content warnings; mentions of death and foul language.
songs I listened to for this chap;
strange- Celeste
mt. washington- local natives
I had spent the entire day laying in Eren's arms and being in his presence. To me, he felt like home. The feeling of him and his warmth overwhelmed my entire body, giving me a feeling no other person had ever given me.
"I'm glad you're home, (Y/N)." Eren said, resting his head on top of mine.
"My home is you." I smiled, intertwining our fingers.
Eren had spent the entire day coming up with all sorts of fun things we could do, to take my mind off of what happened last night. We had cooked together, played board games, UNO, went on walks, swam at the docks, and finally we were ending our day with a romantic movie night.
Although I appreciate everything he has done for me to steer my mind away from last night, I still couldn't fathom the fact that I had lost the majority of my friends. Seeing them walk away with splenetic and confused expressions plastered on their faces, genuinely hurt me.
"(Y/N)?" He called out, as he laid beside me. His teal-green eyes burned into mine, passionately.
"Yeah?" I turned my head, looking at his face that was only inches apart from mine.
"Remember that day I told you that I liked fighting and all that I wanted to do was fight?" He asked, slightly blushing.
"Kinda hard to forget that. Of course I remember, that was the first day I've met you..." I answered, shyly.
He looked down at my lips, while softly nibbling on his. I felt a trillion butterflies filling up inside me. Whenever I was with him, I felt like the world was closing in with just us two in the middle of it.
His eyes met mine again, as he slightly blushed, giving me a small smile.
"I still stand by that, even if it means fighting for you." He said, softly.
He caressed my cheeks with his soft hand that felt incredibly warm at the touch. When he touched me, it felt like waves of electricity was sent throughout my entire body.
"I'll always fight for you, Eren." I stated, before pulling his soft lips into mine. We kissed passionately for what felt like an eternity, but we relished every second of it.
"I love you, (Y/N). I love you more than I've loved anyone in my entire life. I want to protect you with everything in me. I want you to be with me forever and anything that comes after that." Eren blurted out, nervously.
"Officially? Like you and I—together?" I questioned, my face turning crimson red.
He ran his fingers through my hair, "Yes." He answered, breathlessly.
"Of course! I'd be more than happy to." I said, smiling from ear to ear.
"Perfect. Shall we finish this movie, beautiful?" He smiled, giving me light kisses on my hands.
I smiled, "We shall." I replied, laying my head onto his comforting chest.
❀
I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing obnoxiously. I realized I had fell asleep in Eren's bed and his heavy arm was wrapped around my waistline, limiting my movements. I stretched my arm out as far as I could, ultimately reaching my buzzing phone.
Checking the time, it was three in the morning and I had missed about a dozen calls from Historia. I dialed in her number, returning her call. She had answered faster than I could've ever imagined.
"Historia, why in the hell are you calling me at three in the morning?" I asked, grumpy.
"Goodmorning to you too. I need you to come to the hospital, right now." She stated in a serious tone that frightened me within mere seconds.
"What!? Why? Is everything okay? Are you okay?" I questioned loud and abruptly, causing Eren to wake up. My heart was dropping each and every second that passed.
"I'll explain the details once you get here. Just hurry, please." She said, hanging up before I could even respond.
"What's going on?" Eren asked, his voice slightly muffled.
"Historia told me to meet her at the hospital, so that's where I'm going." I explained, getting up from his bed and anxiously putting on my clothes and shoes.
"Hospital? Why in the fuck are you going to the hospital?" He said, sitting up from his bed.
"I'm not exactly sure. She said she would tell me the details once I get there." I responded.
"I'm coming with you." He said, jumping out his bed to get dressed along side me.
"Let's go, we're taking my mom's car. We're not walking anywhere this damn late." He grabbed my hand and we rushed downstairs. He grabbed his mom's keys from the counter and we exited out the house.
