"Mrs Grant, it's been a while." she greeted back.
"It has indeed, I hope you've been well," she replied, kindly easing Natalie's nervous energy slightly as she did her best to ignore Adam's piercing curious gaze.
"I have." she lied and judging by how Mrs Grant's smile tightened, she knew but said none of it.
It was a difficult couple of years for everyone, even her.
"Good, I hope I get the chance to see you more from now on," she said sending Adam to her side.
Natalie could only smile back in reply and bid her goodbye with Adam who followed her silently, obedient but no less awkward.
Once they reached the car, Natalie simply opened the door and let Adam climb in before driving off in complete silence.
Parked up in front of the house, Natalie hesitated nervously. Going back to this house with Martin in it was one thing, but going back while he wasn't there was different.
Taking a few calming breaths, she dug up the house keys she had kept hidden in the glove box and stepped out to let Adam out.
Letting him run ahead of her, she took a moment to just stare at the big gates before her.
How could she even walk in like she was still allowed to?
"Mommy?" called Adam hesitantly his curious gaze ever so piercing as she snapped out of her dilemma.
Snapping to him surprised at the way he called her; it took her a moment to calm her racing heart and respond.
"O-Oh," she said blankly. "sorry." she breathed out moving to unlock the gate.
Once the gate opened, Adam ran ahead, and she took another breath as she slowly but surely followed.
Holding the keys, she hesitated for a minute before slowly slotting in the key and turning it as if opening a precious treasure.
"Uh," she began once Adam was in. "go do your homework or play, your dad will be back soon."
Nodding, Adam ran off leaving her standing at the entrance.
He was a pretty silent and obedient child which wasn't always the case, but she could only blame herself for that.
Knowing she couldn't stay there, she eventually headed slowly to the living room and sat carefully as if she didn't wish to imprint her presence.
I should call Martin to let him know where home, she thought taking her phone out with such shaking hands that made it hard for her to call.
"Natalie, hey, did everything go alright?" asked Martin as soon as he picked up.
"Uh, yeah, it was fine."
Martin breathed out relieved. "Oh, thank you, I just finished work, so I'll be back soon."
"Alright," she said hanging up and breathing out.
Come on Natalie, she scolded. This shouldn't be so hard, everyone else managed to go forward normally, only I keep running. Why is that? Is it because I'm weak? Selfish? Can anyone tell me?
Knowing no one could, she could only sigh and space out as she waited.
"I'm home!" called Martin appearing in the living room a few moments later startling Natalie.
Had so much time passed already!? How could she just space out like!? What if something had happened!? If anything had happened..., oh no, if something happened to Adam because of her she would never forgive herself, she had hurt him enough.
Looking up at him with an uncharacteristically wild, scared, guilty gaze which shocked him speechless, Natalie took a moment to fix her expression.
"Martin," she breathed. "sorry, I spaced out, Adam should be in his playroom, I'll go now," she said rushed as she got up to flee her gaze downcast since she couldn't face whatever expression he had.
Before she could flee, Martin grabbed her wrist and hugged her from behind before she could shake him off making her freeze her eyes wide.
"Don't go," he pleaded softly in her ear, and she suppressed a shiver as she shut her eyes closed.
She had only heard him sound so sacred, and vulnerable once before and she never wanted to again.
"I'm sorry for burdening you today, I just... I just didn't want to ask Gabby," he said, and instantly she broke away from his embrace glaring down at the floor.
"It's fine if you do," she replied as blankly as she could trying to leave again being stopped by Martin's grip on her wrist again.
"You don't mean that, do you?" he asked his heart shattering more than it already had.
Natalie pursed her lips and said nothing.
"Do you?" he asked again his voice shaking a little breaking her heart instantly as she clenched her fists.
Noticing her clenched fists and tense body language, Martin knew without her saying anything that she didn't and released her wrist.
Once her wrist was released, Natalie shoved her conflicting feelings which she should be used to by now despite her year of not feeling anything in the depth of her heart and turned to him with a closed look she hadn't possessed since she returned.
"Whether I do or not doesn't matter," she simply replied, and Martin could only open his mouth uselessly before closing it, clenching his fists, and frowning down at the ground.
Seeing the hurt she caused once more; Natalie could only swallow her guilt and flee.
She was good at that.
Watching her flee once more, Martin couldn't help but doubt.
Was Gabby, right? he wondered before shaking that thought. No, I have to believe in her not only for our family but for us.
"Daddy?" called Adam snapping him back to reality.
Turning to him, Martin forced a smile and bent down to his level.
"Hey buddy, sorry I couldn't come to pick you up, I was busy with work. How was your day?"
"It was good."
"That's good, did you do your homework?"
Adam nodded.
"Good boy," he praised patting his head. "what do you say we have fish and chips tonight," he suggested making Adam perk up and nod enthusiastically.
"Will mommy eat with us too?" he asked with the innocence of an eight-year-old Martin sometimes forgot he had.
