I am BACK with the end of chapter 4
This chapter had no business being so hard to write wtf.
Anyway, enjoy!!
__
You see, Baekhyun is an understanding man. He is a good, empathetic, understanding man.
As he reads hateful comment after hateful comment, poisonous word after poisonous word he doubts his previous statement. A bubble of rage is born inside his chest, and as much as he wants to fling the device in his hand to the other side of the room, he takes a breath and leaves it inside his bag. Next to his shirt, hat, and mask, and soon he realises he's been staring at the object for way too long.
He huffs a breath before standing up from his spot on the practice room floor. Kai is staring at him in that way of his, with that tilt of his head and Baekhyun finds it slightly amusing, enough for his mouth to break into a small smile. That seems to please Kai, as a delicate smile decorates his lips as well before his body is turned the other way around, looking directly into the reflection in the mirror instead.
Baekhyun wishes he could look at the mirror like that, without the all-consuming guilt overwhelming his senses. He wishes he could feel that sane.
Baekhyun assumes this is only a fraction of what Xuxi must have been feeling...must be feeling.
He realises he's zoning out the second the music starts, and Kai is staring at him again, only this time through the mirror. The older boy smiles sheepishly and hurries to his position, gaining an unamused stare from the choreographer.
The music feels like an earthquake shaking his body, and in the middle of the chaos, there is an empty space. An empty space in the choreography, an empty space in the room, in the song, in his heart.
Is this how the WayV members feel every time they dance? - he asks himself, not for the first time that evening.
He dances around the space, avoiding the emptiness at all costs. His feet stomp the ground around it while dust collects inside the untouched spot.
Until another member steps on it.
It's necessary - he tells himself. It's irrational to want to not step on that one specific spot - he tries to convince his subconscious.
Baekhyun fails. Miserably at that.
Because not only does he fail, but he feels tears prickling at his eyes and he's suddenly very aware of the fact that Mark is standing- is replacing Xuxi in this choreography. That the spot is not only being stepped on but Xuxi is being changed, replaced, substituted, superseded, displaced, a synonym. At the end of the day, all are synonyms for the same thing: forgotten . And it's unforgivable. It's obvious that the others aren't too happy about the situation either, but...they were told, they were instructed, ordered and there's nothing any of them can do about it.
They have to move on.
It's not like Xuxi is dead.
But he almost is - his brain unhelpfully supplies.
It makes him pause, stumble on his feet, and if it wasn't for Kai's hands holding him up, he would've had a nice meeting with the floor. He doesn't, thankfully. He does have to face the younger's worried face and a frustrated choreographer and he thinks that perhaps his meeting with the floor would've gone rather smoothly.
"You okay?" the taller male asks kindly. Baekhyun nods. Silently praying that he won't notice the redness in his eyes, or the way his hands tremble ever so slightly. The choreographer sighs a heavy, tired sigh that doesn't leave the boy's anxiety in any good place.
"We'll leave it at that for now, it doesn't look bad," he says and the guilt he felt two seconds ago doubles to unmeasurable amounts as he vows low and mutters his apologies. The man ruffles his hair with a whispered "It's fine, just rest today," and Baekhyun's never been so grateful for a choreographer before.
He releases a sigh as he sits on the floor, almost dropping Kai with him.
"Hyung, are you okay?" Mark asks, crouched next to him. His eyes look sad, concerned, tired and Baekhyun is not proud to say he knows exactly how that feels. Exhausting is the best way he'd describe it.
He's sure Xuxi would be able to describe it better than him though.
"Yeah," he says in what could be almost considered a whisper.
Taemin and Kai take a seat next to the other two with expressions that are just as sour. Taeyong lowers himself next and the lack of two members has never felt so suffocating as it does now.
"I think," Taeyong starts, "I think we can all agree that we're not going to get any work done today," Baekhyun nods and sees the others do the same in his periphery.
"We could go back to mine," Taemin says this time, "I mean...if you want. I just- I think it's the closest non-dorm and non-public place we can go," he says with a shrug of his shoulders. His eyes are looking at the floor and the usual puppy aura that surrounds him is replaced with something darker, lonelier perhaps. So Baekhyun agrees if only to see the usual Taemin again.
The others do too.
Mark and Taeyong call their respective dorms to tell them they would be arriving late at night before they start packing their things, small smiles playing on their faces. Baekhyun feels as if he was a kid again, for a moment, as if they were all kids getting ready for a sleepover, and it's probably the most excited the boy has been in the past months.
Suddenly he hears cursing to his side and sees Kai rummaging through his own bag before dropping it again with a sigh and a hand to his hair. He stares at him in the same way Kai does, if only to spite him. Eventually, the younger boy looks at him through his fringe and a smile plays on his lips before he's being pushed to the side playfully.
