I never would've thought that I could've ended up like the way I am at the moment. When I was young I had friends...
Friends...
I really haven't had any for many years. The closest I've ever received were acquaintances whom I never truly bonded with, nor have I seen outside of school. Heh, you know it's wrong when you start viewing school as an opportunity rather than a chore but I guess that's what growing up is; or is it? I keep combating these questions in my head as they run rampant over and over again. Over... and... sigh, I'm exhausted. I plummet myself back to sleep and wake up for another day of "opportunity". Maybe this day can be the difference from emptiness and misery to perhaps the hope and bloom that I strive to achieve. Anywho, laying in bed and being late won't benefit me, so I'll just hurry my slow self up a notch.
As I walk towards school, I look around and spot her again. My one and only best friend from my early childhood. She always seem to feel happy whenever I catch glimpses of her on days like these; always skipping and smiling and shining whilst I'm casted aside like I'm forgotten in the world's eyes. The only people in life that I ever talk to now are the ones I find on the internet and play games with, but making real friends was always difficult for me as she would always help me at those scenarios. Now it just feels so boring and empty without her, and with my parents gone overseas to open up a restaurant it feels as if living is becoming more and more unbearable every damn day.
Moving those thoughts aside, I knew that sulking around those same repetitive thoughts would lead to nothing. Honestly, I was considering to join a club soon - any club for that matter. I wouldn't care what it was as long as the atmosphere projected a social and positive environment, which is difficult for me to find. However most of the clubs I saw were just lousy anime clubs or dorky geeky gaming clubs and despite those two being solid interests of mine, I knew myself that they were ran by those group of kids that I couldn't stand up against, no matter how much time passed...
With a deep sigh, I placed my right hand on front of the board and just stared off into space. Is there really a community I can search for anymore? I couldn't tell how much time had passed, but I'm rather confused with my well-being like I always was. However, my eyes accidentally locked onto one specific sheet of paper being advertised: "The Literature Club" which is on for the whole week and is looking for new members of any kind. Is this really a place I should find myself in soon? Is this place-
???: 'My, a-are you perhaps i-interested in joining the Literature Club?'
My body froze as I heard a soft voice ring in my ears. Who is this girl? Is she talking to me, I wonder?
Y:n: 'Are you talking to me?'
She gasped quite audibly. When my gaze met hers, I was met with quite possibly one of the most beautiful looking girls I had ever seen in a long while. She was quite tall in length, possibly even exceeding me with her height; long violet hair that I had never truly seen before; and an aura of awkwardness that I knew well of.
???: 'Of course! I-I mean yes!'
Y/n: 'Ah, well, would you recommend this club for me then?'
???: 'I-I'm not a-aware of who you a-are, h-however I f-find it plausible...'
She's relentlessly fidgeting with her own hair like she's presenting a speech to a whole crowd, plus she might of sounded a little more blunt than she needed to be.
Y/n: 'Short answer: Do I look like I'd fit right in?'
???: 'Why yes! W-we could always have a-additional members i-involved!'
Who is this girl anyway? I've never seen her in my past 3 years attending this school and now she pops up when it's my last year here whilst I'm looking for after school clubs. Is she new or something? Tsk, it's not her fault, it's mine for remaining as isolated as I am now; but The Literature Club seems like a smart place where I could find a small community to feel accompanied in. But recalling back to Japanese Literature after school classes... they were all girls, with just a few odd boys tagging along. I'm not against guys with a feminine side, but it's definitely off putting for a guy like me that just wants a dude bro in his life.
???: 'I-is there anythi-thing else you may wish to learn about?'
Y/n: 'Perhaps one: what's your name by the way?'
???: 'Y-Yuri.'
That sounds like a peaceful name. Outside of negative uses these days, the name Yuri is symbolic of a beautiful white lily bulb grown all around the world.
Y/n: 'My name's Y/n just so you may know. Um anyways, where's your club located at then?'
Yuri: 'Oh, r-right.'
I can see her fidgeting with her hair relentlessly. She pulls out a sheet of paper and a pen, then writes what I presume to be the location of the literature club.
Yuri: 'H-here.'
Her handwriting really looks... magnificent! Well, wait hold on-
Y/n: 'I'll check it out after school! See you then Yuri!'
Yuri: 'Goodbye!'
My hands are shaking to the brim after talking with that introvert for just a couple of moments. I'm surprised someone even came up to me after all this time! And it won't even be my last time seeing her either! Gosh, maybe all I needed was a bit of confidence...
Yuri's POV
That boy... he really was unique. My assumptions were indeed correct about him. He appeared ever so passionate and independent; similarly to how I act. Unfortunately my conversation may have not excited him as much... groan damn it all! Why does life have to kick me on my knees even at the most crucial moments such as these!
