The funeral was to be held at the Stark's lake house. A place Peter had never been. After the battle, those who needed medical attention either received it on site or were hospitalized at a secure facility that had been set up specifically for the Avengers.
Pepper was nowhere to be seen, Peter thought maybe she had already left, and everyone else pretty much left Peter on his own. He stayed out of the way, in a small corner for most of the night. When Dr. Strange finally got around to him, he told him off for not coming forward to have his injuries treated. He continued to grumble the whole time he patched Peter up, but he didn't notice. Honestly, he hadn't even felt the pain. That's part of the reason he had hidden himself in the corner. Once Dr. Strange was done, he continued to sit on a bed and stare into space long after the doctor had retreated. He's sure he looked a mess, but Peter couldn't be bothered to care. It could have been minutes or hours later when he felt Happy enter the room and walk up to him.
"Hey kid, Dr. Strange told me you were here and that he fixed you up. You're good to go. I'll take you home." Even Happy, who had warmed to Peter significantly since Germany, sounded tired and somewhat hollow.
"Home?" Peter croaked. It's the first thing he had said since he told Mr. Stark they had done it, they had won. As far as he knew, he didn't have a home. He didn't even know if May had dusted or not.
"Yeah kid. Tony kept up with your apartment. You and May both dusted, but he always hoped... he figured you'd want a place to live when you came back so..." Happy trailed off.
"Oh" was all Peter could manage in response. Happy seemed to understand far more than just what Peter had managed to choke out. The way he looked at Peter, like he had seen this same grief before, told him so.
Together, slowly, they made their way out of the medical ward and to the car Happy had brought to drive Peter home. On the car ride Happy told Peter about Morgan and the cabin, about all of the things that had happened to them in the 5 years he had been gone. When they got to his building, Happy turned the car off and sat for a few minutes before he started talking quietly.
"God kid. I'm sorry. When you and Tony disappeared five years ago, we all thought you had died. Maybe both of you had dusted, maybe space killed you - we didn't know. But we had started to accept that we'd never see you again. And then, out of nowhere, Captain Marvel brought a spaceship home and for the first time since we lost to Thanos, we had hope we were wrong. Tony looked like shit when he stumbled off of the spaceship but he was alive. I remember Steve running to meet him and there being a palpable relief that he was alive. But then I noticed that Tony was alone. And everything was so quiet. I knew."
Here Happy had stopped talking. Peter still didn't say anything, but Happy seemed to know he was listening.
"I knew. God I knew. And then I saw Tony's face. The grief, the pain, I saw was exactly what I saw on your face tonight kid. I thought, I hoped, I'd never have to see that again. Tony managed to tell Steve "I lost the kid," but he didn't understand. Steve never understood. But I did kid. I physically felt ill, and watching what that same pain did to Tony hurt."
Again, Happy stopped talking, but this time it seemed to Peter that he was waiting on something. So he turned his head away from the window, where he had been staring into space as he listened, to look at Happy's face. He was crying.
"Tony lost a lot of people in his life kid. And there were very few he truly cared about. But that day, hearing him barely able to whisper that he had lost you, that's something I will never forget. He was a wreck Peter. And he was angry. So angry at himself, at the world, at Steve. He lost his kid. I know Tony didn't do heart-to-hearts and I know he didn't always express himself well, but he loved you kid. He saw you as his kid, in every way that mattered. Losing you just about destroyed him. The Tony Stark that came back from Titan was not the one I had known our whole lives. He was different."
Peter was crying too at this point, silently, tears dripping down his face. Happy was still crying, but he took a deep breath and continued.
"A few weeks after he got back, Tony still wasn't getting better. He wasn't talking anymore, once he had finished yelling. We couldn't get him to eat or even talk about what happened. We didn't know. Still don't. He never spoke about Titan, and after he said he lost you, he quit speaking about you too. We were all worried, especially Rhodey and Pepper. Finally, she told him she was pregnant. That was the only thing any of us, including Steve, had said to him in days that seemed to register. But his reaction surprised us. He told Pepper he didn't want kids anymore. That he couldn't do it. After that, he locked us out of his room completely for 3 days. Pepper was a wreck. But then, after those 3 days, he came out and apologized. He told Pepper that he was hurting and he didn't mean he didn't want their baby. She understood and I did too."
