Hello All
Back with an update.
So Ideally we are at end of heavy chapters with this.
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Would love some insights.
Please ignore any errors or typos.
Happy Reading
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Dread was his first feeling. Never ever in recent times, had he felt it hit him with such severity. His eyes moved to the open door and he rushed in. At the sight of half-packed bags, it took new proportions.
“Where are you going, Miss Bose ?” He asked, looking at Swara moving around the room, picking the stuff.
“I guess I was asked to pack and leave. I am following the orders.” She didn't even look at him, he noticed .. she only intended to get out of here, as he wanted.
“You are not going anywhere”, His hand grabbed a lapel of her bag, she was trying to zip. Her eyes snapped at him. He didn't budge.
“Is that another order Mr.Sanskar Maheshwari? She mocked. “Then I am sorry, I have no wish to work for an insensitive person like you. Now if you will please…” She pulled back the lapel and turned back to work.
“I am sorry for last night, He admitted, “ I know, I was harsh … I have hurt you but I didn't know. I…” Sanskaar hated how desperate he sounded for her to listen, to make her understand. Miss Bose …Please”
“Ok! Now you know! So what now Mr. Maheshwari? Oh Yes! “ Her mock turned to sneer, “We both lost families, That makes me qualified enough. Right? Just when I thought you couldn't get any more insensitive ..look at you “ She stepped back, not because his eyes turned shade dark at her statement .. but because she had points to make …
“Miss Bose…” His words came out sharper than intended.
“No!” She cut him off,” Last night I listened to everything you said, Mr. Maheshwari. You better listen to me now and don’t you dare say a word till I finish.” Swara was in no mood to back down, not when she will have nothing to do with this brooding person in a few minutes.
“What makes you think your pain is superior to others? What gave you the impression no one else will understand your pain. What if I didn't lose and still have a loving, happy family. Will that make me incapable in your eyes of healing and sharing your pain? Will it?
Dard dard hota hain Mr.Maheshwari.Chota ya bada nahi hota.And mind you are not only one with pain … duniya mein hazar log hain aise who lose their loved ones everyday ..lekin nahi. All you wanted was to drown in your sorrow, think as if you are the only one in this lonely world whose suffering is greater than all…
Do you know how it feels when you wish you had someone to walk up to you and hold you … tell you things are going to be alright, to be wrapped in love, or to be cared for? And you have none.” Her voice came pained. He wouldn't know but she does, all those lonely moments she spent in that house craving for a soothing presence of someone, at least one to tell her it is going to be ok. “Ask me, Mr.Maheshwari!”
He didn't miss that sheen of moisture building in her eyes. “You had people who cared for you, right around you, who treated you like their own, your friends who might have offered to share your pain but no! You pushed them away. You locked yourself up. Why? Because you thought they are not fit as per your demands. You don't wish everyone who tries to care for you to lose their family? Do you? Is that the absurd theory you were holding on to?”
Her every word was like a tight slap and every scene played before his eyes. How he drove off every ounce of care and love that was offered to him, held onto his pain, and snubbed others as if they would know nothing. Did they need to know? Did they? Did he expect them to go through the same pain to comfort him? What does that make him ..if not insensitive? When did he turn into one? He sank so much in his pain he refused to see the feelings of others.
“You were right Mr.Maheshwari! I earn my living through this job but it's not because of the money. I am in this job because I like making people better. I know how it feels not having anyone to care for you … I suffered enough. If I could take away at least one percent of their pain, I would be happy. That’s what I was trying to do.
I am saying this again. Healing hurts sometimes. It does. Sometimes it rips you apart. You will choose to suffer than to heal because living through the same pain scares you, but if you don't, you never heal.” Her tone somewhere subdued from angry to upset.
“Please let people in, Mr.Maheshwari. Please open up once and look around. You have so much love around you. Now It's up to you ” She sighed defeatedly “And I had to make this point before I leave,” she turned back, collecting Tara’s toys. Thankfully Mrs. Brazgana had Tara. She wouldn’t lash out before her.
Sanskaar didn't move for long, his eyes watching her movements, but her words reeled and played over and over his mind… but above all, what he felt was fear …fear he would be alone again. He would be back into darkness.
“You are not going anywhere, Miss Bose,” This time it fell somewhere between plea and order. “I am not letting you go,”
And he could sense softness vanish and temper flare in her eyes. “Orders again? Not working” She snapped.
“Let me explain.”It was only a plea. His eyes echoed the same, but she wasn't going to fall for it though how sincere it felt.
“I think we have said enough to each other Mr. Maheshwari. It's time to call it quits.” She turned her back to him but did not expect his next move. He grabbed her hand and the next minute she was staring into his eyes …deep & dark.
A minute passed. Then another. Why didn’t she notice before, the depths of them? She thought she missed a few breaths as his eyes gazed into hers … straight.
“I listened to every word you said and I accepted each of it, but you will not deny me the chance to be heard, Swara Bose” His voice was slow and sharp. She has never seen anyone combine pain and fury in the way he did. If his warning held an edge to shoot a shiver, his plea didn't miss to resonate with what he felt.
She realized they were close, close enough to feel each other's breath but it was their eyes that held each other. He slowly released her hand .. but she didn't move. She wanted to hear.
