Chris: Last time on Total Drama... we had some, uh... technical difficulties. Then someone, clearly not me, accidentally activated the island's automatic self-destruct sequence. We had an hour to shut down the main computer, or the island would blow, killing everyone who wasn't aboard the fancy helicopter. Scarlett made it to the control room with loads of time, but went loco, big time, and demanded the million bucks or bye-bye island. With the help of an exceedingly handsome Chris-bot, the teens gently subdued Scarlett and very carefully shut down the main computer. I then cashed in some of my cannon miles so that Scarlett and Max could travel home together. Today, five will become four, and soon we will see. Who will go ka-bloom or should I say whom? Whom cares? Let's start the show. It's Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
[birds chirping]
[loud crunching]
Sky: Is that a... cabbage?
Sugar: Mama needs some ruffage. 'Nuff said. Or do you want all the hard, dark corn-ridden details?
Sky: Nope, nope, I'm good.
Y/N: Hey, anyone seen Shawn and Jasmine?
Sugar: He took her on some big romantic surprise. So they're probably off slaughtering goats or something.
Sky: [confessional] Slaughtering goats? Really? Sugar sure has a strange sense of romance. Blugh. But if I wanna win the million dollars, I'm gonna have to consider an alliance with her. How bad could it be?
Sugar: [straining] Ugh! Nothing. How many cabbages does a girl gotta eat to host her own elimination ceremony?
Sky: Uh, Sugar? I was thinking... we...
Sugar: What are you blabbering about? [crunch]
Sky: Um, nope. Nothing.
Sugar: You wanna form an alliance?
Sky: Yeah. How'd you know?
Sugar: It's butt and brain food. Okay, I'll team up with you. But if you're playing with Sugar, you gotta be willing to get dirty!
Sky: No cheating. A dishonest win isn't a win. We play fair or forget it.
[crunch]
Sky: It's the only way either of us will get a shot at the million dollars. Your call.
Sugar: Fine. I promise. [crunch] [confessional] I was totally lying.
Sky: [confessional] Usually, I don't rely on others to help me win. But I think the best thing I can do is team up with Sugar.
Y/N: [Confessional] At this point Sky is just playing with fire, That fat yokel is gonna betray her at any second
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Jasmine: Wow, did you think of this all on your own?
Shawn: Um, yeah?
Jasmine: Shawn, we obviously aren't gonna vote each other off, but once we eliminate Y/N, Sugar and Sky, we'll be facing each other in the finale.
Shawn: Uh-huh.
Jasmine: When that happens, we should just play for keeps, then split the money 50/50 regardless of who wins.
Shawn: Uh, yeah. [coughs] Pomegranate? [confessional] Aw, man. How am I gonna break it to her? I need the whole million, half's no good! I've designed a zombie-proof bunker, and if I have to cut corners on the construction materials, I might as well turn it into a ZB&B: Zombie Bed and Breakfast, where my brains are the breakfast, and the beds are... well, they're just beds.
Jasmine: [confessional] Shawn is such a nice guy to split the million with me. All we have to do is get to the end and avoid that dreadful cannon.[real time] I'm so glad you feel the same. This way, we can't lose.
[amp feedback]
Chris: [over loudspeaker] Sorry! Sorry about that. Seems like every time I press this button, it--
[feedback]
Chris: [over loudspeaker] Yep, it's definitely this button. Anyone, time to join me at the base of Mt. McLean. I just named the mountain. Named it after me. You know, McLean? 'Cause I'm awesome? Anyway, just get over here. Pronto.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: Congratulations. You should be very proud of yourselves for making it to the final five. Proud and utterly terrified of what awaits you.
Shawn: Is the island gonna try and kill us again?
Chris: Nope. The island is now completely offline, thanks to two people whose names I never want to hear again.
Y/N: You mean Max and Scarlett.
Chris: Ahem! Okay. Today's challenge is called Mount Everfast. Which is like Mount Everest, only this mountain was modeled after one in...
[loud crunching]
Chris: Why are you eating a cabbage?
Sugar: My colon's more crammed than a city bus during a rush hour snow storm.
[butt growls]
Sugar: The wheels are spinnin', but it ain't movin'.
Chris: Ugh. Okay, my fault for asking. Now, the rules are simple. At the top of Mt. McLean, is a flag. The first one to capture the flag wins immunity and gets to feed on a fabulous takeout dinner. The last two to make it to the top gets fed to the cannon. Chef?
You, Jasmine, Shawn, and Sky: [talking over each other]
[airhorn blares]
Chris: Go!
