Perrie POV
The day is just like yesterday, only longer. I yawn about ten times per interview and long so much for the end, but it just doesn't come. The life of a pop star during promo days. It's always amazing how many shows there are to be interviewed at. I had reassigned Claude to watch Jade as the dancers were off during our promo. Most of the crew apparently went off to explore Vancouver, but Claude knows how much Jade means to me and us and how hard it is for me to leave her alone when she's not well. So he doesn't mind, at least that's what he assured me. Every break I pestered him with check calls.
Apparently she was awake more often today and was already annoyed by his presence. He said she had kicked him out of the suite at some point, which brought a smile to my face. When she finally answered the phone herself, she was outraged that I had even asked him to watch her.
When we came back to the suite in the evening, or rather at night, she was lying snuggled up on the couch with a Sudoku book in her hand. I let myself fall down next to her and kiss her tenderly and am happy to finally sit next to her again. We have been apart for the past twenty hours. Far too long, especially after all the events of the last few days. And I don't realise until I'm sitting here that I can only now finally relax a bit. All I need is her.
"Why are you still awake?", I ask quietly.
"I think I slept enough for now," she replies, giggling.
"What have you been doing all day?", I then want to know with a laugh and she eyes me incredulously. "What do you think?" she returns with a grin, but I can tell she doesn't necessarily feel like laughing. She just wants to cover up her actual feelings.
"I've been sleeping, I took a bath, did lots of Sudoku and spent way too much time on my phone," she explains tersely. I myself have avoided my phone and various social media throughout the day, simply because there was no time to pick it up. But I can imagine what is circulating on the internet right now after I had to answer numerous questions about Jade and Alex yesterday and today. Our fans and non-fans are quick.
"Anything interesting there?", I ask with half-hearted interest.
"The Jerrie accounts are going completely nuts," she replies with a worried look. "We have to be careful."
"Do we?", I ask without giving it much thought, to which I earn a stubborn look.
"I kept thinking today how easy it would be to make our relationship public right here and now," I admit cautiously. "All this questioning is getting to me. I don't want to hide or keep us a secret. I mean we talked about this. I'm proud to be with you," I declare a little more confidently now as Leigh and Jesy also know about us, waiting spellbound for Jade's answer. But none comes.
"Jade, what do you think?" I ask uncertainly again.
"I don't really know," she says quietly. "I want all that, I really do. But what about the label? They'll rip our heads off. Remember what happened last time."
"Didn't we agree that it doesn't matter anymore?", I enquire, puzzled as to where her doubts are suddenly coming from.
"We did..." she admits meekly.
"To be honest, I wouldn't wait much longer," Jesy interjects. "They can't possibly cancel the tour and if we do at least a little bit well, this will take us to the top. If you come out during the tour, their hands are tied. And if they want to kick us out afterwards, let them. I'm pretty sure many labels would love to sign us," she explains and I slowly nod. Her words make so much sense and I notice euphoria spreading through me, but Jade is still looking thoughtfully to the ground.
"You're right," she replies meekly. But before I can inquire further, she leans back with her head pressed against me and intuitively I put my arms around her to hold her tightly against me. But I can't get rid of the queasy feeling. I know that she is under a lot of strain right now, I mean, me too. But I really wonder what kind of stuff she has read on the net today.
Jade POV
Normally I don't really take comments to heart, at least not anymore. I can't explain it, maybe it's because I'm so physically battered at the moment that it all affects me more. Or maybe it's because it's affecting Perrie as well. The Jerrie theories have been taking over since my visit to the hospital. At first I didn't have the time or energy to read through any of it. But when I woke up a bit more refreshed today, I automatically picked up my phone and scrolled through it. We weren't exactly subtle. I wore Perrie's hoodie, I'm always glued to her hand, she didn't leave my side in the hospital, she burst into tears during our song, she broke up with Alex out of the blue. And that's exactly why it all comes back to me, it seems. I wouldn't call them hate comments directly, but they are not nice to read either.
I can't believe Perrie would actually leave Alex for someone like Jade
How can Jade stand in Perrie's way like that?