The closer we were to the hospital, the more anxious I was beginning to feel. The entire car ride was just me biting my nails to the point they started bleeding.
"Stop that. Everything's going to be fine." Eren said, smacking my hand away from my mouth.
I looked over at him, "How can you be so sure?" I questioned, rapidly tapping my foot.
"I'm not sure, but I know that each and every one of them are tough." He said, giving me a relieving smile and placing his free hand on my inner thigh.
We had finally arrived at Shiganshina hospital. Eren found a parking spot close enough to the front entrance. I hopped out of the car and practically sprinted to the entrance, Eren following close behind me.
Eren and I pushed our way through the seemingly never-endless double doors, until we had finally reached the noiseless waiting room. Everyone was here, besides Jean. No one acknowledged Eren and I's arrival, they were either pacing back and forth rather anxiously or fidgeting around in the closely situated chairs. Everyone's faces were unreadable, but their skin was undoubtedly pale.
Historia approached me, her voice was low and not as perky as it usually is.
"What's going on!? What happened? Why is Jean not here?" I queried apprehensively, asking question after question.
"The reason we're here is because of Jean." She answered, bluntly.
"What the hell do you mean because of Jean?" Eren asked, slightly raising his voice from confusion.
Historia sighed, "After the dance yesterday, Jean invited Connie to his place. They were there the whole night and Connie said Jean was sad and went to the bathroom, but never came out." She explained, her voice shaking.
"Never came out? I'm not understanding—where the fuck is Jean!?" I said, demanding her for an answer.
"Connie—He found Jean on the bathroom floor, unresponsive. At first, none of us believed him, but then he told us to meet him and his mom here." She said, holding back tears.
It felt like my heart collapsed into my stomach. I looked at Eren and then right back at Historia, unsure if this was a dream of some sort. Eren's face became blank. It was almost like he was stuck in time—completely frozen.
His eyes had never left Historia's.
I slightly backed away, my hands shaking, my breathing escalating, my eyes flooding with an excessive amount of tears.
"...Y-You're lying. Please tell me that you're lying." I cried out, begging her to tell me if this some sort of cruel, sick joke.
She paused for a minute, before finally deciding to respond, "I wish I was, (Y/N). I wish I could tell you that this was some sort of stupid prank, but it's not." She said, tears escaping from her eyes.
It hit me that this was reality, that this was actually happening. As much as I wished this was a dream, it was quite literally the opposite—a living nightmare.
"N-no! Why is she here?!" Connie voiced, pointing directly at me. I gauchely stood there, staring at him in uttermost shock. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing could come out.
I was completely voiceless.
"You fucking did this! You did this to Jean, you hear me!?" He shouted, rushing towards me.
"Now isn't the time to do this, Connie. Please just calm down for everyone's sake." Hanji stated, calmly.
"No, Hanji. Now's the perfect time to do this shit! If it weren't for you being a hoe and bouncing in between two dudes, none of this would've happened!" Connie yelled, his eyes were enraged and his words were like venom.
"It's not her fault that this happened. You can't put the blame on anyone!" Eren butted in, defending me.
Connie pulled Eren's collar and groaned, "You don't get to fucking speak! You were like a brother to Jean and you treated him like shit. You treated all of us like shit." He disputed, bitterly.
Reiner had approached Connie and pulled him away from Eren and I. "Come on Connie, take a seat." He suggested.
"How dare you silence Connie! He may be an idiot, but he's actually right for once." Sasha voiced, intentionally avoiding eye-contact with me.
"I might not ever get the chance to tell him that I like him and that's all because of you, (Y/N)." Mikasa stated emotionlessly, her facial expression stone-cold.
"Wh-What? I thought you liked Eren?" I spoke out, softly.
"Eren is family to me, always have been and always will be. Why would you even think that?" She asked, as if she were offended.
"At the kickback when you passed up your dare to kiss your crush, I thought it was because you were too scared to kiss Eren..." I said, confused.