Happy stopped again, and Peter finally managed to say, "it wasn't his fault."
Happy gave him a small smile, but said all the same "I know kid."
For a few moments there was nothing in the car but silence, until Happy continued.
"After that, Tony got better. But he still didn't talk about you, or Titan. It was too painful. And there would be moments - especially late at night - that I could see the same pain and grief he had on his face when he got off that spaceship. That never went away for him. But he never said anything. Not to me, not to Rhodey, and not to Pepper. After a few weeks, Steve left and then Tony and Pepper moved out of the Avengers compound. We knew that he was hurting and that he thought about you a lot. We also knew he felt like it was his fault, but he never talked to us so we didn't try to pry it out of him or get him to talk about it. He suffered alone."
Here Happy stopped and made sure Peter was looking at him again before finishing.
"Please don't do that too kid. I know you're hurting. We all do. We all are, but I know it's different. And it's lonelier. After Siberia, you and Tony were together more than either of you were with us. You miss him. But none of us can truly understand how much. And I'm sorry for that. But please, please Peter, don't try to shoulder this alone. Let us be here for you."
Peter had said nothing, but he nodded and then looked back out of the window. Happy didn't say anything else, just sighed and then got out of the car to help Peter up to his apartment. He knew he could probably manage on his own, but he'd take whatever comfort having Happy nearby offered.
Peter hadn't listened. Happy had dropped him off a week ago, he thinks but can't be sure, and he hadn't reached out to Happy or Pepper since. He knew he would see them today and they may be concerned, but he couldn't bring himself to talk about Mr. Stark, Tony, or his own grief and guilt. May had tried a couple of times, but he never said anything. Even when the nightmares would trigger violent panic attacks or distress him to the point he threw up, he never explained what they were about. He knew it wasn't healthy and he knew something would have to change. But he couldn't bring himself to talk about it, that would make it even more real.
Quietly he followed May out of the apartment and down the stairs to the car Happy was picking them up in. No one said anything the entire ride to the cabin, the silence was only broken once they arrived. Happy pulled Peter aside while May continued towards the house.
"How are you kid?"
Peter didn't want to answer, and to an extent felt that any answer he gave would either be an outright lie or entirely too simple to encompass everything he was feeling at the moment. Everything he had been feeling since walking through that portal to learn five years had passed. Since he watched, heard Mr. Stark die. Happy, however, wasn't going to let him go without answering.
"We don't have to go in right away. We can stay here for a few moments. I've been worried about you kid. I haven't heard anything from you and May won't give me any real answers when I ask how you are."
Peter made a small, non-committal humming noise while he tried to get his bearings. Looking around, taking in the lake, the woods and the calm Peter found himself saying,
"It's beautiful here."
But it was more than that. It was quiet and Peter had grown to hate the quiet. Just like Happy had that night he drove him home, he seemed to read Peter better than Peter had given him credit for in the past.
"Yeah it is," Happy responded. "Tony liked the seclusion I think. He needed the peace after..." Happy trailed off.
"Did he find it?" Peter found himself asking.
"Here? I don't think he did kid. He was living and he was content I think, but he wasn't at peace."
The not without you wasn't said, but it was an implied, tangible thing in the air. The more he took in the oppressive silence, the less sure Peter became that he could actually do this.
"Everyone's here," Happy said quietly. Peter wasn't surprised, he figured everyone would be. They knew Tony longer than he did after all - longer, maybe but Peter was certain no one knew Tony Stark better than he did. Except for maybe Happy or Pepper, but after Happy's conversation with him dropping him off after the battle, Peter thought he may have even understood Tony on a level they didn't - on a level they couldn't.
Realizing he had been silent almost the entire time and that Happy seemed to be waiting for some kind of response, Peter gave a jerky nod before swallowing down the bile and rage that had suddenly filled his throat.
