FLASHBACK
Madison~
A few months has passed since the incident, six months to be exact, and I found myself being pregnant once again.
I've known for about a week and haven't told Christian yet, simply because I don't know how to, I have no idea how he'd react.
For me I don't know if I'm happy about this new life inside of me, it's too soon for me to deal with and I haven't been able to move on from her yet.
I'm not done mourning.
And he hasn't been home alot of the time, he only comes home late at night, but today surprisingly he's here.
So whenever he is home, I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him. He has this sudden outbursts and rage in his eyes whenever he looks at me, silently hating me, and I get it, I hate me too.
I sat at the dining table with my cup of tea, stared into nothingness.
I heard his footsteps come in the dining room. He looked at me but I don't acknowledge him.
"I don't understand you." He said. "You weren't going to tell me?"
He knew.
I looked at him tiredly, my heart racing when I saw the positive pregnancy test in his hands.
He stepped in closer and takes a seat opposite me.
He sighed, "Were you going to tell me?"
I looked down at the cup in my hands, trying to fool myself into believing that I would've told him. I tugged at my turtleneck that's hiding the bruised marks and swallow deeply.
I nodded , fooling myself. "I was going to yes."
"Look at me."
I looked at him as my heart raced in my chest.
There was this cunning look on his face that scared me. "If you have this baby, it will die."
It will die. I frowned.
The words replayed in my head, reminding me over and over again what happened, how it happened.
My breathing became unstable as I try to hold back the pain and tears back as I stared at him.
"You really think it'll love you back? Look at yourself, Madison, you don't deserve to be a mother."
A single tear dropped from my eye.
"You're worthless."
I stood up, unable to hear his remarks any longer and started to walk away until what he said next ripped my heart into a million pieces even more.
"The baby knew who it's mother was going to be that's why she chose to die."
He stood up. "If you have this thing, you'll never see me again."
I stood there completely numb with silent tears now running down my cheeks. Who says such things to their wife?
Unable to fight the fiery rage inside of me I turn around to face him.
I shook my head at him. "I feel sorry for you but at the same time I hate you, and that's the problem because no matter what you say or do to me I'll always be there for you and you know that, but let me say this again, if you don't want to be here then leave, pack your shit up and go."
Christian walked closer to me, gently places his hand on my cheek as I try not to flinch. "I'll never leave you."
Tears streamed down my face as I close my eyes against his touch.
Why was he doing this to me?
Help me understand!
"Then one day I'll leave you and I will not come back. I'll have this child with or without you by my side."
He wiped a single tear from my cheek, lightly smirking. "We'll see about that."
I smacked his hand away from my face. "What is that supposed to mean? You're fucking sick in the head."
As I turned away from him, he violently pulled me back into his chest, wrapping his hand around my throat choking me.
Of course I tried protesting against his against and tried to free myself from his grip but I was too weak.
He lowered himself and whispered in my ear. "I admit, I hear things, the things they say about you and what I should do to you are worth calling me fucking insane."
PRESENT DAY
Madison~
I gently touch my neck with my fingers, deep in thought of the painful memory. I shake my head trying to remove my terrible thoughts.
Painful memories will always be hard to forget, sometimes impossible.
It's a bruise, yellow and purple splotches around my heart that burn when pressed but otherwise are a dull, persistent ache. And I don't think it will ever go away.
Glancing at myself in the mirror I almost don't recognize myself, Nathan had a makeup and hairstylist come to do their magic on me and I must say I look beautiful.
An overwhelming feeling flows through my body and sudden tears pools in my eyes.
The makeup artist smiles and says, "We're all done, we'll give you some time alone."
I smile at her, and they exit the large closet.
This is stupid, I shouldn't be crying about this, I smile to myself.
"What you're smiling at?"
I glance up and see Nathan standing in the doorway of his closet. I can't help and eye him up and down, he's dressed in a dark navy blue suit, white shirt underneath and his hair perfectly styled back with a single curl by his eye.
He smiles, almost laughing. "What?"
I laugh surprised. "Wow"
"I know right? I'm on fire." Nathan laughs spinning around "Thought I'd match my beautiful partner tonight." He finally reaches me.
I glance at him in the mirror.
A few seconds goes by.
He eyes me back, "You're nervous, just relax. I'm right here."
Fiddling with my fingers, I nod.
He clears his throat. "Have I told you that you look beautiful?"
I smile looking down, "Yes, Nathan you have."
"You look breathtaking."
There's a short silence for a while as I glance back at him.
He clears his throat, breaking the awkward atmosphere. "There's a few things I'd like to discuss with you."
I nod, listening to him.
"Whoever you see tonight are well-known figures in the industry, they can be abit -what's he word, snobbish and privileged, trust me they annoy me too." He chuckles lightly and so do I.
"There will be paparazzi outside, but inside there won't be any cameras, due to strict safety of the jewelry, security will also be around on the premises."
"And one more thing, people will ask what's our relationship-"
"Do I tell them we dating?" I blurt out and quickly realized what I just said as my eyes go big. "Uhm-"
Nathan looks taken abit and tries laughing it off but it's too awkward to change the mood. "You don't need to say anything, let them guess and wonder."
I nod, embarrassed.
"You're my guest, don't worry I'll take care of you tonight."
He offers me a hand and I stand up from my seat pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.
"You're ready?" He asks as his green eyes stares into mine.
Ready for his world to see me?
Ready to be judged?
Ready to be his potential wife?
Am I really ready for this?
"To be honest, no, I'm not ready" I tell him nervously while biting my bottom lip.
"I know it can be overwhelming, I'm not pressuring you into doing anything like being my wife, and I want you to know that at any moment you can choose to walk away. You have a choice, Madison, don't forget that."
Choices...
See everyone is said to have them but I can't help but think I don't.
With Christian I didn't really have choices.
So the only choice I had left was to suffer with the choices I made with him.
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10 August 2022.
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<3