"I didn't even say anything!" he says in mock annoyance and watches as a giggle escapes Kai's mouth.
"No, but you were using my technique," he says, "And that has to be considered theft, I should report you for this...honestly," a pout appears on the other's face and Baekhyun can't help but laugh at the childish display from the 28-year-old.
"Okay okay, I'm sorry," Baekhyun says between giggles, "What did you lose anyway?"
"What?! I didn't lose anything" Kai exclaims before mumbling under his breath so only Baekhyun could hear, "I just forgot my phone in the other room"
Taemin erupts in laughter beside them before saying "Oh and I am the 'magic hand'"
The eldest of the trio shakes his head before telling Kai that he'll be going to retrieve the phone and that he'll meet them at the entrance, leaving the younger with a dying Taemin and laughing members.
Or at least that was the plan.
That was the plan until he opened the door and found the face he's been hoping yet dreading to find all this time.
"Xuxi?"
The sound inside the room stops abruptly.
–
Xuxi briefly considers turning around and pretending this never happened. He never saw Baekhyun, he never came out of the house, he never dissociated so hard he doesn't remember how he got here, and lastly, but most importantly, he never purged.
Yeah, it is indeed a very tempting idea.
The second Baekhyun opens his mouth to say his name Xuxi knows he won't be able to fulfil his escape plans.
Against his will, a heavy sigh escapes him and if he was any less gone he would've probably noticed the slight flinch the action caused on Baekhyun. Alas, he doesn't. He simply closes his eyes as he prepares himself for the inevitable: a conversation. With, not only another human being (which is already dreadful in and of itself) but with Baekhyun of all people.
And it's not like he has anything against the eldest, it's more of a thing against himself. Like a lot of things are - his mind supplies unhelpfully. It's just that every time he sees his face he remembers how all this started. Xuxi remembers the words he dared to speak and a feeling of disgust covers his very being; fills his tongue and mouth like tar, covers his insides with parasites and suddenly the idea of sticking his fingers down his throat to rid himself of the insects is quite appealing.
He doesn't do it, of course. Xuxi is no idiot after all.
But perhaps he is. Because the second he had an out he should've taken it and now...now he's stuck with not only Baekhyun's stare on his face, but also Mark's, and Taeyong's, and Kai's, and holy shit, the universe really hates him doesn't it?
Breathing is suddenly becoming very hard, his lungs collapsing on themselves like a sinking Titanic and he can't help the small whine that leaves his mouth as his heart tattoos itself on his ribcage. The eyes feel like knives stabbing his soul and, shit, maybe he should really start running the other way. Anything to avoid the judgement, the pity, the fucking stares. Because he knows, okay? Knows that he looks nothing like the person that once danced by their side. That his hair looks thin and is missing bits and pieces, that his face is sickly pale, that he is sick. Knows that despite every attempt at covering his body from the world, they'll still be able to see the lack of- of everything.
He also knows he will probably never be that person that danced, sang and laughed again. And doesn't that hurt. He...is aware of the disappointment he'll cause in those eyes when the company tells them he's no longer part of the team. That he, despite everyone's help, did not get better. That he, Lucas, is not the strong person they thought he was. And lastly, that he, Xuxi, despite his best efforts...is not worthy of them.
The door is suddenly closing and the only two people standing in front of him are Taemin and the dreaded one.
Yes, he's calling Baekhyun that from now on.
Taemin is saying something, uttering words he can't bear to understand, not now at least. Not when his heart is pumping inside his ears and his lungs are fighting against each other.
Not when- there's a hand on his wrist, taking his extremity towards the other boy's chest until he can feel a steady heartbeat against his fingertips. He knows what's happening. Ten uses this technique with him often and he can't possibly say this feels as calming as when his ge's hand guides his own but it's enough, he guesses. Enough, at least, to stop feeling like his skull is trying to break apart, enough for him to make out what Taemin was trying to say.
"Can you hear me?" are the first words he hears and for a second he has the urge to scoff. Turn around and say 'Of course, I can fucking hear you'. He then remembers that was not the case five seconds ago and that lashing out would probably do more harm than good, and so he swallows the words, feels them scrape against his sensitive throat and leaves them as a thought.
He nods instead because that's the human thing to do. At least he thinks so.
"Good," Taemin speaks the words laced with such fondness that Xuxi almost wants to melt like goo on the floor. "Can you tell me five things you can see, please?" he says, and maybe months ago he would've found the request odd, not now. Not after months of dealing with feeling like he's run a marathon after someone raised his voice.
