𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 I enjoyed about dressing more like how I felt was that it was something I got to share with Ellie. We finally got to shop at the same clothing stores, which gave us even more time than before to talk about music and what books or CDs we should trade. After barely seeing her last year with everything happening, it was nice to spend time with my best friend. We had more in common than ever despite not being around each other for so long, almost like we functioned on the same wavelength even when we were apart.
Then...
Ashley Kerwin struck again.
Ashley, who chopped off her hair and came to school dressed all in black. Because of course she did.
And wait until you hear her poetry. She made Edgar Allan Poe seem subtle and restrained.
I couldn't even be edgy without her trying to out-edge me.
Anywho, when we met on the steps that Friday morning, Craig seemed giddier than usual.
"You okay there, buddy?" I asked with a laugh.
Craig smiled wide and held open the door so I could walk in first. That dork. "I am better than okay. In fact, I'm great."
"Uh huh." I eyed him. "What? Did someone drug your cereal this morning?"
"Ha, ha. You're hilarious."
"I know." I gave him a bright smile.
He looked back at me, and there was a pause there—like there always was—before he shook his head and looked down. "Um...so, I have to cancel this weekend."
"Oh." I deflated but tried to sound chipper. "Cool. No worries."
So, Craig was busy. Ellie was hanging with Ashley. Maybe I'd bug Sean. We were still friends, even if I was a little less 'the world sucks, down with the establishment' lately.
"It's just... Joey's gonna be out of town. And, you know I'd totally have you over, cause — I mean — you're the first person I thought of inviting, but..." Craig cleared his throat. "Joey said no chi—um, no girls."
"Okay, initial reaction, kind of offended. Not feeling the trust. It's not like you're gonna try and put the moves on me if I stayed over," I said as a joke and added a laugh at the end for effect, my face getting hot as I mulled over what I just said. Why did I ever allow myself to speak?
He laughed weakly. "Right."
"Hey, I'm gonna stop by the girls' bathroom before heading to my locker." The words formed so suddenly, I knew I'd have to commit to them. I just needed to hide my face for a few minutes and recover some of my dignity. "See you in class?"
"Yep, sounds good!" he replied eagerly, probably just as thankful to end this conversation.
We parted at the next intersecting hallway, and I stopped, turning around to see Spinner, Marco, and Jimmy in the distance. No girls meant he was more than likely headed to make plans with the boys. "Hey, Craig?"
He stopped and turned. "Yeah?"
I waited until a gaggle of girls passed, swallowing my pride. "I was the first person you wanted to invite?"
The soft, nervous smile tugging at his lips was one I'd get used to over the years —becoming intimately familiar with its meaning. I wasn't there yet, and for now it was only a smile. "Yeah."
I didn't say anything else but nodded and gave a short, shy wave goodbye, which he returned.
Sean was, of course, going over to Craig's, which I should've expected. But even JT was busy.
This left few options, one of which was sleeping all weekend, but I got caught by Ellie on my way out of the building. She asked about a hang out...including Ashley — with Ashley standing right there, looking at me like a stray puppy.
I had to let down my friend with my rival right there, watching me.
This was my life now.
Realistically, I didn't want to say no to a hang out with my best friend, but I didn't know how to say no to her wanting me to play nice with Ashley. All of my hypothetical arguments ended with Ellie telling me to give Ashley a chance, so I did.
No, really.
I actually agreed.
It's one thing to not hang out with my friends, but to purposely hang out with the girl I called a bitch not but four months ago was actual punishment.
After school, we headed down to the tattoo and piercing parlor, a place I'd been in a handful of times over the past few years thanks to Ellie. There was no way my mom was saying no to discounts on tattoos for her and getting my ears pierced for free.
The smell on the inside, a mix of cigarette smoke and metal, was familiar and reminded me of how excited my mom was when she showed off the little heart wrapped in vines on her ankle after her first visit. It also reminded me of all the times I would wait for Ellie, reading ancient motorcycle magazines in the waiting area.
"I know it looks a little nasty," Ellie said with a sigh, more in relief than anything. "I keep telling Attila that we should..."
"Attila?"
"Atty once you get to know him," I added, which was the first thing I said since leaving school. Ashley glanced at me with genuine alarm.
Ellie rolled her eyes at me. "It's a family name. Come on."
We were barely there three minutes when Attila called Ellie back and I followed. So did Ashley, but more because she didn't know what else to do. A few minutes in, she was all nerves.
"So, uh, Attila. Is that the same kind of needle you'll be using to pierce my belly button?" she asked, and I eyed her incredulously. No way Ashley freaking Kerwin got a piercing.
It'd be committing to something, a lifestyle, a path. Something that could possibly scar if she wasn't diligent. She'd never.
