The very thought of penning this letter has me giggling. I can almost picture you yelling, 'Enough with this stupidity! Do I look like a letter guy to you?' But despite whatever you say, I know you'd always hold a grudge towards me if I didn't write one for you, which is precisely why you are the first person I write it to. My dreams, my wishes, my last will.
You know the drill, so I wouldn't remind the same to you. You know why you received this letter, and as much as it pains me never to be able to see you again, I know it would hurt you more. Unlike the perennial image of a badboy you try to maintain, deep inside, I know you are just a hurt soul. A child who would go to any lengths, even throw a tantrum, to get what he wants. Don't worry. I haven't shared this secret of you with anyone, and I take it to my grave, literally.
People look at that smug smile you keep plastered across your face, and they might think you wouldn't be affected as such by this, and knowing you, you might even try to stand true to that image, probably even burn this letter and then regret it later, but deep in your heart, you'll miss me, and you might probably never even recover from it.
I am not trying to show how important I am to you. Rather I want to remind you of your humanity, the kind and loving person that lives inside of you. You don't trust because you were betrayed, you lie because you know the truth hurts, and you don't love because you want to protect. But the thing is, Sey, your love was the one thing that saved me all this time.
My mind was a huddle of dark clouds when I opened my eyes. I didn't know who I was, and I couldn't believe if the person who looked back at me in the mirror was me. It hurt more inside my heart than it ever did from the injuries I sustained. I was falling through a bottomless pit, getting sucked into the abyss, like sinking into quicksand. I couldn't breathe, and fighting back only made my descent rapid and deeper.
When I thought I had given up and was beyond saving, you offered your hand to me. Like a lighthouse on a stormy night, you were the beacon of light that guided me back to the shore. I wouldn't lie, I hated you for all you put me through. Waking up at four in the morning was a nightmare. The hour-long run around the track field was frustrating. My body ached all the time, and I don't remember you holding back from punching me in the gut or flipping me to the ground over your shoulder when we trained.
Oh God, I hated you, hehe. Writing all this is making me recall all that. Perhaps I should just come and haunt you in your nightmares as revenge.
I am just kidding, obviously. I won't do that unless you want me to. Maybe I can appear in your dreams once in a while. Would you allow me to?
It's funny, all those memories. I digress. I wanted to confess that despite every curse I might have hurled at you, you made me stronger, and I would always respect you for that. You hold a special place in my heart that can never be replaced. When everyone treated me like fragile glass, you viewed me as steel, and you made sure I was melted in the highest temperatures to be forged into the sword I became.
You gave me my sanity.
You gave me my freedom.
You gave me my strength.
You gave me your love.
And while I thought even a lifetime might not be enough to repay the debt to you, I find myself in a pinch. I cannot be with you anymore. I wouldn't get to see your smile anymore. It hurts like hell, and I am desperately hoping right now that you never have to see this letter, but if you are reading this, I am really sorry, Sey.
It bothers me that you didn't ask me for anything in return. Even though I could see the pain behind that smile of yours, you never asked me to comfort you. You held my hand through every hurdle in my life while walking your own path alone all this time. You were always a giver, and I couldn't even give my time in return. I am so hopeless to have failed you. I was such a lousy student.
I am sorry, I was selfish. I am sorry, I couldn't return your love. I am sorry for leaving first. It was something I always prayed for, never to have to receive a letter from you because I couldn't survive the pain I'd feel if you were ever gone. It was a blessing, so you don't have to worry about me. I am at peace. The only regret I have is not being there in your future.
I wanted to see you grow. I wanted to sing more songs with you. I wanted to celebrate more Christmases together. I wanted to get you more gifts and play more video games with you. I wanted to stand by your side and see you make the world a better place. Even if I couldn't offer my heart, I wanted to give my life to you.
I may not be there to witness it, but I know the light inside of you will continue to burn brighter. You are the kind of person who'll make everyone hate you so you could do good for them without getting cared for because you think you don't deserve it. But well, Sey, a dying person, never lies. This last letter of mine is my testament to the fact that you deserve every shred of warmth and every ounce of love that life has to offer. This world doesn't have enough of it for you. Because you deserve more, and anyone who says otherwise will get a shoe shoved up their ass by yours truly.
You are the kindest person to have ever walked on this planet. This world is still beautiful because you are there in it. Coming from a life you saved one, a hand you held once, believe it. Live and love again.
Yours
Ariel