Monday the 25th of November, 2019
01:12PM
"I think I'll have to sit down for this Marley" I mumbled to the dog, letting out a small laugh as I sat down on the couch. I kicked off my shoes and pulled them under me, I also grabbed a cushion and rested it on my lap before opening the journal.
14th of November, 1986
Dear my unborn daughter, we just found out
You were a surprise. Life tends to bundle the best moments that way, I'll tell you more about that later.
A tiny flutter on the surface, I could barely feel you after the first couple times, I inconveniently told your mother that I felt something. She sees right through me, you'll see that later too. I write this to you, embraced by the warmth of her as she looks over each picture of how we came to find out you exist, for more than a couple times
Your beautiful and I already love you. You'll get tired of hearing that, I'm sure. But I'm stubborn to a fault and I won't care how embarrassed you'll get. I'll stain your eyes with the beauty of life, starting with us. So that no matter when you catch your reflection, you'll see the colours of my heart painted onto your soul and so whenever anyone tries to hold your heart, they'll be warned that I was there first and I intend to find things as I left it, or else.
Look towards your mother and see the wonderful woman you can be. Be careful of the two birds in the bush because people have a tendency of blinking and missing the moments that could have changed everything. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith because you can't fall if there's a bottom, we'll always catch you, that's how you learn to fly.
Your mother taught me two important things in this world, sharing a toothbrush is gross land that to love fully, you have to love yourself completely because you can't give someone's home with rooms locked inside.
You have parents that love you. You have sisters that will fill you with laughter until you burst into tears. You have grandparents that will teach you about the difference between wisdom and knowledge, that love transcends languages, that god does exist and lives in you, and that impartial love has nothing to do with blood.
Love you for ever and always,
Your Dad,
I was one page in and I was already tearing up. Another diary entry that stuck out to me was my eleventh birthday. It was also the two year anniversary of my parents divorced. Since they got divorced I saw a lot less of my dad because I lived with my mum. But he always went out of his way and tried his hardest to see me and spend time with me.
18th of may 1998,
My dearest tulip,
You are eleven years old today and are about to embark upon the second ten years of a wonderful life
Ten years have passed since I first saw your dear face. Ten years. Ten years of loving you. Ten years of regarding you, of thinking of you, and of being with you at every opportunity possible to me. In those ten years you and I have shared the kind of love and companionship that I could not have shared with anyone else.
I am proud of you. Proud to be seen with you. Proud and happy while watching you swim, sing, and play tennis and in each of our activities together; the basketball games, the races, the broadway shows, the malls; Everything. Everywhere. I am admiring of you, and deeply affected by, your manner, your kindness, and each new accomplishment. I respect your quite loyalty to your sisters and each of your parents.
You may have noticed that most of the previous sentences begin with 'I'. Yet they could not begin with 'I' if it wasn't for 'you'. You are the dearest daughter a man could have. You have never caused a moments anguish or disappointment. Your quality's are of the best, and if you persist in those qualities throughout your life, you will enjoy ever-growing happiness, and by so doing, understand the happiness you bring to others who know you. Especially to me.
Love you for ever and always,
Your Dad,
The next few pages consisted of a mixture of diary entries, some were only a few lines long, others were pages long. Another one was,
21st of September 1998
My dear Tulip,
Never forget how much I love you. I hope you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you.
When life knocks you down I will always have your back.
I can't promise to be here for the rest of your life but I can promise you that I will always remain in your heart and give you strength when you struggle. Your only eleven years old but I can already see a spark in your eyes. A spark that you get when you do something you enjoy and your determined. I know every parent says this but I don't think your going to go far in life, I know your going to go far in life. Your the most determined, patient and stubborn person I've ever met and those are three things you need in order to succeed in life.
I don't know what you'll do when your older because pretty much everything you put your mind to you succeed. But it doesn't matter weather you have a high paying job or a low paying job, as long as your doing something that makes you happy. And you'll always have your family to fall back on no matter what happens. Just promise me something.
Never do a job that makes you unhappy, no matter how high paying it is. No amount of money is worth unhappiness.
Love you for ever and always,
Dad
I flicked through the next few pages. I'll look through them another time. But right now my mind was set on one pacific day. I was fifteen years old. I had spent the week with my dad because it was summer. But I was also a teenager at the time and I spent most of the week out with 'friends' was what I thought they were. Before I left my dads house to go back to mums however my dad brought me up on it, he told me to stop hanging around this boy I was constantly with, his name was Brian. We got into a big fight about it and in the end I just went home to mums. That was the last time I ever saw him because three days later mum kicked me out and then when I eventually saw my family again, dad had died.
It's always been the biggest mistake of my life and something I've never forgotten and never will and no matter how hard I try, I'll never forgive myself for it.
The closest diary entry to that day is the day after our fight. But it wasn't a page in the book. An old, crumpled up page was wedge into the book. It was still a diary entry just not in the book and this page was white, the diary pages were more yellow.
15th of August 2001
My dearest tulip,
Feelings.
Jesus. The truth is, for so long I'd forgotten what those even were. I was stuck in one place. In a cave, you might say. A deep, dark cave. And then I met your mother and you came into my life. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel again. I started to feel happy. But lately, I guess, I've been feeling distance from you. Like your pulling away from me or something. I miss playing board games every night, going to see the same broadway show for the hundredth time, watching games in the SoFi stadium, watching old movies together until we both doze off.
But I know your getting older, growing, changing. And I guess, if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I guess that's why I'm writing this, to try and maybe stop the change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's just not how life works. It's moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad. And sometimes it's surprising. Happy.
So you know what? Keep on growing up kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from them. When life hurts you, because it will, remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave. But please, if you don't mind, for the sake of your poor old dad, hang out with Brian at your mothers house.
Love you for ever and always,
Dad.
I sat on the couch, completely still. I read that stupid page over and over again.
He didn't hate me.
Once the tears started. They didn't stop. They just kept coming and coming until I didn't have the energy in my body to cry more. Marley sat down in front of me and rested his head on my knee. For once he wasn't running around barking. He was still.
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I'm not crying, your crying