Campus is always pretty busy on Monday's. Students running to class, studying on Norlin quad or playing spike ball on Farrand Field. The number of students on campus dwindles significantly as the week goes on, especially after Thursday nights when most people are too hungover to go to class Friday morning. But not today, in fact, my economics lecture was so crowded this morning, Lars and I barely got seats.
And the swarm leaving the building when class ends, is almost overwhelming, people shoving their ear buds back in and shouldering their way through the crowd.
"I love fall here," Lars muses next to me as we walk out the doors of Eaton Humanities and step into the pleasant midday air. It's not too cold yet, which means I'm only wearing jeans and a large black sweatshirt. I nod, sliding my other arm through the strap of my backpack as we cross the quad.
"I'm looking forward to the snow," I agree. "And snowboarding season."
"Oh dude," Lars nods, finishing the rest of his iced coffee before tossing it in a trashcan as we stroll towards the library for some studying before I have practice and he has his next class. "Same, I'm thinking I'm gonna get the Icon pass. What about you?"
"Probably the same," I reply. "We should check with everyone else though and make sure we get the same passes, that way we can go on another ski trip this year."
I think of our trips in the past, which had become a bit of a tradition ever since we went and stayed in Vail together our freshmen year. Tristan's parents share a condo up there with their extended family, so we always have a place to stay if it's not already spoken for by his younger cousins.
"Good idea," he nods as we open the door to Norlin Library and head inside. We're just passing through the double doors into the quiet study area when I hear hurried footsteps, glancing to my right where I see a flash of blonde hair.
I realize it's Jourdan just as she passes us, large sunglasses over her eyes as she rushes down the stairs in the entry way and steps quickly to the entrance. She clearly doesn't see us, seeming to be distracted and in a hurry, so I barely have time to wave to her before she's out the doors. I shake my head, stopping mid-hand raise as we keep walking into the study area.
"What was that?" Lars asks, voice lowered and I shrug.
"Just saw Jourdan," I tell him. "But she didn't see us, seemed like she had somewhere to be."
"Oh," he nods, and then we both spot an empty table, which he points to as we walk towards it. I set my backpack down then, pulling out my laptop and notebook before getting to work on the homework we were just assigned in my economics class. Lars does the same, both of us knowing that with everyone else around us either studying, reading, or in the case of the obvious frat dude a couple seats from us, taking a well-deserved nap, we had to keep quiet and not chat.
I skim my notes then, pulling up the online workbook we fill out for the class and work for the next twenty minutes without interruption. My mind wanders a bit, unable to help thinking about Jourdan and then wondering where she'd been rushing off to. She'd been on my mind a lot recently, and this along with that feeling I still get in my chest whenever she's around is confusing me.
When we first met I just thought she was hot and wanted to hookup with her. When it was clear that was never going to happen, both due to her disdain for me and her boyfriend, my thoughts turned to other women as I quickly realized the power I seemed to wield being on the basketball team.
I'd never committed to any single woman I casually dated in college. Sure, I wasn't as bad as Wyatt, but I definitely never sought out anything serious. Then, I didn't see the point, not while I'm young and supposed to be figuring my life out. But theses days I've been getting the strange sense that I'm waiting for something else. Though I don't know what yet.
If anything, being a bachelor all this time, has given me the opportunity to learn a few things that I didn't know in high school, and means I can freely get to know Jourdan now without someone else getting in the way. Thinking with my brain instead of my dick, as hard as it's been - literally, has actually been nice.
I enjoy Jourdan's company.
This past weekend for example, when we spent Sunday together with everyone else, smoking joints and hammocking at Chataqua park was the easiest, most platonic time I'd ever spent with a girl. Like she might be a close friend who I've grown up with.
It's odd for me to balance these two things and try to figure out what she means to me. On the one hand, she's gorgeous, smart, funny and I don't think I'll ever not be physically attracted to her. But on the other, she's also caring and sincere with me now, like a real friend would be, which makes it even more of a mind fuck.
I realize then that I'm just staring at my laptop, and haven't done any work in a couple minutes. I clear my throat, trying to shake myself out of it as Lars glances up at me.
"You good bro?" He asks and I nod.
"Yeah," I say quietly. "Just got distracted, that's all."
"Oh shit," Lars eyes widen then, looking at something over my shoulder that I can't see. I turn just in time for Penelope to reach us, her bleached hair glinting against the florescent lights above us. She's dressed in jeans and a low cut top, smiling at me as she sits in the free seat at our table.
"Hey handsome," she says softly, running her hand up my arm and I swallow hard.
"What's up?" I ask, glancing at Lars who just shakes his head.