I'm sure there's something going on between them. Just no idea what to think about it
I loved Alex and Perrie so much, what a dream couple
What kind of person is Jade to come between them like that
They are so disgusting
Why is Jade so ugly at the moment
Perrie deserves so much better
Most of the things are repetitive, but I have to gulp again and again when I read something like this. Of course, there are also positive reactions to some theories, but according to my personal feeling, the negative ones clearly dominate. And I can even understand them. I am the reason for their break-up. I'm the reason Perrie threw away her perfect relationship. And I know for a fact that the people out there are right. I'm not worth it. I am not worth her love. I don't even know how much longer I'm going to be here.
And justifiably, I'm also getting the most criticism from our fans right now. Numerous videos are circulating of my less than satisfactory performances of the shows so far, which I can't stop watching. Until then I was proud to have survived every show at all. But it looks just like that, pure survival and nothing more. Hardly any interaction with the others, hardly any laughter to the fans, my dance moves and general movement seem choppy and my voice is too often weak and brittle. They're right, I am the weakest link. And that will only get worse from now on, I'm sure of that. We're talking about coming out publicly with the hope of being big after this tour, so that every label will be lining up to get us to sign with them. But how is that going to work if I mess up every show and stand in our way? How can anyone want us afterwards?
And then I also miss a show, have to be in a hospital, cause nothing but stress for everyone around me and to make matters worse I can't do my job properly and miss the radio tour. And that's just the beginning. How is the tour going to be a success with me? If I'm not already kicked out after all these missteps, then at the latest as soon as they find out about my illness. And when it comes to light about Perrie and me, it's over for her too. And then probably also for Leigh and Jesy as well. And I couldn't live with that.
Little Mix is everything I am, everything that defines me, everything I want to do in life. Not being able to be a part of that is a horrible idea in itself. But to be blamed for the general demise of it all would be unbearable. And the longer time I have to think about all this, the more these negative thoughts get to me.
I rest my head against Perrie's chest, exhausted by all the negativity, and feel her wrap her arms around me, whereupon I close my eyes wearily.
"Jade, what's wrong?" she asks me and I can hear her own insecurity, making me feel guilty again.
"Nothing, I'm just tired," I lie, but she knows me too well.
"What kind of crap have you been reading today?" she sees right through me.
"Nothing," I lie again.
"Jade," she says almost admonishingly, but I just can't talk about it. I know she would try to talk me out of all these thoughts, but I know I am right to worry.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say then as I sigh loudly and try to change the subject, "So what's the plan tomorrow?"
"What do you mean?" asks Leigh then.
"What time do we have to get up? What time do we have to get to the arena? What time is sound check? What's the plan after that?", I retort and see everyone looking at each other a bit puzzled.
"What? I'm back on tomorrow and no one is going to stop me," I quickly clarify.
"Jade," Perrie says again and I can just hear in her voice that she's displeased.
"No, I've rested enough and I feel good," I lie again, knowing full well that I'm far from feeling good and that's not going to change anytime soon. I sit back up to face Perrie now.
"I'm going to perform tomorrow, I have to perform," I say, almost pleading, but she doesn't really seem to understand my need.
"Why is that?" she then actually hangs her head in confusion and I manage not to answer.
"Jade, what's your problem?" she probes further, but I just shake my head, feeling the tears welling up and could curse myself for not even being able to stay strong.
"You're scared," Leigh then states sadly. "You read some shit about yourself today and you're scared of letting everyone down." I just nod, barely noticeable.
"I've already let everyone down anyway, I can't do this anymore. I have to perform tomorrow, don't you understand?", I then admit meekly.
"No one is disappointed," she says quickly and I just eye her incredulously. "And I don't want anything to happen to you," Perrie then breathes and our eyes meet and we both know how much more there is to her statement. I know I'm going to have a hard time convincing her that I need to get on stage tomorrow, so I decide to be honest: "If I have to be alone with my thoughts for one more day and watch you guys through social media, I'm really going to lose it."
And Perrie's expression changes immediately. She knows how dark my thoughts can get and how rarely I admit it. Seemingly exhausted from the discussion and knowing full well that she's lost this battle, she finally says, "Alright, it's not like I can make you stay here."
And I smile narrowly and gratefully at her, but this time she doesn't return it, instead she looks sadly to the ground.
"So, what's the schedule?", I then ask the other two to break the awkward silence.
"Tomorrow we can sleep a little longer, but we have a meet and greet in the morning, then we go to the sound check, dinner break, then make-up and hair and then it's already the show. Then we fly straight back to London, we even get a private jet because there was no good connection," she explains excitedly, which makes me smile again. Leigh and her love for luxury.