"Oh, no. I'll be using a much larger one. Like this." He handed Ashley a big needle in a package.
Ashley looked it over, visibly swallowing air. "Oh, wow."
"All done, Cuz," Attila said to Ellie and turned to Ashley. "So what's the word, Ashley? Still interested? Because I've got an opening tomorrow at ten."
Ashley looked to Ellie as if the girl was the source of her new confidence—and maybe she was. "Okay, sign me up."
"Great. Now just get your mother to sign this permission slip first." He handed her a paper.
Ashley seemed ill as she looked it over. "Parlor assumes no responsibility in case of infection?"
"It is an invasive procedure. But don't worry. Everything sterilized."
She shook her head, look between all of us like we somehow out voted her on something. "My mom will not sign this."
"How do you know?" Ellie asked.
Ashley hesitated, twitchier than I ever remember seeing her. "Just...because she's my mom. She won't. Sorry."
"Audrey?" Attila offered, an old song and dance I knew well. "Still waitin', kid."
I grimaced and shook my head. "I keep telling you, Invader Zim tattoo when I turn eighteen. I'd like to at least survive high school before my mom murders me."
I parted from them before Ellie walked Ashley home to try and convince Ashley's mom about the piercing. Something told me Ashley's mom wasn't the one who needed convincing, though.
Either way, I drew the line at hanging out with Ashley Kerwin at her house, the scene of our one and only one-on-one conversation. I told Ellie I'd hang tomorrow because I was still doing my best to play nice, but from an outside perspective, it might've looked like I was only speaking and saying goodbye to my friend.
What? Last year, she literally called me 'the other one'. I had my limits.
Anyway, on my way home, I blasted music and did the stupid thing again. By the stupid thing, I mean, taking the longest route possible home, which happen to go right by Joey's house.
In my defense, I'd spent the better part of the last month walking this path daily.
Or, I dunno, maybe I really was a stalker. I think I was mostly addicted to feeling actual happiness in my life, and that made boundaries hard.
As I walked down Craig's block, I thought to myself, Okay, so this is definitely stalker behavior.
And maybe this was a test, to see how much of my crazy this person could handle before he ran off. Just to be prepared, I wrapped my earphones around my cd player, because the last thing I need was for someone to spot me while I wasn't paying attention.
I heard Craig first. "Yeah, this is the life. You know what? I like you guys."
"What, are you gonna kiss us now?" Sean asked.
"Shut up, Sean." That was a new voice.
I was passing the house idly, not even planning on turning because I was far too embarrassed that I did this and I would like to take it back now please. I took a breath and wished I kept my earphones on, simply strolling like it meant nothing at all, despite the proximity meaning practically everything.
"Audrey?" Craig called out.
I stopped on instinct, nerves rattling under my skin as I turned to see Craig jogging over to me, and Sean, that new kid who won the dance contest a few weeks ago, and Spinner looking on.
I shielded the sun from my eyes and grinned up at him. "Hey."
"Aud," Sean said with a casual wave from where he sat.
"Sean." I saluted and turned to the face I didn't know. "And..."
"Marco," the boy provided with a polite smile. "I think we have World History together."
"Right." I didn't remember that, but he seemed generally more put together than me, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Spinner toasted his soda bottle to me. "Stalker."
"Boner," I said with a nod without missing a beat, and his pride deflated immediately. This was officially the best timeline.
"So, what are you doing around here?" Craig asked.
"Uhm..." I started gesture with my hands, nerves buzzing faster. "Girls hangout ended early. I was downtown with Ellie and Ashley, now I'm heading home."
His brows furrowed and his voice lowered, possibly so everyone else wouldn't hear him. "Just seems out of the way."
I was hoping he didn't remember that.
"Is it? Huh." I swallowed and glanced in the direction I came from, then back to him. "That's so weird. I must've gotten turned around."
He wore an amused grin and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Well, I'd invite you over but..."
"Rules are rules. Wouldn't want to violate Gavin's restraining order, anyway!" My voice rose by the end, and I was practically projecting so Spinner could hear me. I gestured to where I stood. "See? Not on the Jeremiah property. Totally legal."
"We could reasonably stand here all day and you're not technically over."
"Now you're getting it."
"You're gonna get me in trouble."
"Um. Duh. It's what I'm here for," I said. "I should actually head home, though."
"Yeah, of course." He nodded. "It was good seeing you."
"You saw me a few hours ago."
He shrugged, his shoulders going up to his ears. "I mean, it's always good seeing you. Like, in general. Since you're my friend."
I paused, not knowing how to categorize that response, but feeling somehow fizzy and light. I smiled and only met his eyes for a second. "Likewise, because...you are also my friend."
God, we were so awkward.
I waved to the boys and said a quick bye to Craig, before walking home on air.
