually a very good idea. 'Til it became a very bad idea. In the end, Jasmine was the last to reach for the top, and the next to take a hop into the giant peashooter of shame. It's five no more. We're down to these three, and soon, one more of them will blast free. So, whose going to be your final two? I wanna know, don't you? Let's do! Here, on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
[creak]
[Psycho music]
Sky: [screams] Huh? Must've been a nightmare.
[thunking]
Sugar: [confessional] [giggles] I wasn't really gonna hit her. Hehe, on camera.
Sky: [confessional] Finale, here I come! Y/N's fit and smart-ish, but if it comes down to a foot race or a math test, I think I can take him. And Sugar's no match at all. Although she did make it all the way to the final three. Underestimating her again would be a big mistake. If I'm not careful, she'll cheat and lie her way to the million! No more Mr. Nice Guy-- uh, I mean girl.
Y/N: [yawns] Morning Sky, [Solemnly] Oh and uh Sugar greetings. [confessional] Sky told me what Sugar did to her yesterday, I can't believe, actually I can because come on, it's Sugar.
Chris: [over loudspeaker] Attention punching bags, it's that time again! Final three to the meeting area, pronto!
Sugar: Oh, hey there! [insincere] How'd you sleep? Hope you didn't have any nightmares! Wink.
Sky: [gasp] I slept fine! Sorry if you didn't. Don't worry, you'll sleep better tonight when you're home. You know, home? Where you're headed? After you lose this challenge?
Sugar: [laughs] Oh, silly. I never lose when it counts. You'll never beat me, 'cause you're too nice!
Sky: Ow!
Sugar: [confessional] Two girls filled with boiling hatred for each other. It's really starting to feel like a pageant now. And there's only two emotions at a pageant. Winning and revenge.
Sky: [confessional] Okay. Ow. Maybe I need to work on my "No more Mr. Nice Girl".
______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: Children of competition. Your toughest challenge yet will be in three parts. Head-to-head-to-head.
Sugar: Head-to-head? Ha, just call me the winner now. My noggin's bigger and solid-er than everyone else's combined!
Chris: Head-to-head doesn't mean that you--
Sugar: Doctors say that my skull is so thick, some of my brain squashed down into my neck!
Sky: Now, that I believe.
Chris: Yeah, 'cause it's true.
Y/N: [confessional] Sky may be the most likely to survive to the finale, but Sugar, not so much that is, if she get's to the finale, I mean the chick brain is in her neck
Chris: This will be a three part challenge. Each player gets to create one of those parts.
Sky: I get to create my own challenge?
Chris: You all do, within reason. Winner of each challenge gets three points, second place gets two, and last place gets one. After all three challenges, the player with the lowest total points gets to see the inside of cannon. Briefly. Two highest scores gets to battle it out in the finale for one. Million. Dollars! Whoa! Careless. Get that money back into the case pronto or you're fired. [to contestants] You have one minute to write down the details of your challenge.
Sugar: [confessional] Once we get to my challenge, no way is anyone gonna beat me.
Y/N: [confessional] It's not so much about my skills, it's more about their weaknesses.
Sky: [confessional] And they both have so many weaknesses to choose from.
Chris: We begin our final three showdown with the challenge created by... Sky!
Sky: Yeah! [cheers] [confessional] In any competition, it's better to strike first. It breaks your opponent's spirit. Although it's not Sugar's spirit I wanna break.
Sugar: Hold up. Why is Sky's challenge first?
Chris: Easy, tiger. The order was randomly selected with the help of the interns.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
[flashback]
Chris: Okay, here goes.
[intern grunts]
Chris: [whistles]
[flashback ends]
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: And Sky's challenge is, a one-hundred meter hurdles race.
Sugar: [gulps]
Y/N: Yeah! [laughs] [confessional] Back home, hurdles are favorite part of gym class, I was a total beast at dodgeball as well.