"I didn't kiss my crush because he was too busy snuggling with you." She stated, rolling her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't know!" I apologized sincerely. I felt beyond guilty, I couldn't help but think they were right about everything.
She frowned, "...Of course you didn't know." She responded, crossing her arms.
"Mikasa! How could she have known if you keep to yourself all of the time?" Armin asked.
"So, now you're taking her side?" She asked, rolling her eyes.
"I'm not taking anyone's side. We all need to comfort each other, for Jean's sake, and we're not doing that in the slightest." He explained.
"You know, I thought you were nuts for saying she didn't belong here, Eren—but you were right." Sasha stated in a cold blooded tone.
I closed my eyes and fell to my knees, clenching my fists tightly. The world around me faded, leaving only just the sheer thoughts of my friends hating me. It undoubtedly burned my heart to it's core, leaving nothing but the cold, dark ashes behind.
The bickering was interrupted the moment the double doors were aggressively pushed open. A woman with chestnut brown eyes and hair, ushered through the hall with tears streaming down her face. She held a box of tissues in one hand and was clutching her purse in the other.
"Mrs Kirschtein!?" Connie asked, running up to her to stop her from leaving.
She stopped and looked up at all of us. We were staring at her intensely, our eyes were desperately asking for answers. She cleared her throat and wiped the tears from her eyes, so that she could see us more distinctly.
"You must be his friends," She spoke up, "He would've appreciated you guys being here for him." She said, before weeping again.
"Would've?..." I muttered underneath my breath, as I stood to my feet.
"Jean and I weren't as close as we used to be, but I still loved him with all of my heart. Take care of each other the very best that you can." She replied, before pushing Connie out the way and leaving the hospital.
"Loved? Would've? What the hell does she mean!?" Connie faced us, frowning.
"What do you think it means, Connie?" Annie retorted. Her face was bland, but tears were falling from her cheeks. I looked around and noticed the tears coming from everyone else. Reiner tried to hide it, but he eventually broke down. Bertholdt was covering his face with his arm and Ymir was silent the entire time, but a couple of tears fell down her cheeks too.
Connie started laughing hysterically, "Why are we acting like he's dead? He's not fucking dead, stop crying!" He voiced, smiling.
But none of us stopped, hearing the word 'dead' made the reality of him being gone a lot harder to comprehend. Connie's hysterical laughing, soon turned into anger. He ran up to the front desk pestering everyone for answers they couldn't give. He was losing his mind.
His knees enfeebled and he dropped to the floor, curling into a ball and silently crying.
"He's not gone, He's not gone, He's not gone..." He said, repeating those same words over and over in a soft whisper.
"Connie, you've got to get up." Sasha said, kneeling down in front of him. Her face was greatly stained with tears, her eyes were bloodshot red. Those two were definitely taking it the hardest.
"He's gone..." He said, breathlessly.
"I-I know he is and I don't like this anymore than you do." Sasha said, her voice shaky and cracking.
Watching all of my friends break down in front of me, ripped my heart in half. It made it worse knowing that the majority of them blame me for it. I couldn't help but cry helpless tears. I wasn't only just crying because I was sad, I was also crying for Jean—for him to come back to us.
But he left—He left us so suddenly.
All of it hit me at once so suddenly, to the point that I dropped to my knees and started to scream.
Howbeit, I knew in my heart that no matter how many times I've cried, it wasn't going to bring him back. The atmosphere was too dark and intense for me to handle, so I got up and started walking towards the exit.
"He loved you, (Y/N)..." Connie said to me, as he watched me walk away.
Those words replayed in my head over and over like a broken record. Nothing felt real to me at the moment. Nothing was going to be the same anymore—not without Jean.
I hope you can forgive me. If not in this lifetime, maybe in another.
"Hey, I know this sucks. Are you okay?" Eren asked, walking up to me.
"This is a burden I'll have to carry for the rest of my life." I said, softly.
