・❥・
"Don't you ever wish you could flip someone off with your middle toe?" Logan wonders aloud.
"What?" I laugh.
"You get me, right? Like instead of using your middle finger you can just whip your foot out and bam you're flipping someone off with your middle toe," he explains.
"You're an idiot." Orion shakes his head trying to hide his smile.
"C'mon guys, you've never wanted to do that?"
Margot looks at him with a bored expression. "Do you ever think before you speak?"
"Uh yeah," Logan says in a "duh" tone. "How do you think I get all of my ideas?"
Peyton laughs and Orion—who is sitting next to her—looks at her like she just hung up the stars in the sky. It's been a few weeks since our little talk at the beach, and neither of them have made a move.
Those bitches are even more stubborn than Sawyer and I are.
Speaking of Sawyer... "Where's Sawyer?" I ask the group.
"His class is across campus, that's why it takes him longer to get here," Reece answers. I nod, looking over at the entrance to the garden area every so often waiting for Sawyer to arrive.
A few minutes later, I spot Sawyer walking in through the gate and immediately perk up, but something seems off.
"There he is," Logan announces as Sawyer comes to sit next to him. I frown. Sawyer didn't sit next to me like he usually does.
Logan reaches out to clap Sawyer on the shoulder, but he shoves Logan's hands off of him and sends him a little glare. Logan holds his hands up in surrender.
Damn okay. He's a little feisty today.
I connect eyes with Logan and he does a little motion with his head towards Sawyer. I send him a confused look. He rolls his eyes and mouths 'talk to him.' I immediately shake my head, scared that Sawyer will react to me the same way he did to Logan, but Logan sends me a scolding look and I open my mouth.
"Hi Sawyer," I greet with a soft smile. When his head shoots up to look at me, his gaze softens for a split second and then it immediately vanishes, causing my smile to falter.
"Hey," he grunts.
My smile drops and the whole table turns quiet. At least I'm not the only one that noticed his change in attitude. He's usually more lively than this and has never acted so dismissive towards me.
Margot grabs hold of my hand from under the table and gives it a little squeeze. I reciprocate the squeeze, turn to her, smile, and pull something out of my ass to talk about it. All of the silence is too overwhelming. I need chatter or else I'll start to overthink everything and I don't need that right now.
I have tests that I need to worry about, not this.
The bell rings, signaling the end of nutrition and I shoot up from the table, not even bothering to walk with Sawyer to our third period class.
At this particular moment, I'm actually glad that Sawyer and I aren't seat partners and that we have a test today, that way I don't need to talk to him, or my seat partner. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with his attitude and people asking me questions and begging for the answers to the homework.
I speed walk to class and go to my seat instead of hanging out outside with Sawyer like we usually do. I pull out my chromebook and turn to the practice test that my teacher gave us so that I can study a little bit to refresh my memory.
"Good morning class, I'm going to need all of you to put any materials that aren't your chromebook away and close all of your tabs. To start the test please click the link that I put on the classroom page and good luck."
I follow my teachers instructions and don't even bother turning around to tell Sawyer good luck like I usually do.
Petty much?
Instead of studying like I was supposed to, I was thinking about our encounter during nutrition and came to the conclusion that I'm not gonna talk to him unless he initiates the conversation. Some people would probably think that I'm overreacting but I know Sawyer and that person during nutrition wasn't him. So, if he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me.
When I'm done with my test, I pull out the current book that I'm reading—Archer's Voice—and wait for the bell to ring.
When the bell rings, I lift from my seat the fastest I ever have and zoom out of the classroom. But, the worst part about it is that he didn't even make the effort to try and catch up to me.
Did I do something wrong?
Did I say something wrong?
Does he not like me anymore?
Is it because of my body?
Did he find someone else?
So many questions without any answers, and the longer I go without the answers, the sooner I'll start to make up my own.
I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts that I forget to take the long way to fourth period because the shortcut that I discovered at the beginning of the year is now a danger zone for me. Too bad I don't realize the mistake I made until a big body comes barreling into me. I don't even bother turning around because I already know who did it.
"Ayo, watch where you're going fat-ass," Jake calls out. Him and his friends snicker behind me but I don't even bother turning around, continuing my trek to class.
"I was talking to you Sage, or are you just deaf too?"
I swallow down my frustration, embarrassment and the urge to curl up into a ball and cry. I'm almost there, I can see my class, this is almost over.
"C'mon Sage, I know you can hear me," he eggs me on.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
"You know what? It's fine, you're ugly ass isn't worth it anyway," is Jake's last insult before he finally leaves me alone.
I wipe the single tear that slipped and make my way to class. I have a test right now, I need to focus. I can't fail.
I plant my ass on my chair and pull out my chromebook like I do everyday. If I act like nothing happened then I'll be able to focus and not let the thoughts consume like I know they're begging to at the moment.
