Chapter 6: The Sin Pt. 2
Maybe death would be better. I know it would be easier- but would it be better?
In the very short span I've been alive, I've felt more depleting and dead than my mothers own corpse. I'm disgusted in my own skin for I feel it is not my own.
I feel angry with what fate I was given and saddened by the fact that I could not change it.
Even more so I feel hopeless at the fact I was just another bounty to be traded in by a man whom I started to feel any ounce of sanity with.
And just how my mother felt when I was born, I will feel the same way in my death. Alone.
Is it sick of me to not feel any ounce of care for the green child anymore?
Is it cruel that the minute Mando left us- the minute the green baby and I were separated- I've felt nothing.
No worry, no compassion.
I feel guilt. But I feel guilty for a lot of things.
I feel guilty that sometimes I get angry that my mother is the one whom I was born to.
I feel guilty that I let my guard slip with Mando- that I let him in.
I feel guilty about my body and what's been done to it because maybe- maybe if I was selfish enough I could've just ran away and left everything behind rather than let those monsters touch me.
I felt guilty when I ate food provided to me by Kuiil because my mother would never know it's taste nor look.
I feel guilty for being such a burden. I feel guilty that I take up space and take up air.
I feel guilty that I'm here and my mothers not.
I feel guilty that even these stormtroopers have to deal with a nuisance like me.
I am better off dead.
My head hangs carelessly. My hair wet with sweat and dirty from built up grime and blood. I'm standing in the middle of an empty and cold room.
My wrists are tied up and hanging from the ceiling, my body dangling as my toes barely caress the black tiling.
My arms have gone numb. My stomach is weak from the beating I've just been given. Vomit lays a few feet in front of me because I couldn't bare to hold it in any longer.
I'm exhausted.
I've lost hope.
And I'm done.
I'm giving up. No one will come. The baby is probably dead and I hope to join him next.
My eyes are swollen. Not only from my tears, but from the hits I've taken. I can feel my head pounding- pulsing as if someone smashed something against my temple.
Oh wait, they did. It's okay though. I probably deserve it. Maybe it's me. Maybe something's wrong with me and that is why I've been dealt these cards in life.
It's all my fault.
€
If I had a family, I would want a pet. Isn't that always the case? There are two parents.
An annoying sibling who bullies you- but secretly would kill anyone who dare hurt you, a younger sibling who follows you everywhere and gets on your nerves- but you secretly love because they look up to you, and a family pet that sits back and watches the show.
My vision is blurry in the dark room.
What pet would I have? What color would my fathers hair be? Would my mother be a good cook? Would my older sibling tease me about almost everything? Would my younger sibling ask annoying questions all the time?
I cough violently- feeling my chest ache in pain as I taste the metallic and thick liquid.
Would we fight? Would we get along? I hope we would always have each other's backs no matter the trials.
I want a family.
My breathing slows as I close my eyes.
I want a family.
Please, if there is a God in the Galaxy, in my next life- would you give me a loving family?
And just like that- the pain vanishes.
€