[TW: Angst]
Johnny was standing in the nursery of his newborn. He was afraid to even step closer to the infant. Sodapop was standing behind him, observing the situation. He and his husband Sodapop had successfully conceived and delivered a precious baby boy. Which Sodapop lovingly named Lemon James Cade. Since he was more of the food themed Curtis, he went with it when it came to unique names. Plus, there were other people out there named Lemon.
Johnny was being so standoffish with the baby because he was afraid, as mentioned before. Johnny knew he wasn't his parents. However, deep down he was still terrified of what he could do. Johnny was still a human, and sleep deprivation was one hell of a thing. Johnny was too terrified to pick up his own son because of his own shitty parents. It was tearing Johnny up inside.
Johnny would get close to do something with his son, only to get freaked out and get Sodapop. Sodapop would, for example, be making food. He would ask Johnny to watch the baby and feed him, or something similar to that. Johnny would make the bottle, get to the crib with his crying son inside, and then run away. Trading off with Sodapop because he was simply unable to do it. Johnny didn't even fully understand why he was acting this way. He hadn't held his son since the day he was born, then when they took him home from the hospital two days later. Johnny just wanted to hold his son...
Sodapop was just as upset in the situation. Because he was tired and wanted Johnny to be able to have a physical bond with his son. Johnny needed to heal from his childhood so he could focus on the childhood of his son that he was currently shaping. A scared father was an absent father in this situation. Sodapop was going to be there for his husband to help him move forward and let go of the trauma he carried with him.
"Go ahead honey, stand next to the crib." Sodapop said softly from behind Johnny.
The smaller male slowly approached the crib. He held onto the railing and looked down to see his son. Lemon was looking up at his daddy, cooing and reaching his arms up to Johnny.
"You can pick him up, I promise." Sodapop said. Johnny shakily reached his hands down into the crib, gently picking up the baby. Focusing on supporting his head. Johnny brought Lemon against his body to fully support him. His entire body had a slight tremor to it; he was still so afraid.
"Deep breaths, love. Lemon is okay, you're okay. You're not going to hurt him. Don't psych yourself out... Enjoy being his father." Sodapop said. He had a hand gently rested against Johnny's back. It was soothing for him. Johnny relaxed more and adjusted the baby in his arms; it was starting to feel more natural. By the time Johnny looked down again to see how Lemon was doing, Lemon was asleep. Johnny smiled softly at the sight.
"You did it..." Sodapop praised. He was proud of the other male. It would probably still be awhile until Johnny could stand to be alone with the baby.
Johnny still couldn't help but feel terrible. What kind of person was he to go and have children, but not be able to care for them? It made him sick. Why did he rush into it when he knew he couldn't handle it? Well, it partially had to do with Soda. Soda wanted kids so badly, all of the other Curtis brothers had their own kids. Sodapop thought they were ready, but he didn't really pick up on how Johnny was feeling. Johnny didn't want to tell Sodapop no anymore, because it was something they both genuinely wanted.
"I'm sorry, Lemon..." He said softly. It wasn't fair to him or Sodapop.
As for the other Curtis brothers and their kids, it left Sodapop feeling like he had lost an non-existent race. Sodapop had trained his whole life just to be beat out, anyway. Darrel and Two-Bit had twin daughters: Kendall and Genovive. Ponyboy and Steve had a son: Chartreuse– yes, the color. That one specifically made Sodapop most upset. He was mostly grossed out by the fact his friend was plowing his brother; they are married now, but Sodapop was upset for many years while they were simply dating. Did Sodapop start going out with Johnny to get back at Pony? No, but it did even out the playing field that Sodapop made up in his own mind.
"Here, let's take him out into the living room with us. Just spend some time with him. Please?" Sodapop asked. He thought it would be useful for them to get that bonding time in. Then Sodapop would just get to be there and watch; spending time with them too, basically.
