Amanda
*
In those years we were apart, I had a few times let myself, cruelly, envision seeing Finn again. Not often, and mostly in the first few months. I had imagined there to be some sort of spark in the air, pulling us together, but this situation was different. There was certainly some type of energy in the air now, but a type I could not have seen coming- hostility.
The iciness of his gaze was painful. I couldn't bring myself to meet it, but he was stubborn with his comments and prodding questions. And the fact that he wouldn't stop staring at me was nudging me closer to the edge. The moment he appeared, I wanted to be anywhere but here, but I felt cornered like an animal. Dominic's presence didn't make things any easier. His exchange with Finn tried to disguise as amicable, but I knew there was more to it. Finn wasn't haughty with just anybody, but I was too anxious about my situation to care more about theirs.
"Allergy? Do you two know each other?" Dominic asked as the waiter departed with the plate.
I suddenly lost interest in mine too, settling on downing the rest of my glass in one go. I shot up from my seat and felt both men's attention on me. "I need to use the restroom," I barely got out before I grabbed my purse and left the table, desperate to get as far away from Finn as possible.
I rushed past Elliot and Natalie's table on my way out, thought I heard someone call my name, but kept walking. I wrung my hands nervously, blocking out everything. God, I was so stupid. His fucking allergy? I didn't know when the words came out of my mouth, or that the memory was so prevalent it leapt out at the slightest chance it got. And the look of shock on his face? I couldn't get it out of my head.
I got into a stall in the restroom, shut the toilet lid close and sat on it. I held my face in my hands and heaved. There was stinging behind my eyes- telltale signs of an impending outburst of tears- but I fought to keep them at bay. Of what use would it be if I returned to the reception teary eyed and with smudged make up? Absolutely nothing.
I pulled my purse open and rummaged for a familiar bottle of pills, but was met with none. I thought back to the day before, when I took it during the breakdown. I clenched my teeth together after recalling leaving it on my dresser. I had little faith in myself to survive this evening unscathed without it. Not with Finn here. Not with this huge ache in my chest. Not with all the regret bubbling to the surface, threatening to burn me once again.
I was going to have to leave. I'd already had one too many glasses of wine, and this was only the beginning of an inevitable downward spiral. Natalie and Elliot would have to forgive me, and I was going to ensure that I made it up to them in some way. I sucked in a sharp breath and got up. I bumped into Natalie outside the stall.
She held my hands, expression sympathetic. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. We had no idea he was coming, he just arrived at New York this afternoon." She gave my hands a desperate squeeze.
I nodded, avoiding her eyes so she wouldn't see what was in mine. "It's fine, Natalie. You don't have to apologize. I'm about to call it a night anyway."
"Oh no, you're leaving?"
The look on her face made my chest squeeze. Why was she so keen on me being here? I was the cause of this mess. I'd ruined everything. And now, the least I could do was be here for her.
"After a dance or two?"
Her eyes lit up. "Let's go," she tugged me back outside where people had already began to fill the dancefloor. Dominic approached us, a glass of wine in hand with a look of concern on his face.
"Are you okay, Amanda? You don't very good."
"Aren't you a gentleman, Dom," Natalie teased.
He smirked. "For the right cause? Gladly."
I forced a smile on. "I'm fine. I just need another drink." He offered up his glass of wine. I shook my head and my eyes strayed to our table where Finn was still sat, eyes not on me for the first time tonight. "Something stronger?"
He pulled a questioning look that barely lasted a second before he offered me his arm. "To the bar then. Sorry, Natalie, but I'll take it from here."
Natalie rolled her eyes and let go of my arm. "Go ahead."
I linked mine with Dominic's, a little smug. That, or tipsy from the alcohol already settled in my system. "I don't think your guests would like me hogging you anyway."
She made a disgruntled sound as Dominic led me to the bar. I ordered for a cocktail and he settled for his wine. After I got my drink I sipped hard on the straw until a chuckle halted me in my tracks. I looked up to see Dominic staring at me, his lips titled up in a grin that exposed a perfect set of teeth.
"What?" I asked.
He gave a slight shrug. "Nothing. Just that you're something of an enigma."
I scrunched my face comically. Again, it was the alcohol. "Enigma? Is that a new term for crazy?"
He burst into laughter, the sound almost drowned by the music. "Is that how you think I see you?"
"I wouldn't blame you."
"I would be the crazy one to think that."
I finished the rest of the drink and set the glass down. I grabbed his and set it down too. "Do you dance, Dom?" The nickname rolled off my tongue with relative ease, the same he'd used on mine on our elevator ride up.
His brown eyes shone. "Occasionally." He held out his hand and I took it. There was something textured behind it, and I caught sight of a scar just as he led me to the dancefloor that now bore more than half of the party.
"What was that story about that bride at a wedding?" I asked as I settled my hands around his neck and his came around my waist. This was the most closeness I had gotten with any man in a long, long time, and it surprised me that I felt oddly comfortable here.
"I'd rather not talk about that right now," he sighed.
"Is that why you don't like weddings?" I stubbornly pushed.
"Amanda," he drawled.
Every so often, the music changed, signalling a change of dance partners, but Dom and I continued to dance together.
"But really," I piped up again. "Were you two really caught..." My voice faded off.
His lips parted open and he let out a heavy sigh. "Fuck. Yes, we were caught having sex, with her wedding dress on and her fiancé waiting at the alter."
I pursed my lips. I knew Finn wouldn't make up stories, but hearing him say it was still surprising.
"I regret none of it," he spoke up. "Although I was too much of a coward to let her go and she was too selfish to let me go. He got married to her still, just so I wouldn't have her."
