27. Ask me to be yours, and I will say yes
I was sitting on a bench at the hospital. I've waited and waited here for about five hours. I was hungry, thirsty and tired. But all of that didn't matter.
The love of my life got hitted by a car, nothing else matters, only that she will survive. Apparently when paramedics arrived to the street where Saga lives and where the accident happened, she told them that they should call to me. And they did. It was the worst call I have ever got.
And then I immediately left the studio, leaving Joel and Niko there. They were confused first, but when I fastly told them what has happened, they wanted to come with me.
And they did. First Niko called to Eevi, she was shocked. Of course, we all are.
And suddenly we're all here. The whole band and Eevi. We're all that Saga has.
I haven't talked to anyone for the past hours, I've been just sitting here and imagining the worst.
Niko walked next to me and handed me a coffee, first I didn't react. But when I smelt the fresh drink, I looked at it tired.
"You need it, take it." Niko said, but I didn't look up at him. With my cold and shaking hand I wrapped my hand around the warm cup, but Niko didn't trust to my hand. He kneeled down and hold it as well, he forced me to look at him.
His green and worried eyes were scanning my face.
"Joonas.. she's going to survive." He said quietly, stroking my leg. I didn't react.
"You can't promise that." Eevi said with her weak voice next to Olli. Niko sighed.
"I can't. I know. I just want him to feel better." Niko said, finally letting go of the mug. Now I hold it alone. But I didn't drink from it.
"Nothing makes me feel better.. only if.. she survives..." I finally spoke after few hours. My voice was raspy and tired.
I felt everyone's eyes on me, they all were silent.
Niko stood up and sat next to me to my left, Joel was sitting on my right side, and he had pretty relaxed position as always. Tommi sat next to Niko, his hands crossed against his chest. He has been quiet too. Eevi was sitting between Joel and Olli, Aleksi sat next to Olli. I saw that Joel's right leg was shaking, and so did Eevi's. But I was just freezed, I didn't have any interest to move or anything. I can't leave even to the bathroom, I just want the doctor or nurse to come and tell us something. And I can't miss that.
But I did as Niko told me to, I took couple of sips from that coffee. I think Niko was watching at me.
One door opened, all of our gazes were on that tall woman who had a long and white jacket. She was a doctor. We all sat there, taking a better position.
We all waited for her hopefully.
But all of that for nothing, she just walked past us and gave us a small smile. We all sighed disappointed. She wasn't the right doctor.
"When are they going to tell us something?" Aleksi questioned worried, we all just shrugged our shoulders. Well, I didn't. I had a bad feeling in my stomach, my head was hurting from this stress.
We waited for ten minutes and sat there in silence, one doctor was walking towards us further away. I stared that middle-aged man with my side-eye, not being sure if he was the savior who would tell us something. His steps slowed down when he reached us, we all lifted our heads up. He opened his mouth and immediately I stood up while Niko was trying to keep me down.
"Joonas Porko?" The man asked, I nodded.
"I am.. my friends.. I mean mine and Saga's friends wanted to come too..." I explained mumbling. He nodded and took a quick look on everyone.
He was holding some papers in his hands which he stared and then started talking.
"I'm Saga's surgeon. Four of her ribs were broken and she had internal bleeding. She has severe concussion and couple of her teeth fell out. Also her right hand is broken from two points." The surgeon told us, and I was holding my breath in shock.
I can't even imagine the pain she's having.
"Can we go look at her?" I asked, my voice being shaky.
The man looked at us all serious behind his glasses.
"She's very weak and still sleeping, her condition is critical.. but yes, you can go to see her. Follow me." He said and we all let out a sigh of relief. But what made my heart skip two beats, was the fact that her condition is critical. The rest of the group stood up as well and we all followed the surgeon.
I felt Joel's hand on my shoulder.
"Everything will be alright, okay?" He said and I just gave him a small nod.
We reached the right door, number 27. The surgeon opened the door for us, I was the first one to walk in.
I saw her, laying on her bed, her skin was pale and she had bruises on her face. And she had a scar on her lips. I tried to hold my tears back, now it's not time to cry. There was a machine that was making a beep sound, the surgeon left us alone for a moment.
I carefully took a seat of the single chair that was next to the bed. I couldn't help the tears, one escaped from my eye already. But I wiped it away quickly, the others saw that.
I'm glad that Saga didn't, she would feel bad immediately if she sees me cry.
Eevi stood on the other side of the bed, Olli standing next to her and keeping his hand around her.
