・❥・
Five days.
Five fucking days that Sawyer hasn't talked to me.
Five fucking days that I haven't talked to Sawyer.
This week has been one of the worst weeks that I have ever experienced in my whole seventeen—almost eighteen—years of living.
That test that I took during fourth period on Monday was an absolute disaster. I was right, I failed it. I proved myself right and I really didn't want to.
When I asked Reece about the test, he said that he got an A. He didn't even study and he got an A! I was happy for him, of course, but there was this underlying feeling of envy. I literally studied my ass off for that test, all for nothing.
On top of the fact that I failed my test, every single day, Jake and his friends have found some sort of way to terrorize me. They'll call me nasty names when we cross paths in the halls, they'll blatantly insult me in front of people and sometimes they'll even try to grab onto me. They'll grab for my arms or my stomach and point out some of the fat that sits on them. But the worst part of it all is that the people that witness them doing it don't say anything. They'll either laugh or pretend that they didn't witness at all.
I haven't told anyone about the terrorizing though. I don't really want to be a burden. I can handle my own shit, even if it means having to deal with Jake and all of his dick sucking friends.
"Bye Margot, thanks for the ride." I hop out of the car not waiting for an answer and speed walk to my front door.
Things have been a little weird with Peyton, Margot and I. I've kind of been avoiding them. I'm embarrassed of the way that I broke down in the bathroom and that they had to see me like that. I sort of trauma dumped everything on them and I didn't mean to. I apologized to them for kicking them out of the bathroom and it's been a little tense since then.
I think they're waiting for me to open up to them. They're both the type of people to not pry into people's lives, so they'll let me move at my own pace. But if I'm being honest, I don't really feel like bringing that topic up again. I'll just tell them that I'm fine and we'll move on from there.
Truth be told, I miss them. A lot. I'm tired of all of this tension between us, I just want things to go back to the way that they were, and if telling them that I'm all good will make it that way, then I'm fine with that.
As I'm getting out of my school clothes, I hear the doorbell ring.
Normally, I wouldn't bother trying to open the door when I'm home alone, but I could care less at the moment.
As I'm opening the door though, I'm realizing that I should have listened to all of the times that my parents told me not to open the door, because if I did, Sawyer wouldn't be standing right here in front of me.
"Sage."
・❥・
・❥・
The door is closed in my face.
I bang my fist on the door. "C'mon Sage, open the door."
"Go away," she says.
"I want to talk to you."
"Well I don't want to talk to you," she counters.
"I have something to say," I explain.
"What if I don't want to hear what you have to say?"
"You do."
"How do you know what I want?"
If this woman wants to be stubborn, I can be stubborn too.
"Because I know you."
"You don't know me." I can see her shaking her head through the window of the door. "If you knew me, you'd know that I wouldn't want to speak to you after you gave me the silent treatment for five days straight without an explanation."
"I know and I'm sorry. Let me explain."
"I don't want your explanation. I want you to leave."
"I'm not leaving."
"Sawyer I swear if you don't get your ass out of here I will murder you, bring you back to life and then murder you again."
"As long as you hear me out before you murder me."
She groans. "I don't want to talk to you."
"I know."
"You hurt me."
"I know."
"You discarded me like I was nothing."
"I know and I'm sorry. Please, just hear me out and let me make it up to you."
She waits a few seconds before she responds. "Just go away. We have nothing to talk about."
Through the window of the door, I see Sage walk away and I feel myself growing desperate. I'm not leaving until she hears what I have to say, even if I have to sit here all night.
I'm. Not. Leaving.
❦
Poke. Poke. Poke.
My eyes shoot open and I'm immediately on my feet.
"Who are you?" A younger version of Sage asks as she looks up at me.
I quickly shake off the drowsiness and then introduce myself. "I'm Sawyer." I reach my hand out for a handshake.
A look of recognition crosses the girl's face. "I know you. My sister had the biggest crush on you in elementary school. I'm Avalon."
"Avalon? Damn, the last time I saw you, you were only in like second grade."
"Yeah, it's been a while. So, what are you doing here Sawyer?"
"I'm here for Sage." I scratch the back of my neck not explaining further. I don't want Avalon to know how shitty I treated her older sister.
"Sage?" Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "L-like my sister, Sage?"
"What other Sage would I be here for?"
"I—"
"Ava," a little girl says, coming up next to Avalon. "Who is this?"
Avalon looks down at the little girl. "Quinn, this is Sage's... friend. His name is Sawyer," she introduces.