"I knew they would be. It makes sense. But I wasn't prepared for it. I can't act like everything after Germany, after Siberia didn't happen. I didn't have five years to come to terms with it - or ignore it - like everyone else. Most of my nightmares are about the battle, or Titan, but some nights when I am so exhausted I can't even fight them off, I see Mr. Stark in his crushed suit, covered in blood in Siberia and I wake up so full of rage. Rage at Captain Rogers, rage at the Avengers, at the world. They left him there to die Happy."
Peter realizes when he is finished speaking that he is breathing harshly and that his fists are clenched so tight that his nails are digging into his palms so severely that he's sure he will find blood in his palm even long after the wounds closed.
He also is startled to realize that is the most he has vocalized his feelings since the battle. Happy seems a little surprised Peter had said so much, but doesn't seem all that surprised by what Peter said.
"I was angry too. So was Tony. Even though he let go of his anger and his resentment, I'm not sure he ever fully forgave Steve for everything. He didn't talk about it after you either. He didn't really talk about anything other than Pepper, the company and eventually Morgan."
Here Happy paused but Peter could tell he wasn't done, just gathering his thoughts for what he was going to say next. So, he cast his eyes toward the forest that surrounded them and waited for Happy to speak again.
"I wasn't on Titan. And I wasn't in the battle - the one in Wakanda or the final one at the compound. I don't have those memories to haunt me. Sometimes my mind will make up what I think may have or could have happened and those haunt my nightmares, but often I see Siberia too kid. I remember how sick and insistent you were in Germany, telling me something was wrong and we needed to go. Tony needed us. And then I remember getting there and hearing the silence, seeing the snow and following you when you took off before hearing the panic in your voice when you found him. Then I remember finding him - finding you there, tears on your face trying to figure out what to do. Seeing him like that was terrible Peter, but seeing you - a 14 year old kid - caught between panicking and taking control of the situation haunts me the same as Tony's body and suit in the snow."
Peter is clenching his jaw so tight it hurts and he wonders if Happy can hear it.
"I've been worried about you Peter. I've been here with Pepper and Morgan and we have been grieving. But I've missed you and I've wondered how you've been and if there was anything I could do... I know there's not, not really. But, god Peter... after Siberia, when Tony would lock everyone out of his lab, not eat, not sleep, not talk - it was you Rhodey, Pepper or I called. It was you who could get into the lab, who would talk to him, be there with him. You helped Tony heal. And all I can think about is that now no one can return the favor because you understood Tony in a way we didn't - couldn't - and now we are facing the same helpless feeling, but we don't have someone to send in to help reach you. I know I can't understand Peter. And you don't need to talk, but maybe I can help show you you're not alone. Your pain is different, but we are all in pain."
Here Happy stopped talking and took another deep breath. He took a step forward and Peter, expecting a hug, flinched back. Happy stopped moving, just raised his arm and put his hand on Peter's shoulder.
"Come in when you're ready kid," he said before taking his hand away and walking towards the house. When he was far enough away to be out of earshot Peter took a harsh breath in through his nose and attempted to simultaneously stop himself from throwing up or having a panic attack. There were too many things happening inside him: the rage in his gut, the bile in his throat, and the pain in his chest were making it hard to breathe.
Peter had only briefly seen the Avengers during the fight, and he'd spoken to none of them. Even after, he saw many of them come in to get treated but he made sure to stay as out of the way and hidden as possible. He didn't want to speak to anyone and no one spoke to him.
He knew he couldn't stay out here forever and that sooner or later either he would need to go in or someone would come out looking for him so they could start the service, but getting his feet to move felt impossible. Peter could hear the voices drifting down from the house, but he didn't have the energy or the focus to try to understand what they were saying.
One foot in front of the other. Breathe. One foot in front of the other.
Coaching himself to walk up to the house on the lake that Tony had meant to grow old with his family in was somehow far more difficult for Peter than lifting Toomes's cement warehouse off of himself years ago. Today, here, there was no Spider-Man. There was only Peter Parker, preparing to say goodbye to the only person that had truly understood every piece of his life. Today, there was just Peter struggling to keep himself together.