"Piece of shit!" Impa kicks her boot against the claw machine and spams the big red button.
"Calm down, the machine already has a dent because you kick it all the time," I chuckle lightly.
"So sick of this scam machine. Let's just go. We can go ride the Ferris wheel. Sun's gonna set soon, maybe we can take some selfies."
"Sure. But keep in mind that I have to be home in about an hour."
"Oh yeah. I forgot. The dinner..."
"What?"
"What?"
"Why did you say it like that?"
"Like what?"
"The dinner..." I quote her with the same lack of enthusiasm.
"Oh, it's not what you're thinking. It's got nothing to do with Link or your dad. I'm just pissed at the claw machine."
"Oh. Don't beat yourself up. One day you'll get it," I pat her back. "Would a bag of Skittles help cheer you up?"
"Only the sour kind," she mumbles at her chest.
"I'm pretty sure they sell the sour ones at the kiosk."
"Then yes! That'll help!" She chirps, suddenly wearing a bright smile. Candy is the best way to defeat her pout.
After stopping for Skittles and popsicles, we buy our tickets for the Ferris wheel but Impa changes her mind when we pass a caricature artist and convinces me to buy a drawing of us together.
We sit down next to each other and smile for the artist. Thirty seconds in, I realize that a smile was not the best pose for a drawn picture of us but when I ask if I can still change my pose the guy just smiles and thanks me in a rich accent. I guess I'll have to awkwardly sit here with a frozen grin until the artwork is done.
"So, I kinda started seeing someone," Impa randomly reveals.
"What? Since when?" I ask, trying not to move my lips. Why is she telling me right now? The artist will mess up our picture if we start talking.
"Been going on for a few months."
"What?! Why did you never tell me you're dating someone?" I can't help but feel a bit hurt. She would be hurt too if I dated someone in secret.
"We aren't dating. Just hooked up a few times... I don't even know if I want it to be more."
"A girl or a guy?"
"A guy," she snaps. Why is she getting angry at me?
"I didn't mean to be insensitive. Sorry."
"I'm not gay," she mutters abashedly.
"Okay." I quietly return, biting my tongue. I turn my head to look at her; she is bright red. "But if you were... that would be okay too," I add.
"I know."
"Do you?"
"What?" She barks.
"I'm just saying. I would never judge anyone for their sexuality."
"Neither would I!" she defends herself.
"Stop being so defensive, I'm not attacking you!"
"You're implying that I'm homophobic!"
"What?! You're the one making a big deal out of it! It literally doesn't matter to me which gender you like but apparently it does to you..."
She's overreacting. I shouldn't have assumed anything and maybe I shouldn't have brought it up but I always thought we could talk about anything and everything. Even about stuff like this. I would never judge her, no matter her sexual orientation. I don't know why she's being weird about it.
But what's confusing me even more is that she defended herself so quickly when I asked if she was seeing a girl. Didn't she have feelings for me last year? Or did I completely misunderstand that whole situation? My stomach twists at the thought of it. If I really did misunderstand her feelings for me, I'm going to feel so embarrassed...
"You really confuse me sometimes," I sigh.
"How?" She scoffs.
"I don't know... I thought you liked me. At the lodge you said—"
"I know what I said."
"Okay... well... Did I misunderstand that whole thing?" She said she got jealous of Link. But she also said that she wasn't in love with me. Did she just feel abandoned by me as a friend? Why isn't she answering me? "Goodness, I really did misunderstand it, didn't I?"
"No." She looks the other way, pursing her lips with creased brows.
"So you did have feelings for me?"
"Dude... Why are we even talking about this?"
"Impa, I'm not trying to embarrass you, I'm just trying to clarify because I'm so confused right now."
"That makes two of us..."
"What do you mean? If you had feelings for me at some point... I mean... wouldn't that indicate that you... like girls?"
"I don't know," she whispers and lets her posture sink into surrender. "I don't know what I am or what I want, okay? I like guys. And I like, well, liked... you. Girls just... confuse me I guess."
"Bisexuality does exist, you know?"
"I don't want a... a girlfriend though."
"Do you want a boyfriend?"
"Pfft... no."
She really does seem confused about what she wants. She's sort of contradicting herself.
"If you don't even want to date in general, how would you know if you want to date a girl or boy?"
"Because."
"Would you have dated me?" My stomach flutters as soon as I ask that question. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. She looks uncomfortable.
"I don't know, okay? I thought about it when you started seeing Link but I think that would have been weird. We've been friends forever and dating you... I don't know. Maybe. I don't know okay? It doesn't matter." Her face has the same shade of red as a stop sign... I should take the hint. "I don't like talking about it. So can we please drop it?"