But, not even a minute later, the chair next to me gets pulled out and I put on a brave face. No one needs to see that I'm holding on by a thread right now.
"Hi Sage," Reece greets.
I blow out a quick breath and then turn to him with a smile. "Hi Reece."
I don't know if my eyes are red and puffy, but if they are, he doesn't point it out.
"Are you ready for the test?" he asks.
"I'm not too sure. Are you?" I say, avoiding his eyes.
"Nope." He laughs. "I didn't even study."
I shake my head. "I studied and still didn't understand the material. Good luck."
Reece chuckles. "Way to make me feel better about myself." I just shake my head again and look at the ground. "Hey, are you okay?"
Oh shit, here come the waterworks.
I clear my throat and meet his eye to try to convince him that I'm fine. "Yeah, I'm good. Why?"
He shrugs. "I don't know. Sawyer was just acting like an asshole earlier and you know..."
"It's whatever, he's probably just going through something," I say, trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault for his behavior.
"It wasn't whatever. Even if he's going through something, that doesn't give the right to treat the people around him like shit." He looks me dead in the eye to show me how serious it is.
And he's right, I know he's right but I can't help but feel like I did something wrong.
"Yeah, it's fine."
"It's—"
"Hi class, please go back to your assigned seats and get ready to start the test," my teacher instructs the class.
Reece sends me a small sad smile and then makes his way to his seat all the way across the class.
I briefly close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to get a grip of my emotions. I'm so close to breaking down and crying but I still have like four more hours of school that I need to get through. I need to stay focused.
Losing concentration isn't an option here because if I lose concentration then I won't understand what I learned and if I don't understand then I'll fail and when I fail then I'll be a disappointment and then I'll be a bad sister, and bad role model and a bad daughter. Losing concentration isn't an option here.
Too bad this test already succeeded in making me a failure. Every question had me second guessing myself even though I went over them at least five times. It was like using a calculator to make sure that one plus one equals two.
I feel even worse about myself after the test than I did before I took it. Now, not only am I fat and a disappointment, but I'm also a failure too.
And just like I've done pretty much all day today, I flee the class before everyone else. I knew that if Reece took one look at me he'd know what was wrong and I can't risk anyone seeing me like this.
I need to be strong.
I don't immediately start walking to the garden area like Reece and I usually do after fourth period. I make a pit stop at the bathroom to look at the damage first.
One look at my reflection and my face forms into a grimace. My red and puffy eyes make it pretty obvious that I've been crying, or have been on the verge of crying.
I decide to just sit in a stall for a little while and allow my face to calm down before I walk back to my friends. Peyton and Margot will know that something is wrong with me by just one look. They'll ask me all of these questions and then I'll cry for real in front of everyone.
I'd rather just cry alone in my room after I've finished all of my homework and all of my family is asleep.
Unfortunately for me though, I don't get the opportunity to calm down in the bathroom because the bathroom door opens and I hear voices that I'm all too familiar with, call out my name.
"Sage?"
"Sage are you in here?"
I take a deep breath because even the sound of their voices makes me want to cry. Why do they have to care about me?
"Sage, are you in here?" Peyton repeats, her voice sad.
A little hiccup escapes me and my hand shoots up to cover my mouth. Dammit, now they definitely know that I'm here.
They run over to the stall that I'm hiding out in and stand in front of it trying to persuade me to come out.
"Come out, Sage? Please?"
"We just want to be here for you, my love," Peyton assures. "If you don't want us here, we'll leave, but we just want to make sure that you're okay."
I lift from my seat and unlock the stall door. "I'm fine guys," I croak.
They're both standing there, at the entrance of the stall, looking at me with sad expressions. "Then why are you crying," Margot inquires.
I stand up and push past them, walking towards the mirror. "I'm not crying."
"The tears falling down your face say otherwise." I see Peyton send Margot a scolding look through the mirror. "Look, we didn't come here to fight, we just want to make sure that you're okay. We heard what happened with Jake in the hall and Reece said—"
"What did Reece say?"
"Reece said that you seemed a little down and was worried about you because you didn't wait up for him after class like you usually do," Margot clarifies.
"Yeah, well I'm sorry that I didn't want Reece to witness me have a mental breakdown after Sawyers dismissiveness towards me, that stunt Jake pulled in the hallway and the test that I had just failed. Okay guys, I'm sorry." I try to blink the tears away and stop my voice from breaking, but it's no use. The thread holding me together just ripped.
"Sage—"
"No, you know what? It's fine, it's totally fine. I'm fine." I try to wipe the tears away but they keep falling in a steady stream down my face. "I've come to terms with it. I can accept that I'm a disappointment and fat, but I can't accept that I'm a failure. I can't be a failure and a disappointment, it doesn't work that way."
