Chris: Last episode was crammed full of monkeys, and monkey crammed full. And although Team Kinosewak got trapped, it was Team Maskwak who lost a player. All because Ella-- sweet, sweet Ella-- went against my wishes and sang her own swan song. Hey, beat it! Ella's gone. I shot her.
[animals gasp]
Chris: From a cannon. Off the island. (The animals leave) Thank you. Anyway, what were we doing? Oh, right. Eight players remain. Who will stay and who gets blasted away? Find out right here, right now on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
Jasmine yawns
[clunk]
Max [muttering]: Eh? Must your giant feet be so noisy? I was having the most delightful dream.
Jasmine: Was it you being blasted out of a cannon for costing us the last challenge? That was my dream.
Max: No, I was being carried by many minions like an Egyptian king.
Jasmine: Looks like your servants are still with you.
Max [screaming after noticing the ants]: Ants! Bah! Foul vermin! [gasps] Ew! Disgusting! Sidekick! Clean my bed at once! Where is that lazy fool? Sidekick!
Scarlett groans
(Confessional: Scarlett)
Scarlett: I. Need. Him. Gone. When people realize how dense he is, they'll know I made all his gadgets.
(Confessional Off)
Scarlett gasps
Max [evil chuckle] :Feel the heat of my death ray! [evil laugh] Ah! My bed! The ants have started a fire somehow!
Dave: Sky... will you be my jungle queen?
Sky: What?!
Dave: I said, want some berries? They're clean.
Sky: Oh. Thanks.
(Confessionals Onn)
Sky: Okay, I kinda flirt with Dave sometimes. And I dreamt about him. And my tummy fills with butterflies when he's around, but that doesn't mean I have a crush on him. I can't. I'm not looking for romance. He gets it.
Dave: Sky's acting weird, and I'm no dummy. I get it. It's 'cause I haven't kissed her yet! I just want our first kiss to be perfect, you know?
(Confesionals Off)
Dave chews
Sugar: Them two bein' lovey-dovey means one thing. An alliance! We gotta keep 'em apart, or else it's game over for one of us.
Shawn: Probably you
Y/N: Defiantly you
Sugar: Or, we could form an alliance of our own.
(Confessional: Onn)
Shawn: There's no nice way to say this. I'd rather be eaten by a zombie!
Y/N: an alliance with the person who got my crush kicked off, no thanks, and how do I know you ask, I have my suspicions
(Confessional Off)
Dave: Uh, you got a little something there. No, no, please. Allow me.
Sugar [gasps]: I got it! [lick]
(Confessionals Onn)
Dave: Note to self: Never kiss Sky's left cheek.
Sugar: Ain't gonna be no lovey-dovey alliances happening while I'm around. I'm like the opposite of one of them match-making fairy godmothers. Whatever that would be. Some sort of unicorn, I guess.
(Confessionals Off)
Sky: Well, there goes my appetite.
Sugar: So you don't mind if I eat these? [eating noisily]
[airhorn blares]
Chris [over loudspeaker]: Calling all contestants! It's time to get rolling! [chuckles] Uh, that'll make sense in a minute.
Sugar burps
Chris: Listen up, everyone. Today's challenge is simple.
[all sigh]
Chris: Simple and deadly.
[all groan]
Chris: You'll all be racing across the island in turbo orbs! Each team will cram into one turbo orb and run like a hamster in a wheel. First team to the other side of the island wins immunity.
Topher: Both teams are sure to have a ball.
Chris: Just get in the orb, Topher.
Topher: Hey! Watch the hair!
Sky: Stop pushing!
Sugar: I'm not pushin'! I'm shovin'!
Shawn: who's poking me
Y/N: that's my leg
Jasmine shudders
Chris: Jasmine? Hello? You still on Australian time? [chuckles] I actually have no idea if that's ahead of us or behind us, but you get the joke.
Jasmine: Okay. Just gonna get inside that small, cramped, confined ball, no way out. Let's do this. [shuddering]
Chris: That's the spirit!
Jasmine: Okay, so I might be claustrophobic.
Shawn: It's sad when a person lets a single irrational fear control their whole lives.
Jasmine: I'm okay. Just have a teeny issue with confined spaces. No biggie. [shuddering]
Chris: Uh-huh. You know what else is a confined space? A cannon.
Jasmine shudders
Chris: Okay, bad cop didn't work. Time for good cop. Jas, I didn't know you had this phobia. Now that I do, I realize this challenge is harder for you than anyone else and that's unfair. Chef, toss her in!