"Of course. I'm sorry."
"Yeah right..."
"Hey, don't make me buy you a postcard," I tease her. She doesn't laugh. She doesn't even look at me. "I'm sorry, okay? I promise I have no intentions of making you uncomfortable. I want you to be able to talk to me without fearing judgment. I love you no matter what. No matter who you like or don't like."
In a way, I get it. There are things that go through my mind or stuff that happens to me that I don't discuss with her either. But I have good reasons. Everyone does. Every decision we make in life, major or minor, is made with reasoning. That doesn't mean it's always reasonable, but we do always make our choices after weighing our options. And after weighing mine, I decide to open up about something I always feel uncomfortable talking about.
"We can talk about anything, right?" I ask, having given up on behaving like a good model for the poor sketch artist.
"Of course we can. I just choose not to."
"I know. I won't bring that up again. But... There's something I want to talk about, I just don't know if it will make you uncomfortable."
"What is it?"
"Mh... Actually, this probably isn't the best place to talk about it."
"Is it about sex?" She asks casually.
"Not so loud," I beg in a frantic whisper.
"I'm talking at a normal volume," she chuckles.
"Exactly!"
"Fine I'll whisper," she rolls her eyes and continues to speak through her teeth. "Even though this dude probably doesn't even speak English."
He really doesn't seem to be paying attention to our conversation. Still, this is not really something I want to discuss in public.
"So?" Impa presses.
"It's not necessarily about..." My eyes glance at the artist one more time to make sure he is focused on the artwork. "About sex," I whisper so quietly that I can hardly hear my own voice. "But it is related to it."
"You and Link getting all hanky panky?" she smirks.
"No!" I answer despite not knowing what hanky panky means. If it is anything intimate, we surely haven't done it. "We haven't done anything."
"Anything at all?"
"Why does that surprise you?"
"'Cause it's been like half a year since you told me you want to sleep with him."
"I would have told you if it happened."
"Really?" She looks touched.
"Yes of course." She's probably the only person on the planet whom I would tell. Even if I'm in constant fear of hurting her feelings when it comes to my relationship with Link. "Do you think he wants to?"
She snorts and answers without any hesitation. "Yes."
"I'm serious..."
"You think I'm kidding?"
"Link is not like other guys. He's really patient."
"He may be a gentleman but no matter how gentle, men ain't patient."
"He is an exception," I persist.
"Mhm, sure. Then, let me ask you this: If tonight you told him you'd like to sleep with him, right then and there, would he decline?"
He did decline last time I tried. Granted, he only declined because I was intoxicated...
"Maybe."
"No, the answer is no."
"Whatever."
"Pfft, don't whatever me, girl. He probably carries a condom everywhere just in case you spontaneously change your mind." She refills her mouth with skittles before she continues. "So why are you waiting?"
"Pardon?"
"If he's not the one holding back, it's you. But why? You've been wanting to do it since winter break."
"I'm not sure if I really wanted to. I was just thinking about the what-ifs. All I really wanted that day was to talk to you about it, it's not like I was planning on doing it that very night."
"Hmm.. Sorry for flipping out on you that day. And for flipping out again today... I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about these things."
"I know, don't worry about it."
"Still doesn't answer my question though. Why are you still waiting to do it? It's not about that one-year rule you made in middle school, is it?"
"No."
"Just don't want to?"
"That's not even it. I suppose I'm just a bit scared."
"Why?"
"Lots of reasons! What if I do something wrong? What if I'm not good at it and Link ends up feeling unhappy in our relationship? And breaks up with me! Or ends up being interested in someone better! It's stressful! Every time we get slightly intimate I think about whether he wants to do more, so I can't even really enjoy it. All I can think about is what it's like. What will I feel? Will he like it? Will I? Does it hurt? Oh god, what if it hurts?!"
"Zel--"
"Or what if my body doesn't look the way he thought it would? I've never exposed my body like that, especially not to a guy. And-and I don't know how to act sexy, I feel awkward every time I try. It's not a big deal to him, he seems pretty used to that stuff already-but I-I don't watch those obscene videos, you know which ones I'm talking about. The ones guys like to watch. It sets the bar so high! What if he compares me to those women? He will have certain expectations. Expectations I can't even imagine because, again, I haven't watched those videos before. Which means I don't know how girls are supposed to act! Even if I knew, I don't think I could pretend like the pain isn't there... People always say it hurts and that there will be a lot of blood–"
"Holy shit, calm down!" Impa cuts me off in a burst of laughter. "Take a breather!"