Without hesitation, I started scratching at my thighs to feel the same euphoria of relief again.
There. All good now.
Now where was I? Ah yes, any boy whom I may of approached or whom approached me would just bully me for being "A freak" of nature, but Y/n...
I really did enjoy that little time we spent. That smile. His body language. That melancholic tone. I knew all too well of!
No! Not this...
Y/n's POV
Normally at the end of school days I feel relieved that I can just leave this place so I could rot in my room doing whatever I wanted to, but today's special! That's right! It's my introduction to a Literature Club!
I followed Yuri's note, passing through the corridors filled with loud and sassy teenagers until I've possibly spotted the Literature Club's doors. I opened the doors to the room, and immediately my eyes were locked onto Monika's: the popular high school chick who's always seen laughing, smiling and coordinating all the events within the school. The girl that most guys deny their feelings for, but they most definitely grow a tent underneath when thinking of her. Jokes aside, I may have believed that I went inside of the wrong room at first, so I was about to close the door yet Monika shouted my name at the last second.
Monika: 'Oh hey, Y/n, I presume?'
Y/n: 'Wait, you remember me Monika?'
Monika: 'Well somebody told me a "certain someone" was interested in joining the club, and now it must be you!'
I looked around the club and spotted Yuri at a desk. She was blushing a dark crimson red and hid behind her long silky hair in embarrassment.
Monika: 'Ah, she's very shy, but one thing I should mention is our vice president isn't in today. I apologise if that might ruin your first trip here, but trust me Y/n I'll help you fit right in if need be! Though I believe she'd love for you to visit here, haha! She talks a good bit about you!'
I can't tell if that was sarcasm or the truth. Who would even think of me in this place? I'm just a nobody: a nobody that's felt nothing for such a long while. Sigh, I sometimes just needa shut up.
Y/n: 'Are there any other guys here? I only see you two gals and nobody else.'
Monika: 'Nope! Not yet! We have only four "gals" and possibly one guy!'
That's strange... you'd believe that a few guys would be involved to balance out the genders but, I suppose any literature club or class for that matter will be filled with girls so what was I expecting?
Y/n: 'Alright, I think I've understood the club more but it's also a surprise seeing you here instead of the Debate club.'
Monika: 'Hearing heated arguments over and over again is so tiring...'
Y/n: 'Fair point I guess. I'm not sociable enough to understand but I'm glad you're somewhere you wish to be in now haha! Well anywho, I'll just...'
I start making my over to Yuri. For some odd reason my heart's beating very rapidly, but not of love no, but of... fear. Talking with a leader or teacher is simple as you're aware of their responsibility, but talking with a complete stranger... I can't waste my chance to show her and the others what I'm made of. I honestly just wish for a community of any kind at this point. Even if it's just a few girls to hang around with... anything...
Y/n: 'H-hey Yuri! Mind if I take a seat beside you?'
Yuri: 'Why y-yes! G-grab one if you c-can.'
I grab a chair and screech it over beside where Yuri is. Now we're apart by about a foot.
Yuri: 'I-I thought you'd... never mind.'
I notice her blushing a bright crimson again, which makes me honestly feel relieved. I'm beginning to think that she might also have a strong sense of social anxiety so perhaps there's nothing to worry about how I'm feeling.
Yuri: 'So w-what books do you enjoy?'
Y/n: 'I don't really know, um, I guess I like horror and dark stories I guess?'
Yuri: 'Oh wow! I really do en-njoy horror novels as well! I've always preferred the mystery of th-them and the th-thrills over many other p-peaceful tones present in many other g-genres.'
She keeps fidgeting her silky hair, attempting to control herself. I feel a little guilty since the only horror books I've read seriously was a series of horror game novels about killing robot machines and kids turning up dead in their robot attractions.
Y/n: 'Wow, you have any on you?'
Yuri: 'Y-yes actaully!'
She reaches down for her school bag and pulls out a book with an eye symbol on it.
Yuri: 'Th-this book is called "Portrait of Markov".'
Gosh I feel so much like a fraud. She's all prim and proper yet what am I? Well aside from her elegance, her breathing is rather... off. More so than mine.
Y/n: 'Y-Yuri, you're breathing a little-'
Yuri: 'O-Oh. It-It's nothing!'
Y/n: 'Well even if we barely know each other, I'd wanna know why just in case it's something serious like a health problem y'know.'
Yuri: 'Pardon my demeanour, but t-truth is I may have to head to the store and p-purchase a new set of pens as I've recently ran out of ink in my favourite pen... m-may I borrow one from you?'
Y/n: 'Yeah, it's nothing too concerning Yuri. But whenever I'm not around, you could always hm get one from the teacher's desk y'know?'