"I am insignificant here," he grunts. "So, I'm gonna go get another coffee from the Laughing Goat. You want anything?"
He directs the question to me and I just shake my head.
"I'll take an iced chai latte since you're going down there," Penelope adds, smiling at him. "I can Venmo you, I was actually headed that way before I saw you two and decided to say 'hi'."
"Oh," Lars pauses as he stands, taking a breath. "Sure yeah, but don't worry about it, it's on me."
Then he strolls off, phone and wallet in hand, but not before passing me another wide eyed look that I ignore. I know she irritates him, and her assumption of asking him to grab her a drink probably just pissed him off. He's held a grudge since she broke that scone plate that his grandma gave him.
"So," she sighs, tilting her head to the side as she leans it against one hand, both her elbows on the table. "Where have you been? I was hoping you'd call me after last time."
"Sorry," I mutter gruffly, turning back to my laptop to click a couple answers on the next questions before I glance at her again. "Practice has been insane lately, and my course load really picked up."
"It's okay," Penelope says, still keeping her voice low. "But have you given any more thought to what we talked about last time? About how things between us should get more serious now."
I deadpan at her, a bit shocked she's still asking me for a relationship when I've repeatedly told her 'no'. But I guess it's like Lars and Justin said the other day, I am surprisingly naïve when it comes to Penelope Bradish.
"Look," I start, taking a breath as I shut my laptop. Clearly I won't be getting much more work done right now. "I don't want a relationship Penelope. I enjoy this casual thing between us, I think it works well, but if it doesn't work for you anymore. Then we should probably stop seeing each other."
She stares at me, her blue eyes wide and a bit hurt. I feel a pang of guilt then, but still, it needed to be said. I'm just proud of myself for finally saying that maybe we've reached our expiration date. She takes a long breath, glancing away from me and running a hand through her hair. It looks shorter than the last time I saw her, and even more blonde. It's almost white now.
"Casual is okay for me too." she says after a moment, looking back at me now with renewed determination in her expression. Justin's words echo in my head then, wondering if she's just saying that.
"Are you sure?" I check and she nods immediately. "Because it doesn't sound like that's what you want. And I don't want to keep leading you on."
"You're not leading me on," she interjects. "It's like you said, we enjoy each other's company."
"No I said-" I try to correct her, but she shakes her head, plowing onward.
"Besides, a lot can change in a year." She smiles and I frown, feeling a bit confused. Just when I thought I'd made progress, I'm back to square one. "Anyways, I have to get to class, but will you text me tonight? If this is staying casual for now, then a woman's got needs and I know you can fulfill them."
"We'll see," I offer slowly, narrowing my eyes as she laughs. "I have practice tonight and I might be pretty tired."
"Okay," she shrugs, before standing. "Well, don't be a stranger. I miss you and what you can do with your hands."
She's says the last part quieter, leaning down to whisper in my ear before pressing a wet kiss to my cheek and scurrying away. I cringe a bit, wiping my hand over my face and groaning when I see pink lipstick there. I open the front camera on my phone, turning my head so I can see my cheek while I rub away the stain there from her lips.
Just then Lars returns, and I look up at him, his expression confused as he raises his hands, one with an iced coffee and the other with a chai latte, gesturing.
"Where'd she go?" He asks and I shrug.
"She had class," I mutter and he rolls his eyes, sitting down heavily in his seat and lightly slamming the drinks down on the table.
"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this then?" He pushes at the iced chai and I chuckle.
"Keep your pants on," I scold him. "I'll drink it I guess."
"You have got to cut that shit off bro," he tells me, shaking his head before turning back to his work. "She makes all of our lives harder."
"That's a bit dramatic." I say and he rolls his eyes now.
"Okay, fine," he grumbles, looking at me again. "But, come on, you've got to stop leading her on."
"I just tried," I say indignantly, my voice raising slightly. "But she- I don't know, she confuses me and then we still make plans to maybe hookup later, so I have no fucking clue what to do."
"Find someone else." Lars says through gritted teeth. And I just shake my head, opening my lap top again before taking a sip of the chai latte that had been intended for Penelope. There isn't anyone else right now. Or at least, no one else that I'm interested in and who feels the same way about me.
~
Practice ends late tonight, leaving Andrew and I dragging our feet up the stairs to our apartment at nearly eight thirty. I'm personally ready for a hot shower and then bed but when we enter the apartment, I am surprised to hear familiar voices echoing from the living room.