Johnny simply nodded and walked with the baby out into the living room. Johnny sat down on the couch with Lemon. Soda walked over and offered assistance again, "Lay him vertically down your body. He wants your warmth and he'll be more comfortable laying on you that way." Sodapop said. Johnny agreed and let his husband help him lay the baby that way.
Once Lemon was in a good position on his daddy, Johnny gently placed his hands on him to support him there. One on the back of his head and the other supporting his bottom. Johnny smiled softly as he held his son close to him.
Things would get better...
...
Johnny and Sodapop were currently fighting in the living room. Johnny made sure the baby's room door was closed so Lemon wouldn't be disturbed.
They were fighting because they had recently become sexually active again, and Sodapop was suspecting he was suddenly pregnant again. His body had just finished recovering, so they were making sure to stay protected. Soda was blind sighted by some symptoms and he was accusing Johnny of lying about using protection.
"I-I would never do such a thing, Soda. Enough, please... you don't even know for sure that you're pregnant. We've only had sex twice so far and I SWEAR I wore a condom." Johnny said. He was terrified. He would never assault his husband in such a way.
"Then explain these damn symptoms! Someone lied to me!" Sodapop said. He towered over his husband. Johnny was still a small guy.
"If you are, maybe the condoms are expired or just faulty." Johnny said. He just wanted to de-escalate the situation.
"You wouldn't check before using them on me?!" Sodapop screamed.
"We just bought them, I thought it would be okay-" Johnny said. He didn't think to look at anything, it seemed fine.
"You THOUGHT? See where that got you?" Sodapop huffed. Johnny frowned and looked down at his feet. No one ever saw Sodapop like this. Only Ponyboy did sometimes. Johnny didn't say anything. He was afraid Sodapop would only continue to yell at him if he did. Johnny would usually do this, simply shut down to make the people happy and not to push anything too far.
A few silent moments went by.
"I... I could get you a test if you wanted..." Johnny said quietly. If he was pregnant, Johnny would be scared. He used the condoms, so it would be the rubbers fault. Not Johnny. Soda was too worked up to even think about it.
"Oh, so you're saying there's a chance? So you did lie to me, you're not wearing anything?" Soda accused him again.
"No- I just- we don't know for sure. If a condom did break, we need to know now." Johnny said. He was still frowning, not like Sodapop could see. His head was still facing down.
"Fine. Get out." Soda said. He stomped off and slammed the door to their bedroom. He was really mad... Johnny almost wanted to walk out the door and never come back... it was a cruel thought, because he would never want to voluntarily abandon his son. Lemon needed both parents in his life.
Johnny slowly put on his shoes and left the house. He got into his car and tried his best not to cry. His feelings were hurt but he needed to get over it. He still loved Soda with all of his heart. Johnny took his time getting the tests and taking them back home. Johnny spent a solid 15 minutes sitting in his car before going into the house. He didn't want to go in there. His only driving force was Lemon. Johnny went inside and was quiet with the door. He didn't see Sodapop in the living room. He must have been somewhere else in the house. The bedroom still, maybe?
He walked around and Soda was not still in the bedroom. Johnny went to the nursery and Soda was changing Lemon. Lemon was making happy noises and Soda looked happy. Cooing down at his son and tickling him to make him squeal. They were so happy. Johnny didn't realize how long he was staring until Soda suddenly looked at the door. He saw Johnny there, Soda frowned.
Soda wasn't sad that he saw Johnny, he was sad from how he acted before he left the house. That shouldn't have happened. Soda had no idea where all of that built up anger came from. It was a mistake and Soda hoped he could make it up to his husband. Johnny quickly left the room, going to the bathroom. He left the tests on the sink and took care of the bag. Johnny didn't want to be in anyone's way, so he went to his office to sort of hide. Sodapop put their baby in a playpen. He would be okay for a few moments. Soda frowned more when he saw the tests on the bathroom sink, he felt like such an ass.
