“Mer,” Alli begged, “tell me what’s wrong. What happened between you and Cody? He wouldn’t tell me anything. You’re the only one left; just let me know what’s wrong!” One thing I could bet on, was the fact that her eyebrows couldn’t have furrowed anymore deeper.
But that didn’t matter. What she was talking about didn’t matter anymore, too. Nothing else mattered―nothing mattered. I lifted my head and connected her gaze with mine, flashing her a weak smile at the same time. How should I put this? I just kept staring at her, while I gave myself a clue of how.
I shouldn’t be here anymore, I thought. I wanted to scream it at her. I wanted to do something, to hint her about it, or indirect her about it, to just let her know but I couldn’t.
Letting her know about why Cody and I had seemed distant ever since yesterday, meant she would learn about the truth, which also meant the biggest truth-slash-reason would be known to her.
I just couldn’t bear to do that. I’d hurt her brother, and not once but twice.
Obviously it would hurt her.
She would be hurt, but probably wouldn’t as much as Cody and me. I mean, after all, we were the ones who had fallen out of a perfect relationship, weren’t we?
I let out a breath.
Strengthening the smile on my face, I gave out a small laugh. I would say it’s pretty convincing already, considering I didn’t have much energy in me―I didn’t have dinner with them; I didn’t do it alone as well. “Nothing’s wrong, Als. Your brother’s just pissed about something.”
I lied, again. I just lied. I lied to Alli.
Some people may think that lying is the easiest job in the world, but here I am, begging to differ. It’s the most exhausting, pathetic thing to do. It is a long haul―an uphill battle. It isn’t as simple as everyone thinks it is. How do they even manage to keep up with it?
“Merinda, stop lying, please? For once? Just let me know what really happened. You know I won’t judge, or discriminate or criticize or whichever other word that has the same meaning as those previous words. Please? I’m begging you.”
Her words stung me bad, only because she knew I was lying. But, you know? If she only knew my trouble; my worry; my problem, I’m sure she’d understand. But once the truth is revealed, it’d be a burden to her; something that would be etched to her mind for eternity. I really didn’t want that. I didn’t want it to be one of the reasons for her unhappiness.
I’ve already allowed that to happen to someone. I didn’t want to hurt another.
Maybe, just maybe, if I had silently passed on, nobody would know of why, and they wouldn’t bother to find out the reason after a while, and they wouldn’t feel so sad anymore.
But as usual, that’s just me thinking about myself. Cody, was right. All I knew how to do was to think about myself and nobody else, because I’m the most self-conceited person right over here.
Sometimes I just wished I didn’t know how to think anymore.
“Als,” I paused, “you’ll wish I hadn’t told you if I really did tell you the truth.”
“Am I your best friend?” She persisted, becoming obstinate. I know she was trying very hard to dig out the truth from me. But she was going to try harder. Then again, even if she did, she probably still wouldn’t get it through her ears.
“You are, Alli, but I just―” I didn’t have time to continue my statement, because someone else had answered for me.
“Merinda has cancer, Alli.”
There was a loud gasp that wasn’t of any help at all. Everything was too abrupt for me to catch.
This couldn’t be.
My eyes slowly widened in shock, as a mixture of fear and guilt began sipping through my veins in the slowest, yet quickest way possible. My gaze moved from Alli, to the person standing by the door, before falling to the ground. I didn’t know what to do, anymore. I was as ashamed as could be.
The second person to know. The second person to hurt in a week. The second person to never forgive me like the first person. Why me? I just don’t get it―I probably never will, either.
“How could you hide this from me?” Alli said, her voice practically inaudible. She was evidently still in a state of shock. Not that I would blame her. Everyone would be surprised that I have cancerous cells in my body. Though, with the exception of me. Times like these made me feel like I deserved to have cancer because of how one’s perspective of me could change the entire of mine.
“Alli, you’re not the only one,” Cody quietly said right after, making me feel―an infinite number―as guilty as I was before. He just had to point out what I already knew, hadn’t he? If only he knew how much this pained me, if, only.
“Know what?” Alli said, forcing her head up to look up at the ceiling. “You guys are going to talk shit out. I don’t care, things need to be cleared. If it’s unclear, none of you are to leave this room. If you do, I’m never going to speak to anyone of you ever again.” And before I knew it, she had left the room, leaving me all alone with Cody.
She was crying, and it was my entire fault. See what I meant? When I try to make up white lies, Cody would constantly come up from nowhere and ruin it by telling the dark lies. I hated it more than I’ve ever hated anything in my life.
That was the truth.
And the guilt on my chest was surfacing once again.
I kept my head down as the quietest shiftings were heard, caused by Cody, as I’d observed at the corners of my eyes, who walked all the way towards the chair by the side, and plopped down on it with a small sigh. I entwined my fingers together and fiddled with them nervously―his presence around me made me nervous.
And again, shameful, regretful, and fearful, and guilty.
There was a moment of awkward silence. No one spoke, not me nor him, and this time, there was no one to break our silence.
My stomach was beginning to grumble due to starvation that was washing over me, but I used everything I had that was left in me to push it away because it couldn’t ring right now. I didn’t want Cody to know about anything I did to myself.
No, I didn’t cut myself. That’s just… no.
I pulled my lips into a straight line and tried my hardest to ignore the strong feeling of a pair of eyes that was boring through me. Trust me, it wasn’t another easy task. Especially after all that’s happened, I didn’t even think Cody would even want to bother to take a second glance at me. Un-sarcastically saying, I felt a little relieved to know that we weren’t on the worst term, where he’d just avoid my being and contain himself from looking at me.