I knew Andee was coming over tonight to hang out with Tristan, but I feel a sense of eagerness prick inside me when I realize Jourdan is here too. She's sitting on one of the couches in our living room, giggling with Justin while the two of them smoke with the tv blaring in the background. Tristan and Andee are sitting on top of one another on a couch across the living room, whispering something and laughing together.
"Well, this is a cozy sight." Andrew jokes and everyone looks up, grinning when they see us.
"Just in time!" Justin cheers. "We were about to watch a movie."
"Did you just get done shooting some hoops?" Jourdan's voice is playful tonight as she addresses me, sitting up and arching her back as she raises an eyebrow at me. She's dressed in high waisted jeans and a light pink tank top with thin spaghetti straps. The way she sits it's almost like she wants me to notice she's not wearing a bra with that top.
"Yeah, went pretty well too." I shrug, unable to resist the change to brag to her, even though I know she's told me that 'athletes just don't do it for her'. "Coach says I've definitely got a shot at the NBA."
"That's exciting." Tristan comments, nodding at me and I grin.
It is exciting. It's the one thing I've been working for my entire life and as much as people like to pretend that I glide around on a cloud of shameless talent I've worked hard to get where I am today.
"Congrats." Jourdan says, smiling at me and I smirk.
"Thanks."
The way she looks at me recently confuses me too. Ever since the night she stripped down to her underwear in front of me there's something different. Well, obviously, whether she knows it or not, not only has she been on my mind but I haven't been able to stop thinking about her standing in front of me in that sexy ass black thong.
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fucked my fist in the shower the next day after she went home. I was hard enough when I woke up with her body curled against mine. And it was even more painful that she seemed to be completely unaffected by the entire thing.
But then there's moments like this one, when I wonder whether she's been thinking about me too. If maybe she's more attracted to me than she lets on.
"I'm gonna go shower, then I'm definitely down for a movie." Says Andrew and I nod.
"Same." I motion to the stairs and then we bow out as Justin lights another blunt, passing it to Jourdan who lets the smoke filter out of her lips in a way that makes me want to kiss her. I shake my head, walking towards the stairs and starting to march up them.
I'm halfway to my room when Andrew calls to me.
"What?" I ask, turning slightly and Andrew jogs to me slowly.
"Yo," He smirks. "Did something happen?"
"Huh?" I pretend to be confused and he laughs, shaking his head.
"Don't be an idiot," He insists. "Did you and Jourdan, ya know, did something happen between you two?"
I pause, thinking carefully before I answer. I didn't know what to say mostly because I'm not really sure there is anything to tell.
"I, um, I don't know." I admit slowly, shaking my head now and he raises an eyebrow.
"What's that mean?"
"I mean something did happen," I tell him, and his eyes widen. "Nothing really physical but she did let us sleep together in the same bed among other things."
"Oh," Andrew scoffs. "So, nothing has really happened then. Unless, what are trying to say with the whole 'among other things' comment?"
I shake my head instantly, trying to make it clear with a cold stare that I'm not going to tell him. It feels juvenile and also like I'd be betraying Jourdan's trust. What's more, I've never even hesitated to tell the guys every detail of my sex life when asked; and now I'm hesitating to tell Andrew that I saw Jourdan in her underwear, with her permission, and that the image has been burned in my mind ever since?
"Fine, you don't have to say, but clearly you are bothered by whatever happened then." He says finally and I shrug. "Why?"
"That's the thing, I'm not sure because she is completely unbothered by it," I confess. "I mean, she just hasn't mentioned it."
"Maybe that's a good thing?" Andrew shrugs. "If she's not saying anything it could be better in the long run. Just stay friends and pretend nothing happened."
"I guess." I mutter, turning back towards my room and walking to the door.
"If you do want something to happen though," Andrew pauses, and I look over my shoulder as I open my door. "I'd suggest taking this one seriously; she doesn't deserve to be played like all the other girls."
I nod wordlessly, knowing he's right and honestly shocked he picked up on whatever is running through my head before even I realized. I still don't really know what he's talking about. Jourdan and I agreed to be friends at the end of the day, I figure it'll take some getting used to, but I can do it.
Once I'm out of the shower and dressed in a clean pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, I head back downstairs. There I am surprised to find Jourdan alone, curled up under a thick grey blanket, eyes narrowed at the tv. When I step into the living room, I recognize The Hangover and grin.
"Good movie." I say and she smiles when she sees me, sitting up and turning the volume down slightly.
"I forgot how funny it is." She murmurs, leaning back against the couch cushions as I sit down next to her.
"Where is everyone else?" I ask and she bites her lip.
"Tristan and Andee went to his room and Justin is making some popcorn." She says. "Andrew is still in his room I think."
