Perrie POV
In the morning, I slip out of her arms quite early to use the shower, knowing full well that there are numerous paparazzi waiting for us outside the hospital doors and that I shouldn't look completely neglected. It is true that I have also spent the last two nights here, but not as a patient. I haven't seen the inside of a shower, my hair is a disaster and I'm still wearing the same clothes.
When I come out of the bathroom a little more refreshed, she slowly opens her eyes, which brings a smile to my face.
"Good morning," I say softly and give her a kiss on the forehead, whereupon she grabs my hand and snuggles into it.
"Hey," she whispers in a raspy voice.
"Are you feeling better?", I ask quickly, feeling the worry lines on my face again. But she smiles at me with her big eyes and nods assuring me, "I'm fine."
We wait for a while, talking, laughing or just staring at each other. As if we don't have a care in the world. Maybe at least today we can pretend we do. The doctor should have come into the room half an hour ago to discharge Jade and I notice her getting a little nervous, despite my attempts of distraction.
"What about our schedule?" she asks me uncertainly at some point.
"Don't worry about that," I immediately assure her, although I also know that the schedule is tight anyway and the slightest delay can get us into serious trouble.
In the end, the doctor arrived an hour later than expected and dismissed Jade with some words of warning. After I called Paul to let him know we were now on our way, we are immediately met by two bodyguards at the door. Apparently, it is normally hospital rule that patients who are being discharged are brought out in a wheelchair, but Jade refused. However, as she is still quite wobbly on her feet, she clings to me with everything she has while I lead us to the bus. Although the bodyguards shield us as best they can, we are of course aware of all the paparazzi around us. We both have hoodies on and pull the hoods deep into our faces, but it doesn't help much. When we arrive at the bus, I help her climb the stairs and can see from her expression that just getting here was an effort. Protectively, I put an arm around her shoulders and lead her on a direct way to our couch so that she can quickly sit down.
"Jadey!", Leigh calls out immediately as we approach them and wraps Jade tightly in her arms.
"Good to have you back, little one!", Jesy says and joins in the hug. And of course I can't resist and we are soon in one of our famous group hugs and don't even want to let go when we suddenly hear a loud throat clearing behind us. Abruptly we turn to Paul, who is eyeing Jade and me furiously in particular.
"An hour late," he states. "You're an entire hour late! Do you have any idea what this is doing to our entire schedule?!"
I snort contemptuously, finding it hard to believe that he actually wants to blame us for this, but Jade beside me goes all small and quiet.
"I'm sorry, Paul," my usually tough Jade says, meek and almost ashamed.
"No, stop that!", I interject. "It's not your fault the doctor was late today."
"But it was all because of me in the first place, I was in the hospital after all..." she states sadly and I eye her in shock.
"That was beyond your control," I immediately clarify.
"Anyway," Paul interrupts me. "We're on a tight schedule anyway and now we're an hour late. That means we don't have much time before we have to go to the first interview. So we go straight from the bus to the studio. Everyone will certainly be waiting for us there. Jade will then start in make-up and..."
"Wait a minute," I interrupt him, starting to get angry. "What now? What's that supposed to mean? It's not like she's going to just jump right in normally."
"Of course she will," he counters, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "She's had time to rest now. May I remind you that this is your job and we all have a contract to fulfil..."
"No, I won't let you do that," I say quickly and with all the persuasion I can muster. "Absolutely not. Have you forgotten that she is sick? She has...", I bite my lip for a moment, with a heavy heart, so as not to blurt out anything I'm not allowed to tell. "...pneumonia. She's been discharged, but that doesn't make her all healthy just like that."
"Perrie, it's okay...", Jade says quietly, obviously embarrassed by the whole situation, which only makes me angrier.
"No, it isn't. You need to get some rest. Real rest. I don't want you to be in a hospital again in a few days just because of some stupid radio tour," I reply loudly.
"That stupid radio tour is still your job," Paul reminds me, whereupon Jesy decides to speak up, "She's sick, Paul. Job or not. We're drawing the line here, we're not going to let her keep destroying herself." And I've never been more grateful to her.
"We have a promo tour for the next two days, don't we?" she prods further, and Paul just nods, massaging his temples in a stressed manner. "There you go. Then she sits out the two days and rest at the hotel and then we'll see," she suggests.
"Also, what would all the fans say if we dragged her straight back to an interview after she'd been in the hospital?!" argues Leigh logically, earning a loud sigh from Paul.
"I'm sorry, Paul...", Jade says meekly and I really wonder what's going on in her head right now and why she stands up for herself so little. I've never known her to be so small and shy.