I bend down to Quinns level so I can look her in the eye. "Hi Quinn." I reach my hand out for a handshake. "It's nice to meet you."
She takes my hand in her much smaller one and says, "Nice to meet you Sawyer." A blush floods her cheeks.
As I'm standing back up to my full height, I see two other people walking up the walkway to the front door. Sage's mom and her other younger sister I assume. This sister looks to be older than Quinn but younger than Avalon.
Mrs. Morales is obviously caught off guard when she sees me, holding her free hand up to her heart. "Sawyer? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"
"I... I screwed up and I really need to talk to Sage. I came earlier but she didn't open the door," I explain pathetically.
"How long have you been sitting there?" Avalon asks, her eyes widening.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and look at the time. "Two or three hours maybe? I'm not really sure."
Mrs. Morales shakes her head. "You shouldn't have done that. Something could have happened. And Sage should have opened the door for you, stubborn girl."
I chuckle. "It wasn't a problem, really. And I deserve it to be honest. I haven't been the best person to her recently."
The younger sister standing next to Mrs. Morales narrows her eyes at me. "You hurt Sage?"
I frown. "I didn't mean to."
"But you did." Her question comes out more like a statement.
I nod. "I did."
"Are you gonna say sorry?" She tilts her head, her eyes still narrowed.
"I want to, very much, but your sister is a tough shell to crack."
She stares at me for a few more seconds before she speaks. "She'll forgive you. She always forgives the people she loves."
I freeze. I can feel Mrs. Morales' eyes on me but I don't dare look at her. I'm scared she'll be able to see everything that statement made me feel and I don't think I'm ready to confront all of those feelings just yet.
I clear throat. "I hope so..."
Avalon speaks up. "Lilian."
"I hope so, Lilian. I really like your sister."
My feelings towards her sister make her smile. "I really like her too. She always tucks me into bed when mami and papi can't."
Mrs. Morales sends me a smile and then walks past me to open the door. "Let's show Sawyer inside so that he can make it right with your sister." She opens the door and leads us all inside. "Lilian, Quinn, can you please show Sawyer where your sister's room is?"
Both girls nod enthusiastically. They each grab one of my hands and then pull me further into the house, showing me to Sage's room.
Before I can lift my fist to knock on the door, both girls barge into the room running up to Sage who is doing her homework on her desk. She has her earbuds in so she doesn't notice the girls until Quinn taps her on the shoulder scaring her.
Sage squeaks and spins around in her chair to look at the girls. "You guys can't just sneak up on me like that. I almost had a heart attack." Both girls giggle.
"Sorry Sage," Quinn apologizes.
They both give her a hug and then turn around to look at me. Sage looks up, finally noticing me, and her face hardens. All of the happiness that was once there at the thought of her sisters is wiped clean.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, her voice emotionless. I have to hold back a flinch from her tone. "I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to you."
"And I thought I made it clear that I was going to make you hear me out one way or another." I cross my arms over my chest and meet her stare head on.
Sage looks back down at her sisters. "Is it okay if you girls give us some privacy." They both nod, running out of the room, but not before telling me goodbye. When they're gone, Sage stands from her desk chair and meets my eyes again. This time I notice the redness around her eyes and the puffiness of her face. She's been crying.
"I don't want to hear you out, Sawyer. How many times do I need to say it to get it through your thick skull?"
"Sa—"
"Hear him out, my love," Mrs. Morales interrupts from behind me.
Sage flicks her eyes to her mom, sending her a pleading look. "Mom."
Mrs. Morales sends her a look. "He waited outside for you to open the door. What does that say? Hmm?" she prompts.
Sage rolls her eyes. "That he's annoying."
"No. That he cares. Now, hear him out and let him explain. He's not leaving until he does." She nudges me further into Sage's room and then closes the door behind me. The door makes a click sound and Sage's jaw drops.
"She locked the door," she states incredulously.
"I guess she was really serious about this." The second I open my mouth, Sage looks at me again. A wave of pain flashes across her face before it's gone and she's turning back to her homework.
She's about to put her earbuds back in, but I don't let her. I walk up to her side and snatch them out of her hands before they can make it into her ears. She drops her head to her desk and groans.
"Please, Sage. Please just listen to me for a second."
If I have to get on my knees and beg her to let me explain, I will. I'd do it for her. Only for her.
She lifts her head from the desk and then looks at me, eyes glassy.
I made her cry.