"I've treated him like shit because I couldn't handle my emotions. He was my brother and it'll haunt me everyday knowing that my last moments with him was us arguing." Eren said, sorrowfully.
"Maybe they were right, Eren." I said, frowning at myself. I hated nothing more than myself at the moment—me coming here was the biggest mistake ever.
"What are you talking about?" He queried.
"I shouldn't have come here." I replied.
"They didn't mean any of that, (Y/N). They're just grieving." Eren stated, trying to grab my hand, but I pulled away.
"Look me in my eyes and tell me that." I demanded, but he was reluctant to. His eyes were focused elsewhere, disregarding the empty stares I was giving him.
"You can't even do that, besides you said it yourself." I continued.
"I was just being stupid." He disputed, slightly raising his tone.
"Well, maybe you weren't." I responded, dryly.
"Why are you blaming yourself?" He asked, facing me. His eyes narrowed, carefully studying my facial expressions.
"If I didn't come here, Jean would still be alive..." I spoke, my eyes watering every second. As much as Eren would deny it, he knows it too—everyone does. It felt as if there were a hard lump in my throat, making it hard for me to swallow.
"I blame myself too, you know." He responded in a shallow tone.
I scoffed, "...It has nothing to do with you. This was all me." I replied, looking up at him.
"It has everything to do with me!" He voiced, facing me with a disgruntled facial expression.
I sighed, "No, Eren. I shouldn't have hid my feelings from him and now, I'm going to spend every living second wishing that I hadn't." I said, feeling disappointed with myself.
"That kiss." Eren whispered amongst himself.
"What?" I questioned.
"That kiss in Paris started all of this, didn't it?" He asked, lowering his tone and disheveling his hair.
"...That's when my feelings for you started developing." I answered, candidly.
"Do you regret it?" He swiftly asked, but I didn't answer for a moment. I gauchely stood there, gathering my inevitable thoughts. That one kiss really did alter everything, even the fate of our own lives.
"(Y/N), do you regret it!?" He questioned again.
"Eren, I love you. I don't regret it, but it was the start of it all. If you hadn't kissed me that night, things would probably be way different." I responded.
He frowned, "So, now you're saying it's my fault!?" He asked, feeling somewhat offended.
"Are you hearing yourself? I am not saying that at all!" I disputed, rolling my eyes.
He sighed, "Right...I'm sorry—I feel like, like I'm losing my damn mind." He replied, rubbing his forehead with his left hand.
"I feel like we all are." I admitted, lowering my eyes.
"Connie's lost it completely." He said, disarranging his hair.
"But can you blame him though? That was his brother. After everything they've said, I feel like this was all my fault." I replied, feeling the urge to sob again. Eren turned me around, so that I was facing him again. He moved my frizzy hair out of my face and lifted my chin up, delicately.
"Please don't blame yourself. You know it's no one's fault." He said, caressing my cheek.
"But if it's anyone fault, then it's gotta be mine. Someone has to take the blame." I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"He may have been upset with you, but he wouldn't want you to blame yourself. He loved you, (Y/N)." Eren said, pulling me into his warm and solacing embrace. I hugged him tightly and cried into his chest. I cried and I cried, until I couldn't anymore.
"I should just leave—leave and never look back." I stated, breaking away from his embrace.
"You're not leaving." He replied, tightly grabbing my wrist.
I frowned, "...I'm sorry, but that's not your damn choice to make, Eren!" I cried out.
"Yeah? Well, it is now. Haven't I already lost enough people in my life? I can't lose you too, (Y/N)." He stated, starting to weep in front of me.
I sighed and pulled Eren's snug body into mine. He wrapped his arms around my waist tightly and dug his head into the back of mine. I comforted him, rummaging my fingers through his lusciously soft brown locks.
"Even if we're apart, I'll always be with you. That way, you'll never lose me." I whispered, burying my head in his chest.