Jasmine: [gasps] Ah! Ow!
Dave: Uh, we can't see out of these.
Chris: Oh no.
Dave: Ow.
Chris: You might feel a slight drop! Ready! Set! Go!
[all scream]
Chris: Ha ha ha!
[all grunting]
Sky groans
Dave: Ow! I mean, hi.
(Confessional: Dave)
Dave: Score! Near death experiences always make girls wanna kiss!
(Confessional Off)
Sugar [groaning]: Breakfast berries want out. [vomits] Mm-mm! When all you eats is berries, you pretty much just barf jam.
Dave screams and cries
[creak]
Jasmine: Oh, look. We're at the bottom of a deep, dark cave. How 'bout that?
Topher: Ha! Host fail! I'd like to see Chris narrate us out of this one.
Chris: What was that, Topher? So, your real challenge is getting out of this cave.
Scarlett: Why bother with the bogus challenge?
Y/N: I agree with Scarlett, I mean you could've killed us
Chris: If I had said I wanted to cram you into giant balls and drop you 140 feet into a cave, you all would've moaned and whined. This was easier!
Shawn: True.
Chris: Moving on, there are two bags of supplies somewhere behind you.
Max: Let's see... rope, climbing accessories, night vision goggles... ugh, useless!
Sky: Kitty litter? A Beardo beatbox CD and soy sauce packets? Seriously?!
Chris: One bag might be more helpful than the other. Now, if you look around, you'll see a bunch of tunnels. They all lead to a single exit on the surface, where the finish line awaits. But, some will get you there safer or faster than others. First team across the finish line wins. One more thing. According to Cree legend, no one who's gone in has ever come out.
[all gasp]
Chris: But hey, I thought the fall would kill you. So, congrats on surviving that. Your challenge starts... now!
[airhorn blares]
[rumble]
Sky: So, it's all about choosing the right tunnel to get out fastest!
Scarlett: Fast would be preferable. This pit seems to be structurally unstable.
Jasmine: Out! Gotta get out!
[rumbling]
Shawn: Uh, maybe pounding the walls and yelling isn't a good idea.
Sugar: It's a cave in!
Y/N: Okay, now it's a cave in!
Team Maskwak scream
Team Kinosewak scream
Jasmine: Ah! Is there a more spacious way out? With better lighting and maybe some windows?
Topher: My face! Must save my face! Oof!
Max: Sidekick! This way!
Scarlett: No, this one, Max. This one.
Shawn: Which one? [gasps] I see daylight. Come on!
Sky coughs
Dave coughs
Sky: Dave, are you all right?
Dave: I am now.
Sugar burps
[bats squeak]
Shawn: Bats!
Dave: Mm? [spits] Bat lips! I kissed bat lips! [screaming]
(Confessional: Dave)
Dave: The weirdest part? That bat was totally into it.
(Confessional Off)
Y/N: what are those glowing worms
Sky: Whoa... a colony of glow slugs.
Dave: Glow slugs? Worst children's toy ever.
Shawn: At least they're lighting the way.
Sugar [chews and gulps]: Mm. They go down easy.
Dave: Aw, Sugar. Blech. I think you just broke my gross-out meter.
Sugar: Whatever, Bat Kisser.
[shing]
Shawn: Whoa! Are you guys seeing this?
Sugar: Wow, look at me! Choo-choo! I'm a bus! Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga
Y/N: That's a train, not a bus, you disgusting yokel
Sky: Whatever works.
Jasmine: I can't see a thing! I can't see!
Topher: Here, night vision goggles. They work great.
Jasmine: Oh. Good. Now I can see how cramped the cave is. Hey, where's Scarlett and Max?
Topher [gasps] : Oh no!
Jasmine: Don't worry, I'm sure they're fine.
Topher: What? No. I have no bars down here. I'm expecting a call.
Jasmine: Hey! We need to focus! If our team loses, Max and Scarlett will team up and vote one of us off. Those two are practically married.
Max: You'd better go ahead of me. There might be booby traps.
Scarlett: This cave is weird.
Max: Maybe the cave thinks you're weird.
Scarlett: Those stalactites shouldn't be here.
Max: And where should they be? Wyoming?!
Scarlett: It's just that there isn't any evidence of mineralized water deposits on the cave floor.
