Beside me, Esther is practically giddy. At seventy-two, she might be an older version of me. We've been strapped into the harness attached to the thick silver cable above, and we're waiting to be launched into the abyss. Her husband doesn't like heights, and when she found out I'd do this with her, she talked my ear off the entire way to the ticket desk. She's a ziplining pro.
"You'll have to come back in the summer," she says. "That's the only time you can ride the Sasquatch."
Fitting that they'd name that zipline course after a mythical beast. The fog is thick around us, and while the guy who strapped us in said it would clear down the line, it's exciting to be released into something I can't see. Anything could await us beyond the fog. Paige would be having an absolute fit at the unknown, I'm sure, but I love that I have no idea what's in store for me.
"At what point did you feel grown up?" I ask Esther.
"Grown up? Psh." She flicks her hand. "Sometimes I look in the mirror and I startle myself. Who is that old woman in my reflection? You almost forget that how you feel on the inside isn't matched by the outside. I don't feel old, but I sure as shit look it." She chuckles.
I should probably tell her she doesn't look old, but she really does. Laugh lines and wrinkles everywhere, and it's clear her chin length blonde hair is of the bottle variety. But her energy isn't old. It's infectious, the kind of person I hope I am when I'm older. Brilliantly, unwaveringly, alive.
"I guess I'm just struggling," I say. "I turn thirty in a little less than six months, and what I want for myself seems to be different than what people want for me."
"What do you want for yourself?" Esther asks as the guy in charge double checks all our connections.
"It would be a lot easier if I could answer that with any sort of certainty." I give her a wide smile. "I just know that I don't want what they want."
"To discovery," she says, and she raises her eyebrows. "You never know what's just beyond the fog."
Then without warning, our brake releases, and we're zooming down the cable.
At first the fog is so dense that I'm certain the guy at the top was wrong; we're not going to see anything. Then we come out of the mist in a rush, and the view opens up to something incredible. Mountains flank us on either side, still capped with snow, and there's a chill in the air that makes me wish I'd worn my winter jacket after all. Early May is surprisingly cold when you're up this high.
Higher than I expected, but if I'd thought about it, I'd have realized the ride up the mountain and then the number of stairs to reach the launching point had to make the distance between our bodies and the ground substantial. It's the kind of height that should inspire anxiousness, and I'm sure it would in my sister. That's not how I feel though as we sail through the cool air.
Esther and I are still in sync, and she grins over at me. "Exhilarating!" she shouts.
It is. It really is. And it's the first time since I boarded my plane in Detroit that I've been sure I've made the right choice. The practical whispers of my mother and Paige and even, surprisingly, Izzy, have faded to nothing.
I throw out my arms and suck in a deep lungful of air. Life was meant to be lived.
~ * ~
The next morning when we all pile onto the bus, I'm still buzzing. After we ziplined, I played third wheel to Esther and Colin's dinner at an upscale restaurant near the lodge. Between the mountain top adventure and the cost of my meal, I'm spending money I shouldn't be so early in the trip. Soon, I'll have to find ways to cut costs because I'm not supposed to work in Canada. The money I brought is the money I've got.
In exactly one hundred and seventy-eight days, I'm slated to fly out of St. John's, Newfoundland on the other side of the country. I'm not wasting a single day, even if I don't currently have anything planned, but the end date does mean I'll have to schedule certain transportation aspects to get me there on time.
Months from now. Lots of time. So much time. Logistics is my specialty.
The bus rumbles to life, and we're pulling out of the parking lot headed for Kamloops. Esther and Colin have already invited me on their planned adventures, and when I glance at my seat companion, I decide that whether he'll ever join me or not, I'll keep asking.
Some people are sand, their desires constantly shifting and changing. That's me. I'm sand. But other people are boulders, and you've got to wear them down. Blake and I might not have spent much time with each other, but there's no doubt he's a rock. Solid. Probably hella stubborn. The chances of us sleeping together are zero at this point, but if I can get him to smile, I'll count it as a win.
From my backpack at my feet, I draw out my sketchpad and a set of charcoal pencils. Since I can't keep eating up data costs on my phone, and my seat partner thinks grunting and pointing at his oversized headphones is s civilized method of communication, I need another way to amuse myself.
Caricatures are easy enough, and from memory I start outlining one of Esther. For the rest of the drive, I alternate between staring out the window and adding more details to the drawing.
By the time we pull into the next motel, my idle doodle has turned out to be far more elaborate than it would have been had I been sat beside anyone other than stoic, silent Blake. The guy is a wall. I flip the sketchbook closed and decide I'll show Esther later. We all rise to our feet to disembark, and when Blake lowers his headphones, I pounce.
"Esther, Colin, and I are doing a bike tour, visiting a winery, and then we're going to the casino. Any interest?" I peer up at him.
One of his eyebrows lifts, and he scans my face. The exact color of his eyes is still a mystery. Sometimes when I've managed to catch his gaze I've been sure they're green, and other times, they seem more blue. "Sounds like a full day," he murmurs.
"A fun day," I correct.
"No," he says, and then he tacks on as an afterthought, "thanks."
"Exercise, drinking, and gambling. It's the trifecta of awesomeness. You're missing out."