Sugar: [panting]
Chris: This is gonna sound crazy, but I kinda miss that wizard kid. Forcefield!
Chris and Chef: [laughing]
Y/N: You mean Leonard
Chris: Just go
Y/N: Right, got it
Chris: Ah, okay. Time to make their lives miserable.
[whirring]
[growling]
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Y/N: Sky, Sugar, I think we should pair up in order to stay Ahead,
Sky: Sounds good to me, Sugar, keep moving! We're a team, so you've gotta keep up!
Sugar: Sky... sometimes... you gotta stop to... and... um, smell the flowers! [inhales] Ooh.
Sky: After we win! Let's go! Stay close. Knowing Chris, there are booby traps all over this mountain.
Sugar: [laughing]
Sky: Ugh, I said booby traps. Just, c'mon! [confessional] When I win the million dollars, I'll hire the best Olympic trainers in the world and win gold in every event at the Summer and Winter Olympics. So even if I have to carry Sugar all the way to the top, I am getting that flag.
Sugar: [confessional] [laughing]
Sky: Come on, Sugar... You've gotta be kidding me... Help me out a little here!
Sugar: What? I am helping. I'm keeping my eyes out just like you said. Like them things right there!
Sky: [gasps] Run!
Sugar: All right!
Sky: Ah!
[crocodiles growl]
Sugar: Stay back, you filthy dinosaurs!
Y/N: Actually Sugar, they're crocodiles,
Chris: Well, to be exact. Killer crocs. If I were you, I'd get moving.
Sky and Sugar: Ah! Whoa.
[goat bleats]
[crocodiles growl]
Chris: What? They're leaving? I mean... whew! Close call! Ha ha. I am so glad you two are--
Y/N: Bullshit, you tried to kill us
[snap]
Sugar: Ow!
Chris: Hey! How dare they break my equipment? Do you know how much I had to pay for that monitor? Twenty bucks!
Sky: [groans] That was a bit of a hard landing. Wasn't it, Sugar?
Sugar: [muffled groaning]
Sky: Sugar?
Sugar: Ow...
Y/N: Your nose!
Sugar: [confessional] [nose plugged] My nose hasn't bled like this since I tried cow-tipping at Uncle Elliott's farm.
[flashback]
[western music]
Sugar: [giggles]
[whack]
[cow groans]
[flashback ends]
Shawn: So uh, what are you gonna do with the million bucks if you win?
Jasmine: It's always been my dream to have my own business. A flower shop/cage-fighting school called "Roses are Red, Bruises are Blue"!
Shawn: [confessional] Could she have a worse plan for the money? Most businesses fail in their first year! And the name she's chosen is the second worst name ever! A few years ago, my uncle opened up a tanning salon and lost everything. Never got a single client. Bernie's "Tanning Salon". His name wasn't even Bernie!
Jasmine and Shawn: [gasp]
Shawn: Now what?
Chris: Now you hop from one hoodoo to the next, until you make it across. Then there's a trick to it so listen up, this is important. Don't fall to your death. [laughs]
Jasmine: Or we could use our gear to climb down and then back up the other side!
Shawn: Ha, yeah!
Chris: Sure, if you think you have time before the crocodiles arrive.
Jasmine and Shawn: What?!
[crocodiles snarl]
Shawn: [confessional] Crocs are flesh-tearing, brain-eating, cold-blooded, green-skinned, tiny-legged zombies! See? Think, gotta think!
Jasmine: [confessional[ I'm really not scared of crocs. They're pretty much Australia's version of the domestic housecat, only with somewhat bigger teeth. And some say a slightly more lethal death roll. But they haven't met my Whiskers.
[flashback]
Jasmine: Whiskers! Time for your bath!
[cat yowls]
Jasmine: [yelling]
[static]
Jasmine: Okay... another time then.
[flashback ends]
Chris: You might wanna make a decision with the whole "avoiding the crocs" thing. Tick-tock.
Shawn: No time, too high, can't repel, zombie crocs. Oh, we're gonna get eaten. Brains! [screams]
Jasmine: Shawn? Shawn! He's not moving!
Chris: [chuckles] Incredible! He's actually frozen in terror. I thought that only happened in cartoons. Hilarious!
Jasmine: Shawn, come on!
[crocodiles]
Jasmine: We've gotta go now!
[beep]
Chris: Well, our final four may be no more. Will it be a double elimination ceremony, AKA, funeral? Find out next on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
[chomping]
Jasmine: Mwah!
Shawn: Ah! Are those croc-croc-croc...