What he does know now is that he's not particularly fond of this method of 'calm the fuck down' and so he shakes his head no, removing his hand from the other's grasp.
Taemin seems a bit surprised, maybe even hurt. If Xuxi cared a bit less he wouldn't have felt the desperation clawing at his chest telling him to just obey, do as he's told and get this over with. Stop being such a coward and just listen.
He cares too much, Xuxi has decided.
So he looks up into those chocolate eyes and, although he intended to start naming things he saw what comes out of his mouth is: "I can count"
If he could slap his own face without making a fool out of himself (more of a fool, anyway) he would. Because gosh what the hell even was that? I can count??? Amazing, he has the ability range of a four-year-old.
His thought process is stopped by Taemin's voice.
"Amazing!" he says, with perhaps a bit too much enthusiasm, "You mind if I do the even numbers? I suck at the others," a delicate, carefully placed smile plays on the older's lips and Xuxi can't help but crack a small smile of his own.
He nods and starts counting, tapping his finger on his wrist in an attempt to dissuade the cloud of nothingness from consuming him.
They get to forty before the storm brewing in his lungs and the rain pouring on his brain stops feeling suffocating. At some point -Xuxi doesn't know when- they ended up sitting on the floor, freezing their buts because Xuxi was unable to breathe...great.
A frustrated grunt that ends up sounding more like a whine leaves his mouth as he thumps his head on his knees.
Only then does he notice a third figure sitting next to him.
Baekhyun's- sorry, the dreaded one's face startles him when their eyes meet, surprised that the eldest was still with him.
Taemin clears his throat then, forcing him to remove his eyes from the other.
"I'm going to leave you two to talk now," he says while standing up and Xuxi almost grabs his wrist if only to avoid the conversation that was about to ensue, "The others are still inside, we'll wait for you" and then he's gone. Taemin opened the door and disappeared and Xuxi kind of wishes the earth would do the same to him.
Awkward silence is what reigns the place after that, choking Xuxi until he feels like his lungs might collapse again. He's desperately looking for something to say, a decent way to apologise for all the trouble he's caused when Baekhyun's voice sounds next to him.
"I'm sorry," it's said in a whisper, so quiet he almost doesn't hear it. When he does he turns around to face the older man, his face filled with confusion.
"What?" is the only thing he can think of as an answer. He regrets not using his brain a bit more when Baekhyun becomes a stuttering mess.
"I mean I know it's- it's not nearly enough for - uhm - for what I-" his body is in an awkward position. Facing away from Xuxi yet getting closer every time he speaks, "for what I caused. This-this is all my fault," he finishes his spiel with a thump of his head against the wall behind them and Xuxi is still trying to make his slow brain process the words to realise that must've hurt.
And then, like the smart man Xuxi is, he gives a very intelligent answer: "What?"
...
Yeah, excuse him, his last brain cell just died there.
Baekhyun looks at him with confusion written all over his face, as if looking for something in his expression. If Xuxi was to guess based on the 'apology' he just received, he would assume the other is looking for something like anger.
"I mean," Xuxi speaks now, his eyes glued to the floor, "I don't understand why you're apologising?" he guesses that's the best way to express how he's feeling without revealing the mess his brain has become, "Just...uhm...yeah just why? I should be the one apologising for bringing you into this" he finishes. His breath is coming in short, almost imperceptible gasps as he prepares himself for the realisation to settle in the other boy. For him to stand up and scream. For him to leave.
None of that happens because apparently his stupidity is contagious and the only answer he gets is "What?" and now really, this is getting ridiculous.
"Yeah, I was the one who said dumb shit and insulted you. I brought this all upon myself and then I wasn't even able to control myself and now you're all caught up in this and...it all just," talking is becoming harder the more words he gets out of his mouth and he can feel the tears threatening to spill. He decides he's said enough, yet not nearly enough to atone for his mistakes so he leaves it at that, a single conclusion to be made:
"I fucked up...I'm sorry"
Silence falls upon them as Baekhyun gathers all the information.
The cloud Xuxi had managed to disperse is now falling on top of him once more, leaving no space for emotions to seep in. His gratefulness for the fogginess is short lived though, as he remembers he's supposed to listen to what Baekhyun has to say.
His fingers start drawing numbers on his leg in a desperate attempt to maintain focus on the situation and he can feel more than hear how Baekhyun takes a deep breath, his arms pressed against his own.
"None of that is your fault...it's never been," is the first thing the older boy says, and Xuxi almost wants to call bullshit. Baekhyun continues before he can say anything.
"I-" he runs a hand through his hair as he pauses, "We already talked about it, before...and I told you it was okay and it didn't have to become anything bigger," Xuxi is not following, so is it or is it not his fault if he made it bigger than what it had to be?