I wish I could stand next to Saga like that, and let my hand rest on her waist.
"Does anyone know who drove the car..?" Eevi asked from us. She knew we didn't know, but she wanted to have an answer. I wanted to have it too.
"It escaped from the crime scene, but the news are pretty interested of this accident." Tommi told us calmly. His voice always calms me down and gives me comfort. As it did now.
"I wish that they will not know that we're here, or the fans." Joel said. And what he just said was stupid.
"That's the thing that matters to you..? Asshole." I mumbled and stared at him with my red and tired eyes. He swallowed and looked down at his feet.
"Hey.. don't you two start now." Olli immediately told us wisely.
I gave Joel one last angry look, but I was too tired to do that either. My eyes scanned Saga's weak and damaged body, even though she had a blanket on.
But what confused me most of this all.. why she didn't have shoes on when the car hit her? The paramedics told so.
I started to get emotional, I let my hands lean against the bed and hided my face with my hands.
"Can you guys leave us alone for a moment..?" I asked weak. They didn't answer, but I saw through my fingers that Eevi stroked Saga's hair before leaving the room with Olli. All of them left.. but one of them stayed for a second.
I didn't know who it was, I wasn't interested to look.
But I felt his presence, and his steps came closer.
He placed his warm hand on my back.
I dared to move my hands away from my face and I watched him up.
"Whatever happens..." Tommi said, but I nodded, knowing already what he's going to say.
"I know.. I can only wish that she survives..." I said almost crying. He left the room, leaving me and Saga alone in the room.
I wiped my nose, I really tried not to cry.
"Saga.. oh dear.. I would do anything that I would be laying there on your place.. but I wouldn't want you to feel whatever I'm feeling now.. and I don't want you to lay down there either.. this is so fucking unfair.. life is unfair." I talked to her. I don't know if she hears me, I don't know anything. But I wish that she will hear me.
The door opened and a nurse walked in, giving me a small smile and checking that everything is okay with Saga.
Before the nurse left, she stood in front of the door.
"Saga told us that she has a letter in her jeans pocket, she wanted you to read it." She said and I only nodded to her confused, after that she left. Her own clothes were on the chair where I was sitting, so I stood up and searched that letter from her jeans.
I took it, and it had my name written on top of it, the paper was folded. I sat back down and looked at Saga with fear. What she has written in here?
I let out a deep sigh and opened it, I started to read it.
"I don't know how I'm supposed to write this, Eevi told me that writing feelings down helps her. And she encouraged me to write as well.
And here I am, writing... to you, Joonas.
When I first heard from Eevi that you'll be the bestman, I just agreed to be the bridesmaid, and Eevi told me that you're a funny guy.. to be honest I had a bad thought of you in my head. I thought that you will try your everything to make everyone laugh around you.
Because I also thought that I don't like positive people. I was scared of being happy, showing the happy emotions.
But when I met you, you weren't like that.
You were so much more than a funny guy.
I saw how everyone liked you, they felt safe around you.
And I'm sorry for not letting you get into my life that easily.
But when I did, I felt like I was healing.
Because of you.
Every single day I miss your blonde curly hair that is often pretty wild, I love burying my hands in there. I sink into your blue eyes, and your smile gives me so much comfort.
I love it when you laugh to stupid memes and show them to me. I love seeing your smile. I love it when you play the guitar and sing.
Remember that one night when I was feeling so low that I wanted to jump off from the balcony?
You took me into your arms, you kissed my head and said that everything will be okay.
You hold me tight, and I wish you could hold me tight forever.
Because in your arms I feel loved.
With you I'm free. With you I don't shame myself. And with your goofy personality and with my introvert ass we complete each other.
And I hope that you will teach me how to express myself, how to find my way in life.
But one thing I know, and I hope, that you will be a part of it.
Whatever you do, whatever you say, please Joonas, promise me one thing.
Hold me tight from now on. And do not let go. Because I will hold you tight whenever you feel like it. Ask me to be yours, and I will say yes.
With love, Saga."
I looked at Saga then, tears falling down from my eyes. I could wipe them away, but I didn't want to.
I placed my hand on top of her's, for a second I smiled and then I sobbed again.
"Saga.. I love you. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine." I whispered and leaned closer.
It felt so good to say that finally, but also at the same time I felt like I should've said it earlier.
But the machines started to beep constantly, I looked at the screen that shows the pulse. Fine line.
Eyes wide open I sat there shocked, many nurses and a doctor runs into the room.