[crocodiles snarl]
Jasmine: [confessional] I know I said I'm not scared of crocs, but knowing Chris, there's probably tigers inside those crocs. And sharks inside the tigers, and you'd be crazy to not be scared of a shark dressed like a tiger dressed like a croc! [real time] Shawn, we have to jump from hoodoo to hoodoo. It's just one tiny hop after another!
Shawn: I don't know if I can--
Jasmine: You can do it! You're amazing!
Shawn: I can do this. Yes! Here I go! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Chris: [chuckles] Oh no. Did I forget to mention those hoodoos are greased?
Shawn: Whoa whoa whoa, wha!
Chris: Ooh, ouch. [winces]
Shawn: Ah...
Jasmine: Shawn!
Shawn: [screams] Oof! [confessional] Jasmine totally saved my life! Honestly, if I could split the money with her, I would!
Chris: Took you long enough! Next time, would you mind attacking the contestants instead of the local game?
[crocodile burps]
Chris: Ew! Swinging log coming at you! And people say I don't care for the safety and well-being of our players.
[whack]
Jasmine: Ow... [groans]
Shawn: Gotcha! You okay?
Jasmine: I'm fine! Oh...
Shawn: [grunts] [confessional] She saved my life. I owed it to her. Besides, she's totally awesome. Aw, man. If this was a zombie apocalypse, I'd be so dead right now. [real time] [grunting and straining] Aw, come on!
[crocodiles whimpering]
Chris: What's wrong? Afraid of a little 150 foot drop? Maybe this will change your mind.
[crocodiles snarl]
Sky: No sign of those crocs! It's safe now!
Y/N: Sweet
Chris: Guys, welcome. You're still alive. That's okay, there's still plenty of time. And, it's a long way--
Sky: Whoa... Look how deep that-- [gasps] Sugar!
Sugar: Can we take a break soon? I'm just plain tuckered.
Sky: Um, sure... in a few more steps.
Sugar: [sighs] I feel like nothing's going right today. Oh, crud. We have to cross that? Here goes nothing.
Sky: No, no. We gotta go this way.
Y/N: I agree with Sky
Sugar: [laughs] If I was Chris, I totally would've made people cross that thing. [giggles]
Sky: [confessional] Okay. Being partners with Sugar is a lot harder than I thought. But a promise is a promise. So I'll do whatever it takes to win, as long as it's by the book.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Shawn: [straining]
Jasmine: Really, Shawn. I'm feeling much better. You can put me down now.
Shawn: Only if you're absolutely sure, because I could... carry you... all day.
Jasmine: Hope your arms are in better shape than your legs, 'cause it's time to break out the climbing gear!
Shawn: [groans]
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sugar: [panting]
Sky: Sugar, if this cave has an exit somewhere higher up the mountain, we could catch up to Shawn and Jasmine or even pass them.
Sugar: Yeah, but what if it doesn't?
Sky: It's a risk, but if we stay on the trail, I don't think we'll catch up to them.
Sugar: Hmm. Path or cave? "My mother punched your mother right in the head. H-A-E-D." Cave it is!
Y/N: I hope really our mothers never meet.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
[rockets firing]
Chris: Oh, killer robot crocodiles, is there anything you can't do?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Shawn: Gotta keep up. Gotta keep up. [straining] Gotta break it to her. Ah, ah! Ah, oh! That was close!
Jasmine: Shawn, you okay down there?
Shawn: Yep. I'm hangin' in there.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sugar: This cave is mustier than a wet dog in a storm cellar.
Sky: There. Sugar, I see daylight up at that--
Y/N: Wait
[bears snoring]
Y/N: Shh. Not a sound.
[whir]
Chris: Hi! I see you found out bear cave! Oops.
[bears roar]
Sugar: Nuh-uh. Sugar ain't going out like this. I got dreams to make real! [confessional] My plan for the money may seem real normal, but I wanna go to college. To study veteranarian medicine with a minor in cosmetology and then get a job! Putting makeup on famous animals. [real time] I may not be able to put lipstick on these bears right now. But someday, someone, somewhere, watching some movie will say, "You know who put the makeup on that monkey?" Sugar did!
Sky: What?
Sugar: I can get us out of this, but it ain't gonna be pretty. Can you handle it?
Sky: Um...
Sugar: I said can you handle it?!
Sky: [confessional] I have no idea what Sugar is about to do, but I am 147% sure I can't handle it.
Sugar: You bears are about to be Sugared! [straining]
[butt gurgles]
[farting]
[explosions]
Sky: [gulps] Oh... what happened in there?