"No...no you are right. I'm sorry, I hope you're feeling better...just the label..." he says stressed, rubbing his tired eyes.
"You have a lot of pressure on you," Jade notes. "It's all good, we understand."
"Yeah, but there's still a limit," Leigh says then. "And if anyone complains, send them straight to us. I have no problem giving them our opinion," which makes me grin proudly.
So the new plan is that we take the bus straight to the studio, meet our team there and start straight into today's radio tour in Vancouver. Jade, however, stays on the bus and goes to the hotel alone to rest, which relieves me, but I still don't like the idea of her being alone all day. So I quickly called Claude and arranged for him to keep an eye on her in my absence.
Now we're sitting on the couch relaxing. I have my arm around Jade who is leaning against my chest, holding her phone for the first time since she was in the hospital, the one Leigh gave her earlier. We do get a few curious looks from the other two, but we don't comment on that for now.
"It's pretty weird. Sometimes you don't get a single relevant text for days and then you're not on your phone for two days and suddenly it explodes," she says shaking her head.
"Might have something to do with you being in a bloody hospital and the whole world knowing about it," Leigh replies with a laugh.
"Didn't think so many would care," she says with a smile, then, after reading everything but not answering anyone, closes the phone and leans her head back against my chest.
"Aren't you gonna answer?", I ask, a little confused.
"Later," she says curtly, rubbing her eyes.
"Tired?", I whisper and she just nods against my chest, to which I give her a kiss on the top of her head and hug her tighter to me as I put a blanket over us.
"Um, Pez?", Leigh then asks and I look at her questioningly. "Did you delete your pictures of Alex and you?"
That alone catches Jade's attention. She lifts her head and turns slightly towards me, eyeing me in confusion.
"Yeah," I quickly admit. "We're not together anymore, are we? I didn't feel like writing a whole big statement. Why do you ask?"
"The internet is going crazy right now," she explains with a laugh as she shows me an article that could have been written just a few minutes ago because it includes a picture of me and Jade leaving the hospital.
"What the fuck," I say amused as I hold the phone so that Jade and I can both read the article.
What's going on between Perrie Edwards and bandmate Jade Thirlwall?
In the past, fans of the British pop girlband Little Mix have often noticed that the girls seem to be the best of friends. But Perrie Edwards and Jade Thirlwall always seemed to be a bit closer to each other. Fans are now wondering if all their theories and fantasies have now come true. Is fan favourite Jerrie actually real?
Jade is known to always get emotional during the song "secret Love Song". But now fans got suspicious when this time Perrie suddenly burst into tears at the concert in Seattle and seemed to be unable to finish the song. Earlier, the band announced that Jade could not take part in this show because she was ill. Fans' concern grew when an ambulance was spotted outside the arena. A day later it was announced that Jade was ill with pneumonia and was therefore indeed in the hospital. But it is striking that Perrie has only been seen twice during this time: at night on the way to the hospital and this morning, together with Jade, on the way to the bus and both times she was wearing the same outfit. Did she spend the nights with Jade at the hospital? This news is topped off by the fact that Perrie deleted all pictures of her and longterm boyfriend Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain last night. Is it all over between the dream couple? And is a certain bandmate playing a role in the split? A trusted inner circle source said "they love each other very much, it's no secret."
We're almost certain Jerrie Shippers have a lot to cheer about.
"Always these trusted sources from the inner circle," Jade says shaking her head and I can't hold back my laughter.
"After all these years it's still funny how much attention the smallest things get, you can't even delete a few pictures," I state.
"I'm sure Management will be pleased," Jade says then, looking at me nervously, but I just smile encouragingly at her, reminding her of what we discussed with just that small gesture. It doesn't matter.
"Do you have something to tell us?", Jesy then asks with a knowing grin.
"Isn't it obvious?", I counter in amusement.
"I need to hear it out loud," is all Jesy says.
"We're back together," Jade then announces without even a moment's hesitation. And it doesn't take a second for Leigh and Jesy to start squealing and jumping on top of us to hug.
"We're so happy for you guys!" says Leigh quickly when they've calmed down.
"We don't know what's going to happen once the label, management and the whole world knows. But we don't want to hide," I then explain carefully but sincerely. This concerns them as much as it does us.
"We've got your backs, no matter what," Leigh then immediately clarifies and Jesy nods in agreement. "Little Mix is solid. Whatever comes our way, we'll do it together."
And I can barely hold back the tears of joy and relief. All this time we've had such anxiety about how our two best friends in particular would react and we get nothing but support and love. I give Jade a long kiss on the cheek, whereupon she leans back against my shoulder, smiling.
"Thank you guys. This means so much to us," she says in a heavy voice and I can immediately hear that she's fighting tears too, which is why I hug her even tighter.