I don't understand how stressing over a new pen would cause somebody to have a nervous breakdown. I mean, just ask a teacher like I said or even pick one off the floor and sanitise it. How hard can it be? To comply with her request, I grabbed a pen from my pencil case and offered it over to Yuri. She looked away and extruded her arm out whilst I was about to lend it over to her. She then opens her hand, and I place it in within her grasp. An enormous grin stretched out when her hands can now hold the pen
Yuri: 'T-thank you so much!'
Y/n: 'No problem, anyways would you wanna start reading this Markov book now?'
Yuri: 'Yes, that would be quite enthralling.'
Me and Yuri started reading the book. I thought her fidgeting and anxiety would come to a halt... unfortunately, it feels like it might be getting worse and worse. However, I actually don't mind if she needs to just take a break from me. I've heard that another girl is inside the club, plus we could benefit from a bit of fresh air (moreso Yuri, but my heart also doesn't feel normal at the moment).
Yuri's POV
Ha, ha, hahahaha!
I have it! I have actually obtained this young man's pen! All I can feel as I stroke my fingers up and down his pen is the euphoria of the mad little thoughts that I'm continuing to conjure within my head! The mad little thoughts of his soft and tender fingers; the thoughts of his short silky hair; the thoughts of going back home to begin playing with it!
No.
Yes!
No...
I just... I just have to act neutral, like I'm just resting within a park, watching the sunset fall whilst reading a brand new book. I don't want my Y/n to think I'm a lunatic! Not after I've gotten this far! Even if I'm aware of who I am, and what I am, change exists for a reason-
Y/n: 'Hey Yuri, would you wanna call it a day here?'
Call it... a day?
Yuri: 'No no, let's carry on!'
Y/n: 'You sure? We're both a little stressed from our first encounters so-'
Yuri: 'Just this next chapter okay?'
Y/n's POV
I think me and Yuri are getting along a bit despite the current circumstances. She's evidently shy at nature, however I feel as if we'll be great friends in no time if this pace continues!
Anywho, out of the corner of my eye I spot a young cute girl with blossom pink hair slouched on the wall, looking at me with hostile eyes. I gulp when I realise that this must be the third member of the club. She looks familiar in a weird way, but my goodness she doesn't seem to be the type to want friends. Y'know, the type of person that sits alone and only hangs out with their own mates; to which is nobody here. Well if I've gotten this far, I suppose it won't hurt to greet the others right? So with that new goal in mind, I continue with Yuri for just a moment longer and finished chapter 2.
Y/n: 'Hey Yuri, I enjoyed reading with you today and the book was some great fun! But y'know it's my first day, aaaand there's more things I'd wanna look forward to in the club.'
Yuri: 'Oh, such as?'
Y/n: 'Such as meeting the other club members y'know! So... I'll catch you later Yuri!'
I notice Yuri look rather upset for a moment, but relieved. I'm glad I've made the right call; it's difficult to leave your bubble Yuri I'm well aware, but trust me I know it's best for you too.
Yuri: 'Goodbye.'
I walk over to the funny-looking pink haired girl. I suppose she's in her younger years as she's pretty short compared to the other girls in this school, and cute.
???: 'Hey! Smart ass! What're ya doing in a place like this? Y'know this place is run by a girl only dictatorship?'
Y/n: 'Well it said that um, that all genders all allowed to join-'
???: 'Ever heard of unwritten rules chum? Well even if you haven't, just sit down already! You've already gotten this far to greet me, so let's get on with your little intro then hm?'
Y/n: 'Um- y-yea sure. Could you not just be a little more positive though? It's not nice to talk to your elders like this.'
I flash a cheeky little grin in return.
???: 'First off: I'm one of the oldest in this entire school! 5th I think! Second off: get used to the unwritten rules, swine!'
She pulled off a huge grin after saying all that. No way she's actually one of the oldest. I can't say I can verify that, but I can ask for her birthday then huh. Snapping back to reality, I lay my butt on the ground and sat right next to her.
Y/n: 'Um, anyways what books do you like to read?'
???: 'Books? No no, a literature club contains ALL forms of literature, and would you believe that manga is ALSO considered literature?...'
I find that hard to believe...
Y/n: 'I guess so. Well anyways before we start, what's your name?'
???: 'Natsuki, and DON'T CALL ME NATS!'
Geez, what is up with this girl?
Y/n: 'Ok, Nats-'
I recreated the grin she did to me earlier on, and I hear her groan in dissatisfaction. Afterwards she went over to the closet and pulled out a box neatly filled with manga. She then pulled out the first volume of a pirate manga that I might of seen before.
Y/n: 'Oh - is that the anime series with over a thousand episodes?'