“You were right! I pushed everyone away because I was sure they couldn't understand what I felt. But I wish I had someone who would have held onto me even When I threw them away …because I had no clue …how to handle the pain and how to seek help.I was in a mess for so long. Maybe I forget how it feels to be helped. But then….
He paused as if he was gathering thoughts. His eyes didn't leave hers. They no longer simmered with anger rather he felt them soften. He felt they were speaking to him, urging him to go on. He was glad she didn't put the distance between them. He needed her close… to dissolve his fear, that dread of her leaving. She held her breath as he paused and let out a sigh as he finished what he left hanging.
“You came in”
There was gratitude she couldn't miss, in the way his eyes searched hers, the way his words softened to a whisper.
“When you claimed you were gonna change my life forever, I didn't believe you but now If there is anyone who I believe can do that … It's you. He inched a step close and Swara didn't realize she might have forgotten to breathe for a second.
His hand held hers and their fingers twined as if they had a will of their own.
“I need you, Swara.”
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That evening they sat in silence for a long time on either side of the swing in the garden. And it swayed gently. The silence felt comfortable as each other's presence. The moments that passed between them in the morning needed no explanation. It was a quiet understanding, they reached. Shared pain and a promise to heal. It needed no words.
After heated arguments and confessions, It almost seemed an hour before they took a step back, breaking the hold they had on each other.
“I will unpack,” she muttered trying to catch her breath. It was an intimate moment. There is no denial. She didn't want to think more about it. And was glad he stepped out giving her much-needed space.
His ‘thank you didn't fail to reach her ears. And she acknowledged in silence.
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“I am sorry. I was harsh,” Swara apologized. In a bid to put across her point, she had been.
Sanskaar didn't answer for long, his eyes reading the grass intently. It felt like he didn't want to have a conversation. And she felt bothered. They might have had a heated argument in the morning, but she knew when she had hurt someone. She had seen the pain in his eyes when she called him insensitive, which she chose to ignore in her sour mood. And he acknowledged all she accused him of which he didn't have to.
“No ! You were right mostly! Sanskaar turned to her, his eyes clear as opaque, “I have been bad to others, but …You were wrong about one thing.”
I would never ever want my fate for someone else. I know how it feels to lose something precious. I might have turned blind to others' pain but I would never want anyone to lose a family. Never.” He gazed at her in silence, then turned his attention back to his feet.
She felt a sharp prick like those words had stung. She should have never said that. Words are strange, she thought. They can heal and hurt as well. And she had hurt him unintentionally. She didn't want to get away with a simple apology but there has to be a way to let him know. She was sorry.
Her eyes moved to his hand next to her. And the first image that flashed in her mind was their entwined fingers in the morning. Why did she feel hesitant now? It was easy when thinking wasn’t involved. She placed her hand gently over his, doubtfully first. He didn't protest or pull back as their eyes met.
A look was exchanged. It was all said and done with no words needed. A heartfelt apology…and acceptance.
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Swara didn't know what prompted her to share her story with Sanskaar. Maybe because she knew they had this pain in common. And he listened quietly, reading her face. The smiles, the tears, the love and fondness in her words as she talked about her family.
“So Tara?” He paused.
“My sister's daughter. Now mine” Swara wiped a tear that spilled out. The best one in my life. She gave me a purpose. I love her so much”
“She loves you too..” That earned him a small smile from Swara. He might not be good with words, but he was a keen observer. It was hard to miss the love shared between these two.
“I am sorry I am asking this”. He felt hesitant, not sure of her reaction. “What about Tara’s dad? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to ..” He added. He had no intentions to hurt her, ever again.
“It's ok! Swara shrugged. That man never meant anything, not after what he made her sister go through. “He never came back, neither after death nor to look at Tara, not even once. And I am glad he didn’t. He must be somewhere with the money my baba gave him. I wouldn't have agreed in other circumstances to stay here but you know the bank mortgage. It's on me the installments if I have to keep the house. It's the last memory I have of them …I can't let it go and I lost my job too. I will not deny, that I felt scared. At times it felt like so much to handle …And I didn't have a way out. That’s when you came in. I am thankful .., Mr.Maheshwari that ..”
“Sanskaar! He corrected. “Call me Sanskaar! Please”
She took a minute at that. I need you, Swara. Those words echoed out of nowhere in her mind. He called her Swara. Why didn't she notice then? She didn't want to think of that moment. The flashes of them, how they gave into each other.
“Are we friends now ?” Swara teased him with a smile. She needed to feel at ease and this seemed the best way.
The equation definitely took a shift. The barrier which seemed to hold him back somehow just seemed to vanish. The atmosphere did not feel rigid or tense. She felt a sense of comfort. This was the first time she ever shared her thoughts out loud with someone, a stranger first, who no longer felt like one now.
Instead, it felt like ‘homecoming’
“Will that offer me some concessions from your sessions ?” He shook his head smiling knowing the answer already. Not strict Miss Bose he knew of, yet there is no harm in trying. Maybe he could get exempted from surprise tests.
“Now you are sounding like a businessman,” She took her time and his name gently rolled on her lips, “Sanskaar.”
He met her eyes and didn't feel like leaving…wondering how they always sparked with life and he wasn't going to deny the warmth he felt at that moment as his fingers met hers in response. It felt different, his name...from her.
It felt ‘home’.
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