Max: Heh. And I suppose you find it odd that there's also several cameras and a large monitor over there.
Chris [whispering] : Hey, guys. Welcome to the Spike Zone. Try to stay quiet, or all those stalactites will rain down and skewer you like kebabs. [chuckles]
Max: Thank you for the warning. You are now in my favor. We shall tiptoe through slowly and--
Chris: Eh, tiptoeing is boring to watch... so, here's a crocodile.
[crocodile roars]
Chris: Remember, your entire team has to cross the finish line, so no leaving behind legs or hands. Okay?
Scarlett: [confessional] This is my chance to get rid of Max. If he doesn't make it back, we lose, and he gets voted off. [real time] Wait. Why don't you train it to be your reptile minion?
Max: [gasps] That's a brilliant idea! You there! Heel!
[chomp]
Max: Ah! Phew. Brainless mammal! Minion, it's not-- minion?
[chomp]
Max: [yowls]
[rumbling and cracking]
Max: Ah!
Chris: Aw, it was just getting good! [sighs] Stay tuned to find out who gets buried and who comes out on top, here on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!
After thr break
Max: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
[powering down]
Max: Ah... that is heaven. Ew! Croc innards are disgusting!
Scarlett: It was mechanical? Hey, I bet everything down here is. And it's all controlled by remote. If I can piece together a transmittor to send out signals, who knows what we can find? I bet they're all using neighboring frequencies!
Max: Wait. You're doing what frequently?
(Confessional: Scarlett)
Scarlett: My brother pulled my hair once, so I made his remote control toys come to life and attack him in the night. Every night. For six years. He's still in therapy.
(Confessional Off)
Max: Stop babbling! That croc bit me! I demand you suck the poison out!
Scarlett: Crocs aren't venomous.
Max: Do as I say!
Scarlett growls
Topher Jasmine presses on as the cave gets deeper, darker, narrower. The faintest sound could cause a cave in that would surely crush every bone--
Jasmine: Do you mind?
Topher: Do you? Someone has to host in Chris' absense.
Chris: I'll take it from here, Toph. You've just reached The Leap of Faith. Even with the night vision goggles, you can't see the bottom. You've gotta have faith and just jump in. It leads to the way out, or sharks. I honestly can't remember. Either way, you can't go back the way you came.
[explosion]
Chris: Good luck!
Topher: Man... it's like a bottomless black hole to nowhere. Wanna go first? Ah! [straining]
Jasmine: Topher, no! There needs to be another way!
Topher [strained]: Jas...can't... breathe! About to pass out.
Jasmine: Topher? No! Ah! Huh? How did you know it wasn't super deep?
Topher [strained]: Didn't. Please... let go.
Shawn: Whoa!
Chris: Welcome to the Gem Cave. This ruby ravine is home to a bear. But not just any bear. The Bling Bear! Ha ha ha!
Sky: Bling bear?
Y/N: I can probably snag these
Chris: Trust me, you don't wanna make him mad. Just walk through here without stealing a gem, and you'll be okay.
Y/N: okay, hands to myself don't take gems got it
Dave: Fine, whatever, let's just go!
[bear growls]
Chris: And you failed. That was fast.
(Confessionals Onn)
Dave: What the heck? Nobody took any diamonds?
Sky: My guess is that Sugar ate one so that everything she says sparkles.
Shawn: Shiny.
Y/N: [Your Eyes shift left and right making sure no one was around then you take a gem and put it in your jacket, look at the camera] Shhhh
(Confessionals Off)
[bear growls]
Sugar: Wait. That's just Scuba Bear with--
Sky: Run!
[bear growls]
Topher [gasps]:Hey, think it leads somewhere?!
Jasmine [groans]: Great. Let's go down the even more cramped, confined, tiny... [grunts] Okay, I need to stop talking.
Topher: Ha! Bars! I got bars! Two of them! This must lead to the exit!
Jasmine: No no no no no! [hyperventilating] It's a way out, Jasmine. It's a way out.
Max: I'm feeling more bored than evil. Are you finished yet?
Scarlett: Done. No I'll try the universal signal for garage door openers.
[ding]
Scarlett: Heh, you still think this cave is normal?
Max: Of course. It's just an ancient Cree secret passage.
Scarlett: With carpeting and muzak?
Max: Clearly the Cree had taste. And you no longer need this useless thing.
[ding]
Scarlett: No!