Freezing, Martin took a moment to say anything.
"I'm sure she'd love to, but she had to go," he replied his smile becoming more strained than ever.
"Oh," said Adam disappointed.
"But, she's coming this weekend, so I'm sure she will gladly eat with you then, alright?"
"Okay," he said still somewhat dejected.
"Good, let's go get our fish and chips," he said standing and taking Adam's hand, deciding to walk there instead.
As they walked, Adam frowned brooding over something, and Martin couldn't help but smile reminded of Natalie when she was deep in thought.
"What's up?" he asked getting Adam to look up and down again as if wanting to say it but afraid to.
Recognising that look, Martin frowned, halted, and kneeled before Adam.
"Hey," he said softly doing his best to keep his hesitant gaze. "it's okay to say what's on your mind even if you think it's bad, I'll always listen, okay?"
Adam nodded. "Okay," he said shyly.
"Good, so what's wrong?" he pushed refusing to let it go.
Adam hesitated for a moment. "Is... is mommy staying or does she hate me?" he asked lowly struggling to hold his father's gaze.
Shocked and heartbroken by his words, Martin was at a loss for words.
"Wh-" he eventually breathed out. "What? No!" he insisted softly. "Adam, your mother could never hate you, she's just..." he trailed off not knowing how to explain this even to a child who understands without anyone saying anything. "She's hurting," he said deciding this was the easiest way to explain in a way he could understand. "so, we just have to gentle and patient with her, but believe me when I say she loves you. She came back for you after all," he reassured doing his best to keep the smile on his face and the envy away.
He shouldn't feel envious because his son was getting the love he deserved and not him.
The future was not yet set in stone, he could get lucky too.
"Then, does mommy love you?" he asked stopping Martin's, battered heart.
"Uh," he breathed out his face twitching slightly. "it's complicated, but I promise you it will be okay, alright?"
Adam nodded.
"Good," he said patting his head, standing, and taking his hand again.
It will be fine, right?
Allowing himself to simply enjoy this moment, Martin ate fish and chips with Adams in a nearby park and they watched the sunset cast beautiful honey, warm light over their city before they headed back in time for Adam's bedtime.
Once Adam tucked in, Martin found himself sitting at the edge of his double bed that always felt cold since the day he was forced to occupy it alone, reading over the letter Natalie left him all those months ago along with another thing that was just a dagger to his battered heart.
Martin, Adam, I'm sorry. That's all I can say now.
I realise that what I'm doing is selfish and hurtful to you both, but I can't do it anymore. I'm no longer fit to stand by both of you, and I can't be more sorry, but please don't come looking for me.
I need time, time to just forget, but know that I love you.
I love you more than you'll both ever know.
Honestly, he sighed internally. Having written such a letter, why did you truly return? Was it only for Adam or was there more to it? he wondered knowing he wouldn't receive any answers. Well, no matter the reason, I hope our family can be whole again one day.
Holding his hope close, he put away the letter in the bedside table draw and turned in for the night.
Jumping awake, Natalie took a few laboured breaths as her sweaty body constantly trembled.
Not again, she sighed to herself when she had calmed a little and was able to lean back against the headboard.
This was the fourth time tonight; she hadn't had nightmares this bad since... well since before she left.
If this was her punishment for hurting Martin and Adam, she won't complain.
She wouldn't have even complained if Martin had rejected her. She had no right to come back like this.
She didn't even know how Adam truly felt about her.
An empty chuckle escaped her.
How pathetic I am, I can't even trust myself not to run again and yet I'm trusting others too.
Unable to sleep again, Natalie once more watched the dark sky, go from pinkie-orange, to blue.
After dropping off Adam like usual, Martin headed to his office.
"Good morning, Martin, did everything go well yesterday?" she asked as soon as he passed the door.
"Good morning, Gabby, it was fine, was there any calls?" he replied diverting the topic swiftly.
Gabby tensed at the obvious diversion. "Yes, a new client, but I wasn't sure if you could take the job since you were still busy with your current ones."
"Mn, I still have my hands full, but..." he trailed off contemplating. "send me the info, and I'll ask Natalie to take the job," he said oblivious to the way Gabby tensed further at the mention of Natalie.
"Right," she replied still faking a smile as he headed to his office.
Settling down, Martin barely had the time to open his laptop before his phone went off.
Seeing that it was his mother calling, Martin allowed himself to sigh, look up to the ceiling then answer.
"Yes, mom?"
"Martin, how are you? I wish you would call more, you're always so busy, especially since that woman left," she said bitterly.
Already tired of the conversation, Martin practically bit his tongue. "I'm fine mom, why did you call?" he asked slightly impatient.
His mom sighed. "You don't need to rush me off the phone, I simply called to know if you wanted us to keep Adam this weekend."
"No need, Natalie's will be with him," he replied unaware of what he said until the line went silent.
"Mom?" he called wondering if she hung up.
"You're talking to that woman again?"