"I'm not even sure what to say to that." Blake pushes his dark hair out of his eyes with his big hand, but it's not quite long enough to tuck behind his ears, and so it merely falls forward again.
"You said something, so that's an improvement." I give him a wide grin to temper my blunt words.
"Hmm." He doesn't say anything else, but there's a slight softening in his face when he looks at me next time, as though he got my point.
There's anti-social. And then there's him.
We get off the bus, and Blake is headed to the reception desk to check in before I can even get my bag from below.
"A very attractive man with some very big issues, I suspect," Esther says from beside me when she catches me watching him.
"You think?" I let out a little laugh. "He reminds me of someone, though."
"Keanu Reeves," Esther says with authority. "Lord knows that man aged well. But good looks," Esther gives me a knowing glance, "don't keep a person coming back for more in the long run. Youth and beauty are nothing without substance. Hard to know if he's got any. What's he said, three words?"
"Maybe ten." I huff out a breath. "Doesn't matter. I didn't come on this trip across Canada to meet a guy." But I totally would have slept with him. I've got eyes, and he's worth looking at. "Guys are everywhere. This—" I fling my arms out "—is what I'm here for."
Esther pats me on the shoulder, and when her husband has their bags, we make our way to the check in counter. By the time we get there, Blake is peeling an orange and wandering away from the counter, and thus the pattern begins.
For the rest of the trip, Blake and I sit beside each other, barely exchanging more than a few words. At every stop, I ask if he wants to join whatever adventure I've organized or Esther's planned. Without fail, he turns me down, and without fail I find him drawing an orange or mandarin out of his backpack after check in, peeling it meticulously while he ignores us all.
It's maddening.
Partly because I hate the thought of my favorite scent being tied to a man who can barely stand the sight of me. I was sure there'd been a frisson of awareness that first day on the bus, but I haven't caught a hint of it since. As though he put a lid on our ability to create sexual tension.
Not that I was looking forward to a fourteen day trip of extreme horniness, but I think I'd have preferred it over the silent indifference. All my smutty thoughts could have fueled some solo adventures in my hotel room later.
Who am I kidding? He's still starred in a few self-care activities, but I've resented that his face has come to mind, his lips, his gravelly voice driving me to the point of insanity.
Must be because he's the only male on the bus even remotely close to my age. Desperate times.
When the bus pulls into our final motel in Prince Rupert, I get to my feet behind Blake, and I take a breath, preparing to be rejected the minute he takes his headphones off.
"Esther, Colin, and I are doing a whale watching tour, if you'd like to join." Truthfully, I'm not even sure I should be going. Colin and Esther spend money like water, and my budget is leaking through my fingers by the day. I need to seal it up or cut some corners, pronto.
"You are persistent to the end," he says without turning around, but there's the slightest edge of amusement in his tone.
In my head, I've already played out this conversation, so I almost miss it when he doesn't continue like I expect.
"What time?" he asks.
"What time?" I parrot back to him like an idiot. "This is the last stop on the trip. We don't have to get back on the bus."
"I'm aware," he says, and he half turns in the aisle. "The tour. What time?"
"Oh. Oh! Are you going to come? Oh, my god. That's amazing. One o'clock. The boat leaves at one o'clock." I fumble in my bag and then pass him the brochure. "Here."
One side of his lips quirk up, and he searches my face with an expression I cannot read before he nods his head and turns back around.
As soon as I'm off the bus, Esther clutches my arm and leans in close like we're back in high school, sharing a titillating secret about a boy I like.
"He's coming with us?" she asks in a fierce whisper. "Will the beast become a prince after all?"
"Esther!" I let out a little laugh. "No one needs a prince. No outdated patriarchal fairy tales here." I sound like my sister Paige, but her words are the only armor I've got against my usual pattern of falling hard and fast before abandoning a relationship. My soul doesn't appear to have been built for anything long term.
"I've never found men with shaggy hair like that very attractive, but he's the type of man to cause a woman to make an exception."
"If monosyllabic men are your jam, have at it," I say. "I like them slightly more talkative."
"There's an energy that hums between you two," she says with a secretive smile. "He's not immune to you. You'll see."
"It's not there, Esther," I say. "Today's our last day. He didn't say yes to a single experience until the last day."
"Some people need to be backed into a corner before they make the right choice."
"Even when I'm in a corner, I don't make the right choice." I grab my bag from under the bus, and Esther laughs.
"Seeing Blake out in the wild might be just as exciting as searching for whales," Esther says before Colin joins us with their bags and any speculation on Blake fades into the background.
Like Esther, I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to more—the chance to see some whales or the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what Blake might be like off the bus and speaking more than one or two words at a time.
Though, there's no guarantee the latter will happen, and that means it could be a very long afternoon.
For those of you who missed it, I've started a ridiculous experiment called Aidan's Obsession which is a werewolf/beast narrative. I've posted the first two chapters if you want to check it out. I'm sure it'll be fraught with plot holes and other things that don't make sense. I'm writing it purely for fun. If you're into angst and love against odds and possessive men...it might be your thing. If you're not into any of those things, that's cool too! I will keep updating this one once a week. The other is sporadic updates as I write and feel like publishing.
There are also two bonus chapters left for The Nanny. The next one drops on July 7th.
Update: Friday
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