"Then we land in London in the evening, get to sleep at home and the next morning we start rehearsals for the Brits. We don't have much time for that though," she continues, suddenly getting nervous at the sheer thought of rehearsals and the Brits.
"So chill as ever," Jesy sums up with a laugh.
The schedule is tight, we knew that all along, but listing it out again like that immediately brings up panic and anxiety. The Brits are the most important event of the year, to be allowed to perform is always a great honour, even if we have always been treated badly by the committee in the last few years. Nothing can go wrong.
After a short while, when we all decide to go to sleep to be as fit as possible tomorrow and Perrie holds me tightly in her arms and I feel safer than I have all day, she says quietly: "By the way, I called your doctor in London and made an appointment for Monday." Immediately my heart stops and I tear my eyes open in fear.
"But we hardly have time to rehearse anyway!", I quickly argue. And that's part of the reason why I suddenly feel panic, but certainly not the only one. Even though it is absolutely stupid and I am well aware of that, I had hoped to be able to postpone this visit for a bit longer.
"I made our situation clear to her and she is opening her office earlier just for us. Sometimes there is something positive about being famous," she explains. "Then we go straight to the rehearsal."
But when she senses my nervousness, she just hugs me tighter. "We'll get through it all, babe." She presses another kiss to my cheek and I notice her falling asleep within a few minutes, while I lie wide awake for hours, trapped in my own mind, just staring at the ceiling.
After Perrie has been snoring softly next to me for a while, I give up. My thoughts just won't let me rest. I've always had trouble falling asleep as the only one of the four of us. At difficult times, my insomnia becomes more and more noticeable. It shouldn't surprise me, with all there is to brood about right now. And even though I feel physically miserable, I seem to have slept enough in the past few days. Frustrated, I make myself a cup of tea, hoping it would help me calm down, put a blanket around my shoulders and go out onto the large balcony to watch Vancoucer at night. Considering the fact that I already have pneumonia and seem to be much more susceptible to catch a cold thanks to the cancer, probably a very bad idea. But fresh, cold night air, the sounds of a living city and a hot cup of tea in my hand have always helped me to calm down. Here and there I am coughing a bit, which gets stronger the longer I stay out here, but I ignore it. While my thoughts today keep circling. I always come to the same conclusion. I'm disappointing everyone around me and that's not going to get better anytime soon. And I don't know how to deal with it, what to do, what to change. I don't want anyone to miss out on anything because of me, or for anyone to fall by the wayside.
And a thought also pops up more and more often the darker and gloomier my mood becomes.
What if I leave Little Mix? Because what will happen when the chemotherapy starts, which I won't be able to avoid? I've read about different treatment options, but what if I'm then locally bound to London? Or worse, if I really am physically unable to do anything? Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if I just wasn't there? If I wasn't a burden? But what about Perrie? She's already given up half her life for me and I'm sure she would stay with me without batting an eyelid if I couldn't travel. She would even leave the band if I'd had to. And I can't let that happen. For her alone, I have to somehow manage to pull myself together.
"What are you doing out here?" her tired voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I flinch in shock. Many times I have stood outside at night alone for myself, undisturbed, because the others have never had such problems with sleeping.
"God, you scared me," I say laughing nervously as I catch sight of Perrie's worried expression, at which I turn back to the city view.
"Babe, please come back inside, it's cold and you're already sick," she pleads with me but I just shake my head. "A few more minutes."
I know she doesn't understand, how could she, but still she nods and then leans on the railing with her hands as well, following my gaze into the distance.
"Talk to me," she says after a while. "What's going on in this head of yours?"
But I don't know how to explain it, I don't like talking about my feelings. For a while, before, I could at least open up to her. But since it hasn't been like that, I think I've closed myself off so much that I can't really do it now. Where do I even start? What thoughts can I reveal without her thinking I'm crazy? But then again it's Perrie. Would she ever think I am crazy? Would she ever judge me?
"Please trust me. I want you to be able to be honest like you used to be," she then says sincerely, I can see it in her eyes. Why is it so hard for me then?
"I...I can't put it into words...", I then stammer as I try to explain myself.
"Then show me," she suggests and I gape in confusion. "You said you spent too much time on your phone. What were you reading?"
I sigh loudly and reluctantly hand her my phone, which has all the negative comments as screenshots in my gallery. She takes her time, reading through everything carefully without saying a word as I continue to sip my tea uneasily.