"Why are you laughing... "
"You are way too worried about this. Your first time is not some exam. You can't study for it and nobody is grading it. You should do it when you feel ready and with someone you trust. If you have those two boxes checked, you'll be fine."
"Speaking out of experience?" I tease her.
"Yeah so don't worry."
"Wait, so... You've actually done it?"
"Mh, not really," she ponders. "Well... actually... I guess so."
What?! Why is she being so vague?!
"I've hooked up with people at parties."
"How would you define 'hooking up'?" I ask, pretending to be totally calm about this.
"Um... I don't know. Depends. Can be making out or more."
"So have you done more? Because your answer to my question wasn't very unambiguous. 'Not really, well, I guess' What does that even mean?"
"Why are you asking for details? It's not like you tell me everything that goes on between you and Link."
"Because there is nothing going on."
"Oh so you haven't done anything besides kiss?" When I pull my head between my shoulders and press my lips together, she gives me a gloating smirk. "Thought so."
"We really haven't done much..."
"Thought we could talk about anything."
"We can."
"Prove it."
"If I tell you, you have to tell me too."
"Yeah, fine." She gives me a look full of expectation. Wait–she wants me to tell her right now?
"Not in public," I whisper.
"Is it that bad?"
"No, but private." The only remotely intimate things we have done are make out and Link putting his hand on my bottom. Knowing Impa, neither of those will count as intimate.
"Well. I'll just go first then. I've done some stuff," she shrugs. She's trying to play it cool but I can tell she's a little nervous to tell me. "Nothing serious though..."
"Oh."
"Don't give me that face."
"What face?" I ask, switching to a neutral expression.
"That look of judgment. That's exactly why I never tell you these things."
"I'm not judging."
"You said oh."
"How is that judgmental? It's a minor exclamation. I promise I'm not going to judge you for... hooking up."
"Good. Because I didn't judge you when you started hooking up with Link last year."
"You did judge me."
"Besides," she continues unbothered, "I don't just do stuff with anyone. I'm not like that."
"I know. You don't have to defend yourself. I would never assume that about you."
"Never say never... I sorta hooked up with Prissen."
"Sorta?"
"I hooked up with Prissen."
This shouldn't surprise me as much as it does. "So there was more than just that one kiss?"
"With him? Definitely. We slept together at one of the frat parties," she begins but quickly adds, "I didn't sleep with him. But... Yeah. We messed around a bit. We were both plastered though and I told him I didn't want to—you know, go all the way."
"What about Domidak?"
"The brother?"
"Yes. He likes you."
"So? Am I supposed to hook up with everyone who likes me?"
"No but... he seemed to genuinely show an interest in you. Why didn't you give him a chance?"
"I did. But he can barely get a word out when he's around me."
"So you like Prissen then?"
"He's chill and we've been friends for about two years now but I don't like him like that."
"So you didn't sleep with him."
"That's what I just said."
"Did you ever sleep with anyone else? I won't judge if you have." But I would be a little hurt that she never told me.
"One guy."
"Seriously?" Okay, maybe I'm more than just a little hurt.
"You said you won't judge!"
"I'm not," I raise both hands in defense, then quickly return to my previous pose for the artist.
"We were friends in high school. It happened at one of the afterparties on prom night. You weren't there, so obviously I was miserable, then Symin started–"
"Symin?!"
"No judgment, remember?"
"I'm just taken aback! I didn't know you guys were friends."
"Maybe 'friends' is a stretch. We like the same band, that's about it."
"Wasn't he in Purah's grade?"
"Yeah they're like besties... he's at HU too. Same major as her."
"But—hold on, go back, what was he doing at our prom?"
"He wasn't at the prom. Just the afterparty. He was close to some of the seniors, and also, he was 21, so he brought some of the booze."
I don't know how to react. I am a little thrown off, maybe even a bit disappointed? But I don't want her to notice it. I want her to be able to talk to me about anything. So I just act as if I'm totally fine with all of this.
"Anyways, he started talking to me at the party because he noticed that I wasn't in a good mood. He started making fun of some of the couples to cheer me up and then we somehow started talking about high school romances, and relationships, and how I had never dated anyone, and, well, I sorta told him I didn't want to be a virgin in college."
"Goodness. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, Impa."
"Yeah... I know but I still said it in that moment. So he offered to be my first, as a joke, and I was like, why not? So I just kinda did it to have done it. We hung out a couple of times after that but never hooked up again. Wasn't that great to be honest."