When we arrive at the studio, it gets quite hectic. In fact, we are very late, basically much too late. So Paul literally pulls us out of the bus so that we can be made up presentable as quickly as possible. There is not even enough time to say goodbye to Jade for the day. The whole journey we sat snuggled up on the couch and while I talked quietly with Jesy and Leigh, Jade more or less slept or at least dozed. She really still looks so tired and weak and it almost tears me up to have to leave her. Even if it's only one day and even if it's my job. Knowing what I know, I want to spend every second with her and the thought of her being as bad as she was before the Seattle show and me not being there almost kills me. But it doesn't matter.
She assures me she's fine and not to worry, but I know her. I know that's not the truth. I know that after everything that has happened, she is not well in any way, physically or mentally. But at this moment, all I can do is give her a quick kiss on the cheek and hope that nothing happens while I'm gone. I notice how she looks sadly after us as we tumble off the bus and wonder how many more times it will be like this.
Once we arrive at the studio, things get even more hectic. I have never seen our entire team so stressed and when I hear that we are already supposed to give the first interview in twenty minutes and take a look in the mirror, I realise why.
I don't know how we managed it, but somehow we are sitting halfway presentable on the couch on time for the first interview.
"Litte Mix is in the house!" shouts the moderator, whom we have seen maybe three times so far. But we are simply not often in North America, let alone Canada. Professional as we are, the second he walks in, any worry is off our faces and we're funny as ever, so we cheerfully join in.
"But we're missing someone," he then quickly states. "How is Jade? We heard she suffered pneumonia?!"
I open my mouth, but immediately notice how the brief semblance of professionalism leaves me as the image of her lying helpless on the floor, unable to breathe and coughing up blood comes back into my head. And I can't get a sound out, even though the camera is pointed directly at me and I know full well that this will displease Paul and the management. But I can hardly control the emotions that immediately arise at the memory and have to fight tears after ten seconds of the first interview. This could be a long day.
"Yes, unfortunately our Jade is sick and we thought we'd better use the days before the next show for her to rest," Jesy then explains when she notices that I'm not in a position to do so right now.
"That sounds very plausible. The fans were all beside themselves with worry when they said she was indisposed and then suddenly an ambulance was spotted," he replies and I wonder if his compassion is real or faked right now, or if he just wants to get hold of information.
"Admittedly we were quite worried too," Jesy continues.
"So how did it happen?" he probes further, whereupon I realise that it's probably really just pure curiosity. But well, it's his job to find out information, we've always had to deal with that. Why is it so much harder for me today?
Jesy glances briefly at me, as if looking for confirmation of how much she is allowed to reveal, and I nod, barely perceptibly. It was clear we were going to be asked about it.
"It's all been pretty hectic," Jesy continues and I'm very grateful to her that I don't have to take it on.
"Jade hasn't been feeling particularly well for a few days, but she herself has put it down to stress with the tour and everything," she explains and I have to pull myself together with everything I have not to laugh it off. She hasn't been unwell for days, but for weeks, if not months. She didn't put it down to stress, she just repressed it until she couldn't anymore. But of course Jesy can't share this truth, what would they think of us? We have a sick band member for weeks and we all carry on as if everything is fine?
"But on the day of the show she was very quiet and we all knew something was wrong," Jesy goes on to explain, and I could punch myself in the face for not acting sooner out of my own vulnerability and stubbornness, even though I too could tell she was anything but fine that day.
"But then an hour before the show she suddenly couldn't really breathe," she continues and I have to blink several times to keep the tears from falling at the memory.
"We thought it was a panic attack at first. We've all had one at some point at least and we know how to deal with it and how to help each other and of course we tried that with her straight away. But at some point we realised that it couldn't be a panic attack. She just couldn't breathe physically ", I can hear how Jesy's voice doesn't seem as tough and stable as usual and I hope for all our sakes that she leaves out the worst part of the story.
"We then called an ambulance and they took her away and we wanted to go with them straight away because of course we were quite worried about her, but the show must go on," she says.
"That must have been very hard for you guys. To go on stage and put on a show when you don't know how your bandmate is," he states and this time Leigh takes over, "Of course it was. We say it all the time and we mean it, we're not just band mates, we're sisters. We feel each other's pain..."
Yes, literally.
"...And generally just going on stage as a threesome never feels right. But we also thought about our fans. We didn't want to disappoint anyone and give our fans the show they deserve. That's what Jade wanted too."