Natsuki: 'Yup!'
She sat where she was facing before and we started reading the manga. Natsuki kept on rambling about how she can't wait to read the fifth volume since getting legitimate copies are difficult with her financial living conditions, but after a bit of casual back and forth we read the whole first volume for the entire duration of the club.
Monika: 'Ok, everyone! That's the end of today and I hope you have all enjoyed your time with the supposed "New Member"!'
I blushed a bit when hearing her say that; not sure why either. It sorta gives me the feeling of being recognised I guess.
Monika: 'Oh, but before you can all leave, Y/n?'
Y/n: 'Y-Yeah?'
Monika: 'Do you want to join the club? You had your tour today, so I just want to confirm if you're on board to arrive every weekday?'
Y/n: 'After spending time with the club, I'd honestly wish to join you all if that's fine...'
Monika: 'Awww, you don't needa be so shy and sincere here! We've already got a member like that y'know! Haha! Well without further ado (Inhales) Welcome to the Literature Club!'
With a proud smile, I grab my bag and wave off to everyone. I've done it. My hands are shaking in ecstasy but I've actually managed to create a reputation for myself! I look back over at the club members for the last time today: Natsuki is pouting far away; Monika waves back with a smile on her face; and Yuri just stares at me intently before finally waving back.
To confirm Natsuki's age, I headed over to the board of "Students with crowning achievements!" This board overlooks all students and rewards them by placing their names onto the board's list in their designated areas. I spot "Oldest Students" and run my finger along the list of names. My finger lands exactly on #5: Natsuki. I think you might be my favourite.
Yuri's POV
My heart at this time and hour seems to have calmed after he's away. He appears to be exactly like me, I thought to myself. Truth is appearances can be deceptive, and mine is an example of that. On the surface I may appear gentle and soft spoken to the kind strangers around my life, but deep within I feel nothing but rage and lunacy spike my heart. Thinking of why my mind became this way isn't something I'd want to think about, and I don't believe that I should either. If Y/n can feel and act confident, then who can't say I can't? Wait, confidence is key here! After observing him play around with her for a little moment, it become clear to me that listening to his heart rather than his voices was how he managed to befriend her! That's why I need that power to befriend him! To get closer... closer
Feeling a surge of adrenaline boosting me upwards, I speed up my pace to the direction Y/n left. I soon find him not far from the club observing the achievement board and my heart is being to twirl once more. I'm on it! I just need to show my own achievements and then he might view me up to high standards!
Yuri: 'Y/n!'
Y/n: 'Yuri! It's great to see you again!'
My heart drums faster and faster. Those are just the words I needed to hear.
Y/n: 'Um, you need something?'
Yuri: 'I-I n-notice you are t-taking a m-moment to inspect the board. I just w-wanted to point o-out that I-I am on there!'
Y/n's eyes widen with interest.
Y/n: 'Where! I wanna see! I wanna see!'
Yuri: 'A-at the intellect list!'
My innocent little friend is incredibly eager to notice how high I am on the school's intellectual board. For many years, the students within this prison believed I was a massive show off with a prideful intellect and nothing more. At first, I believed it was a curse. Now... now it's a blessing! My goodness - my heart. My heart is... I'm afraid of how hard it's pounding.
Yuri: 'Anywho I-I shall catch up with you tomorrow Y/n! Goodbye!'
I hear my friend repeat and shout a farewell.
Friend?
What is he to me? Love isn't as easy to find and obtain such as those stories and novels you read every now and then. However, I did know I was feeling something...
Lust.
It's not directly love, but it's definitely a feeling many can feel for whatever reason. Under no circumstances should lust ever be accepted, and I myself tried to stop, yet something came over me. In retaliation, I sprinted back home to use the energy lust brings, yet it still overtook my heart. My legs felt weak yet forced to push through as I eventually plop down onto my bed. I can finally let out all this built up frustration... on this.
It feels very welcoming with my knives staring back at me! As if they're waving to me with their non existent arms. I pull Y/n's pen out of my pocket to which it feels, hah, it feels absolutely wonderful! I roll my sleeves down, some blood leaks, but that's just what it is! I carefully place his pen into one of my deep cuts-
No.
Why am I letting this happen - this isn't me. I'm sorry Y/n, I have no idea why I'm like this...
I-I promise I'll change, just for you. I think... you are a good friend, not a crush. Not my beloved. Just a friend.
As I look down at my forearm, I notice the cut getting worse with blood partially covering up the whole arm. With my parents long gone into their late shifts, I head back over to my restroom where I obtain some first aid behind the mirror.
After that eventful moment, I cry. I just cry and cry and cry. Sobbing whole litres of tears was how it felt for the next hour. I... I'm a failure. Truly an utter disappointment.