Sugar: Remember the nine heads of cabbage that I--
Y/N: Okay we get it, Thanks Sugar, Ugh it's burning my nostrils
Sky: 'Nuff said.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Jasmine: You know, us working together like this, there's no way we won't win. And I'll be happy to split that million 50/50 with you, partner!
Shawn: Uh, yeah! Split. Sure thing!
Jasmine: You, you are okay with that, right? [screams]
Shawn: Wha, Jasmine!
Jasmine: Oof!
Shawn: You okay?! Hang on!
Jasmine: No! I'll get out of this and meet you up there! But you go and get that flag, you hear me? Go!
Shawn: All right! I'll see you at the finish line!
[ripping]
Jasmine: Uh-oh. I hope something breaks my fall. Whoa!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sugar: Mama says if you roll around in the dirt for twenty minutes, it'll rub the stink right off of you.
Jasmine: Whoa!
Sky: Do you hear something?
Jasmine: Oof!
Jasmine, Sugar, and Sky: [groaning]
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Shawn: [grunts] Phew. Huh.
Y/N: Oh hey Shawn
Shawn: Y/N how'd you-
Y/N: Took a quicker path [Quietly] Sky and Sugar should be right behind
[crocodile growls]
Shawn: How in the heck did a crocodile get up here?!
Chris: Are you kidding me? These robo-crocs can do anything! They're even equipped with the latest version of MyTunes.
[dreamy music plays]
Chris: Anyway, they're gonna eat you. Good luck!
Y/N: Well this has been fun but no hard feeling Shawn but, Later
[You rush off to the flag]
Shawn: [yelling] Wha, wha, ah! Yes! Oh, man...
[Chomp]
Chris: [chuckles] So close. Oh, well. I guess that's what--
[dreamy music]
Chris: What?
[explosion]
Y/N: [coughs] Oh yeah! Ha!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: We have a winner! Y/N captured the flag and won immunity. The next two to the top get to stay. Last two here blasts away.
Sugar: [confessional] I've only gotta beat one of them to the top. And Sky's making herself easy pickins. Time to show her that playing dirty is the best way to play. [real time] Oh, Sky, I'm so tired! I don't think I can do anymore!
Sky: C'mon, Sugar. We're a team, we can do this!
Sugar: You mean I can do this!
Sky: [screams]
Jasmine: Oh no! Sky!
Sugar: Don't hit your head on the cannon! [laughs]
Sky: Woohoo! [confessional] Sugar, our deal is off!
Chris: And Sky comes in second!
Sky: Yeah, woohoo!
Chris: Yeah, Sugar, Shawn and Jasmine, I can think of one million reasons why you should get moving.
Sugar: [gasps] No! No! Oh, fudge nuggets!
[tree falls]
Jasmine: Ah! Ow!
Sugar: I meant to do that! [giggles]
Jasmine: [growls]
Sugar: [laughs nervously]
Jasmine: [growling]
Sugar: [screaming]
Jasmine: [grunting]
[airhorn blares]
Chris: Sugar makes it to the top! Shawn, Jasmine. You're going home.
Shawn: Dang it
Jasmine: Oh...
Sugar: [confessional] Man, a makeup monkey lady is still in the game! Boom!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: I imagined a different outcome. But as long as I get to shoot someone out of a cannon, I'll sleep okay. Sugar, Sky, and Y/N are safe. Y/N, you win dinner. A takeout order from the Prairie Oyster Palace!
[Chris]
"You're nuts
If you're not nuts
About these nuts"
Y/N: Can I share with Shawn and Jasmine?
Chris: Sorry, pal. Shawn for some reason had a leg cramp and Jasmine couldn't get up from down under the tree, so they both got a date with a cannon.
Sugar: [giggles]
Chris: Is that croc wearing makeup?
Sugar: So pretty.
Y/N: Man, I should've helped you guys instead of going ahead.
Jasmine: It's okay.
Shawn: Even If were not on the island, we'll still be friends with you Y/N
Y/N: Thanks
[You and Shawn fist bump]
[stomach growls]
Sugar: Better hurry it up! I got a cannon of my own about to go off here!
Chris: Quickly, Guys! Quickly!
Jasmine and Shawn: [kiss]
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Chris: Fire in the hole!
[boom]
Shawn and Jasmine: [echoed scream]
Sugar: Better take cover, the bus is about to move!
[farting]
Chris: Next time... [coughs] Total. [coughs] Drama. [coughs] Ah... ugh...