"Hmm," I nod, glancing at the table and the bong sitting in front of us. "I actually saw you on campus today."
"Really?" she asks, eyes bright as she smiles at me. "Why didn't you say 'hi'"?
"It was in the library," I explain. "And you rushed off so fast I didn't really get a chance. I figured you were late for class or something."
"Oh," her smile fades, almost like she'd just remembered something uncomfortable. "Yeah, no, I wasn't late for anything but I had to get out of there."
"Did something happen?" I ask and she makes a face before nodding her head side to side.
"Nothing I shouldn't be used to by now," she mutters, tucking her long blonde hair behind her ears. "People are just rude and it pisses me off."
"Who was rude to you?" I pry, feeling a spark of concern. "If you tell me what they look like I bet I could track 'em doing and teach them a lesson."
"No," she laughs a bit, shaking her head before glancing away from me, something in her expression telling me that whatever happened today had been upsetting at the very least. I don't like that look on her face. I want to help her, but I'm not sure how to. "No, that's okay. It's just, it's bullshit really, not worth mentioning."
"You can mention it to me," I say softly, giving her knees a gentle nudge with my elbow and she looks at me again, her eyes wide. "It's like I told you on our double date, you can just talk and I'll listen. Or you can not talk. Either way is fine with me."
She pauses, hesitating while she watches me carefully, before taking a deep breath.
"Well, do you remember that article in the Daily Camera?" she asks and I shake my head, not sure which she's referring to. I'd never been a huge fan of the news outlet personally. But then again, I'm not a huge fan of news outlets in general. In my opinion most news these days usually intentionally sensationalist and upsetting.
"There was an article about Miles' death," she continues with a shaky breath, sitting up a bit farther and pulling the blanket up around her shoulders. "I mean, it wasn't just about him, it was about drug culture on college campuses, peer pressure, and choosing your friends wisely. Basically it treated his death as a cautionary tale and it implied that I-"
She pauses again, chewing on her bottom lip before plowing onward.
"That I could've done more," she whispers. "To prevent him from overdosing or that I encouraged his drug use or, I don't know, basically just that there's a lot people don't know because I was there that night and I've never given my story to any fucking news source."
"Shit," I mutter, realization striking as I recall reading something about it on social media now. At the very least BarStoolBuffs probably posted about it. Miles' death ended up being more public than I think Jourdan or his family ever wanted it to be. "Yeah, I think I remember that now."
"Anyways, since that article came out," she tells me. "People, students especially, will come up to me and say something dumb. Or tell me they're so sorry about what happened. Or something along those lines. And today when I was standing in line at the Laughing Goat I heard some girls whispering about me behind me and then the cashier mouthed off to me."
"What'd he look like?" I ask instantly, wanting to protect her and follow through on my promise to teach that idiot a lesson.
"Ryder," Jourdan laughs softly, shaking her head and I grin. "I didn't tell you so that you'd do anything about it."
"I know," I say, taking a breath. "I just don't like seeing you like this."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, just, obviously that shit upset you," I tell her gently and she nods. "I don't like any of my friends to be upset."
"Right," she nods and we both smile at each other.
"So," I say, wanting to lift the mood. "Did anything good happen today?"
"Hmm," she takes a moment, thinking before she continues. "Not really good, but more interesting I would say."
"Interesting?" I question and she nods.
"There's this guy," She starts, and I suddenly feel a hard lump in the back of my throat. It makes it difficult to swallow for a second and throws me off. "Emerson. He asked me to get coffee."
"Did you say yes?" I ask, keeping a straight face, and she raises an eyebrow.
"I did." She surprises me and I narrow my eyes. I guess we really are just friends. Maybe I will text Penelope tonight. I'd been so busy these past couple weeks, I'd barely had time for sex, I'm probably just pent up. Which might explain why I've been so confused about Jourdan recently. If I didn't get this out of my system soon though, I'd be in for a world of hurt.
"Good." I grin. "I think that'll be good for you."
"Ahh, perfect timing Ryder." Justin is suddenly wriggling in between us with a bowl of freshly popped popcorn in his lap. "Popcorn?"
"No thanks." I mutter, pulling my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket and opening the messages app. Justin insists on turning the movie back up then and Andrew comes downstairs, stretching out on the empty couch across from us.
We all talk throughout the movie and I text Penelope, who agrees to come over once everyone has gone home. We finish the first movie and end up starting some crime show that Andrew thought looked interesting. Eventually Andee comes out of Tristan's room, announcing her Uber was coming since it is getting late, and she has work early.
"I'll come with you then." Jourdan says, standing and stretching her arms above her head.