"I think that's very big of you guys," he continues. "But of course you were quite upset, weren't you? I think when you, Perrie, burst into tears, the whole arena thought Jade was dying," he says laughing and I feel sick for a brief moment. I feel like all air is being sucked out of my body as he stares at me questioningly. I myself thought at that moment she was going to die, with the information I had, with what I myself had seen just moments before. I was so indescribably afraid for her that I could no longer control myself. If only they all knew. And he sits here laughing about it. I would love to jump up, cry my heart out and make it clear to him exactly what I think of that comment. But that would not be professional. So I pull myself together and give a short laugh, "I'm a very emotional person."
"We all are," Leigh agrees with a laugh, even though I know for a fact she doesn't feel like it right now either.
"But it's not all that bad. She was treated well at the hospital, was discharged this morning and is now resting for our show here in Vancouver the day after tomorrow," Jesy sums up and I catch myself briefly widening my eyes and frowning at the mere thought of her actually being on stage in two days. Just the image triggers anxiety in me again, which I try to suppress with everything I have.
"That's good news, isn't it?" the presenter says euphorically. "But we still have such a serious issue open. Perrie. You gave the world quite a shock last night."
And it takes me a moment to realise he's addressing me before I see what it's going to be about.
"I think we can assume that you and Alex are no longer together..." he continues, but I don't respond.
"I think we all want to know first and foremost if you are doing well in what must be a difficult time?" he probes, but I don't believe a word he says. They don't want to know how I am. They want any information to shoot their mouths off, as usual.
"I'm very well, thank you very much," I reply curtly, but can quickly tell it's not enough yet. "We just got to a point where it didn't fit anymore, that's how it is in life sometimes, unfortunately. But we parted on good terms," I then explain, while omitting what is probably the most crucial reason, which he seems to notice.
"So there's no other reason?" he asks with a sly smile. "No little brunette reason, who has an angelic voice?"
I actually have to laugh briefly at his paraphrase. It could be so simple. I could just answer his question in the affirmative and all the secrecy, the hiding, the theories, would come to an end. And there is nothing I would like more to do. We've only been back together for one night, but it feels so much more serious and solid. I want everyone to know, I want to be able to proudly announce that she is my girlfriend. But there's no way I'm going to reveal anything without talking to her first or without her by my side.
"Jerrie is still real, after all," Leigh then interjects with a laugh, and I thank her by joining in. Being playful about it took the focus off of us back then and until we're ready to reveal our relationship, that's just how it has to go, even if it's hard for me.
The rest of the interview is like a trance for me and I'm just glad when it's over. But the next one is not long in coming, closely followed by many more. And the procedure is always the same. A thousand questions about Jade, Alex and me and almost nothing about the current tour. Some of the questions are so close to heart that a panic attack is imminent, but fortunately it doesn't come to that.
During the minimal breaks, I always try my luck to reach Jade to know how she is doing. But she doesn't respond to anything, no texts or calls. I hope she is just sleeping, but the worry grows with every passing hour. Eventually I get fed up and call Claude, as after all I made him keep an eye on her and I know he wouldn't take this task lightly.
"I need an update," I say immediately as he picks up.
"Jesus, hello to you too," he says with a laugh.
"Claude, I really don't have much time and she doesn't respond to anything," I explain quickly.
"Don't worry about it, she's asleep. The first half hour in the room I think she answered all sorts of texts and dm's and since then she's been fast asleep," he says and I breathe a sigh of relief.
"And where are you?", I enquire.
"I'm sitting on the couch in her room watching her, even though she's verbally kicked me out several times," he says with a laugh and I can't help smirking either.
"So everything's fine, Pez," he assures me and, visibly relieved, I hang up and can still halfway enjoy the rest of the interviews.
When we finally arrive at the hotel, it's already long dark outside and I don't even want to know how long we were in the studios. It feels like an eternity, at least. On the way, we all got something to eat so that we could just eat it at the hotel, and being forward-thinking as I am, I got Jade a portion as well. Knowing her, food was not on her agenda today.
We got a small suite here in Vancouver for the few days of our stay, which is why all our rooms are connected. Accordingly, we open the door quietly and put our food down on the table.
"I'll go get Jade, she should eat something," I then explain and start looking for her, or now our, chosen room.
Carefully I open the door and just stop for a moment to stare at her. She is indeed still asleep. But she looks so peaceful. I haven't seen her like this for a long time and apparently the medication is bringing some colour back into her face. Claude had texted me an hour ago that he went out with the crew, so it's just the two of us in the room. Slowly I walk up to her, brush a strand of hair out of her face and just stare at her. It breaks my heart to wake her, but she really hasn't eaten all day by the looks of it.