Sky: [confessional] I came second in the provencial hurdles event. And the girl who came in first isn't here.
Chris: Now, hurdles, while exciting... [yawns] didn't seem in keeping with the spirit of the show, so I was forced to add some little... you know, extras.
You, Sky, and Sugar: Aw...
Chris: You might wanna be careful out there. Anywho... on your marks... get set... and... go!
[airhorn blares]
Y/N: [grunts] Oh!
Sky: Ha!
Y/N: What the! Fire ants!
Sugar: Got one!
Sky: Hup!
[You jump over a hurdle but get hit in the nuts in the process
Y/N: [grunts] [squeals]
Chris: Turtle hurdle, punny and painful.
Chef and Chris: [laughing]
Y/N: Ow...
Sugar: Ha ha ha, yeah!
Sky: Hup! [grunts]
Sugar: [cheering] Free sweet goo!
Chris: Sugar takes the lead! And she's amassing quite the collection of hurdles, I might add.
Sugar: Mm, gooey num-nums!
Sky: [groaning]
Y/N: Sorry Sky, but a dude's gotta win!
Sky: Oh no, you don't!
Sugar: Ha ha ha, yeah!
Y/N: Hup!
Sky: [confessional] It all comes down to what you've got left in the tank.
[engine revving]
Sky: [cheers]
Y/N: Hell yeah!
Sugar: [cheering]
Chris: Sky wins! Three point for her, two for Y/N in second place, and Sugar gets one point for effort.
Sugar: Oh, your math's all wrong, Chris. I get the most points 'cause I collected the most hurdles.
Chris: Yeah, but it wasn't a scavenger hunt, so nobody cares.
Sugar: Oh, boo.
Chris: The next challenge comes from Y/N.
Y/N: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Chris: Have a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate match. But, you're not doing that.
Y/N: Dang--
Chris: Instead, you'll be doing Y/N second choice.
Y/N: Choice number two is still good.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: There's the starting line and there's the finish. You just have to race from one to the other without touching the ground.
Sugar: Jetpacks. Yes!
Chris: Jetpacks no. You have to climb and travel from tree to tree. Touch the ground before you reach the finish line, and you have to start all over. The good news is, I didn't add any extra danger to this challenge.
Sky: That is good news.
Chris: Because it's already fully stocked! [chuckles]
Y/N: [confessional] I mainly chose this because it was a test of upper body strength, No way can they do that. Which is why I can. Time to shine.
Sky: [confessional] Y/N picked a tree hop challenge, so for sure he's good at it. I'll just follow him and jump ahead at the finish line! If Sugar loses this one, mathematically, I'm at the finale and she's in the cannon.
Chris: Ready... set... go!
[airhorn blares]
Sky and Y/N: [grunting]
Chris: Impressive maneuvers from Y/N and Sky.
Sky and Y/N: [grunting]
Chris: Uh, Sugar? The finish line isn't so much up as it is across.
Sugar: Pfft, hush it, Chris! I know what I'm doing! [grunts] [confessional] I don't know anything about trees, but Grammy says, "In battle, you should always take higher ground." Who knows? Maybe there's a bridge up there. Or a bus stop! If you've never been at the top of a tree, you can't say there ain't!
Y/N: [gulps] This looks too far to jump!
Sky: [grunts]
Y/N: Aw, crud.
Sky: Ready to lose again?
Y/N: Sorry, can't hear you! You're too far behind me! [grunts] Ah! Phew. Enjoy your loser sandwich! Ha ha ha!
[monkey hoots]
Y/N: Hey there, fella. Whatcha up to?
[chainsaw spins]
Y/N: Uh-oh. [confessional] You spend your whole life working on your upper body strength, that a monkey with a saw throws all that work out the window. [real time] Whoa! No no, please stop! Pretty please with bananas on top? [screaming]
Chris: Will Y/N survive his encounter with Monkey McSawpants? Or are we hurdling towards and all girl finale? Find out after the break on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
[chainsaw running]
Y/N: Ah, Come on Fella! I'll give you whatever you want, just don't-- ah! Oof, oof, ooh! Oh, that was close.