"What time is it anyways?" Justin asks and I glance at my phone.
"Eleven thirty." I say and he nods to himself, rubbing a hand over his eyes.
"See you all this weekend though?" Andee points at all of us and I glance at Tristan and Andrew, feeling confused.
"This weekend?" I mutter and Jourdan giggles.
"Halloween Ryder." She shakes her head, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at me from across the room.
"Oh." I nod. I'd nearly forgotten.
"We're all going out, so, don't make any plans." Andee insists and I just chuckle, laying back against the cushions again. Then they leave, just in time to catch their Uber and for Penelope's to arrive without running into one another.
Luckily by that time too, Justin and Andrew had both gone upstairs to bed. I let Penelope in, shushing her as she squeals and wraps her arms around me.
"I'm so glad you texted." She whispers, pressing her trim body against me and kissing my neck.
"Me too." I mumble, picking her up and carrying her upstairs. She giggles, curling her legs around me and rocking her hips already. Once we're in my room, I lock the door and throw her down in my bed.
We're naked in seconds, my head finding it's way between her legs as I pull her panties to the side, sucking at her clit until she's yanking at my hair and screeching like she's in an old fashioned porno. The second I feel her arousal on my tongue, I rise off her, watching her body shiver below me and appreciating the ease with which I can bring a woman to orgasm these days.
I know she isn't faking it either. A lot of guys might not notice the difference, but the signs are there if you're skilled enough to see them. It's not so much how vocal she is, it's the way her body responds and shakes.
My head arches down, my teeth pulling at her nipples, massaging her small tits around with my hands and enjoying the way she sighs.
"You're so good at this," she breathes, voice airy. "I haven't had an orgasm like that since- I don't even know when."
"Since the last time we hooked up." I reply cockily, smirking against her right breast and we both laugh. Her hands run down my chest, sliding to my dick which she palms roughly. I hiss, biting at her skin when her thumb pushes against the swollen head.
Soon I've got a condom on, pealing her hot pink panties off, and letting them crumple on my floor to find later. She's moaning in my ear as I enter her, acrylic nails scratching down my back and chest, no doubt leaving marks that'll be there for at least a week. I close my eyes, locking my arms above her head, as I angle our hips together and pound into her until I'm thinking of someone else.
If it were her, if it were the girl, I know I want, then I'd be finished in seconds.
"Ryder," I hear her voice in Penelope's. "Uh, yes, fuck me."
Then I'm cuming, my hands balling up the sheets tightly and thrusting one last time as she shivers gently again. I brace myself, groaning as I spill into the condom, some of the tension that'd been gathering in my spine this week releasing.
I imagine her shaking beneath me, her hips flexing against mine, her soft voice whimpering in my ear and I thrust slowly a few more times. My body draining itself as I picture the pink paradise between her legs that'd been hidden by that black thong the other night.
Jourdan.
Fuck, I think to myself. What the hell is that about?
I don't even want to begin to think about it. But . . .
"What the fuck?"
I suddenly come back into the real world where I've rolled off Penelope, collapsed on my still made bed, staring at the ceiling. Only now, she's sitting up, steel blue eyes shooting daggers at me.
"What?" I throw back at her and she narrows her eyes.
"You just said another girls name." She shrieks. "Jourdan?!"
"Wait –" I start but it's too late as my mouth goes dry when I realize I must have said her name out loud before and I didn't even realize it. God fucking damn it.
"You are such a dick." She hisses, launching herself off the bed and grabbing her underwear. Once she's got her clothes on again, she turns to me, arms crossed and expression murderous.
"I'm sorry." I shake my head, sitting up and pulling my sweatpants back up, along with my briefs. I tie a knot in the end of the condom, getting up and moving across the room to throw it out.
"I am going home." She says firmly. "I am so sick of you not committing to me. And now you're, what? Using me because you can't get off with someone else?"
"I – I, look, it's not that simple." I mutter, looking down at my hard wood floors, really wishing she'd leave, and this conversation would end.
I didn't want to discuss it. I didn't want to have to go over why that happened. I couldn't explain it to her, let alone myself.
"Whatever." She purses her lips. "I just hope you know I will not be losing to some whore that you think is special."
"That's unfair." I shake my head at her, and she holds up a middle finger.
"Figure out whatever that was and then call me when you're ready." She commands, like she truly believes I'll do what she says.
"Penelope." I start and she turns, grabbing her purse off my desk. She whips the bedroom door open, slamming it shut and then moments later I hear the deafening bang of our front door.
I shake my head. Well, so much for getting it out of my system.
If anything, that just made things ten times worse.
* * *