"Fine, Sawyer. Go ahead, explain yourself."
I set her headphones on her bed and then walk up to her, bending down to cup her cheeks. She doesn't pull away, but she doesn't lean into my touch either. "Why are you crying?" I ask as softly as I can.
She shakes her head. "I'm not crying."
"Then why are your eyes welling up?"
"Because that's what happens when I'm about to cry."
"So you are crying," I confirm.
She shakes her head again. "I'm not crying, I'm about to cry. There's a difference."
"Why are you about to cry?" I swipe my thumbs across her cheeks.
"Because I had to sit there and watch you ignore me all week and pretend like it didn't bother me. I had to pretend like I was fine with forgetting everything that we did because you decided that you didn't want me anymore. I had to put up with so much shit this week and now that I want to just cry everything out, you show up with an apology."
"Sage—"
"No Sawyer." She stands from her chair and puts space between us, wrapping her arms around herself. "I get that you have your own shit. Truly, I do, but that doesn't mean that you can just take it out on me and ignore me like I don't matter. I have feelings too and you hurt them."
I'm a fucking asshole that hates himself right now. I hate that trying to handle my shit on my own, ended up hurting her in the process; that wasn't my intention at all. I didn't mean to hurt her, I just didn't want to burden her.
"If you don't want to be with me that's fine, I'll understand. I just need you to tell me the truth because I'm tired of having to piece everything together on my own. So, go Sawyer, say what you need to say."
I honestly don't know where to start so I just go with the first thing that comes to mind.
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"So then why did you?"
"I didn't even realize that I was hurting you until it was too late."
She scoffs. "You didn't realize that ignoring me everyday would hurt me? Yeah, okay."
"I know it sounds stupid and pathetic but I swear to you that's what happened." I try to step closer to her but every time I take a step forward she takes a step back.
"I need my space. You cloud my judgment and I need a clear head to have this conversation." I nod and take a few steps back, giving her the space she asked for. When we're a good space apart, she prompts me to explain.
"A few years ago after our fifth grade culmination, I, um, I-I started to get this sort of feeling. It's a combination of emotions that crash into me unexpectedly and all at once. It's like a mixture of sadness, loneliness, helplessness, uselessness and unloveable-ness. They all become too much and then I just shut down completely, leading me to push the people I care most about away.
"For a while, The Feeling—as I call it—went away. Like I saw you again after all of those years and that wave hadn't crashed into me since. It felt like a relief, not having to walk through life with this cloud over my head that could rain on me at any time, determining whether I had a shitty day or not. I thought since it started when you left, that it would go away when you came back, but turns out I was wrong. I woke up last Monday and I just knew that this feeling had nothing to do with you and more to do with me. I was stupid to think your presence would make it go away because it's not your job to fix me. This is my problem to deal with and I'm sorry that as I was dealing with it, I hurt you in the process."
We stand in silence, letting my confession marinate in the air. Sage is just staring at me and it's taking all I have not to fidget or reach out and hug her. Her silence is making me nervous and I'm scared she'll think everything that I just said is bullshit and never talk to me again. I can't lose her. I know what I did was shitty but I'd rather lick Logan's feet clean then lose her again, and his feet are my worst nightmare.
About two minutes of silence later, Sage speaks up. "You could have told me, you know. I would have understood. I would have been there for you to reassure you or just bring you comfort in any way that I could."
"I know you would have but it's not your job, Sage. I don't need you to carry my burdens for me when I can carry them perfectly fine on my own."
"But you don't have to anymore. Sawyer, I'm here and I see you and I can be there for you if you let me. You don't need to carry anything on your own anymore because I care about you and I'm willing to take on some of the weight too," she affirms.
"This isn't your burden to carry," I press.
"Well let me carry it anyway."
Word Count: 2801
author's note:
HIIIIIII! I'm not really sure if I like how this chapter came out but I tried my best and I hope you guys liked it at least a little bit. We got a little more about Sawyer and how he feels and I think it was really important because it shows that he isn't perfect. Sage and Sawyer are both teenagers that are not only figuring themselves out, but their lives as well. I just think it's important for you guys to know that they are gonna make mistakes but that doesn't mean that they won't be able to fix them.
I hope you guys are liking the story so far. I think I've had enough drama for the last two chapters so the next will be nice and fluffy :)
Be sure to let me know your thoughts on the book and characters :)
I love you and I am proud of you. I hope that you have a beautiful day <3
elisa <3