Sodapop shut the door to the bathroom and went with it. He really did need to make sure...
Johnny heard the door shut and he went to attend his son. He picked him up and went to the living room to spend time with him. Lemon shouldn't be left alone when he was awake. Johnny laid Lemon on his chest for comfort. Some more time went by and he heard Sodapop exit the bathroom. The results were in. Johnny was still scared of Soda... He held onto his baby, Soda couldn't yell at him if he had the baby.
"Johnny, Sweetie...?" Soda said softly. Johnny didn't move. He didn't want to look.
"Yeah?" He said simply.
"They're all negative... I'll get the thermometer to see if I have a fever. I might just have the flu." Soda said. He really put himself in a bad place here. He walked away after that, they would have a conversation afterwards. If Sodapop did have the flu, he would need to stay away from the baby. The flu could be deadly for an infant.
Johnny kissed the top of Lemon's head. Lemon was his safe haven. He put Lemon on a tummy time mat in the living room. He sat down on the floor with him, watching him put his head up and build up his strength. Soda came back, "It's 101 fever... I think I just have the flu. I must have gotten it from work." Soda said. He felt so terrible, he basically accused his husband of sexually assaulting him. (In the sense of if Johnny lied about not having a condom on, Soda didn't consent to that kind of sex.)
"You should go lay down. I don't want you to get more sick, so rest up. I'll bring you some medicine and food if you're up for it." Johnny said. He gently petted the baby's head. Soda felt even more guilty than before. All that shit happened and Johnny was still looking out for him. Soda stomped on him and Johnny basically said thank you for it.
"Okay... I would appreciate some medicine. I'll hold off on the food. Thank you, lovely." Soda said softly. He waved goodbye to the baby and went to bed. He snuggled up and sighed, could this get any weirder?
...
It was later that night and the baby was asleep. The parents were supposed to be asleep, but instead they were having another talk. Johnny didn't want to cause problems, so he stayed quiet and submissive.
"Can we talk about what happened?" Soda asked. Johnny nodded. "I'm sorry about all the shit I said. I was stressed and ill, and I shouldn't have let myself burst on you. I'm sorry. Really sorry. I'll do anything to make it up to you." Soda said. He gently placed his hand on the side of Johnny's face. He gave his lover a very weak smile.
Johnny didn't want to be rude, but he was tense and not ready to be touched right now. He had a lot of trauma weighing on him. Touch right now just made him want to hide and cry more. Johnny simply nodded again in response.
"Please say something..." Soda said.
"I-it's okay." He said. Johnny had Soda remove his hand from his face.
"Maybe we could make up physically?" Soda said. He was so used to people wanting his body or idolizing it, so it was what Johnny wanted, wasn't it? Not with Johnny, he wasn't driven in that way. Hr thought maybe to patch up their physical strain, was to be physical.
"No- I mean, no thank you. I-I don't think now is a good time." Johnny said. He had a new sexual fear. Johnny was in no shape to have sex any time soon. He was scared it would be held against him and he would be accused of more things. He was scared Sodapop would flip on him again, or at any second if Sodapop thought Johnny was doing anything suspicious.
Sodapop frowned, Johnny was afraid... it was all like a never-ending nightmare. Soda's eyes started to water, he wished he could just make it better already. He knew it wasn't ever going to be an easy fix.
Johnny was living with constant anxiety, and it seemed to never stop. There was always something new popping up to ruin it all over again. Johnny balled himself up to be smaller.
"I-I'm sorry, please don't cry. We-we can make up." Johnny felt bad, he didn't want Sodapop to cry over it.
"No just- stop a second. It's fine. I can't even sit next to you without you gettin' scared. It was going so well... I was able to get you to hold out infant. Now I can't get you to touch me. It's one thing after another with us. I'm tired of it." Sodapop was frustrated. He got up and left the room.
He hoped things would fix themselves, because he had no idea what to do.
<<To Be Continued>>