Sky: Have a nice fall? Just stay put while I go win this.
Y/N: Ha! He just sawed away the only branch you could possibly reach!
Sky: You do know what gymnastics are, right?
Y/N: Aw, man!
[monkey hoots]
Sky: Ha!
Y/N: Ah, oof! Ow. Uh-oh. [screams]
Chris: Ouch. Y/N has to restart the challenge he created. [chuckles]
Y/N: Not the Face, not the Face!
[sparking]
Sky: Hey, Y/N! Thanks in advance for the great challenge!
Y/N: Oh, Fuck Off
Chris: Hey, where's Sugar?
Sugar: [grunting] Phew, finally. No bridge? No bus stop? No nothing! Whoa, uh-oh. Hey, um, Chris? Ah! Help me! Ah!
Chris: Help you? [sighs] It's like she doesn't even know me.
Sugar: Whoa! Whoa! I can't hold on much longer!
Chris: Sounds like Y/N might not be the only one who has to start over.
Y/N: Ha, sweet!
Sugar: If I don't make it, ah! Tell my Granny this is her fault! [screams]
Sky: What the? Whoa, ah! [grunts]
Sugar: Ugh... my neck brain.
Chris: Sugar wins! Didn't see that coming.
Sugar: Whoo! Granny was right! I love you, tree!
Chris: It isn't over yet! Second place is still up for grabs.
Sky: Do I really have to start over?
Chris: 'Fraid so.
Y/N: Yeah, but I wouldn't bother! Whoo! Woohoo! Nailed it!
Chris: And Y/N takes second place.
Sky: [groans]
Chris: Well-ity, well, well. Sky and Sugar have both won and lost a challeng, and Y/N comes in second twice. That's four points each. We got a three-way tie! It all comes down to one final challenge. Sugar's.
Sugar: Boom! It's a talent show and you both forgot to bring some. You're gonna get Sugared bad!
Chris: You have two minutes to prepare. Best of luck.
Sugar: [confessional] Who needs luck when you got all this?
Y/N: [confessional] Is burping the alphabet a talent? I mean I've seen season 1 but still not gonna take chances...
Sky: [confessional] A talent contest? Ugh. The only talent I have is kinda gross. But what choice do I have?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: The talent contest will be judged by me, this intern-- uh, assuming the cash is finally back in the case properly. Very good. And our final judge is the newly rebuilt and upgraded Scuba Bear 2.0, now with twenty percent more hostility. [laughs] Dude, perfect timing.
We need a new intern! Anywho, like I was saying, finalists will perform in the same order as their challenges. First Sky, then Y/N, then Sugar.
Sugar: Saving the best for last? Smooth move, Hosty.
Chris: Showtime!
[Chef]
Come close and listen hard
It's talent time for one and all
Will they sing or dance or what?
Make it good or you're a cannonball!
[clapping]
Chris: I hope no one else is gonna sing, 'cause that will be hard to top.
Chef: "There's a new sheriff in town, and here she is."
[cowpoke music]
Sky: Howdy. I-I'm the new sheriff.
Chris: Yes, we already know that.
Sky: And um, I'm the best belcher you've ever seen.
Sugar: Pfft. Belching ain't a talent. It's a way of life!
Chris: Cram it, peanut gallery.
Sky: If you obey the law, you're fine. But if you're bad, the belching sheriff will belch you down! [burps loudly]
Chris: [gasps]
Sky: [confessional] It's not that weird. All my Olympic training makes my abs and diaphragm ridiculously strong. When I really load up on carbonated water, I can burp out a campfire. [real time] [gulping and burping]
Chris: Whoa, cool!
Sky: Thanks, partner.