(Confessional: Scarlett)
Scarlett: Who knows what else on the island could've been controlled with that remote?! It's official. I. Hate. Max.
(Confessional Off)
[bear growls]
Dave: We gotta swim? Is that safe? Cave water is clean, right?
Sugar: Cannonball!
[bear sniffs, groans]
Y/N: just plug your noses and move it
[You dive in]
Y/N: Oh so gross, but It's worth it
Sky: He's not following us? Weird. He had a snorkel and everything.
Dave: Well, you know how bears hate losing their jewelry in the pool.
Sky: Heh. I like how funny you are.
Dave: Not to kill the mood, but did you fart?
Sky: No! I-It does stink a little though. We should keep moving.
Sugar: A stream! It has to be coming from the surface!
Sky: We can follow it out!
Y/N: come on, We gotta keep moving
Sugar: It's so muddy, I keep slipping!
Sky: Keep moving, I see daylight!
Y/N: then let's get going
Sugar [grunting]: We made it, guys!
You, Dave, Sky, and Shawn scream
Y/N: I can't believe it we're alive, sweet wait, were did we come out of
Sky: The toilet? We came out the toilet?!
Shawn: That means the water... and the muddy cave, it was all-- [gasps]
Y/N: Poo water
Sky, You, and Shawn: Ugh.
Sky: Dave, you okay?
[thud]
Sugar: Oh, big whoop. None of you'd ever win Easter egg hunt on my farm.
[beeping]
Jasmine: Are we dead yet?
Topher: Keep going, I just got another bar! That's three! Four bars! Five!
Jasmine: What's wrong?
Topher: Good news, I see daylight. Bad news, I know what dug this tunnel.
[gophers growl]
Topher: Turn back! Gophers go for the face! I need my face!
Jasmine: We're not going back!
Chris: Yup. I have lost the kids. Better grab our getaway bags and fake passports, "Hector".
Jasmine [muffled scream]: Freedom! [panting]
Topher: Did we win?
Chris: No! That's not the right exit.
Sky: It's not the worst one either.
Chris: Ugh! What's that stench?
Shawn: We came up through the uh--
Dave: [crazy noises] Never clean!
Max: Blast! How did we not win? [gasps] They must've found the faster elevator.
Chris: Elevator? Look! None of you won! I said the first team to cross the finish line, and none of you did. You skipped dozens of awesome challenges. We don't even have enough footage for an episode! You're all disqualified! This whole episode is a bust!
Jasmine, Topher, You, Sky, Shawn, and Sugar cheer
Sky: No elimination!
You: we all get to stay in the game
Chris: Oh, no no no no no. There will be an elimination. [chuckles]
At the Elimination Cerimony
Chris: As you can see, I had a special reward planned. Darwin's All You Can Eat Food Safari.
Sugar: Darwin's Food Safari? I starred in a TV commercial for them! I was amazing! It went like this.
[airhorn blares]
Chris: Tonight's elimination will be... this dinner! Chef?
[gasoline glugging]
[boom]
[all groan]
Chris: Now, I have a serious matter to discuss. It's become obvious that a certain "couple" is well on their way to Smooch City. I think we all know who I'm talking about. This kind of lip-locked alliance is unfair to the other team members. It's also kind of awkward. So, I've decided to split them up.
(Confessionals Onn)
Sky: I really like Dave, as a friend. But this is for the best, and I know Dave agrees.
Dave: No!
(Confessionals Off)
Chris: So without further ado... I'm breaking up... Max and Scarlett.
Scarlett: We? Him? Me? No, but, oh no, we're not--
Dave: Phew. That was close.
(Confessionals Onn)
Max: Hardly my fault. I have two things women love. An evil, evil mind, and a sense of humor.
Sugar[crying]: Their love was so beautiful!
(Confessionals Off)
Chris: Max, join Team Maskwak.
Max: I'd say it's been a pleasure, but we all know the truth. You're inferior.
Chris: Oh, and just so the teams aren't lopsided, hmm, Sky, you're now on Team Kinosewak.
Sky: Wow. I guess I gotta go.
Dave: Hey, this doesn't change anything. We can still--
Max: You're in my seat. Gone with you!
(Confessionals Onn)
Dave [crying] : It's not like we're on different island. There's still a shot, right?
Sky: I'll miss Dave. But at least now he knows there is no shot.
(Confessionals Off)
Chris: So, we had eight and nine remain. But, I promise we'll feed that cannon some human next time. Here, on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!