thomas had been thinking a lot.
and he wasn't thinking about just anything, no, he was thinking about newt.
it seemed to be the one thing that was constantly on his mind. he was there morning, noon, and night. it had been that way for months. which did seem to annoy him, but more often then not, it would confuse him.
newt and thomas were best friends, and they had been, ever since the boys could remember. they'd played on the school playground together in preschool, chasing each other around constantly and giggling. they had always been there to push one another on the swings at the park from age six. they had sleepovers in 3rd grade where they'd pull pranks on thomas' sister. they sat next to each other everyday during lunch at age 10. they remained best friends in middle school when they met new people such as alby and minho and gally. they'd been through arguments, silly and serious. they knew each other's secrets but never told another soul. they went to the same university and even made sure to live in the same apartment building. they always hugged longer than necessary. newt would kiss thomas on the cheek occasionally before bed and visa versa. they would sleep in each other's beds more often then they slept in their own beds. one would always take care of the other when they were to get ill. they knew each other inside and out and, well, they were always there for each other.
they were great friends.
but these were the thoughts that would haunt thomas and that's what confused him.
why the hell would he constantly think about anything and everything that had to do with newt? why would these things bug him to begin with? why would he think about his friend's gestures or the lingering kisses he place on his cheek from time to time? thomas figured they were platonic gestures and newt meant nothing more from it.
thinking that way was a dangerous line to cross but he couldn't stop no matter how much he wanted to.
it all started almost a year before, with the occasional glances during the classes they shared together. it was only a couple glances. although, that turned into admiring newt's features subconsciously. then it turned into loving the way newt laughed and memorizing the way he smiled. it sounded stupid to him, but he even dreamt about him.
thomas tried his absolutely hardest to never give it a second thought.
though that was clearly impossible especially since about a week prior.
newt, thomas, and many other friends decided to get drunk. they all drank and drank in newt's living room to forget the real world, spare thomas, who didn't have a reason to get wasted. he just got little tipsy.
newt seemed like an entirely different person while drunk. newt was practically on top of thomas the entire night. thomas tried to convince himself it was just the alcohol in their systems.
that night they did properly cuddle, pressed against each other beneath newts covers. newt would kiss the corner of thomas' lips (and his neck) making thomas' skin heat up and his heart race, wishing newt would continue. that was when thomas started thinking about newt and all the things they could be if they tried.
he really enjoyed having their bodies touching together and he liked the way newt wrapped his arms around him.
but they were friends and nothing more. it was wrong to think about his friend like that. he couldn't really have feelings for his best friend. he tried to convince himself newt didn't matter to him like that.
it was weird and dumb (in his opinion) how his own thoughts conflicted him so much and how often he'd contradict himself.
after all the days he'd spend searching for an answer, thomas was only left with an endless void of confusion.
until one night, when it finally hit him. he had an epiphany.
it just happened all of a sudden as he laid in his bed, at 3am, simply staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, thinking about newt, again. he had been tossing and turning all night, unable to sleep.
and in that moment he was finally able to understand, but more importantly, acknowledge and accept it all. it all simply clicked in his mind. he couldn't believe how simple his conclusion was. he felt stupid for not realizing it before.
it was so clear and there was no form to deny it. it was weird to him how it was suddenly alright to acknowledge how real it was.
filled with excitement, he jumped out of bed (quite literally) and rushed out of his bedroom, and out the house. he ran through the hallways of the apartment building and up a flight of stairs to newt's apartment, out of breath. his thoughts were racing through his head and he was so damn relieved and excited. he didn't even care that he was only wearing his spiderman pj bottoms.
when he reached the door labeled 471, he frantically knocked the door with the goofiest grin on his face.
his heart was beating against his chest and he could hear it. he rocked back and forth on his heels. his blood was pumping through his veins with adrenaline.
this was it. he finally knew it all. and there he was. about to tell newt all of it.
though, with the realization that was literally minutes away from telling newt everything, fear and hundreds of 'what if' questions washed over him as he waited for his best friend to open the door. his smile fell. he was suddenly nervous about his thoughts instead of excited.
that was why he didn't reach his epiphany sooner. his was so damn scared of what would happen if he ever admitted it. he always knew though. it was always there in the back of his mind, throughout years.
newt swung the door open and interrupted thomas' self-doubt. "what do you bloody want, tommy? i'm tryin-"
"i have to tell you something." thomas interrupted.
he couldn't help but stare at the cute, messy-haired boy in front of him with only his underwear on. he smiled at the way newt adorably rubbed his eyes to rid them of sleep.