Y/N: [confessional] Um... yeah, wow.
Sugar: [confessional] That. Was. Terrible! [laughs]
Chris: Bravo! Let's see the judges' scores!
Sky: 6.5?
Chris: The bad guy costumes were cliche. Black hats? Yawn. Total score... 24.5 out of 30. Not too shabby.
Sky: Boo-yah!
Sugar: You better hope Y/N tanks. Otherwise, you're going blam-bye!
Sky: Guess what? Same to you!
Chef: Well, wasn't that, uh, something? Y/N.
Y/N: Hi. So I will be perform the art of comedy.
Chris: Excuse me?
Y/N: Okay, the horse and the lawn gnome walk into a bar and the gnome says why the long face
[Silence]
Y/N: Tough crowd, Okay so the joke goes like this, so there were these trees and one tree was bothering the other one and the other trees dad comes in and says, leaf him alone, he's bushed
[Silence]
Y/N: So one time two sheep talk about some stuff then a goat comes up and says what are you talking about and the sheep says, climate change, and the goat says really that's some B-a-a-a-a-a-ad news
[Silence]
Y/N: And just when I thought I had a chance I'll just go now [You kick a rock and it hits a beehive, bees come out and chase you] Ahhh Bees!!
[The bees sting you]
Y/N: Ow
[Chris burst out laughing and gives you a 10, Scuba Bear and the intern do the same]
Y/N: (In pain) Horaaaaaaaaaaay, Ow
[clapping]
Sugar: You're clapping 'cause you hate it, right?
Chris: Judges, your scores. Y/N takes the lead with thirty points! So, even if Sugar gets a higher score, Y/N's guaranteed himself a spot in the finale!
Y/N: Yes! These are gonna clear up people don't worry
Sugar: You might wanna pack your things.
Y/N: [confessional] Going to the finale, woohoo! That's the first time I ever tried stand up comedy that's not in front of the bathroom mirror. Sweet!
Sky: [confessional] I can't lie, I'm worried. Talent shows are Sugar's thing. Probably her only thing, but her thing!
Sugar: [confessional] I wish mama were here. Before every pageant, she always gives me the same awesome pep talk. "We didn't drive two days straight for you to spend all your time playing with the fancy flush toilets! Now get your dress on!" This is my thing. And you can count on that.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chef: I gotta read all of this?
Sugar: Like you mean it. And smile!
Chef: She's a genuine angel who's come to Earth to shave us.
Sugar: Save us.
Chef: Uh, to save us from our boring and un-glisteny lives with her--
Chris: Skip the intro.
Sugar: Fine, nevermind! Dear fans, you know me as Sugar. But my farmies on the farm call me... Sugar Silo. The only artist to ever combine rap and country. I call it "craptry".
[harp music]
[record scratch]
[Sugar]
Sugar Silo, I'm wicked sweet
I tap it like a rabbit with a tasty beat
Cold like milk from a Jersey cow
I'm the queen of craptry, all should bow
Sugar holla!
Sugar Silo go, do-si-do
Sugar Silo here to win the dough
[high pitched] Sugar holla!
[crack]
[pop]
[sharks growl]
[Sugar]
Like a talking horse, the truth I speak
I'll take out Miss Olympic and that Weird Geek
Am I tripping? Don't let this be for real
I'm gonna win this million dollar deal.
[extremely high pitched] Sugar holla!
[explosion]
Sugar: That's how it's done!
Chris: Wow, I don't know what to say. Oh wait, yes I do.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sugar: [crying]
Chris: That was horrible! Any final words?
Sugar: I personally believe competition shouldn't be based on points, but instead on your general awesomeness. Which means, I should not be in this cannon! [echoing] I'm comin', wizard!
Chris: Next stop, the super big, awesome, and deadly finale. Who's about to become one million dollars richer? Will it be Y/N or will it be Sky? Find out next time on the season finale of Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!