I met Ellie and Ashley downtown and was met with the great news that Ashley was indeed allowed to get the piercing, something everyone was presumably excited about.
By everyone, I mean everyone but Ashley, who looked queasier today, clutching the permission slip. Either Ellie wasn't aware of this, or she was calling Ashley's bluff — which was a very Ellie thing to do.
Once, when we were nine and Pokemon was the cool, new thing, I told her I was also into it. She didn't question it but offered to bring her big ol' binder of trading cards to my apartment so we could do practice battles.
Needless to say, not being able to afford a massive amount of trading cards or a gameboy at the time meant I kind of never liked Pokemon; I was just afraid to say it. When I told Ellie, she accepted it immediately without trying to change my mind, and we watched Sailor Moon instead.
That was maybe three months into our friendship.
Time for Ashley to learn the same lesson.
We stood nearby while Ashley laid back in the chair until it was flat as a table. I examined the tattoo designs on the wall carefully, looking for new ones.
"I'm going to pierce here and feed it through till it comes out there," Attila said, going over the procedure as gently as possible, probably because of how terrified Ashley looked. "Here's the clamp I'll use to hold the skin while I do the piercing, okay?"
I wasn't looking, but I knew Ashley was probably close to panicking by now. If I kept my gaze this way at all the pretty artwork, I could ignore my hyper-empathy.
"This is an antiseptic gel. It's gonna feel a little cool." As Atty did this, Ellie moved closer and held Ashley's hand. "Now I'm marking the point of entry."
We were down to the wire and Ashley was running out of time. For a second, I thought she'd actually go through with it. Maybe if you scratched the surface, there was a genuine person under all that perfectionist armor.
"Ashley, you're gonna feel a bit of pressure now."
Ashley quickly shoved the equipment away and sat up, shaking her head and sweating a little. "I'm sorry, I can't. I don't care how cool it'll look. That thing is not piercing my body."
Scratch the surface, and what do you get?
Apparently, more surface.
We left and Ashley spent the rest of the day completely silent, probably embarrassed.
In case anyone was wondering if Ashley was still Ashley, she absolutely was — and, I guess just this once, I didn't fault her for it. For the most part. As a treat.
I separated from them and went home the short way this time, marveling at how sure I was in my friendships in comparison.
When I walked in the door, the whole place smelled like shake 'n bake pork chops and roasted potatoes. I heard the oven close just after I shut the door. "Auddie, is that you?"
"Nope. It's your other daughter," I said, kicking my shoes off and plopping down on the couch where she could see me.
She rolled her eyes. "Uh huh. Did you have fun over at Joey's?"
"Joey's out of town. I hung out with Ellie."
She smiled like she ran into someone she knew in an airport. "I haven't seen that girl in ages! Where's she been?"
"At home. At school. Making new friends elsewhere."
"Ugh, I'm gonna go change. Broccoli's almost done." She walked past me to her room. She did that a lot, pausing the conversation to do something, then resuming out of nowhere. I mean, she also liked to tell me to do a thing without actually telling me to do the thing.
I groaned and got up to check the stupid broccoli, despite having walked most of the day. Just as I was leaning into a cabinet to grab a bowl, the tv blasted to life behind me and I jumped, bumping my head.
"Ellie's making new friends?" my mom asked like I didn't just give myself a headache. "Friend-friends or boyfriends?"
"Urgh, friend-friends." I took the steamer out of the saucepan and poured the veggies into the bowl. "Broccoli's done. And wouldn't it first have to be boyfriend, singular, before she achieves boyfriends, plural?"
"Pork chops should be done, too," she said, walking behind me. I withheld a curse and grabbed one of the oven mitts. She had on the other one as she opened the oven and grabbed the potatoes. I grabbed the extremely hot pork chops with a far too thin mitt and plopped them down on the stove, earning a look. "Careful. So, it's only you who's interested in a boy, then?"
"I'm not interested in a boy."
"Okay. If you say so."
"I'm not." I grabbed two plates and waited longer than normal for her response. "I mean I am saying so, but I'm not interested — in anyone."
"Hm."
"Mom?"
She didn't say anything, just loosened the potatoes from the aluminum foil, and scooped them onto her plate.
"Mom, I'm worried you don't believe me, and I really need you to."
"I believe... that you believe you."
"Mom."
She made her plate and I made mine, the sounds of her prerecorded soaps coming to life in the background. Ah yes, nothing like a week's worth of General Hospital to brighten my day.
We sat and ate for a while and she fast-forwarded through the commercials as she took a bite of her food. Another beat of silence passed when she asked, "So, how is Craig, anyway?"
I stopped mid bite. "Mom!"
She couldn't help but laugh, which, to this day, is probably the most contagious sound in the world.