"Are they still married?"
"I have no clue," he said, and before I could decipher the look of pain on his face the music changed and he let me go. I stood in place, a little dazed, a little dizzy, until a hand settled on the small of my back, steadying me. I turned to see Finn by my side, with everybody else paired up except us. Something in me wanted to run away, but a much larger part craved this moment.
His hand let go of me. We stared at each other, willing the other to make the next move. I was drowning in the green of his eyes which held me in a hard stare. Up close, his features appeared ever so clear- defined angles and an intense look in his eyes. My fingers ached to reach for his honey blond hair and drown in it as I'd done so many times in the past.
Just when I thought he was going to walk away, he reached out his hand in an invitation and in that moment, I was transported to the first dance we ever shared. It was during my second meeting with him, at a dinner party his aunt had invited me too. We were mere strangers then, unsuspecting of what we would become.
I was still staring at his hand, and right when it faltered, I quickly reached for it, desperate to relieve a part of that night again- the moment life had seemed so surreal, like a fairytale. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he held on to my waist. We began to move and my senses went numb to anything outside the little bubble we'd created. My feet did their thing, but my eyes were caught in a staring match with his.
There were a hundred questions running through my head.
How are you?
Are you happy?
Did you miss me?
Do you hate me?
But none I could actually voice out. Instead, they stuck timidly down my throat. I didn't think I could stomach the answers to them anyway.
His hand was steady on my waist, a little more purposeful as it nudged me in the right direction when we. He knew I was already drunk and hence, might mess some of the dance steps. Then again, I might be reading too much into it. He didn't owe me that much thoughtfulness.
"You look good," the words spilled out of my lips before I could put in any thought.
His expression hardened and his stare faltered for a second. It was obvious my comment threw him off balance, but why would it? He really did look good. The sight of him meant that my heart was working overtime, and I was amazed at how we were dancing hand in hand without me spontaneously combusting.
There was another shift in the music, but he stayed, and I had no plans on parting either.
"Why do you still wear it?" He finally spoke, his low but gentle voice nostalgic. It took me a moment to realize that he'd asked a question, and questions usually required answers. I stared at him, puzzled, and his eyes fell to my neckline. "Why do you have it on when we aren't together anymore? Isn't that a little hypocritical? To pick the parts of us you liked, and throw the rest away?"
I stopped dancing. There was something about him I'd only come to pinpoint now, similar to what I had seen during our first few meetings- a cold, hard wall keeping me outside. A wall that never gave as little as a peek of the inside, nor spare you from the cold of the outside. Is this what I did to him?
I took a step back, at a loss of words. "I-I'm..." I began, hands clenching and unclenching at my sides. His eyes narrowed as I struggled to find my words. "I..." I'm so sorry. "I need a drink," I got out weakly and spun around, hiding my tear filled eyes. I was two feet closer to the bar when a hand latched firmly around my wrists and pulled me back.
"No fucking way am I letting you drink any more," Finn bit out, jaw tight.
"What are you doing?"
"You are a mess when you're drunk, Amanda. I don't think Natalie would appreciate fussing over you on her wedding night. Come on." He led me back to our table and pulled my chair out. "Now, sit."
My ass was barely down when he stormed away, leaving me utterly confused. I thought he couldn't stand the sight of me. Now he was going to order me around? I made to stand up when he returned and held a cup to me. I took it expectantly. He scowled at my enthusiasm.
"It's water, the only thing I expect you to be drinking for the rest of the night, okay?"
"Okay."
A stranger sidled with him and leaned into his ear. I couldn't hear anything that was being said neither could I make more out the stranger aside very dark hair in a buzz cut. He eventually turned around, and the iciest blue eyes stared at me curiously before Finn called his attention. Who was he? Finn wasn't hostile with him like he was with Dominic. In fact, they could pass as friends.
My attention was ripped away by commotion at the front. A number of women were lining up with a bubbly Natalie holding on to her flower bouquet. She made eye contact with me and beckoned me up. I shook my head. She persistently waved me over. I remained rooted on the spot until people began to look in my direction.
"I'm pretty sure she wants you to join them up there," Dominic appeared at the table. I groaned and he smirked as I got up. "You're always welcome to my anti-wedding club anytime, Amanda."
A rush of vertigo hit me but I shook it off and stomped to the front. My dreadfully uncomfortable heels felt like medieval torture devices on my feet, and one twisted, sending me down. Someone caught me before I fell forward and I turned to see Finn effortlessly holding me up. I hadn't notice him follow me.
"Careful," he muttered and helped me to an upright stand. He let go of me and I joined the rest of the women excited for the throw. Natalie turned around.
"On three," she yelled. Everyone counted down for her. Three, two, one! She tossed it and I remained in place as the other women clamoured to catch it. It was headed in my direction and I felt a force push me aside. I fell to the floor, landing sorely on my butt. The bouquet bounced off the hands of the woman who pushed me and landed right in the hands of Finn, who was a few feet away from us. There was laughter from the guests, and I found myself in a fit of giggles. Natalie turned around and threw her hands over her mouth in laughter when she saw who had caught them.
He stared at the bouquet in his hands and his eyes slid to me. "I think this is yours," I barely managed to catch the bouquet when he threw it to me with an all too serious expression on his face. I held his stare, fighting past drunken thoughts until I chickened out and looked away.
*
a/n: why did i go off for a freaking month??? i really don't want a situation where you start to forget the plot and details from earlier chapters, ugh.
i will try harder.
(a little consolation(?): there won't be a third book)
please vote, thank you!