"So, but... Which one is the one you've been seeing lately? Is it Symin or Prissen?"
"Neither. You don't know the guy. He's not at HU. I haven't talked to Symin at all this year and me and Prissen—Mh... we haven't hooked up since that one night. We're both not really looking for a relationship. He'd be fine with us just hooking up at parties but I'm not looking for a friends with benefits situation or anything like that."
"I see..."
"You're doing it again; the disappointed face."
"Sorry. I'm not disappointed. Just processing. I didn't know you were so... experienced."
"Please don't judge–"
"I'm not!"
"I was gonna say please don't judge Prissen."
"Oh."
"Okay, you really have to stop with the 'oh's."
"I'm not doing it on purpose." I zip my lips and toss the invisible key.
"He can be fun. Just not the attachment kind of guy. Doesn't make him a bad person."
"So he didn't push you to do anything?"
"Not at all. When I told him I didn't want to sleep with him, he pretty much immediately stopped and we just kinda cuddled until we both passed out. You can't tell anyone! I literally had to force him not to tell anyone. I don't want people to think I'm free real estate. And again, I don't hook up with people that often, really only at parties when someone dares me to kiss someone. Had my first kiss with a girl at a party too. But that was just another dare... Kinda sucks that I never had anything real."
I want to ask about the girl she kissed but I promised I would leave it alone. She'll tell me whenever she's ready.
"What about the guy you're currently seeing? Is that not something real?"
"No clue to be honest. It just... doesn't feel right. You know? Like... It's nice and all and I like to hang out with him but... I don't like him. If you catch my drift."
"Then why are you still seeing him?"
"I don't know. So I'm not lonely? It sounds more depressing than it is. I don't really want to get into that right now. I'm starting to think the artist understands more English than I thought."
"Okay," I nod, lacking the words.
"Okay?" She asks surprised. "Are you really okay with all that?"
"What else am I supposed to say?" I shrug. "Obviously I'm a bit hurt that you never told me any of this but I get it. You were scared I'd judge you. I never tell you what goes on between me and Link because I'm scared of hurting your feelings. We have our reasons. But I want you to know that I won't ever judge you. You can talk to me about absolutely anything."
"So... you're okay with it then? Me hooking up with people?"
"I'm okay with it as long as you are. I just want you to be okay, Impa."
"You too. If Link ever pressures you into doing stuff I'll literally rip off his—"
"Impa!" I cut her off with a cramped smile.
"I was going to say head," she claims with a smirk that suggests otherwise. "I'm dead serious though. He better treat you like royalty."
"He's good to me," I assure her. "Actually, there was this one instance." Her head snaps back in my direction, fire burning in her eyes. "Before you freak out, it was just a misunderstanding! We ended up talking about it and now we are all good."
"What'd he do?" She growls.
"Can we not talk about it here?"
"Really? This is where you draw the line?"
"Ladies," the artist gets our attention with a bright smile and reveals the artwork. "Is finnish!"
I have to put on my most convincing fake smile. It's not that he doesn't have any talent but did he have to insult us visually? He drew our features way out of proportion. My ears aren't that pointy, are they?
"Looks dope!" Impa genuinely looks satisfied with the outcome.
I tip the man and give the drawing to Impa. As we walk to our cars, she continues to insist on more information regarding the topic. I don't want her to think poorly of Link and decide to just tell her about the night he tried to sleep with me as well as the night I tried to sleep with him.
Looking back, both situations resulted in great conversation. After Link kissed my neck, unintentionally triggering a panic attack, we talked about boundaries. And ever since I tried to seduce him in an intoxicated state of mind, I feel like I've been a little more open about intimacy. Which honestly feels great.
"Link and I have been doing really great," I conclude as we reach our cars.
"Yeah seems like it. We barely hang out anymore."
"I'm really sorry I don't mean to—"
"No, it's fine, really. I didn't say it to make you feel bad. You guys haven't been able to really enjoy your relationship for a long ass time so I'm glad things are working out for you two. And I'm busy hanging out with Kiroh most days anyways."
"Thank you for understanding." Her support means so much to me... especially after everything that happened last year.
"Yeah. No probs. You seem happy, which makes me happy. And a little jelly. But mainly happy," she laughs.
"I am happy. And you're a huge part of it too, you know?"
"Duh. I'm your best friend, it's my job to make you laugh," she shrugs and gives me her most confident smile.
"I miss spending time with you."
"Me too. Can't wait to go to that concert with you after you get back from Japan."
"It'll be fun."
"You bet."