"Sage—"
"I can't fail because then I'll have nothing. Who's gonna love me when I have nothing?" When I turn around to meet Peyton and Margot's gazes, I realize they're both crying too.
"Don't say that. Don't say that, Sage." Peyton shakes her head. "We would love you. Me and Margot, we would love you because you're worth so much more than a letter grade, or the way you look, or what some boy thinks of you."
"You're beautiful, Sage and you're not a disappointment, not even close," Margot adds.
I shake my head feverishly. "Don't lie."
"No. Don't start with that bullshit," Margot says. "We have absolutely no reason to lie to you. We love you for who you are. We've seen you on your best days and your worst days and we're still here. We. Love. You. We don't care about that stupid shit like weight or grades because we know the real you."
I shake my head again. "Can I be alone, please?" I'm not in the right headspace to be having this conversation. "I just... I just want to be alone right now."
"If that's what you want, then we'll leave you alone." Peyton starts walking up to me to give me a hug but I put a hand up to stop her.
"Hugs aren't a really good idea right now," I mumble, feeling bad when her face falls, but not bad enough to apologize. She nods and then she and Margot are out of the bathroom.
I spent the rest of lunch in the bathroom because I was too much of a coward to go out and face our friends. I'm still too sensitive and I wouldn't be able to look at them or have a serious conversation without crying.
I splashed some water on my face and hid in a stall when people would walk in so they wouldn't think I'm insane.
When lunch was finally over, I was ready to take on the rest of the day on the condition that no one talked to me or asked me if I was okay. As long as people minded their own business, I would be fine.
❦
As I'm working on the last piece of homework that I have for today, Peyton and Margot come to mind.
I feel bad for how I treated them today. They were just trying to make me feel better, but none of the things that they said actually succeeded. I feel bad for kicking them out too but I knew that if they stayed there with me, they would just try to keep reassuring me and it would only make the situation worse. My stupid, stubborn brain wouldn't believe anything that they said.
But, I'm not gonna apologize until tomorrow because I still feel overwhelmed and I don't think I can handle a serious conversation or a conversation about my insecurities without crying. I'm also just really tired and just need a break from talking about everything and having to listen to what people say about me.
I just want to sleep and shut out the world for a little while.
I'm packing up all of my supplies into my backpack when I hear my door open. I look up and spot Avalon walking into my room and making a beeline for my drawers. She starts rummaging through them, messing up the way that I organize all of my clothes.
First of all, she didn't even ask for permission to look through my stuff, and second of all, she's on FaceTime with her friend disrupting all of the peace and quiet in my room.
"What are you looking for?" I ask her.
"Where are your periwinkle sweats?"
"Is that what you're looking for?"
"Obviously, why else would I be asking you where they are?" Her friend on the phone snickers like what she just said was the funniest thing in the world.
"Okay well why can't you just ask me where they are instead of snooping through my stuff? You don't see me doing this to your drawers."
"You don't go through my drawers because you don't fit into any of my clothes."
Not this again.
"Well, even if I did somehow fit into your clothes, I wouldn't go through them." She rolls her eyes.
"Can I just have your sweats, please?" she asks.
"No," I answer.
"Why?"
"Because every time you borrow something you always either dirty it or stain it. I don't want you messing up my sweats."
"C'mon Sage. They don't even fit you, just let me have them."
"Yes they do."
Avalon sets her phone down on my dresser and puts one hand on her hip. "Don't lie to yourself, Sage. They're a size small and you're a large. Those sweats weren't made for... for girls like you." She says the last part hesitantly.
I swallow down the emotion climbing up my throat and scoff. "What do you mean girls like me?"
"You know what I mean."
"I don't actually. Explain it to me."
"Bigger, medium sized girls like you Sage."
"I-" my voice cracks so I clear my throat. "If I'm fat you could have just said that. No need to beat around the bush."
"I never said you were fat," she corrects.
"No you didn't, but you implied it."
"I don't want to talk about this. Are you gonna let me borrow the sweats or not?"
"No, I'm not."
"Fine," she huffs. "Be like that then." She picks up her phone from the dresser and walks out without closing my door. As she walks away I hear her say, "Becca can you ask your sister if I can borrow her sweats since my sister won't let me."
"Why won't she let you?" I hear Becca ask.
"'Cause she's a bitch," Avalon answers and then I hear her bedroom door close.
A disappointment, a failure, and now a bitch.
Word Count: 3100
author's note:
HI! I'm not really sure if I like how this chapter came out or not, but I'm just gonna... yeah. I hope you guys aren't too mad. I don't think it was that bad. Anyway, I'm just gonna shut up now.
Be sure to let me know your thoughts on the book and characters :)
I love you and I am proud of you. I hope that you have a beautiful day <3
elisa <3