"It's all complete bullshit," she finally says with a furrowed brow, but I can't even look at her. I knew she would react like this. But that doesn't change the fact that I take it as nothing but the truth.
"Hey, look at me," she says a little more briskly and touches me on the arm.
"You really believe that shit?" she picks up in shock.
"It's true," I admit meekly, because I really mean it.
"None of it is true!", Perrie almost shouts at me. I'm about to object when she beats me to it, "Jade, I love you. You weren't in the way of Alex and me, it was more like the other way around! You don't destroy a dream couple because we never were one!"
But why do I find it so hard to believe her? Why do these comments have such an effect on me that I doubt her veracity?
"Jade, I want you and only you. I want to be with you, I want to present you to the world as my girlfriend because I am proud of it. You are not destroying my life, you are making it better with every passing second. Please believe me and not some morons that hide on the internet," she says and my heart warms as she looks deep into my eyes. I believe her. Deep down, I do. But, when you read so much negativity, you start to think it must be true.
"I believe you," I say now. "It's just a lot," I then admit and her worried look only grows.
"But talk to me about it," she retorts and I suddenly feel so sorry that I didn't feel I could be honest with her before.
"Is that why you're suddenly having second thoughts about announcing our relationship publicly?" she then asks me quickly and again all I can do is look at the floor as I barely noticeably shake my head. "Keep reading," I prompt her she eyes me sceptically but then follows my lead.
I study her face for a few moments as she sees my mistakes from past shows and reads through the justified criticism from all sides, making her frown more and more.
"Jade..." she starts, but this time I beat her to it. "I suck," I say quickly and I mean it.
"Will you stop with that bullshit!" she says almost angrily. "That's what you think? We've been in a band for years, consisting of four equal members, and you believe some stupid fans you're suddenly the weakest link?"
"Look at the videos, I AM the weakest link!", I justify myself with tears in my eyes because I'm so disappointed in myself.
"No, most certainly not!" argues Perrie. "Jade, you are SICK! Just the fact that you were able to be on stage and pull off the show is a fucking miracle."
"But no one knows that!", I counter, avoiding her gaze because I can't bear to meet her stunned eyes.
"All I'm doing right now is dragging down the band and its success. All I'm doing is hurting us," I continue, wearily putting my hands to my temples. Perrie takes a step towards me and says carefully, "What can I do to make you stop believing this shit?"
But I just shake my head sadly. "When will you realise it's all true?"
"Never," she says quickly. "To me, you're the most versatile and creative singer I've ever met. The best dancer I know. The best songwriter I know," she declares, but I dodge again, which makes her stop, a little startled.
"So you think that because of you, we won't have the big success we want from this tour? And that's why you don't want us to come out?" she then concludes and I just manage to nod.
"So you're afraid that we'll definitely be dropped by the label and that no one will want to sign us anymore?" she probes further and again I can only nod.
"So the band and the career are more important to you than our relationship?" she then asks, to which I stare at her in shock, eyes wide.
"No, absolutely not," I clarify.
"Seems like it though," she continues and I can hardly believe it has come to this.
"I just don't want to be responsible for us going down as a band after working so hard for our success," I then explain, hoping fervently that she understands me. I can't read her face as she thinks. I don't know if she is angry, hurt or just disappointed. But when she suddenly embraces me, I don't know anything anymore, but I don't back away either. I allow it, I let her hold me.
When she breaks away from me to look me in the face, she says calmly, "We're nominated for two Brits this year. How about we wait and see how the Brits turn out? If it goes well for us, we'll make our relationship public, if not, we'll wait. Does that sound like a plan?"
I consider this for a moment. The Brits are hugely important and meaningful. It's an honour to be allowed to take part and perform at all. But two nominations for best single and also best group is big, very big. If we'd won even one award, we would have a total of three. That would of course open our doors, make us bigger and better known. Her plan makes sense. Without realising it, I seem to nod slowly, to which she grins over both ears.
"Fine, let's do it that way," she says, and I just can't find any more counter-arguments. And the thought of finally, after all this time, being able to call her my girlfriend in public is exciting for me too after all. She gives me a long kiss on the lips before hugging me tightly again.
"Can we go back inside now then? You're already cold," she then states, a little worried, and this time I let her lead me back to the suite, gladly lie down next to her in bed, let her hold me and actually manage to sleep peacefully for a few hours, despite everything going on. Insomnia: Meet my girlfriend.