"do you now?" newt replied in a scruffy voice. "at 3 in the freakin' morning?"
"yeah," thomas said quietly, more questioningly than anything.
"alright. come on in." newt replied with a yawn.
thomas walked into the clean, well organized apartment, (unlike his) following newt. the boys sat face to face with their legs crossed on the living room floor. they were silent, staring at each other.
"make it quick 'cause i'm sleepy." newt said with a soft smile.
"okay, um," thomas began, not knowing what to say. "well, you see," he took a deep breath. "uh, it's just..."
thomas felt stumped. he figured he should've thought about what to say before sprinting out of his apartment to wake up newt. he didn't even know how to start, for fucks sake.
"get on with it, tommy!" newt laughed punching thomas' knee gently.
"okay! okay!" thomas smiled, but quickly frowned again.
"uh, the thing is, i don't think we're friends." thomas said, making newt frown and knit his eyebrows together. "and we never have been." he adds.
"what do you mean?" newt asked, now concerned.
"i mean that, we're not friends like minho and i, or you and alby. that's what friends are supposed to be like, i think." thomas swallowed, diverting his gaze to his hands.
"thomas, you're freaking me out a little." newt said with wide eyes.
"just, uh, let me finish, okay?" thomas replied, looking up at newt.
"i think, friends shouldn't kiss me like you do." thomas said fidgeting with his hands and looking down at newt's oddly patterned rug. "and friends shouldn't hug as long as we do. i shouldn't think the way i do about friends like you. a friend shouldn't have a nickname that he calls me by, but no one else does. that's not what friends are like. i know what a friendship should be like... and this isn't it, because you shouldn't make me feel this way. it's so dumb."
"i don't get it, tommy. what's wrong? what did i do?" newt said, his voice filled with so much worry as he almost reached for thomas' hand in desperation.
"i know there's a limit to everything, and friends should never treat me like you do. because i don't think i'll ever want a friend like you." thomas took a deep breath. "i think, what i'm trying to say is, we're not friends because i like you, newt. as so much more than a friend."
there it was. thomas finally said it.
"and thats why friends sleep in another bed and thats why friends shouldn't hug me like you do, because friends won't love me like you do." thomas concluded with a hard swallow. he was unable to look up at newt.
a silence lingered between the boys and newt sucked in a breath. thomas filled with worry.
he was sure he'd just messed up their entire friendship. he felt his heart sink to his stomach.
this was a bad idea, he thought.
i knew it'd all go wrong. nice job me! you just fucking professed your love for your best friend. fucking brilliant.
he began to raise his head but before he could meet newt's gaze, lips were immediately pressed against his. thomas felt himself frozen, and eyes widened.
he felt himself all tingly and happy. his heartbeat had quickened. he was amazed and excited, it didn't feel real.
newt was really there, and he was really kissing thomas. it made his mind race.
newt wrapped his hand around the back of thomas' neck as thomas begun to kiss back.
that was the touch both him and newt had been longing for. thomas felt unable to describe the sensation in one word but he knew it was the better than being in heaven.
it was a sweet kiss, thomas thought. newt's lips felt better than he has imagined. he loved the way they moved against his.
the kiss ended quickly, though, as newt broke it.
thomas immediately felt the urge to kiss newt again. he was a better kisser than thomas had ever imagined.
he was hit with the realization that, it actually really just happened. he had really just kissed newt. on the lips. and newt kissed him too. and now they were both smiling like idiots, breathless. he felt as if there was an entire firework show inside his stomach.
all because of newt.
"i guess i see what you mean," newt smirked. "we're definitely not friends." he smiles and pulls thomas in for another kiss, messy and giggly with pretty words mixed right in.