"Hey, babe," I whisper, but she makes no effort to wake up. So I give her a tender kiss on the lips and feel her slowly open her eyes after a few seconds. Giggling, I look at her as she wakes up and first looks around in confusion before she spots me in front of her and she has to smile as well.
"Hey," she says in a raspy, sleepy voice. "Have I been asleep all day?" she then asks in shock.
"Looks like it," I reply with a laugh. "But you should really eat something, come with me," I then say and hold out my hand, but she doesn't look at me enthusiastically.
"I'm not really hungry," she says meekly, which I notice. But she needs all the strength she can get and not eating for a whole day can't do any good.
"I know, but you have to," I say tersely. She sighs loudly, then sits up and immediately holds her head, which of course puts me back into worry.
"Are you okay?", I ask quickly and she just nods. "Yeah, just not at 100% yet", she explains tersely. I quickly understand, put my arms around her and literally pull her out of bed. As soon as she stands, she firmly grips my whole arm and I slowly lead us out of the room, trying to suppress the oppressive feeling of seeing her so weak again.
I help her to slowly sit down at the table where Leigh and Jesy are already sitting and have long since started eating. Indignantly, I look between the two of them.
"Sorry, we're starving," Jesy explains between bites and I just have to laugh. I myself have started countless times without her because I just couldn't wait.
"Jade!" says Leigh, her eyes shining. "We missed you so much today! Are you feeling better?" she wants to know and one look at Jade is enough to know that she's not better at all, even though she's spent the whole day in bed. She just smiles thinly, nods barely noticeably and then picks up her fork.
"We brought you lasagna," Jesy announces and normally her eyes would light up at the mere mention of it, but today I almost see fear. Like she's afraid of disappointing us if she doesn't eat, which breaks my heart again. I don't know what it was like back then when she had to be hospitalised for her anorexia, but I can guess my part. And I assume that her permanent lack of appetite and the related excuses why she doesn't eat open old wounds.
"Shall we eat on the couch? It's more comfortable," I then suggest, to make it as relaxed and stress-free as possible for her.
On the couch, we all cavort in front of the TV, as we are all too exhausted from the day that we have little interest in conversation. We tell Jade about the interviews and the topics, but are careful not to burden her further with the fact that she and unfortunately Alex were practically the main topic the whole day. After I have finished my meal quite quickly, I help Jade with her lasagna, knowing full well that she will never finish it alone and I don't want her to feel embarrassed about leaving a full plate. And possibly also because I'm far from full myself and the lasagna looks really good. And even if that wasn't my first intention, my help seems to make her eat more and more until we finally finish the plate together.
I look at her with shining eyes, give her a kiss on the cheek and whisper, "I'm proud of you," which also makes her smile.
As our eyes starting to fall shut, we decide to go to sleep, especially because we have to get up again in about four hours. So I don't even bother to take off my make-up or shower, since it will be renewed in the morning anyway, and lie down next to Jade. She quickly rolls into my arms and lays her head on my chest and is asleep again within minutes. I can't help grinning as I realise that we are just lying in bed like this for the first time in a long time as a couple, before I happily close my eyes and quickly fall asleep myself.
But the night is even shorter and more restless than expected. After only an hour, I am jolted out of sleep when I hear someone coughing vigorously. Immediately panicked, I sit up, reminded of just a few days before, and fearfully ask, "Jade, what's wrong?" as I turn on the light.
"Nothing, go back to sleep," she says in a heavy voice between coughs. But I don't even think about it. I turn to her, breathing a sigh of relief when I see no blood, but the worry is still very present.
"I have pneumonia, coughing is part of it," she explains to me, completely out of breath, but this was no normal cough, it was more like an attack.
"What can I do for you?" I ask immediately.
"Nothing, go back to sleep. We have to get up soon, don't we?" she continues and for now I ignore the use of the word "we" and just shake my head.
"I can't sleep when you're not feeling well," I counter sincerely and jump out of bed. "I'll make you some tea, maybe that will help your throat," I decide and, without waiting for rejoinders, I hurry out of the room.
The tea does seem to have helped. It takes half an hour of lying in my arms and slowly sipping the tea until she calms down and closes her eyes again. But I unfortunately don't find peace so quickly. Every little cough, which I'm sure is normal, startles me out of what is already a very restless sleep today. Normally I sleep like a rock, but apparently not today.
When the alarm clock goes off at three in the morning, I was already awake. I quickly turn it off so as not to wake Jade, as she will certainly not be taking part in the radio tour today, despite possible protests. I even resist the temptation to give her a goodbye kiss so that she can really stay asleep, and then quietly disappear out of the room.
I meet Leigh and Jesy, who also look like zombies, in the hallway, signal them to be quiet and we head off to the first radio studio of the morning.