My hands hadn’t once stopped fidgeting, which uncomforted me more. I let out a breath that I didn’t know I had been holding before closing my eyes, allowing the feeling of hunger turn into the feeling of sleepiness. But I was tired, too. Also have been twice as tired as I was ever since I found out that I had cancer. Eh, I’ve gotten used to that.
This silence was killing me more than anyone would ever know. If neither of us was going to speak up, then I might as well do my own thing to hide away all of my pain. It’s the easiest technique yet, anyway.
I leaned against the bunk supporter, feeling as though I was being engulfed into a trance of mixed emotions that confused, yet infuriated me a lot. What was happening to me was a blur.
“Why.”
My ears perked up as my head snapped up at instant upon hearing Cody’s smooth, though, brokenhearted voice. I’m sorry, but Jesus Christ it pained me more than anything in this world that had ever hurt me. Which includes the symptoms of cancer. My eyelids flew open, and I slowly turned to face Cody.
“Why?” He repeated again, this time softer and lighter, making me fall harder into the mask of guilt.
I struggled to keep my eyes open, only because of the fact that it almost felt as though there was someone or something, telling me that it’s all fine to go to sleep, and that nothing bad would happen anymore if I just closed my eyes and fell asleep.
I don’t know who, or what the hell that would be, but for all I know, it was freaking the crap out of me. I managed to force all sleepiness away though, when a pang of sadness hit me up right at the moment I was slowly sobering.
I let out a sigh.
I didn’t know how to feel anymore, or to think anymore, or to say anymore, truth be told. I thought he had made himself very clear the other time. Guess I was wrong; guess he expected more of me. Then again, I only had myself to blame. Hell, I only had myself to blame for every single thing that had happened to Cody. And now, Alli, too.
Great, just so very great.
I remained silent due to the loss of words. But Cody wasn’t just about to give up asking that question.
“I’m asking you why, Merinda. Why?” He said again, tweaking a little nerve in me. I know at this point of time, I had absolutely no right to be mad, that he should be the one who’s being mad, but does it make sense to become annoying and ask the same, old question over and over again just because this whole matter is incredulously true, instead of false? I don’t really think so. He should know the limit.
Then again, it doesn’t really seem like it right now.
“Why what, Cody? What do you want to know from me? I’ve told you everything now. You found out the last bit about me, and as of then, everything about me is no longer a secret to you. So what, do you want from me?”
“I want the you I first met, back,” I could see his jaws clenching at the corners of my eyes. He was growing mad because he thinks I’m no longer that me he first met? Was he kidding me right now? It wasn’t funny at the moment. Nothing could be funny at a time like that.
I shook my head, feeling slightly incredulous. He was pushing it―my limit. I love him, and I know I’ve hurt him bad, and I know he’s still mad, but enough is enough. He shouldn’t come to his own conclusion and assume just because I’d done what I did, that was eventually revealed. I thought he knew better, but I guess I was wrong.
Lately, I’ve been proved wrong many times by many people. One of which includes myself. Why?
“Of all people,” I began, raising my head to look at him, “you were the one I’d expect the least to say that.” And it was the truth. Right now I’m tired of lying. I don’t care if it’s going to be white lies or dark lies. As long as it’s a lie, it’s out of my reach. I stared at him as evident disbelief flashed across my eyes. I wanted him to catch that.
I wanted him to know that even if I’m in the wrong, he should know better than I had a limit, too, and that he was pushing it like there’s no tomorrow and to be honest, I think that’s just unacceptable. I didn’t know Cody was one to pursue a matter forever.
Couldn’t he just accept the fact that I have cancer and treat me better or just not bother and ignore me or something? Why was he doing this to me now? I just don’t get it, I mean it. It’s frustrating.
He let out a chilly laugh, chasing all awkwardness away and replacing it with pure coldness. “Ironic, because of all people, you were the one I’d expect the least to actually do that.”
“Look, Cody,” I gritted my teeth together, trying not to explode. “If you can’t drop this case, or if want me out of here, then I’ll leave. I’ll get the air tickets and I’ll get out of your life forever. I’ll change my phone number, my twitter username, you scribble above my house address, you forget about me and I do the same, and we never speak to each other again, and never see one another again, and that’s only if you want this to happen to us.”
It hurt me to no extent to say something like that because I am never one to speak like this. All that I had said was false. I didn’t want him to agree, or to add on, because I was caught up in the moment. I forgot everything; fury had taken the best of me.
“Is that what you want?” He let out a breath, looking straight at me.
What was he talking about now? What happened to the Cody I once knew? Why is this even happening to us right now? I forced the twitches away from my eyes as I grounded my teeth together tightly, once again. “I said only if you want this to happen to us. Only if you want this, Cody. Don’t be a smartass at twisting people’s words.”
“Merinda, if you hadn’t kept something like this away from me, none of this would’ve happened. I’d just like to remind you that.”
“Why does it even matter so much?” I cried out loud, already at the maximum of my patience and tolerance. I was done holding myself back. I had to explode, somehow. “Why is keeping this reason away from you such a big thing? Why can’t you just drop it? Why can’t you just stop pursuing the matter? Why can’t you just forget about this already? Why can’t you just stop with your nonsense? Why, Cody? Why? Why?”
“Because I care!”