"I love you." I give her a big hug before getting into my car.
"Love you more," she returns with a wink.
"Love you most."
"Love you mostest."
"Love you mostester," I counter.
"We can do this all night."
"But then I'd miss dinner with Father and Link, ultimately ending up as a single orphan."
"Guess you just have to accept that I love you mosterest."
After a playful roll of my eyes, I roll up the window and wave goodbye as I back out of the parking spot.
It feels good to have talked to Impa about these kinds of things. I wish we would have been in a private setting. Maybe I would have opened up even more. Maybe she would have told me more too. We should have a sleepover soon.
I start driving home. Link said he's meeting me there. I hope he's not planning on showing up on his motorcycle. I'm not sure how Father would react to that.
I turn up the music and sing along, feeling merry and excited for dinner with the two most important men in my life. Father was smiling carefree this morning. When I asked him about the source of his good mood, he didn't list anything related to politics, real estate, or the stock market, no, he simply claimed having woken up like that. I couldn't believe it; he was subconsciously looking forward to tonight's dinner. At least that's my theory.
Spotify is suddenly paused by my phone's ringtone and the song's name on my car's display is replaced by Pik's name. Well this is random. We haven't spoken in--I don't even know how long.
"Hello?" I speak into the mic after answering the call.
"Zelda..." His voice is low and nearly drowned out by the sound of his fleeting breath.
"Pik? Everything okay?" I ask concerned.
"I..." Wind is blowing in the background and I'm pretty sure I hear a seagull squawk. He must be near the coast.
"Pik?" I ask again after a few seconds of distressing silence.
"I need you... I need your help..." he pleads slowly.
My stomach twists as my brows crease. "Talk to me. What's going on?"
"Can you please... come...?"
"Er..." I don't know what to say! I have a dinner to attend... But if Pik needs me, I can't just abandon him!
"I'm so sorry..." his voice breaks... "I know this sounds like a stupid cliché but I wouldn't be asking if I had other options..."
"It's not stupid," I assure him. "What do you need help with?" Maybe I can help him over the phone while I drive home.
"I need your eyes," he whispers ashamed.
"What?"
"I-I lost something and I can't—I can't find it with my eyes..."
My heart... His eyesight must have gotten worse. Maybe it's fully gone now. I haven't checked in with him in a while... I feel so horrible.
"Where are you?" I ask.
"Huntington beach..."
"I'm an hour away..." I quietly return.
"Oh... Okay... I understand. Thanks anyway..."
"Wait hold on, what did you lose?"
"It... N-never mind. It doesn't matter."
"Pik..."
"I'm sorry," he gives me a fake chuckle and tries to speak in a light-hearted tone. "I'm drunk, just ignore my odd behavior. Don't come. I'm sure whatever you have planned for tonight beats meeting some weirdo at the beach, ha. Sorry for calling so randomly."
"Pik—"
He hangs up before I can say another word. His efforts to hide his pain have failed drastically. I don't know what is going on with him but he seems to be consumed by a kind of despair I know too well.
A shameful part of me is relieved that he hung up so I didn't have to break it to him that I indeed have plans for tonight and won't be able to help him find whatever it is he lost. But the majority of me is trembling with worry and guilt. He said he needs me... My relief only disgusts me.
Every time I needed him in the past year, he was there for me... I know he said I shouldn't come but... I am his friend. And friends take care of each other...
I don't know what to do now. I want to believe that Pik truly did change his mind and doesn't want me to come but I know better. I'm so conflicted, I know that I need to go home. Link is probably on his way already and Father seemed thrilled about today... I really can't bail on them.
I'm sure Pik will be fine without me. The beach is bustling with people, somebody else will be able to help him. And worse comes worse, he will call me again if he really needs me to come...
---
Heyyyy guys! Looks who's still alive!
Sorry for being on hiatus! I moved to America in May, then immediately had stuff happen and had to go to the hospital, and right after that I started college with an intense schedule!!! I took a lot of credits during the summer and have even more classes waiting for me in the fall semester (Which is starting on Monday already HELP T_T) So yeah.... Not quite yet returning to a regular uploading schedule BUT I have been writing some chapters and feel ready to share those with you :)
Thank you all so much for all the sweet messages! Even though I wasn't able to reply to all of them, I see them and appreciate them! They really kept me going during the past months. You showed me that you really care about me and are patiently waiting for chapters and art! LOOOVEEE YOUU ALLL SOOOO MUCHHH <3 <3 xoxo
PS: check out the chapters A Good Day and Happiness! I added some art!!!!