"You have to leave the room." One of the nurses said to me. I shook my head.
Joel came into the room and took my hand and with force he pulled me out of there.
"You asshole! I don't leave her alone!" I shouted straight to his face. I tried to go back, but he had a strong grip on me, Tommi also helped him to keep me away from the room.
I heard Eevi sobbing, I was crying too. But I didn't have any energy to fight back anymore. I just fell to the ground crying, Joel holding me and covering my ears, so I wouldn't hear all the noices that were coming out from the room.
Three weeks later
I was walking down the long road of the cemetery.
I had red roses with me, and my slow steps were leading me towards her grave. It's been a week since it was her funeral, here in Kemi.
These three weeks has been suffering. Sleepless nights, only endless misery.
I arrived to the right grave, to her grave. I felt a very sharp feeling in my heart.
I stood there for a minute before kneeling down, I was watching those roses in my hand.
"Hey there, wherever you are. Uhm.. this is so hard...
I'll try not to cry but.. the tears just come and I can't help it. But I know that you don't mind.
Listen uhm.. I hope you're doing alright.
I would love to know where you are, what are you doing and.. are you listening to me. This is pure pain for me, you know? Eevi is missing you too, luckily she has Olli who comforts her. He misses you too. Everyone does. I miss you.. more than you could ever imagine. I miss your sarcastic humour.. those nights when we were just cuddling and you stared at me with your beautiful eyes. I miss staring at you.
I miss your.. everything.
But I hope that you're with your mom now, after all you deserve to be with her again.
I wish everything good for you both... I read your letter.. I loved it. Saga.. if I could I would hold you so tight.. tighter than ever. It's all I ask now. It's all I need now. I need you.. please.. I would do anything.
But I know it's impossible. How am I supposed to continue my life..? Why the universe is so mean that first it brings two people together only to tear them apart? I might not get answers but.. I will think about you everyday. I will cry after you, I will scream until I have no air left in my lungs.
And I will come here, bring you new flowers because you deserve them. I'll come here as often as possible, this city is far away from Helsinki.
And I'm so angry how you had to go.
But at least our last meeting was full of love...
You were special to me.. when I first met you I immediately catched my eyes on you. It was totally worth it. I will sing for you, every night. I promise that."
A white butterfly suddenly comes from behind my shoulder, I land my eyes on it and follow it with my gaze when it flies, higher and higher.
A small smile appeared on my red face that was covered by dry and wet tears.
My red and watering eyes followed it.
"Oh Saga.. I remember, don't worry. Even when you're a butterfly you're the most beautiful one in the earth." I said with my shaking and weak voice.
The butterfly started to fly back to me, my face got more serious.
It landed on top of the gravestone.
I stared at it, my mouth slightly open.
"I love you.. you know that right? Please don't forget me, because I will not forget you, my sweetie." I whispered. The butterly then started to fly again, I kept watching it while I stood up again.
I inhaled the fresh air into my lungs.
I lifted my head up and looked to the sky, it had multiply colors in it because of the sunset.
"My love.. I also took two butterfly tattoos.. one for me and.. one for you.. they are on my chest.. on top of my heart..." I placed my hand in there.
I miss the memories we could have made.
But my story has to go on, without her.
I will search her in every sunrise.
In some other life we will be together again, standing side by side, holding hands. And we will be happy.
But for now, I'm forever writing a story in my head that includes only us.
"I wish I could sleep in your arms tonight..." Tears started to fall down from my eyes, while I whispered.
I kissed my hand, then gently pressed it on top of the gravestone. I started to take slow steps away from it, trying to leave everything behind. But I know I can't.
I will miss her forever, and I can't stop thinking about her beautiful presence she had.
I wish I could hold her tight.
Saga's dead.. you have no idea how hard this hurted me, but it was my plan from the very beginning. And it hurts me even more how you guys will react...
This was the last chapter of this story.
THANK YOU so much for all the votes and sweet and funny comments, you're all so amazing.
And I'm even more happy to see how much you've liked this story and how many are reading this.
Makes me happy to say that through this story my mental health has gotten better. Nowadays it feels harder to write sad things, and maybe it's only a good thing. I see light, I can think about future.
Everyone of you will get through the darkest times. I promise that. I love ya'll.
I'm taking a small break from wattpad and from writing. I will focus on my work and to enjoy summer while it still lasts.
Maybe I'll write another story, (maybe an sequel from this and All I ever wanted..?), or maybe not.
But until we see again, all of you stay safe and strong, you're loved🖤
Thank you.