"And then it did , people started talking and I...I should've done something," huh? "Those people were mainly fans and I had the power and platforms to tell them to stop talking shit and to start minding their own business and I didn't, " his voice cracks a little in the end and the hand on his hair starts pulling lightly at the strands, "I sat here and expected someone to do something and...and no one did, I didn't do anything," Xuxi can see the tears rolling down the other's cheeks now and the urges to either hug or run are battling each other inside his brain, "and I'm sorry. I should've done something...it's my fault."
Xuxi mulls the words in his head for a while, analysing the sentences and feelings that come with them and he realises, he doesn't fully disagree.
"I guess," he starts, "you're right," Baekhyun tenses next to him, "not entirely though," and now he's looking at Xuxi like a lost puppy.
"I mean, maybe you could've done something, but I don't think it's your fault," he shrugs to emphasize his point, his eyes still glued to the floor, "You couldn't have stopped everything, definitely not what I did to myself I mean, not even I could stop it so...yeah"
After a minute of silence Baekhyun laughs a little and the sound is so improperly timed, Xuxi almost laughs as well.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," he says while cleaning his tears, "I'm still sorry though, I- I should've at least tried."
Xuxi nods, "Yeah, maybe...it's okay"
"It's really not," Baekhyun answers.
"Then I forgive you," the older pauses at that and a sob is the next thing Xuxi hears. He doesn't turn around and look, he places his hand on the other's, waits until the rampage of emotions leaves Baekhyun's body and repeats the words a couple of times, attempting to soothe the boy.
"Thank you," the other says after he's calmed down and Xuxi is not quite sure what he's supposed to say so he just squeezes the other's hand and lies his head on Baekhyun's shoulder.
"It's not your fault either, you know," no Xuxi doesn't know, he thought he was clear on that point, "You did nothing wrong, and you didn't- don't deserve to listen to all those people. They don't know shit," but he purged, he stuck his fingers down his throat and sent the member's trust down the drain, "and whatever dumb things you're thinking right now are not true," he speaks so sure of himself Xuxi is almost swayed into believing him.
"I messed up," he says instead.
Baekhyun hums.
"Did you relapse?" Xuxi is not quite sure you can even call it that, not when he hasn't really come out of it first.
"Something like that," he settles for.
"Then you didn't mess up," Xuxi scoffs in disbelief, "I mean it. Xuxi, I'm sure the others have already told you this but I'll repeat it just in case: You're healing," Baekhyun pauses there, letting him swallow the words, "Relapse, or whatever happened, is part of healing"
"But I didn't relapse!" Xuxi removes his head from the other's shoulder, frustration overwhelming him, "I just..I haven't needed to do it for a while and- and today my body just didn't do it on its own and I panicked and..."
"You purged?" Xuxi flinches at that. He's done for, goodbye group and company and every dream he's ever worked for. Gosh he's stupid, why did he think telling Baekhyun would be a good idea?
"Hey," he hears, "look at me?"
He hesitates. He, in fact, very much does not want to look into the other's eyes and see the disappointment he's been dreading face to face.
Xuxi does so anyway, afraid of what will happen if he doesn't.
Baekhyun's eyes startle him. They're red-rimmed and a little glossy and...kind. Not pitying or judging or disappointed, just...kind. Understanding. Loving.
"You're working hard, aren't you?" and Xuxi doesn't know why, but it's those words that break the carefully built dam in his eyes. Baekhyun hugs him as he cries and sobs rip out of his throat, pushing the cages he so carefully crafted inside his chest, inside his heart.
"That's all that matters, you're doing all you can and more, and that's all that matters" Xuxi had never thought about it that way if he's being honest. Everyone just placed these impossible, unreachable goals and told Xuxi to reach them and...he never thought that maybe trying counted too. Maybe he doesn't need to reach so far to be worthy.
"You could talk with the others, tell them how you feel," maybe. Maybe he will. Maybe they could start with smaller goals, some that didn't feel like were crushing him against the floor.
Maybe they'll understand.
It was a while before the sobs and tears stopped and by the end of it, they were both exhausted. The fogginess had started to fall again at some point, the floaty feeling returning to clutter every corner of his brain. It didn't feel as bad as before though. He felt safer, warmer than when he left the apartment in that frigid air.
So as he called Hendery and Baekhyun disappeared through the door, he felt as if maybe...maybe things would be alright.
--
I hope the wait was worth it heh
COMMENT PLEASE
1. What do you think of the chapter?
2. Anything you're excited about or you want for it to happen?
3. What was your favourite part?
4. Corrections? Suggestions?
Luv you beautiful human beings and HAPPY PRIDE MONTH 💜🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️